His are family refusing to accept me.

(In the Name of God, the Most Compassionate, the Most Merciful)

(Peace be upon you)

I'm very deeply sorry to hear of your situation, sister, and I can understand your distress. Indeed, you've been through a lot, but also by the grace and power and mercy of Allah, you have been able to bear with all the tests in the way that you're still a Muslim today. Imaan (faith) is such a wonderful, beautiful, fantastic and awesome blessing, sister, and if you've been blessed with that even if you had had nothing else, you'd be fortunate indeed. Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "Allah Most High gives worldly things to those whom He loves and those whom He does not love, but He gives religion only to those whom He loves, so he who is given religion by Allah has been loved by Him." So, say Alhamdhullilah wa shukrunlillah (thanks, credit, and praise and gratitude to Allah) that Allah loves you. Feeling good yet, sis?

Now, back to your situation, I'm sorry to hear of your recent trouble with his family, but please recognize there are cultural Muslims and then practicing Muslims. Cultural Muslims might still hold onto jahilliyah (ignorance) in traditions like marrying within a specific ethnicity despite the fact that Islam forbids racism and dislikes ethnocentricism.

Also, Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said, "We do not think there is anything better for those who love one another than marriage."

Dearest sister, you are precious. Remember that always. If someone doesn't treat you well or doesn't think well of you, be a self-confident person who then takes that person's bad treatment or ill opinions as a reflection of that person's own self and not a reflection on you. Remember you are lovable and God loves you.

Sister, this is the month of Shaaban, known as the month of Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and then comes Shahru Ramadan, which is known as the month of the ummah (believing nation) and during these months your sincere supplications to Allah will God-willing be answered quickly and without delay. So, make duas (supplications) that his family's hearts are opened to him marrying you and that they accept you into their family and give him and you their blessing. I'd also advise you to still give them the best treatment despite their less than welcoming behavior, as that way you'll in your own eyes and in the eyes of God be counted as the better person. Also, advise your fiance to make the same duas and also for him to continue to persuade them in the best manner. That said, in the meantime, dearest sister, please be patient with them and yourself and your fiance and place all your trust in Allah SubhanAllah wa Taala (SWT) (Glorious and Exalted is God) whom you've said you love. Love is not words, dearest sister, but proof is in the pudding - so, prove your love to Allah by placing all your trust in Him SWT.

(And peace be upon you)

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

Asalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

In sha Allah everyone is in the best of health and emaan.

During my time of reverting to islam, so many things happend and it was an extremely hard time for me, i was disowned by my family, beaten up and kicked out and was homeless for a while moving around from place to place... my then at the time fiance (who helpd me to become muslim) passed away (among too many other things wich i still find hard to talk about) so my emaan was on the rocks for so long that i nearly left islam, i then met my now fiance who is bengali (he works, and practises alhamdulilah) he helped me find my emaan agen then i found my strength and love for islam and Allah all over agen.. we decided we both wanted to do our nikkah (im the only muslim in my entire family)... its been about a year since we decided to get married and his family wont accept and dont even want to meet me..his sister recently got married so that put us on the sidelines of him once again bringing it up, but whenever he does he and his mum just argue that she doesnt care if he gets married in a masjid but will not ever allow him to marry anything other than a bengali... i have tried speaking to his sisters but i just kinda get the cold shoulder type of vibe... and i honeslty dont know what to do if there is anything i can do
I know that he is a man and does not need his mums permission but neither of us would like to do a nikkah in secret as we feel its false and i do want his family to support both of us and ofcourse love me and get along with me

(honestly when i reverted i didnt think these types of things existed among muslims, well practising muslims at that, its just a horrible feeling to be made to feel like your dirt on somones shoe just because you dont have the same heritage as someone else)

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

Alhamdulilah, through everything i still love islam and would never give that up.. i just have my terrible low emaan days wich im sure everyone has aswell..
I think when i reverted i was so excited and felt so brand new learning about islam and all these beautiful things so expected the people following it to be such beautiful people..
I learnt the hard way during my hardships to not be so trusting just because they are muslims doesnt mean they are upon the correct path or potray the character a muslim should have. (Iv honeslty come across sisters that potray themselves as "pious" but backbit and slanderd me and among other things) but alhamdulilah Allah showed me who was real and those who where fake

I know i should have sabr and no doubt trust Allah, its just sometimes i feel its just such a long time to wait and im wasting my time to a family that wont come around, but then i say to myself im marrying him and not his family (but iv been told when you marry an asian man you marry the whole family lol)(no offense intended)

(And coming from a mixed heritage background, sometimes even my own family use to act weird to me as i wasnt "fully one of them" i just didnt expect it to come from muslims..

People would say to me oh their cultural and to not pay attention, but in my head im thinking... No theyre muslims and they should act accordingly, how can they call themselves muslims whilst so openly going against what Allah and prophet mohammed s.a.w has said (its beyond me and my brain power lol)

Salam Alaikum sis! I am also from desi family so I can totally understand your situation. One of my german reverted muslims, very nice guy and practicing went to India with Tableeghi Jamaat. He was telling that at the dubai airport for transit he was so happy that first time he is in muslim country. But to his surprise they held him for 6 hours qa and he almost missed his flight. He told me that he used to say salam to the people and they did not even reply. He was little bit amazed at it. Lol. For us it has become a routine
So yes many muslims dont care much about it. They only bring islam when it is not much against culture, but when it is against culture, like wedding for example, they dont care what Islam says. And this attitude is same throughout Muslim societies not just desi.
Now as for your bf family, I don't think you can do much. I can tell you how much difficult it is to change the mentality of many cultural Muslims. In the end it is upon your fiancee to convince his family. But I would say that before marrying him, make sure that his parents get involved and that you clearly talk with him before marriage that you would not want to live in a combined big family(if you want that is your choice, but I will not recommend). Many things you have to discuss before hand otherwise it will create problems.
Also I don't want to judge him, but on one hand you are saying that he and his family are practicing on the other the guy is keeping a gf! Isn't it little weird ?
May be someone else can give a better advice I would just say to be careful.

format_quote Originally Posted by Bhabha

Yep.

I had a friend who married twice and divorced twice because she married into "cultural" families..... And she was a revert. Ended up marrying another revert and they are now expecting a baby. الحَمْد لله‎

It's quite ironic that most Muslims born go and say to you "Wow ما شاء الله‎ you are so lucky you became Muslim, what a blessing ....." But no one would ever want you as their sister or daughter in law

I am even pondering about marriage to a Christian or a Jew, if they would be willing to accept Islam and learn about it. It seems it would be less of a hassle than completing the deen with a Muslim. Or no marriage at all. Better to be alone than in bad company unfortunately. I sound horrible

Even though it is true that many muslims do have the issues you mentioned. But I would say that in the end it depends on the person. That's why it is important to first discuss everything with your potential match. You need to know and ask all the questions first. It is not just for cultural or reverts but overall. Many times reverts I think are not able to understand the born muslims. They see that the person is praying and keeping fast etc, or they meet him in masjid so he is practicing Muslim, needless to say that there are still a category of muslims who limit Islam to salad, fast, beard, hajj etc and don't focus much on character traits.
Same case is also with some reverts when a practicing person marries a new revert, considering just because he came to Islam by her own so she will be serious about religion and will change everything in one day. You may read many stories where revert could not practice Islam and went back.
So in the end it has to do more with clearing up all the confusions and discussing these things before the marriage, for both revert and born Muslim. It is really difficult to find a good match, but they are there!

Even though it is not directly related with your question, but it may benefit someone who looks at some outlook of some and consider him religious just based on how he looks, and becomes blind to what the guy or sister is actually asking you to do etc. Even if someone is doing dawah, it does not make him holy or religious, he is still a human and Muslim and susceptible to the attacks of shaitaan... I hope it may benefit someone

https://youtu.be/Dr3uMaZ1e1k

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

I even get that over here sometimes, sisters screwing me or looking me up and down instead of salaming me back, i honestly dont know whats wrong with people lol
He does try talk to his family, but when he talks to his mum they argue as she will keep saying "only a bengali" etc.
Well when i say practising i mean the fard actions of being a muslim are met, some characteristics and traits are there... (just him not the rest of the family lol) ofcourse i understand that being a bf/gf type thing is haram but you have to understand that if there wasnt so much difficulty in getting the nikkah done... there wouldn't be such things as bf/gf people would just get their nikkah and not have to go through these things... some people actually like the thrill of doing "naughty things" like being gf/bf...
I dont like it nor does he, we are in a very bad predicament, and its just coming to a point where we will end up doing the nikkah whether they approve or not, but we oviously want his family there (as i hardly have any family that speaks to me)
I can understand that it may look weird on the outside looking in but i would say to everyone, not to judge me or him or anyone in this same position as i can guarantee that you are doing something displeasing to Allah also whether a bad habit or charecter flaw etc
No doubt indeed we all need/should fear Allah and never judge or look down upon someone for their sin, as there could be a reason for it, while they are repenting to Allah your judging them... (not saying you are...im just generally speaking as iv had this experience where iv been told im "haram" tbh it was worse than that but im not going to repeat it....not so friendly advice lol)

Sister I was just giving you a reality. I wanted you to be just be careful. Because I know my culture very well. And what you said that you took that he is practicing from his offering salah etc, and his does not even do that. This rings bell to me. And this is not judging as I am neither backbiting nor judging I am warning you for what I see among muslims. Believe me if you don't discuss the things upfront like whether woman can do job, what are the duties of husband, is woman the only one who should do household chores, how he wants his children to be, what are long terms goals, what he wants his children to be, what relation he wants you to have with his family after marriage etc etc, I am telling you these things will later on come in life. We south Asian people see roles of woman much different from west. And mostly the ideas we born Muslims have, who just know how to pray and little bit of religion (which unfortunatelt I am having feeling may be the case with your bf as you have not seen his real knowledge of Islam and his views, and his family does not even practice the basics strongly) then I myself would take a break and think much more deeply about it. The marriage is not a simple thing. It has much deeper impact of our worldly and afterlife, spouse is supposed to help in our deen, that's why he is said to be half of deen. He is supposed to help you in practice the religion even more. And will company you forever in after life.
But if he turns out to be something you did not expect him to be, the things will just ruin up. In the worst case think what would happen if after some years down the line you are having children, and he wants them to be more Bangladeshi or wants force you into something you don't want. And then you want to take divorce or something, what will happen to children!
I pray God that does not happen but a Muslim is supposed to be vigilant. A Muslim is not naive! We are ordered to take advices and make our best judgement based on the facts.
I would say to first discuss everything with him upfront, read Islamic material on what matters. See his deen and khuluq, learn from Islamic sources what is counted in deen and khuluq. Learn and discuss these with him.
Remember it is much better these days to remain to remain than to be in an abusive marriage.
I am not judging you or him, but I am giving you sincere advice because many reverts face much more difficulty in families and individuals who don't follow Islam, because then they follow culture, and south Asian culture is not something that you will like as a westerner.

About him practicing the religion, let me tell you an incident from the life of second caliph, Umer bin Khattaab R.A.
A man came to him asking for a position. He told him to bring someone who can satisfy your character and knows you. He went back and brought a person. Umer asked him do you know this person. The man said ,"yes". Umer then asked ," is he your neighbour". He said ,"No". He asked did you ever travelled with him. He said no. Umer asked have you ever did any trading with him. The man said No. He said how do you know him then. He said I saw him offering prayer. Umer said then go back you don't know him. Bring someone who knows you.


So I am just saying don't be fooled in thinking that the person is practicing, just because you have seen him practicing some obligations. These things are much more deep than this.

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

I have spoken to him about everything you mentioned months ago... he is different from his family is what im trying to say... he offers his salah, charity, helps with dawah, fasts, always talks about islam etc etc
Im not a naive person I'm far from it and have had my fair share of mistakes and have subsequently learnt from them.
I am no fool and will not be taken by one, me and him have already discussed all of the matters that are important to us, deen wise and outside of deen... i wouldnt just agree to marry someone without the knowledge of them or how they are, i have absolutely 0% doubt in my mind that my rights would be upheld by him i dont have the problem with him at all in anyway, i just have a problem getting through to the family and needed advice to help in that respect, not in any other area

I know the difference between cultural and pratising, its just getting thru to someone who is more cultural that im finding hard as i wouldnt know where to begin or what to do... do i like cook a curry and bring it round... like things to help break the ice and warm their hearts to me
I could go in guns blazing throwing quotations from the Quran and hadeeths but i dont want to untill they have warmed to me
I just need ideas or help for the family only not him

Aha nice to know you already did that. Then I would say that wait for some time. Let him take time to explain her mother everything. I think may be his family was not ready to hear this from him. Tell him to be nice to his mother. It is his job to win his mother heart. From my experience, the more he will serve and try to explain his position, the more her heart will melt. It will take some time, may be a month or two, but it will happen in shaa Allah. Ask him to be gentle in his behavior towards mom, if he already was, tell him to become more gentle. May be even cook food for her. This is the only way in my mind. Otherwise there is not benefit of trying to fight with them, and make them agree with your demand. If he wins their heart by becoming soft with them, they will respect you and him even more. I am not saying to give up yours or his right. Never. But rather to gentle in explaining his positions. In shaa Allah it will help alot

format_quote Originally Posted by muslimah_B

I am being very patient with them, im not demanding anything lol... what im asking for is in no way haram but a way to make things halal and complete half my deen and be his wife...if there was objection due to my character or on islamic grounds then i would accept that, and change if there was an error on my part, but the fact that there is no islamic basis on their argument is what annoys me... and accepting that behaviour will allow them to think its part of islam when it is not, that is what he is tryng to get through to them... i can obviously understand that sometimes people are brought up that way so assume it is part of the deen, but thats why its so important for all muslims to seek/gain knowledge and to understand where to draw the line of culture and islam

Yeah I can understand how frustrating it would be for you. When a person feel that what the objection is for, you can not change it at all, and even otherwise it is not fare demand in the first place.

But you know usually it has to do more with how the person is brought up and their society. I am pretty sure that his family knows that what they are demanding is not correct according to Islam. Usually even non practicing families have idea that Islam is against racism. At least that much we learn from our parents etc. But still they stick with their own criterion. They don't look at Islam. Neither they deny that racism is wrong. They will say things like " it will not lead to happier life for his" or something like "it is not suitable thing to do". I doubt they don't know about the last sermon of the Prophet where he clearly spoke against racism. For most Muslim this much they know, just that it is not their preference. So to be honest, you personally cannot do much about it. In the end hearts are in the hand of Allah. He guides whoever he wills. You can pray that Allah open their heart and make them see how wrong they are with this demand. May Allah help you Ameen!