I let myself down so badly. (long story)

Its going to be a long winded story, I apologize in advance. I just wanna tell it right and get it off my chest.

So I'm from a family that is not particularly religious. A lot of people where I'm from aren't actually. They eat pork, they drink, they smoke, don't fast etc. Muslims mostly in name only. Growing up I didn't have an Islamic upbringing and so I didn't even consider myself Muslim. I was pretty agnostic on the subject of faith. Religion though was a subject that always fascinated me and so in the last several years, after learning as much as I could about Islam, I started becoming a lot more religious. Read the quran, watched lectures online, talked to friends that are knowledgable on Islam (and they still are pretty supportive). I completely stopped eating pork, I started praying, fasting, even quit drinking.

I did all of this, and for the most part actually kept it to myself. Only a few friends knew this about me at first, and my mom knew I didn't eat pork because well...she makes food for me most of the time so I had to tell her lol. A big reason I was so secretive about it was because, as strange as it might sound to some, I honestly thought my family wouldn't take me seriously. They would probably even mock me. And also as well, I felt like it would add a lot of pressure on me. I knew everyone would watch me and judge me if I did anything wrong. Even though all of them do all this stuff theyre not supposed to, if I even once did something I'm not supposed to do theyd call me out on it. I didnt wanna deal with that. This is also where I am going with this story.

Now I said earlier that I quit drinking. And I did for 2 whole years, and it was a struggle for me big time. A lot of my friends drink and for years I casually drank with them (never had an addiction or anything like that, just social drinking), and I think that was what made it a struggle. I knew I could stop whenever and I kept delaying quitting all together for a long time, but a day finally came where I felt too guilty drinking and then just "cold turkey" you could say, I stopped drinking. Most friends were cool with this. They too were very supportive. But I always gave myself a pass if I ever slipped up because well they all knew how much effort I was putting and I knew they wouldnt be judgmental.

Recently I moved overseas to stay with extended family. Same case, tried to keep it all on the down low. With everything going on in the world too, people here are very nervous about Islam (sadly). Except I couldnt be as subtle here about it and family here figured it out quickly. And they were actually very impressed I think. Certainly gave me a lot of compliments. It might sound egotistical, but it felt really nice to get the recognition of doing the right things. I thought of myself as a role model. I really hoped that I could be a good example, and who knows, maybe influence positively some family members and friends here. Actions speak louder than words. I thought maybe this could be minor way of dahwa. Let my actions do the talking. After all, it was my practising friends back home that influenced me into turning my life around. Things were going great; a little too great (as cliche as that sounds).


Last week my brother came to visit here as well. He didn't know about any of this. He suspected something of course, but didn't know. I don't know why I did it, maybe because I was happy to see my brother after a few months apart and just wanted to bond, but I drank a few beers with him that evening as we sat and watched sports.

Next evening, as a bunch of us were sitting around, we went to order pizza and, of course, my brother then heard how I dont eat pork. He started laughing, and being quite obnoxious about it. Kept insinuating I was making it up. It actually confused everyone why he didnt know his brother doesnt eat pork. I never told them how I kept it to myself before this. And then when he heard I dont even drink, he told everyone how we drank the night before.

The looks I got from everyone was so disheartening. Made me feel like such a fraud. They kept cracking jokes all evening about it. Kept making nasty jokes, like offering me pizza with pork and beer. Even told the rest of the family. And maybe because they were drunk, but one of them (who I'm not too particularly fond of to begin with to say the least) kept calling me out on being a liar and hypocrite and how at least nobody else in the family pretends to be something theyre not.

So that happened a few days ago and I've been kicking myself entire time. I really don't have anyone to blame but myself. I've mostly kept to myself not talking to anyone. Feels pretty humiliating. I don't know what to do. I feel like if I were to try and explain myself or justify myself by saying it was just a one time slip up I would just be making it worse. What would I even say. What irritates me too is that I never even acted super righteous or indignant around them. Never made any comments or criticisms towards their non practising ways, for lack of better term. Technically I never even claimed I never drink. I always said I stopped drinking because I started working out, that's it. I even pointed that out that night and they just threw it back at me, calling me a "ramadhan muslim" and calling me hypocritical for not eating pork but drinking. Worst of all is that I felt like they were right and that this has to be a punishment from God for getting some delusions of grandeur about how I'm going to be this perfect role model.

I keep trying to make myself feel better. I keep telling myself that nobody is perfect and that it doesn't negate all my good deeds. But I think what hurts the most is that I keep thinking how in the future, I'll just seem hypocritical. As if I lost all trust and confidence of family members. Every time I don't eat pork, I can picture them cracking jokes that I'm probably eating pork in secret. When I pass up on alcohol, I can see then cracking jokes about how I drink in secret. It does give me comfort knowing that God knows the truth, but I can't help but feel that now I won't reach anyone in the family to perhaps change their ways like I did. I dread any further conversation regarding religion with them too.