husband really upset i dont fast

format_quote Originally Posted by *charisma*

I don't at all believe it's oppressive if her husband expects her to keep up with her religious duties after she became a Muslim. It is incumbent upon him to ensure that his whole family is performing their religious duties. So what if she was not a Muslim before and he was ok with her not being "islamically" religious. She's a Muslim now, so the circumstances have changed and therefore his expectations of her follow suit, especially since she's fasted previously.

A relationship does not remain stagnant. It evolves and both individuals change. It's always better to marry someone with the same values to begin with, but if it happens that you do not, then you can work it out respectfully. To say that he shouldn't have married her after it's been said and done is a negative thing to say because it's insinuating that he either has to accept her as she is or leave her for someone else. That's not how it works. They are married now as Allah intended for them, and their relationship is being tested, and they have to work through it to achieve a common goal.

I have never said she should divorce him. I would NEVER say such a thing. Divorce is a BIG thing to advice and i am in NO place to advice such a thing. What i am pointing at is that one a brother/sister marries but not according to the advice of Rasullah(saws), then there is a HIGH probability even though people might change in their marriage, that doesn't mean they would BOTH STRONGLY go towards religion. Often you see in such marriages that both marry because of love and not according to certain principles/advice..then later on one because way more religious while the other feels a bit more oppressed.

With this i do tend to lean towards that it is the brother his fault for this. How? If you become more religious you have to become more lenient towards people.

"So by mercy from Allah , [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]." Qur'an 3:159

The reaction of this sister is rater the root cause of the behavior of her husband. She said in another comment that in the last 3 years or so she rather wants to flee from Islam. (to the sister, please do not flee from Islam. Not for me..but for your self. he does not represent Islam and you know it. You are not a Muslimah for his sake..but for your own sake).

A husband can do HORRIBLE damage with words especially to a woman. As women tend to get obsessed with a certain words.. that is why ONLY in 3 cases a Muslim can lie ..which one is if the wife asks if she looks nice (and if she doesn't) still say you look beautiful. It isn't without reason why this is in Islam.

A wife is flexible, with that i mean she adapts to the situation and to her husband. That is what i have encountered so far, why a Muslim women is forbidden to marry a non-Muslim man. Because she adapts to the situation. You give her poison she gives you double amount of poison back. You give her love, she gives you double amount of love back. You give her double amount of love, she multiples that even by 2. I see a woman as a motor, all she needs is fuel (love, attention and down that road). Not too much, but also not let it depleted. With balance.

format_quote Originally Posted by batarzyna

cow, bit**, fat, shut up, get lost... to name just the few

That is very unacceptable beahviour. He sounds troubled to me...it seems that there is something bothering him...is he stressed at work? Is there fianancial stress/worries/loss of job? He may be just troubled by the situation at home but that is no way of resolving matters...name calling is just totally unacceptable. May Allah reward you for your patience, Ameen. I personally couldn't take such insults from my own family. I think you need to get some help from your or his parents or a trusted uncle or aunty to come and speak to your husband.

Its not right for a muslim to use bad words and insult anyone especially during Ramadan...slef control is the key. Don't flee from Islam due to bad character of muslims...learn Islam from Prophet SAW's good example and the Quran, don't judge our beautiful religion based on sinful muslims and we are all sinful. Islam is perfect but muslims are not. May Allah swt guide your husband and all muslims to the right path that earns Allah's pleasure and mercy and not His anger, Ameen.

format_quote Originally Posted by Simple_Person

I have never said she should divorce him. I would NEVER say such a thing. Divorce is a BIG thing to advice and i am in NO place to advice such a thing. What i am pointing at is that one a brother/sister marries but not according to the advice of Rasullah(saws), then there is a HIGH probability even though people might change in their marriage, that doesn't mean they would BOTH STRONGLY go towards religion. Often you see in such marriages that both marry because of love and not according to certain principles/advice..then later on one because way more religious while the other feels a bit more oppressed.

With this i do tend to lean towards that it is the brother his fault for this. How? If you become more religious you have to become more lenient towards people.

"So by mercy from Allah , [O Muhammad], you were lenient with them. And if you had been rude [in speech] and harsh in heart, they would have disbanded from about you. So pardon them and ask forgiveness for them and consult them in the matter. And when you have decided, then rely upon Allah. Indeed, Allah loves those who rely [upon Him]." Qur'an 3:159

The reaction of this sister is rater the root cause of the behavior of her husband. She said in another comment that in the last 3 years or so she rather wants to flee from Islam. (to the sister, please do not flee from Islam. Not for me..but for your self. he does not represent Islam and you know it. You are not a Muslimah for his sake..but for your own sake).

A husband can do HORRIBLE damage with words especially to a woman. As women tend to get obsessed with a certain words.. that is why ONLY in 3 cases a Muslim can lie ..which one is if the wife asks if she looks nice (and if she doesn't) still say you look beautiful. It isn't without reason why this is in Islam.

A wife is flexible, with that i mean she adapts to the situation and to her husband. That is what i have encountered so far, why a Muslim women is forbidden to marry a non-Muslim man. Because she adapts to the situation. You give her poison she gives you double amount of poison back. You give her love, she gives you double amount of love back. You give her double amount of love, she multiples that even by 2. I see a woman as a motor, all she needs is fuel (love, attention and down that road). Not too much, but also not let it depleted. With balance.

Indeed, its important to be lenient...you can't push/force anyone to pray and fast and wear hijab...you can only remind and the rest is upto them and is between themselves and Allah, husband is not going to be accountable for all wifes sins like he is resposible for everthing wife does...ridiculous, everyones got free will and choice to make their own decsions.

No one, especially muslim men, should never marry with forceful/pushy attitude in hopes & dreams of leading the family with dictatorship leadership..will only lead to resentment and not going to work. Everyone can preach but no one can force/threaten/blackmail their family into praying and fasting etc...you can only do what you can do which is to remind with thoughtful and sincere reminders...the rest is up to them.

Personally think one shouldn't marry someone with hopes of changing them on major levels after marriage...but it is different for different people...many promise to change after marriage and many dream of changing someone they love/really like after marriage which is fair enough, they should accept the challenges and struggles that come with it for the sake of Allah and stick by the spouses instead of running for the hills/misbehaving when they find it all too difficult. You can't marry expecting an easy ride...I mean its not half of deen for no reason...but May Allah swt grant us all easy spouses who will be comfort to our eyes, Ameen.

May Allah swt resolve all matters and put right all concerns between sister batarzyna and her husband, Ameen. Keep praying dear sister batarzyna and seek istighfar, guidance and seek councel from good people.

format_quote Originally Posted by batarzyna

Salam,

We've been married for 11 years, have 3 boys aged 1,7 and 11. We had many ups and downs but this one is one of the worst so far.
I converted 5 years ago. I fasted first 3 ramadhans, then i was pregnant and breastfeeding the following year.
This is the first year i decided to not fast. I know it's wrong, I have my reasons though.

My husband got really upset when I told him. He's been very rude to me, insulted me, called me names. He hasn't spoken to me from the beginning of ramadhan.

Our boys fast on weekends and I encourage them to do so.
When I asked him if he is going to behave like this for the rest of ramadhan, he replied that maybe for the rest of our life.
Kids asked me if we are going to get divorced, this whole situation really upsets them but my husband doesn't care.
He said he would still behave ike that whether i start fasting now or not...

I can't see any solution

Asalaamu Alaikum.

My sister we can only give you general advice as we do not know the intricacies of your marriage so we cannot make a Judgement on whose wrong or whose right. But firstly sister I can fully acknowledge how difficult it must be to raise kids predominantly on your own. Especially when the Father puts in minimal if any help. That is why marriage should be a team effort. The Prophet (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) always helped out with house hold matters and is a perfect example for men to also be proactive in the household. Although we must appreciate that it can be difficult coming back from a hard day's work when one is tired and wants to rest.

So my sister you need to sit down with your partner regularly and keep open the doors of communication and discuss these matters and share your feelings in a nice manner using wisdom and tact so that you can both come to a positive solution to any issues you may have and how your work load with looking after the kids and doing household chores can be reduced so that you can fast without feeling too over whelmed.

It is certainly more difficult looking after kids and fasting but it is also definitely not impossible as most Muslim Mother's do it and Mother's more than anyone else have to be able to plan in order to successfully and efficiently complete Motherly tasks and household chores along with fast and worship. Therefore you should try and take a short amount of time each evening or morning and draw up a plan and schedule your daily tasks to establish what times during the day and evening you can fit in your tasks, worship and sufficient rest and nap times. That way you can also suggest to your husband how he can help you in order to lessen the load in some way so you can fast.

Also sister we must realise that Allah will never give us a burden that we cannot bare so if you plan and schedule sufficiently and discuss these matters with your husband as a team then you will be able to fast without a problem. The first few days of fasting are always harder but they get easier once you get into the flow and your body gets used to the routine. You will even find that once your body starts detoxifying that you will have more energy than you would have before Ramadan and you will feel rejuvenated and full of energy and vigour.

But saying to your husband in a rebellious manner that you will not fast will obviously get a harsher reaction from him although there is no justification for it. But it is because he cares for you and knows the importance of fasting hence why his disappointment and frustration may cause him to lash out on you. So you must be as gentle as possible when talking about these sensitive matters and also share your feelings with him in a gentle manner about how his behaviour is affecting you and you will find it will have far more impact on him than raising your tone and lashing back.

So my sister please take the relevant steps and plan and schedule your days in a timetable including when you will eat, rest, nap, worship, look after and pick up kids, do household chores etc and discuss this timetable with your husband to come to an arrangement where he can help you in some way to lessen your burden so you will find it easier to fit in fasting with your daily obligations. That way you are also putting some responsibility on him to help you so you can fast and find it easier to do so.

Here is a thread I created for a daily Worship plan for Mother's and Workers:

Daily Ramadan Worship Plan for Workers and Mothers

So start planning, scheduling, discussing a with your partner and fasting from now sister as we are approaching half of Ramadan so it is not too late to make the best of what remains of this blessed month and these days are truly a blessed time more than any other time of the year to increase our imaan (faith) and get closer to Allah and re-focus our minds on the bigger picture which is to prepare ourselves sufficiently for our inevitable death and the Hereafter.

And remember the more pain, suffering and effort one goes through during fasting and trying to please Allah, the more one will be abundantly rewarded by Allah inshaAllah. We must also bare in mind that Ramadan is only one month a year and it goes by very quickly so we should grab as much good we can during this month before it leaves us as it could very well be our last.

May Allah enable all the hardworking Mother's and workers alike to please him and make it easier on them and reward them abundantly for any suffering they go through during this blessed month.

format_quote Originally Posted by Simple_Person

I have never said she should divorce him. I would NEVER say such a thing. Divorce is a BIG thing to advice and i am in NO place to advice such a thing. What i am pointing at is that one a brother/sister marries but not according to the advice of Rasullah(saws), then there is a HIGH probability even though people might change in their marriage, that doesn't mean they would BOTH STRONGLY go towards religion. Often you see in such marriages that both marry because of love and not according to certain principles/advice..then later on one because way more religious while the other feels a bit more oppressed.

I understand your intentions bro, but what I'm saying is that these words are not effective in helping. Imagine if you were married to a girl as she is, and she becomes a mother. You didn't marry her with children right? But you expect her to care for the child regardless, and if she isn't doing her job as a mother and you get in an argument about it, how would you feel if someone said to her, "It's your husband's fault for marrying you without children to begin with. He shouldn't expect you to do change just because you have kids now." I know it's not exactly the same situation, but you get my point. How would that make you feel as a husband to know this is the advice your wife is getting? it's a different story if this advice was given to the husband himself, but instead it's putting a wedge between them when it's given to the wife since you're putting the blame on him. There's 3 sides to a story: the first, the second, and the truth . We are only hearing one side, which to me sounds mostly based on emotion. Secondly, they both knew what they were getting into when they got married. She knew she was marrying a Muslim man and he knew he was marrying a Catholic woman. So they accepted the challenges they were going to have in the beginning of the relationship and remained together for 11 years afterwards. I didn't see where she said she's thinking about not being a muslim anymore, but one's faith isn't based on external circumstances. Just because her husband is angry with her doesn't mean she should play around with her faith. You're either muslim by heart and true conviction, or you're not. It's not a game.

Even if he had married a muslim woman to begin with, the exact same thing could happen in that relationship as well. I can't speak for all women, but yes some women are more adaptive than others, some are stronger, some are wiser, but at the end of the day we are each individuals and when you've been with someone for a while, you should have learned enough by that time to understand what works and what doesn't in the relationship. Now in regards to her husband insulting her, it's definitely not something that happened just because she's not fasting. A husband doesn't just start insulting his wife so freely. It's something that began a long time before then and they probably do it back and forth, but she's being sensitive about it now because he's not talking to her.

I'm not saying at all what he's doing is right, I don't know what his issue is or what his side of the story is, so I cannot advise him since he is not reaching out. But looking at the situation from the information she is giving us, and advising her specifically, I can't say that she's doing everything correctly either. Often times also when women are fighting with their husbands, they think the worst of them. And when they are back together, they are totally fine as if nothing happened. So she's sitting here and now thinking how "manipulative" her husband is etc. Ask her again about her husband when she's happy and you'll get a different answer.

format_quote Originally Posted by batarzyna

Religion wasn't my husband's no1 priority when we met. I was very young (16), we were intimate before marriage and I wasn't his first partner. He cheated on me with two girls even though was praying and practising islam.
I was fascinated by islam and its principals but couldn't stand behaviour of muslims. So many of them would be two faced. Lots of muslims have this urge to show themselves as religious and true believers.

My husband's behaviour in the recent years (3 last years) started pushing me away from islam. He never sees fault in himself, always blames others. When he does sth haram, he always finds some kind of explanations or excuse for it.
Doesn't take any religious advice from me because he constantly doubts my faith.

He started to be very harrd and strict with the boys. He constantly compares them to other children who in his eyes are better muslims than our kids are. He stopped spending time with them. All he cares about is work and peace of mind.

He used to help me with house chores, with kids but he stopped doing that.
I dont require much because i only work part time so have more time to clean and cook.

He is suddenly not happy with my food and he always liked it.

He doesn't take my advice about kids. They are seeking so much his approval and he keeps pushing them away. He doesn't seem to care.
When I ask him about it he always finds way to laugh it off.

He seems so in love with the youngest one but I know this will change again when he is bigger.

I'd like to divorce him. Im fed up of listening how fat, ugly and useless I am. I lost all my confidence.
I left university when I gave birth to our first son, I left my job when he started his business. I gave all my time to kids and house so he could concentrate on growing his company. Now im left with nothing. Useless job, and no perspectives if I leave him.

How can I start life all over??
I dont want the boys to treat their future wives they way my husband treats me.
They can clean, they can cook, I teach them rexpect for others. But thats not what they see at home so how can they learn.

Is there nobody in your/his family who may settle this dispute?

Divorce isn't the solution.

format_quote Originally Posted by Simple_Person

We Muslim and with the emphasis on born-Muslims have become retarded and VERY VERY arrogant. Not all alhamdulillah, but the ones that mostly follow culture instead of the deen. I am disgusted by those brothers and the sisters..that is a totally different level. With the sisters (culture-Muslims) the arrogance and pride has no limits.

"Promising" somebody that he/she will change after marriage doesn't work. One can only change if they themselves want to change..not some promise to somebody else. This you see for example with those women that have married. This i can see with Turkish women. They start to wear headscarf..lose clothing..however their daughter is dressed as if she is going to the beach. Headscarf or lose clothing isn't all you know. Such a wife is sorry to say this but useless as useless can be. Those women are not convinced themselves of Islam and that is why they do not teach their children also those values.

Women how Allah has made them follow mostly their feelings compared to men that follow mostly their mind. That is why the sisters follow their desires (following their heart) even more than the brothers. If you ask me the chance that a (culture-Muslim) sister turns back to Islam as how it should be practiced is WAY smaller than of a brother.

Based on what do i say this?

A sister who was not born in to a Muslim family, sees the disgusted world she is surrounded at a certain age in her lifetime and when she gets to know what Islam is about she falls in love with it. The sister that has practiced oppressive culture-Islam sees the west for example rather as a "freedom". You can see this VERY clearly with Iranians. When they come to the west..they feel so "free" that even western people compared to them have some dignity and limits. Those sisters reject Islam and religion all together. They will not listen even 1 second to what you have to say or ponder about what you have to say. Many culture-Muslim sisters see even the western men as if they are "civilized", because those guys do not look them with lust. How deluded such sisters have become. As those western guys are rather more educated and control their desires because they know they will get in to trouble if they lets their desires lose. I have talked to many of those guys and as a guy i have concluded that these western "civilized" guys are even MORE scum than the Middle Eastern guys. Middle Eastern guys although many act like animals..they still have some jealousy..while those "civilized" western guys would even share their spouse with others. There is even much more but this was one of the examples.

The culture-Muslim brothers however after a time doing zina/drugs/alcohol etc. see themselves this is not the way and think about life and things. This might vary ..some realize this early on while some might already become like 50 years old or so..then realize it.

Anyhow we really live in a messed up world where even the people who are married do not think about the harm they do to their spouse.

Hmmm...interesting things you have noted about some middle easten muslims living in western society....the root cause for those sisters to go over the top with the "freedom" in the west and to want to marry non-muslim men over middle easten men is all because as you said yourself..is due to the practice of "oppressive culture-Islam".

If they have been forced to cover up and pray and whatever...of course when they come to the West, of course some will go wild with the "freedom" they get.

But please do not generalise, I have some very good muslim friends from middle east/Iran who adhere to Islamic hijab/modesty (covers appropraitely and no haram relationships) and they are very humble, honest and very generous muslims. MashaAllah. They are very good even before marriage but LOL as you compain about kurdish women, they also don't have high opinions of middle eastern men either! The thing is not to generalise all women/men who come from certain places and to give people a chance.

And there is nothing wrong with people having preference to marry reverts if they think they are less cultural and more Islamic, supportive/helpul and understanding. I am thinking myself about considering reverts and may be even men from outside my own ethnicity but I haven't really given my own people much of a chance so will be a future consideration.

May Allah swt grant us all good, righteous spouses, Ameen.

format_quote Originally Posted by *charisma*

I understand your intentions bro, but what I'm saying is that these words are not effective in helping. Imagine if you were married to a girl as she is, and she becomes a mother. You didn't marry her with children right? But you expect her to care for the child regardless, and if she isn't doing her job as a mother and you get in an argument about it, how would you feel if someone said to her, "It's your husband's fault for marrying you without children to begin with. He shouldn't expect you to do change just because you have kids now." I know it's not exactly the same situation, but you get my point. How would that make you feel as a husband to know this is the advice your wife is getting? it's a different story if this advice was given to the husband himself, but instead it's putting a wedge between them when it's given to the wife since you're putting the blame on him. There's 3 sides to a story: the first, the second, and the truth . We are only hearing one side, which to me sounds mostly based on emotion. Secondly, they both knew what they were getting into when they got married. She knew she was marrying a Muslim man and he knew he was marrying a Catholic woman. So they accepted the challenges they were going to have in the beginning of the relationship and remained together for 11 years afterwards.

I agree that there is no point talking about the past or trying to find blame either...its not helpful and not correct. Whatever happened happened...they got married knowingly and with good intentions I am sure. Every marriage goes through disagreements and arguments...whther its muslim-non-muslim marriage or muslim-muslim marriage...there is conflict in every marriage at some point. OP's situation is not unusual...in fact its common now from all the marriage conflicts and arguments I have witnessed but they always stick together and stand by each other in the end which is beautiful.

Marraige conflicts is not very good to expereice but it really isn't uncommon, its very common and marraige couples need to find ways to address and resolve all the matters through communication, love, affection and good councel if necessary. I persoanlly think if marraige couples pray together, read Quran together...worshiping in unison whenever they get time together putting aside whatever issues they have, that would help resolve a lot of marraige issues and build a strong marraige bond and affection for one another....but this is just my personal opinion. Openness and good communication is also key...don't agree with bottling things up and having resentment/negative thoughts about others inside us...its best talking to them in a good way if you got some issues thats bothering you.

format_quote Originally Posted by Umm♥Layth

Actually, the husband is responsible for how he leads his family. Let me give you an example. If a man marries a woman who has a tendency of flirting with other men and he doesn't watch over who she talks to and she ends up committing zina, he is responsible for not doing enough, not for her sin. So HE DOES hold responsibility, it says so in the Quran. If he cannot deal with this type of woman and watch over her properly or if she doesn't change her ways after warnings, he has grounds for divorce. This is why we marry according to sunnah and follow proper guidelines.

I am not saying the OP's husband is being far in his manner of dealing with this, not at all, I'm simply clarifying the free will part in a marriage.

I was only saying that Husband can't force wife to do anything.

All he can do is preach/remind/whatever you want to call it then full stop.

Its not fair for husband to be held responsibile when he's done his best to guide his wife but she continues to do as she pleases. Why should he be held "responsible" for any of wives sins when he never advocated them and even preached against them?

And I really don't think its any of our business to tell anyone to divorce their wives either. But some people like to break marraiges up by blaming husband for not being able to "control/lead" their wives rather than help to come up with solutions and give good advise. I have no respect for home wreckers and marraige breakers who makes everything worse for everyone including kids involved. However, divorce is permissible and required at times to end bad unresolvable marriage situations and society shouldn't frown upon divorcees, its perfectly acceptable and respectable way to part ways with someone who you cannot see eye to eye with or live with any longer. There is only so long/so many years one can keep preaching and try to fix something thats broken in everyway possible before they realise its over.

I really wouldn't have a clue tbh...never been in a relationship and I really don't want to end up in a bad relationship either. May Allah swt save us from all disaster situations, Ameen. But Alhamdulillah there is a halal solution for every bad situation including seperation/divorce if necessary in a marriage.

format_quote Originally Posted by Sakina'17

Hmmm...interesting things you have noted about some middle easten muslims living in western society....the root cause for those sisters to go over the top with the "freedom" in the west and to want to marry non-muslim men over middle easten men is all because as you said yourself..is due to the practice of "oppressive culture-Islam".

If they have been forced to cover up and pray and whatever...of course when they come to the West, of course some will go wild with the "freedom" they get.

But please do not generalise, I have some very good muslim friends from middle east/Iran who adhere to Islamic hijab/modesty (covers appropraitely and no haram relationships) and they are very humble, honest and very generous muslims. MashaAllah. They are very good even before marriage but LOL as you compain about kurdish women, they also don't have high opinions of middle eastern men either! The thing is not to generalise all women/men who come from certain places and to give people a chance.

And there is nothing wrong with people having preference to marry reverts if they think they are less cultural and more Islamic, supportive/helpul and understanding. I am thinking myself about considering reverts and may be even men from outside my own ethnicity but I haven't really given my own people much of a chance so will be a future consideration.

May Allah swt grant us all good, righteous spouses, Ameen.

Sister, marrying a revert there is NOTHING wrong with it. When i look at a revert brother, i do not see a western guy, i see a brother.

I sub'han'Allah never had any ill feelings towards my revert brothers and sisters. Those often practice Islam accordingly, however sadly some also become because of brainwashing also radical. They already just arrived in Islam and want to hang out with fellow brothers and sisters but sadly not noticeable who is a radical and who is not. So in the end get caught up. However alhamdulillah because of internet and whole ISIS-nonsense, many have came to realize about things.

So marrying a revert, do please as we do not see blond hair, blue eyes, white skin, we see a fellow brother/sister.

Also, no i do not generalize. However do know that i have given up on Kurdish women to marry. The woman that i want to marry i want her to like me has abolished culture from her heart..(doing newroz (Kurdish holiday 21 march - starting of spring), wearing gold when going to a wedding, dancing, listening to Kurdish music, gossiping, not wearing hijab, asking €15.000 of gold as mahr, etc.. )

Rather maybe looking at a Arabic ethnicity.