So I'm marrying a single mom. She divorced becuz she was cheated on. 5 years after she committed zina with another man. 5 years after that...here we are planning to get married in a couple weeks...it was just day ago she decided to tell me she did the disgusting act and so ill be the third person she sleeps with. When she told me I was heartbroken. Like how can she do that. She tells me she's been repenting since and crying feel really awful about it.
If she is sincere in changing then ill forgive her. Am I wrong to forgive her about her past? Should I just drop her?
If the person has repented and wants to be obedient to Allah in future, then we must remember that even the sahaabah and sahaabiyaat commited faults in ignorance and before moving to the islamic state, but if the person is careless as to commiting major sins in future, there is good reason to be concerned because it may corrupt you too......
كتاب الفضائل
43 The Book of Virtues
(37)Chapter: Respecting Him And Not Asking Him Unnecessary Questions(37)
باب تَوْقِيرِهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَتَرْكِ إِكْثَارِ سُؤَالِهِ عَمَّا لاَ ضَرُورَةَ إِلَيْهِ أَوْ لاَ يَت
Anas b. Malik reported that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him stood when the sun had passed the meridian and he led them noon prayer and after observing salutations (completing the prayer) he stood upon the pulpit and talked about the Last Hour and made a mention of the important facts prior to it and then said:
He who desires to ask anything from me let him ask me about it. By Allah, I shall not move from this place so long as I do not inform you about that which you ask. Anas b. Malik said: People began to shed tears profusely when they heard this from Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) and Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said it repeatedly: "Ask me".
Thereupon 'Abdullah b. Hudhafa stood up and said: Allah's Messenger, who is my father?
He said: Your father is Hudhafa, and Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said repeatedly: Ask me, and (it was at this juncture that 'Umar knelt down and said): We are well pleased with Allah as our Lord, with Islam as our code of life and with Muhammad as the Messenger (of Allah). Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) kept quiet so long as 'Umar spoke.
Then Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: (The Doom) is near; by Him, in Whose Hand is the life of Muhammad, there was presented to me the Paradise and Hell in the nook of this enclosure, and I did not see good and evil like that of the present day.
Ibn Shihab reported: Ubaidullah b. 'Abdullah b. 'Utba told me that the mother of 'Abdullah b. Hudhafa told 'Abdullah b. Hudhafa:
I have never heard of a son more disobedient than you. Do you feel yourself immune from the fact that your mother committed a sin which the women in the pre-Islamic period committed and then you disgrace her in the eyes of the people?
'Abdullah b. Hudhafa said: If my fatherhood were to be attributed to a black slave I would have connected myself with him.
كتاب الدعوات 80 Invocations
(35)Chapter: To seek refuge with Allah from Al-Fitan(35)باب التَّعَوُّذِ مِنَ الْفِتَنِ
Narrated Anas:
Once the people started asking Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) questions, and they asked so many questions that he became angry and ascended the pulpit and said, "I will answer whatever questions you may ask me today."
I looked right and left and saw everyone covering his face with his garment and weeping. Behold ! There was a man who, on quarreling with the people, used to be called as a son of a person other than his father. He said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! Who is my father?" The Prophet (ﷺ) replied, "Your father is Hudhaifa."
And then `Umar got up and said, "We accept Allah as our Lord, and Islam as (our) religion, and Muhammad as (the) messenger; and we seek refuge with Allah from the afflictions."
Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, " I have never seen a day like today in its good and its evil for Paradise and the Hell Fire were displayed in front of me, till I saw them just beyond this wall."
Qatada, when relating this Hadith, used to mention the following Verse:-- 'O you who believe! Ask not questions about things which, If made plain to you, May cause you trouble. (5.101)
حَدَّثَنَا حَفْصُ بْنُ عُمَرَ، حَدَّثَنَا هِشَامٌ، عَنْ قَتَادَةَ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ ـ رضى الله عنه سَأَلُوا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم حَتَّى أَحْفَوْهُ الْمَسْأَلَةَ فَغَضِبَ فَصَعِدَ الْمِنْبَرَ فَقَالَ " لاَ تَسْأَلُونِي الْيَوْمَ عَنْ شَىْءٍ إِلاَّ بَيَّنْتُهُ لَكُمْ ". فَجَعَلْتُ أَنْظُرُ يَمِينًا وَشِمَالاً، فَإِذَا كُلُّ رَجُلٍ لاَفٌّ رَأْسَهُ فِي ثَوْبِهِ يَبْكِي، فَإِذَا رَجُلٌ كَانَ إِذَا لاَحَى الرِّجَالَ يُدْعَى لِغَيْرِ أَبِيهِ فَقَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ مَنْ أَبِي قَالَ " حُذَافَةُ "، ثُمَّ أَنْشَأَ عُمَرُ فَقَالَ رَضِينَا بِاللَّهِ رَبًّا، وَبِالإِسْلاَمِ دِينًا، وَبِمُحَمَّدٍ صلى الله عليه وسلم رَسُولاً، نَعُوذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الْفِتَنِ. فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم " مَا رَأَيْتُ فِي الْخَيْرِ وَالشَّرِّ كَالْيَوْمِ قَطُّ، إِنَّهُ صُوِّرَتْ لِي الْجَنَّةُ وَالنَّارُ حَتَّى رَأَيْتُهُمَا وَرَاءَ الْحَائِطِ ". وَكَانَ قَتَادَةُ يَذْكُرُ عِنْدَ الْحَدِيثِ هَذِهِ الآيَةَ {يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا لاَ تَسْأَلُوا عَنْ أَشْيَاءَ إِنْ تُبْدَ لَكُمْ تَسُؤْكُمْ}.
Reference : Sahih al-Bukhari 6362
In-book reference : Book 80, Hadith 59
USC-MSA web (English) reference : Vol. 8, Book 75, Hadith 373
(deprecated numbering scheme)
My dear bother in Islam, jazakAllah khayr for mentioning this. My intention wasn't to promote feminism but to highlight that the attitudes towards marriage are all wrong, as Islamic viewpoint is different to what has been discussed. I will elaborate shortly inshaa'Allah.
Only joking. Sorry if I offended you.
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format_quote Originally Posted by sister herb
A girl? Some manners there now if I may ask. No need to be unkindly if disagree with somebody. Or should I call you a sonny?
Only joking. "You go girl" is an American feminist catch cry of support. Sorry if I offended you.
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format_quote Originally Posted by Stoic
this is coming off pretty mean to me. Sure I ask for advice that's what people do when they need help but I also been asking Allah by dua and istikhara. Forgive me If I'm reading ur post wrong
Have you received enlightenment from Allah about marrying her? I didn't mean to offend but it is traditional to marry a young virgin.
Only joking. "You go girl" is an American feminist catch cry of support. Sorry if I offended you.
Apology accepted. But note I didn´t cry support for the feminist purposes but for understanding other people better and for increasing respecting of others. Plus I am not American feminist.
From Occupied Palestine:
We have suffered too much for too long. We will not accept apartheid masked as peace. We will settle for no less than our freedom.
If the person has repented and wants to be obedient to Allah in future, then we must remember that even the sahaabah and sahaabiyaat commited faults in ignorance and before moving to the islamic state, but if the person is careless as to commiting major sins in future, there is good reason to be concerned
When it comes to MARRIAGE it is not the same thing or so black and white. This is why I advised to look for consistency. Most of us have made mistakes, some people make super major mistakes some minor and that's fine, so long as they repent and give up those ways. However, many people revert back within a few years span and some behaviors will always remain.
Again, this is marriage we are talking about not just a friend who may corrupt you. Kids are involved, finances are involved, life plans are involved. I have seen people completely ruined by giving a so called changed person a chance. They didn't look at history, consistency, they didn't check reputation in the community. I know there is only so much we can do and you never really know what you are going to get until you are already in it.
It's called tying your camel. We cannot be so naive to just hear a person's story (usually some sob story about why they so desperately need a spouse, which usually comes with some guilt like of "I can't do it without you" or "I need someone like you in my life") get to know them a bit, (considering people show each other their best while courting) and that's somehow enough.
I certainly am not the person I was when I first became Muslim, I'm not even the person I was when my first marriage ended, but when I got remarried I had a long history of consistency,Alhamdullilah and that is what was most important to my husband due to his previous experience.
As for me, I actually I grilled my now husband as hard as I could. I took him on as one of my clients and put him through some very rigorous testing, made him change his entire lifestyle to see if he met up with his representation of himself. I didn't allow it to become an emotional relationship (Alhamdullilah) as I didn't want that to blind me into making another big mistake like I did the first time around.
Also kids, if she has a child, you better be prepared to accept and love that child individually from his/her mother. There will be days when you don't like your wife very much, and you still have to show love and affection towards the child. If the mother does you wrong in any way shape or form, you still have to keep it together for the child. Step parenting is harder than regular parenting by far.
Bottom line is, make a confident decision and don't be naive. Everyone is allowed to make mistakes and commit sins, but just because Allah forgives doesn't mean you have to go out of your way to accept something you are not comfortable with and influences you don't want in your life. We are no longer in the times of the sahaba when people had a real fear of transgression and changed permanently. We are in a time where imaan is weak and we quickly forget our goals and reasons why we changed to begin with. The number of sisters I've seen go from wild, to conservative and practicing back to wild again is scary. Their faith isn't firm. The kids get mixed messages and are raised in confusion. This is a very very real possibility and you need to prepare yourself for that.
All the best akhi, I only got involve din this thread because it hits home in several ways.
May Allah protect us all and keep us on the straight path. Ameen!
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in future, then we must remember that even the sahaabah and sahaabiyaat commited faults in ignorance and before moving to the islamic state, but if the person is careless as to commiting major sins in future, there is good reason to be concerned because it may corrupt you too......
Some manners there now if I may ask. No need to be unkindly if disagree with somebody. Or should I call you a sonny?
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