Few hours ago I visited online newspaper site, like I do everyday. And I saw an article title about depression, with photo of American band vocalist who committed suicide two weeks ago. I understood why his photo is used for article about depression. I looked at his photo and said to myself "Yeah, I am depressed too". But suddenly I felt an urge that I've never felt before. I felt I should commit suicide. I felt it for few moments until I 'awoke'. "No!, no!, I should not do it" I told myself.
Yes, there is something that happen to me after my beloved wife passed away in 2013. Sometime I feel 'drop' which suddenly I am very sad. I feel I am alone, and no longer have spirit to live. It can be happen anytime and suddenly, although previously I was happy. Yesterday I was happy and had big spirit for live. Even I made many plans, not only for my job, but also for my hobby. But today suddenly my mood dropped and I felt this sadness again although no one knew because I tried to hide it, I tried to behave normally. Even few times I laugh when talked with people around me.
No, I don't want to commit suicide. Not only because it's sin, but also because I have many responsibilities toward my children and toward people around me. But now after I felt this urge I begin to worry, if my mental drop again might be I will lose control on myself.
Greetings and peace be with you ardianto my friend,
You are a kind and caring person, you have chosen to hold off marrying this women, so as not to harm your children, you keep putting others first. I truthfully believe that Allah has created each and everyone of us to be kind and caring, but this is not always possible. Life throws so many obstacles in our way.
I have met two people in the process of committing suicide, they both had similar stories to you, a mixture of love, loss and anger.
After hearing the first lady's story, I said to her that I do not see death as the problem, we all die. I had known her for a few years as a customer, and like you, I saw in her a kindness and compassion.
I said to her, she is a kind and caring person, and it is not in her nature to die an angry bitter and twisted person. Even if you continue to do what you are doing to end your life, find a way to forgive this person, you do not want o leave this life angry and bitter.
When everything had been said by her and me, I said it was pointless coming back next month, but she said come back. When I called back, she had redecorated her kitchen and was planning a holiday.
I have now come to understand that I have left her with a huge burden, she can never forget what happened to her, but each day she would have to let her feelings of anger subside, and to try and find peace. This happened about twenty years ago, and I often think of this lady.
In the spirit of praying to a just and merciful God.
Eric
Greetings and peace be with you, my friend Eric H.
I am not pessimistic person who see the world with negative view and easy to get depressed. Basically I am an optimistic person who have many dreams and try to pursue it. That's why I wonder how could I got suicidal thought?.
But maybe it's because in last few months I often experienced stress. I mean stress, not depression. 2017 indeed, not an easy year for me. In 2016 everything looked fine. So I made optimistic projection for 2017, for business and for my personal life. I planned to get married in 2017. But there were many things that happened. I must close one of my side business and lost my money. My other side business still not show good progress. My main business which I projected would get increase in sales, experience decrease in sales, although not much. And my plan to get married in 2017?. You already know.
My mistake is, when I got difficulty I angry and cursing, instead of be patient and being closer to Allah. Yes, I think this is why my mind became dark and angry at life.
But Alhamdulillah, now I am ready to walk again. I have rearrange my plan, and will pursue my dreams again. In Shaa Allah, I will never give up.
I hope you feel better soon, I know it can be scary when those thoughts come to mind, but like I said. Think of the underlying issues. Have you truly healed from your wife's passing? Are you somehow blaming yourself, are you angry that she was taken so soon? Are you 100% at peace with her leaving?
I am 100% peace with her leaving because I can accept destiny. But to be honest, when I got difficulty to remarry I began to think "If she was still with me now I would not lonely like this". Yes, then I began to questioning destiny.
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format_quote Originally Posted by Mustafa16
you should consult a therapist, they would be able to help you, and trust me, there's nothing wrong with seeking help, we all need help in some way
I am afraid if I seek help from a therapist people will know that I get problem. Indeed, if I have problem I prefer to hide it from other people. What make me afraid is, many of them have tendency to blame me, instead support me.
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format_quote Originally Posted by sister herb
Have you any trusted friend you could talk about your sadness and loneliness? Talking with other person may many times help to remove sad feelings from your mind.
If I get problem with business I can talk with other people. But for problems that very personal, to be honest, I am afraid to talk with other people. I am afraid they will blame me, or their view on me will be changed into negative.
That's why I often feel lonely in the crowd. I have many people around me, but I have no one who can make me feel safe to talk with him/her. The only thing that I can do is talk to someone in my imagination. And since the last few years this 'someone' is Islamicboard forum. I often imagine myself make a thread in IB which I tell what I want to say from my heart. But I am too afraid to really make that threads and then post on IB.
I am not pessimistic person who see the world with negative view and easy to get depressed. Basically I am an optimistic person who have many dreams and try to pursue it. That's why I wonder how could I got suicidal thought?.
In business you have to keep setting yourself challenging targets, how else can you progress?
But maybe it's because in last few months I often experienced stress. I mean stress, not depression. 2017 indeed, not an easy year for me. In 2016 everything looked fine. So I made optimistic projection for 2017, for business and for my personal life. I planned to get married in 2017. But there were many things that happened. I must close one of my side business and lost my money. My other side business still not show good progress. My main business which I projected would get increase in sales, experience decrease in sales, although not much. And my plan to get married in 2017?. You already know.
When we keep increasing our targets year after year, there are going to be times when we see failure. But in times of failure, do we take the time to look around and see what we actually have? Some years ago, I met a man who had been homeless for a number of years, he carried everything he owned in a couple of bags. He said that every night when he found somewhere to sleep, he found several things to thank God for, the shelter, the food, the people he met. He said, even when he went to sleep hungry, he still thanked God for his life.
My mistake is, when I got difficulty I angry and cursing, instead of be patient and being closer to Allah. Yes, I think this is why my mind became dark and angry at life.
Anger places a huge barrier between us and our God, The prophet pbuh said, if you are angry standing up, then sit down, if you are angry sitting down, then lay down.
But Alhamdulillah, now I am ready to walk again. I have rearrange my plan, and will pursue my dreams again. In Shaa Allah, I will never give up.
Amen, may you be blessed in this life and the hereafter, and may you be a blessing to those you love and care for.
Eric
You will never look into the eyes of anyone who does not matter to God.
I am 100% peace with her leaving because I can accept destiny. But to be honest, when I got difficulty to remarry I began to think "If she was still with me now I would not lonely like this". Yes, then I began to questioning destiny.
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I am afraid if I seek help from a therapist people will know that I get problem. Indeed, if I have problem I prefer to hide it from other people. What make me afraid is, many of them have tendency to blame me, instead support me.
- - - Updated - - -
If I get problem with business I can talk with other people. But for problems that very personal, to be honest, I am afraid to talk with other people. I am afraid they will blame me, or their view on me will be changed into negative.
That's why I often feel lonely in the crowd. I have many people around me, but I have no one who can make me feel safe to talk with him/her. The only thing that I can do is talk to someone in my imagination. And since the last few years this 'someone' is Islamicboard forum. I often imagine myself make a thread in IB which I tell what I want to say from my heart. But I am too afraid to really make that threads and then post on IB.
you should not care what people think of you if they know you have a problem, because you should educate them on the nature of mental illness, or if they already know, as in the case of your sons possibly, reassure them that you are still able to care for them and be there for them and you are still their father(your sons) and that you are not "bad" mental illness gets a stigma, especially in the muslim world, but it is an illness just like the cancer.
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