My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare, (OP)
Assalam Walaikum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakathu
I am at a very difficult stage in my marriage and it is constantly eating me up inside, I have been married for for about 16 months and from day one my marriage seems to have been going more downhill than up-hill. Please be gentle in your criticisms (if any) as I know for sure we have 'with the fullest regret' sinned.
I came to a point in my life where I was aged about 33, I had been searching for a wife for around 3 years and still no joy. I came to a point where I was just depressed with my single life and the lack of progress. I do my hajj with my mum and sister and I come back and I meet someone off a matrimonial site (March 2014). We talk, we're getting along and I'm serious about marriage, so is she 'she claims' so I quickly try and get our families to meet, because I didn’t want a pre marriage relationship.
So i take my family down from Leicester and we go down to London and meet her face to face (May 2014). I liked her and my family liked her. So we left that day thinking yeah, we're happy. We start to enquire about the family from locals and our relatives. No one can vouch for the family, we search high and low. Eventually a close relative, my uncle basically gave some negative feedback on this girl and my uncles son mention that the family isn’t right. few weeks have gone by now since the first family meet and my family are asking her family but her family aren’t giving any answers except... its too far for them. We took the hint, so by now I’m asking the girl 'what’s happening, do you want to proceed or not?", girl responds yes she does want to proceed, her parents are still deciding.
In various nagging conversations I kept asking her, what’s wrong, why aren’t they moving things forward, is something wrong, I’m getting paranoid that somethings not right, maybe my uncle and his son are right so I confront her on the phone and ask her straight out, she denies that anything is wrong and says my uncles family are jealous that’s why they do not want this wedding to go ahead because they approached this family for the same girl and they got turned down on two occasions for each brother.
So we continue to liaise over the phone to a point where we now have feelings for each other. On the telephone we form this long distance relationship with no physical contact whatsoever for one year. In the interim between the first family visit and February 2015 my family called numerous times only to be to be told they haven't decided yet, blimey its pushing on to nearly one year, it’s our fault entirely we should have taken a hint from her parents, but the girl had a stronghold on me and convinced me she was the one for me.
By this time, our bond is strong, there is a significant amount of trust and there is a lot of affection, bottom line I was blinded by love (I’ve so let myself down as I’ve seen fellow childhood friends go through blind love numerous times and its effects, yet here I am falling for the same trap!). My feelings for this girl are so strong we eventually meet in Feb 2015 and would meet on a irregular random basis.
Bear in mind me, my family and the girl are praying and praying and praying for this wedding to go ahead so we can end this struggle
Anyway I’m thinking 'I like the girl, I trust her so I’ll wait for her, so waiting waiting, one delay after another, her parents go abroad on 3 occasions in 2015 (India, Saudi, Bangladesh) and my family call them in between (when they come back to England) and we just never got a straight answer, the marriage proposal is just continuously delayed and delayed, yet me and this prospective bride are yearning to get married but it isn’t happening. Finally in May 2016, things start moving, we visit and in turn the family come to visit my family home in Leicester.
So then my family say we would like the wedding ASAP, like September, but her family still isn’t having it, they just wanted to delay and delay, I’ll skip the gory nitty gritty frustrating details and the turmoil my family (maybe there’s as well) faced in organising the wedding, at one point they were like 'can it be April 2017?' we responded It's got to be December the latest, after they kept pushing the date forward one more than two occasions , a) September, then it was b) first week of October then c) end of October, d) then sometime in November eventually leaving us with a date in December 2016. So I'm thinking to myself getting married at 35, Alhamdulillah, and she's 33,
We agreed on things like after marriage if she wants to work she can work here in Leicester and to start off with she can visit family like once a month due to distance and eventually tone it down.
So we get married, and consummate after making dua'z, On Day one i check my wife’s phone (on the off chance) and I find 3 months worth of texts and video call recordings with her and some guy, she communicated with him up until her mendhi day as in had an affair with the guy. This is like nightmare for me, I’m in tears , heart broken to pieces, i confront her and she's begging me holding my feet asking for forgiveness, i ask is the child mine? she says yes, "get a morning after pill if you don’t believe me". I thought to myself we fought hard and waited a long time, I’ll look forward only so I forgave her thinking "she isn’t going to go back to that workplace again, so I got nothing to worry about" ... boy was I wrong...
Month 1, my wife starts crying, she; s missing her parents, that upcoming weekend I take her to my in laws, she says she wants to stay one week, I’m like ok, she extends it to two, I’m not happy but I say ok, my family tell me I should be kind. come week, she's asking for an extra week, I rejected thinking she's taking the mick. these situations bring sourness to a relationship when you have to say 'no' to your wife.
So she comes back to Leicester and she takes the test, Alhamdulillah within 1 month of consummation we have good news, my wife is pregnant..
her parents set off to go abroad mid Jan for a three month trip
meanwhile we plan a trip for Ummrah for end of Jan, me, wife, and my two other family members, knowing my wife is pregnant my wife says she is willing to go. After I place the booking, got the visas, five days before our flight my wife says its too much for her, she cant travel and quickly flees home desperately (picked up by her brother) saying she's only going for two nights even though both her parents aren’t in the country. She's ill, how can i stop her. So I let her go. She ends up in hospital for one night and while our flights are literally days away we continue with our ummrah trip, even my wife says 'go, you shouldn’t miss out'. Selfish of me I'm thinking if my wife really wanted to go she could have, loads of pregnant women fly / travel, anyway i gave the benefit of the doubt whilst i wasn’t still happy about the situation thinking this girl did not want to go with me. I start to become paranoid about my wife. So to summarise that, my wife is at her parents house away from me for 3 weeks... yet again. Paranoia kicks in... inevitably.
Anyway we come back from Ummrah and she comes back to Leicester and lives with me until the end of March. her parents come back from abroad and guess what, we are back at her parents again (with all kindness and good intentions off course) and she stays for one or two weeks. She also takes the wedding gold from the marital home and puts it in her dads safe. (im thinking no big deal, she’ll bring it back, d like her to wear it again) She comes back to Leicester and she breaks it to me that she's going back to work in London at her old place, we argue, argue and argue and I mention her affair and so on. I consult my family, what should I do, my family respond, let her go back to her parents house and work, otherwise she'll be miserable at home. I cut a deal with her, saying you want to work in London? I expect you back every weekend, can you do that?.... she replies yes yes off course yes off course a thousand times.... me being the gullible one thinking a pregnant lady going to put herself through that when she couldn’t even go abroad with me????, she isn’t going to come back every weekend.... I’m thinking she's taking me for a ride... guess what she did in the end, she came home once a month. When asked "when are you coming?", "why aren't you coming?" all I got in return was attitude and the 'lamest school homework type' excuses. we continue to argue, eventually i gave up on that, I’d had enough.
FYI she isn’t that bright or matured unfortunately, she is easily influenced. Half of the stuff she is doing is coming from other members in her family, and she; s determined to see it through.
Ramadan is here.... in a ideal family husband and wife spend the whole ramadan together without miss, i only got two or three days with her at most out of thirty, another heartbreak, she did come for Eid though.
At some point later I'm thinking .... is my child going to even be born in my home town, i was born in Leicester I’d like my child born here please..... if all is well.
at this stage none of the medical records had transferred to Leicester yet, everything is still in London. So I have this discussion with my wife... based on the past few months doesn’t seem like your settling in here... your address and everything is still at your parents...? what’s the plan? still denying there isn’t a plan, she says she will join our surgeries after she finishes her 4 month stint at work and claims the maternity pay, so i get a definitive date from her and she says 2nd week of August and guarantees our baby will be born in Leicester (she even says her parents swear by it too), she even places her hand on our holy book and swears on her life etc etc.
Off course out of suspicion and curiosity I go through her things, I find a thaweez in her purse, I photograph, I didn’t confront her or on it because then she’l wonder why I went through her things, fact is I didn’t trust her then, wont trust her ever,
August comes and there’s still no sign of her registering here in Leicester, after continuous arguments it came to surface that she was indeed having the baby in London, my family didn’t have a problem with it, however it made it difficult for me as Id always hoped everything wold be at home, you know.... local to me in Leicester.
I was just angry I feel like I’ve been lied to constantly. She's always wanting things her way, arguing with me, pushing me to the limits
We have our baby in September, Alhamdulillah its a healthy baby girl, I coped ok in another town (but its selfish of me to think about me after all it wasn’t me giving birth), would have preferred bringing my baby daughter home to Leicester first thing but its not in my fate, after staying in hospital for 5 days (due to 2nd degree tear and blood loss) and after me being told by my wife that 'our child is not legally mine' (after which she apologised for saying) we ended up in our in laws, stayed the night, at which point my mother in law picks an argument with me, persisting our baby has her birth certificate registered to the London address so my wife can claim x y z benefits and tax relief etc and I’m arguing for my daughters birth right that it should have her home address on, but my wife and my mother in law weren’t having it. We have a full on head to head heated argument and I’m highlighting the past 10 months of lies which caused me distress), mid way through I realise I shouldn’t be arguing with elders so I took all my mother in laws #r#p in from of the rest of the family. Inna Lilla Hi wa inna ilayhi rajioon, what has the world come to. The room darkened for me very much and I couldn’t wait to leave this awkward scene and this house.
the following morning I was able to bring her back to Leicester. The first thing we do is transfer mother and baby's medical records to Leicester and continue to attend the check ups and appointments and immunisations here in Leicester, convenient for me so I could take them to the doctors and hospitals.
Meanwhile, my mother in law names the baby, and I’m like 'don’t I get a say', my wife says yeah you pick the name and let your mum pick a house name'. She also wants to contribute to the name. So we have three names and a nickname. Again I consult my family about the birth certificate thing, and my family tell me 'its only a paper', so I allow my wife to use her parents address.
I name first name, I take the name my mother in law gave (out of respect) and place it as a surname, the middle name which my wife gave, out of anger i exclude it because my wife has got a lot of stuff her way and caused a lot of arguments, anyhow she will benefit from whatever claims she makes so why should she upset, she'll be getting her money???? My mother gives the home nickname and we start calling her that at home, turns out when our daughter goes back to my in laws, they all call my daughter the name my mother in law gave, are they making a statement? I don’t know.
Anyway due to resentment and bitterness and the hate I have for my wife, our relationship is literally zero contact, we are only here for our daughter, we can’t seem to agree on things and I feel like my wife just wants to do what she wants regardless of committing to our marriage, Several times I have said would we be better off if we separated, things isn’t working out, you isn’t settling in, I don’t know what’s round the corner, her responses seem to consist of 'not bothered', 'do whatever you like' attitude. She's constantly looking for faults and I’m too busy highlighting the instances where she has hurt me through lies, betrayal, dishonesty and her argumentative approach to me.
We have some intimacy, speechless intimacy, we hardly talk, its as if we are already divorced. We had an immunisation appointment in Leicester, I’ve booked a day off from work all ready and prepped, my wife goes back to her parents, I say stay one week and come back for our daughters immunisations as I’ve made arrangements, my wife insists on staying for two, the day after I drop them off i receive a text saying "I’ve booked her a appt for her here in London so cancel the other one and book another one 4 weeks from that date for next set of injection" Verbatim...... I feel she's undermined me
I know the mother has more rights on the child than the father, but come on be fair and behave maturely and act in the best interest of your marriage, not yourself.
I feel there’s no respect, no commitment to the marriage, getting her to live with me seems to be a big big challenge and I feel I don’t have a say about our child.
My family treat her like a princess and believe it or not whenever my wife’s at home, its as if she's a temporary guest, she’s been married a year she asks me where stuff is in the kitchen. She doesn’t look after my house, doesn’t clean the room, just helps with cooking and some kitchen cleaning, she has said to me and I quote "once you are gone (as in passed away), I have no rights to the house, so will leave everyone and leave Leicester and flee back home with my child"... I'm immediately thinking "do i want to die whilst being married to her, NO!!"
Some of the stuff she says or does to tick me off comes across as provocation, its as if she's trying to annoy me so much that I’ll submit to a divorce so she can continue with her life guilt free
I have suggested to her for us to jointly do charity work, get more involved in selfless acts so that it may soften our hearts, lets go Islamic marriage courses, she isn’t a single bit bothered..,..
Life is very difficult, marriage is very difficult. Life was supposed to get better, happier, instead its a constant everyday battle with my heart, my emotions and my resentment. I can't erase it, its traumatic. What’s the point erasing it, something new will pop up, something always has in the past one year. I feel like ending the whole thing, but I remember my daughter, (I’m not ready to pay child support and have limited access just yet), I pray everyday, ask my wife to pray everyday, ask her to think about our child, our marriage, but I’m not enough for her, its as if she's longing for something else or she just wants to make life difficult. She does not value our marriage.
now criticise me if you will. After marriage I did make some payments to my wife as a husband does, but it wasn’t regular, however shelter, food etc- was never a problem, Alhamdulillah we have two houses and I’m always at home and make sure we are fully stocked up, yet its not enough for my wife. I take her to London and I pick her up, I refuse for anyone else to do that chore, yet I feel greatly unappreciated. When I asked my wife why isn’t this enough, she responded, modern age, women expect more than basic necessities, so this coincides with my mother in law, "if you aren’t going to pay my daughter £250 a week, then let her claim all the benefits, she needs to spend and be independent".
I fear there are bad events round the corner, I continuously pray my salaah, make dua for myself, my daughter, my wife, my family, her family and muslim immah, pray isthikhara, I worry about my daughter, not so much my wife because I know she will continue to do whatever makes her happy
I've been talking about this to a select few, and the feedback I get is "the longer I leave it, the worse it will get", or set her straight, send her back and tell her to come back when its ready.... the fact is they don’t need us, my wife does not need me, she'll happily go back to London back to her parents and her two unmarried brothers.... together they will support her.
Next thing you know its January 2018 first week, my mother in law (without asking me) although she asked my mother arranges for my wife and child to be picked up without my approval. Im thinking I cant take this anymore, I ask my family for advice, they advised me and my wife sit with the imam who performed the nikkah ceremony on the wedding day, I suggested to my wife and she agrees to sit down. so after I week I go to pick her up and we both and baby go and visit the imam. I explain the history to the imam, she also complains to him saying she doesn’t like the water in Leicester, she has a man come into her dreams and tells her things, she feels a burning sensation over her body when I touch her etc etc… the imam, gives us advice on how to deal with problems when they occur outside the marriage, I.e we shouldn’t confront etc or accuse anyone etc. Then the imam asked us if we wanted to continue with the marriage, I said yes only if she keeps to certain conditions, i.e. don’t say bad things about me to her family, I want her 100% co-operation and commitment to the marriage and that we both abide by sharia law. She agrees, vice versa I agree too. I also state no one is taking my wife and child without my permission anymore. If they do its over. Within three weeks she accuses my mother of black magic, my wife tells my mother to go and touch the Kaaba sharif in Makkah and do some kind of kosom (who imposes such requests at the age of 34?, who does that regardless of age?) to prove she hasn’t done it, my wife accuses my mum of taking her London house keys when all along she had it in her handbag, I only found it in her handbag because her accusation against my mother drove me crazy. Her family have been told by pirs or magicians or mullahs etc that someone from my side of the family has done black magic, she confronts my mum on this as well saying we are into thaweez etc and degrades my family. My mother didn’t say anything to me about the accusations as this would cause problems….. until one week before she decides to go abroad to visit her family as her brother is terminally ill, she wanted to focus on her brother and seeing her mum. I then remember the thaweez that has been sitting in her personal belongings all this time, and im thinking if she is so against thaweez, why the hell does she have one?
Its now March 2018, somehow we’ve peddled on whilst there have been some arguments here and there, her parents come back from ummrah, she tells her brother to tell me he’s coming to pick her and my child up, im furious as im not going to take orders like that so i confront my wife, I tell my wife I’l take you on my next day off in two days time, wife says what you going to do if I go now, I said if you go, don’t come back. Big hoo haa argument and wife gets her mum involved and is ready to leave, im crying I get my family involved as it could be the end, later we worked things out, the following day my mother in law is insistent on having my wife picked up, and sends my brother in law. I say to my wife, if you leave today then it has ended, wait 2 days as agreed or else we will need to sit down and end this. My brother in law arrives and questions me why cant his sister come home, I said I haven’t given the permission for her to leave, shes coming in two days time on my day off, he replies make sure you ask my dad for permission before you take her back, I replied, no, that is between me and my wife, he storms out saying is “is she a slave in this house”. I replied off course she isn’t. I re-iterated to her she is not a slave for me or my family and she is welcome to leave anytime she wants (told her to explain to her family as well that she is not being kept in this marriage against her will), she doesn’t even have to do anything for me (forget doing anything for my family), that stuff only comes from the heart if it exists. Although her brother came to pick her up, my wife remained.
Now we have an issue with the wedding gold, ive asked our imam, and he said the wedding gold should be in the marital home, I kindly request to my wife to bring the wedding gold back home, she then replies she wants to sell it and accuses me that I might sell it and keep the money. I wouldn’t sell it without my wifes permission I have no right. Despite being in debt after the wedding, I would not even ask my wife to sell the wedding gold. So although I cant value or claim rights to her wealth (apparently according to her boasting and broadcasting to my family she has over 100 grams of gold and 0.75 million pounds (shes even said she can buy my house 3 times over, ive got a substantial mortgage btw)) she is still adamant in keeping the wedding gold and / or selling it, but she wont do anything with any wealth prior to the marriage? Does that say something about my wife???? Im going to try and get her to sit with the imam again as we have lots to discuss about how the contract was breached etc, she refuses to sit with him, she wants someone else, seems like if it doesn’t work her way it shouldn’t work at all. I have a wife who seems to implement double standards in her life, traditional when it suits her and her family, modern when it suits her and her family?- What do I do?
I worry about my daughter so much... I don’t want her growing up in that family, they come across as dysfunctional to me... but my daughters rizq and fate has already been written, all I can do is try my best but I cant let go of my wifes conduct, behviour, decisions against me and her character, I hate it! I cant live with someone like that for the rest of my life.
There is nothing I can do, its all in Allah's hands, Allah knows best, I pray Allah swt makes it easy for me and my family and for my daughter..... I so regret getting married to this girl, I don’t know what to do.
May 2018: One week after I took her to see a raqi and her being diagnosed with evil eye. She has decided to leave my residence today after an argument we had. I tried to keep my answers to her short and brief. Tried to maintain the peace while we were both fasting in the month of ramadan. She still continued to debate and argue. I out of provoked anger as she started disrespecting my family members told her if she wants to go before eid 'to pack up and go and await a sit down with elders and imaam shortly after Eid' so in a split second she arranged her travel and took the baby. Allahu Aaalaam she has made her decision. Please remember us in your duas. Jzk.
JazakAllah brother, hope Allah swt makes it easy for you too, in either of our cases, it could have been worse, its just im struggling to come to terms with this ongoing oppression, when does this end?... the child maintenance payments, the uncertainty to whether i will always see my kid on time. whether i will receive something better than what i have lost from this marriage. I need to just go to Makkah and cry for help, maybe my prayers will be answered then..... I only hope for a little light at the end of the tunnel now, then at least that'll be something.
To survive these struggles sometimes i have to just go into a introvert mode and just stay quiet and shut myself off from this world. Then that isnt healthy either.
Love to get remarried to somone with a caring character, that itself is another challenge alone, where to find, who do you trust? and how many rejections can we actually handle.
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there is no positive side right now, theres only negative, she holds all the cards
what kind of life would that be anwyay xboxisdead, living everyday knowing you got a daughter living breathing growing up somewhere while you struggle and the mother has had a upper hand the whole time. All this evil doesnt happen without Allah's will. its like theres no right answer apart from "be patient", the same as the expression 'how long is a piece of string....?'
just remember us in your prayers bro. whatever calamity awaits me, just have to take it.
You need to stop looking at things from right in front of your face dunaya perspective for a second. Let me ask you a question, suppose for a split second all this didn't happen. You have a sane good wife and you hold your daughter with your bare hands now and you form some bound together, right? Grreeeat...suppose your wife doesn't nag you (almost impossible), doesn't attempt to take your throne so she leads instead, she is actually a good, chaste woman that the Qura'an talks about. You tried your best to raise your daughter but eventually dunaya toke her from your hands, not the ex-wife, but dunaya toke her from your hands and you fear your environment now is unsafe to continue your religion...you have to pack your bags and leave to protect your afterlife....you tell your wife we must go...but her love and attachment to her daughter is stronger than her love for akhira she wants to stay. She say convincing things about how we as parents must stick together to save our daughter, Allah will question us for our deeeds, we cannot leave our daughter her alone by herself, etc. You love your wife also as much as your daughter. But you know that what she is saying is commendable however it is not possible....if you stay in this evil place you know you will lose the afterlife and there is no returning back, your wife does not want to go...even if she will lose her afterlife, your daughter already lost hers. What will you do? Stay? Or save your skin? I would save my skin. I would pack my bags, ride that airplane and go to a mountain far away from evil where my religion is protected. Because my love...my supreme love to Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) should supersede my love to my mother, father, brother, sister, wife, daughter, son, grandmother, ....materialistic objects, etc.
Would you do the same yourself? You need to ponder and ask yourself and look deep into your soul and ask...will you be willing to sacrifice your daughter and family and your loved ones for Allah (Subhanau Wa Talaa)? Would pick your baby girl and put her in front of prophet (peace be upon him) as the snake lounges to his chest as a sacrifice to your love for the prophet (peace be upon him) if he was still alive? Or sacrifice yourself?
Ask these questions yourself. What does this have to do with this scenario? Simple, Allah is testing you with a difficult trail. But he knows this is not beyond your limits, you need to return back to him and remember the verse in the Qura'an that tells people if you love something it could be evil for you and you hate something it could be good for you. He wants something better for you than this world. Maybe if this didn't happen, you will sacrifice your afterlife for your daughter and wife. Maybe your wife will be a controlling psychopath and your daughter will follow her mom's footstep and you have two women whom you cannot control and you have to..."bring peace in this house".....so you become a "cuckold" which means you need to do the ..."leave to the mountain" road so you protect yourself and you are too weak to do that. Your afraid in future she will take half or more of your wealth, she will say like she did now, "you raped her, you did this to her" and your daughter might "join forces with the mother" and you may end up in prison. Ever thought..that could happen? I need you to look at things from..beyond your eyes..from the eagle eyes...there are wisdom as to why Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) have put you in this situation.
Take my advice..do the recording, show your daughter you love her, show her you are the supreme ultra dad but her mother prevented you from achieving bond with her. When she reaches adult show her the proof and form bound that way. Remember in Islam, custody goes to the mother anyways and you do visitation once a week or twice a week to contact your daughter then you go home and she return back to her mother...in this case however, she doesn't mind jumping to the pit of hellfire by doing something haraam which is cutting ties. Put it in your head..the majority of women are in hellfire...they need to do something to earn the ticket to go through..your ex-wife is part of those people who bought a ticket to hellfire..unfortunately you married that person without knowing. Take this as form of sin cleansing and elevate you to the highest level of Jannah. Put your trust on Allah alone. He plans everything and you are just his slave.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan
there is no positive side right now, theres only negative, she holds all the cards
That is an enormous misconception men and women make all the time. We think she is hold all the cards, she is holding stone from fire that came from hellfire. She is putting in her stomach coal from hellfire. Anyone who do, they are holding hellfire food and they are chewing it and eating into their belly. Your wife does not fear Allah, or even believe of afterlife. You may have married a hypocrite and do you seriously expect any good from such evil heart?
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
Had my final hearing today. They had a barrister (instead of their usual solicitor) who stooped to some low levels and against his work ethics. The barrister made even more requests to put me at disadvantage, however my faith in the judges and social worker today paid off, they both were able to maintain a fair stance at most of the unfair requests coming from this barrister. However unfortunately due to slow processing and procedural delays etc we couldn't finish it today given that we had a whole day.
Anyway the magistrates made a decision but didn't have enough time to finalise it. I'm back there next week to hear the final decision and to pick up a final order. I will soon meet my daughter insh Allah. Hopefully the final order is in my favour in the long term, otherwise il be back there again requesting changes in a new application and have to go up against who ever they bring with them to represent them. The mothers side have so much money so they can hire these hot shot legal counsellors, all I have is my faith and my will power.
I want to thank everyone for their dua's thus far. Still I pray things get easier for me and my daughter, hope you all will do too.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan
Had my final hearing today. They had a barrister (instead of their usual solicitor) who stooped to some low levels and against his work ethics. The barrister made even more requests to put me at disadvantage, however my faith in the judges and social worker today paid off, they both were able to maintain a fair stance at most of the unfair requests coming from this barrister. However unfortunately due to slow processing and procedural delays etc we couldn't finish it today given that we had a whole day.
Anyway the magistrates made a decision but didn't have enough time to finalise it. I'm back there next week to hear the final decision and to pick up a final order. I will soon meet my daughter insh Allah. Hopefully the final order is in my favour in the long term, otherwise il be back there again requesting changes in a new application and have to go up against who ever they bring with them to represent them. The mothers side have so much money so they can hire these hot shot legal counsellors, all I have is my faith and my will power.
I want to thank everyone for their dua's thus far. Still I pray things get easier for me and my daughter, hope you all will do too.
May Allah make it easy for you and have a good bound with your daughter. Remember and make sure your heart is 100% for the afterlife and not for this world...then this world and it's issues become insignificant and irrelevant
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
Assalam Walaikum brothers and sisters,
Hmm, the court order has been issued, not everything i wanted but its a start and the whole court thing has been a 10 month journey. i will get to see my kid before the end of next month and a plan is set out for the next 2 years by order of the court.
whilst this is a positive note, i also have a negative.
my nieces car was set on fire one week ago, we knew it was arson we just didnt know who. the night before the final hearing, some of my relatives houses are called from a withheld number by a bengali lady, where they bad mouthed my family really badly and also claimed credit for the arson attack and ended the call saying something along the lines of "there's more to come". i suspect it is the ex as we don't have any other enemies and given the timing that a court case is in progress and about to finish. Police have been notified but there's only so much they can do. without any proof we cant really say its the ex. unseen evil forces is even more frustrating because you don't know from where or when it will come next.
just when i thought i was making progress i'm slapped with other issues.
what else is round the corner, its times like these i wish i had might, however whats the point of having might if you are a law abiding citizen?.
i think about what myself and my family are now going through, the oppression, difficulties and terror and then i think about the people in the war zones i.e. Palestine, Syria etc. their oppression and terror is amplified and continuous and for some since the beginning of their life, they pray do they not?, when does it end for them if it ends?, and if it doesn't end for them, what chances are it ending for me?
i used to think people who do bad things get their just desserts eventually, now im thinking bad people prosper in this world only it enables them to continue to do bad things without any consequences...
very hard living a life, working, sustaining a house, whilst worrying about close ones and any threats and potential trauma... the thought of my poor niece suffering at the hands of my ex saddens me deeply.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan
Assalam Walaikum brothers and sisters,
Hmm, the court order has been issued, not everything i wanted but its a start and the whole court thing has been a 10 month journey. i will get to see my kid before the end of next month and a plan is set out for the next 2 years by order of the court.
whilst this is a positive note, i also have a negative.
my nieces car was set on fire one week ago, we knew it was arson we just didnt know who. the night before the final hearing, some of my relatives houses are called from a withheld number by a bengali lady, where they bad mouthed my family really badly and also claimed credit for the arson attack and ended the call saying something along the lines of "there's more to come". i suspect it is the ex as we don't have any other enemies and given the timing that a court case is in progress and about to finish. Police have been notified but there's only so much they can do. without any proof we cant really say its the ex. unseen evil forces is even more frustrating because you don't know from where or when it will come next.
just when i thought i was making progress i'm slapped with other issues.
what else is round the corner, its times like these i wish i had might, however whats the point of having might if you are a law abiding citizen?.
i think about what myself and my family are now going through, the oppression, difficulties and terror and then i think about the people in the war zones i.e. Palestine, Syria etc. their oppression and terror is amplified and continuous and for some since the beginning of their life, they pray do they not?, when does it end for them if it ends?, and if it doesn't end for them, what chances are it ending for me?
i used to think people who do bad things get their just desserts eventually, now im thinking bad people prosper in this world only it enables them to continue to do bad things without any consequences...
very hard living a life, working, sustaining a house, whilst worrying about close ones and any threats and potential trauma... the thought of my poor niece suffering at the hands of my ex saddens me deeply.
What you said in bold black not only confirms it but proofs for the people who disbelieve that Allah is real and Allah is watching and Allah is all knowing. If you read the ahadeeth and you read at the minor signs of Qiyama, the end of time ...there is a part there you read but I want to read it again and ponder on it....who leaves the world and who remains in this world?
...
...
...
That is right!! ALL THE MUSLIMS AND PEOPLE WITH LESS THAN AN ATOM OF IMAAN in their hearts/good THOSE LEAVE THIS WORLD and who remain on the Earth? That is right...THE WORST OF ALL CREATIONS EVER...THOSE who live in this world. Not only do they live in this world...they eat the most delicious food, fornicate like animals, listen to music, dance, party, sing, HAVE GREAT POWER, intelligence, wealth, BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH ..live like animals......and worse...THOSE who have the best of health and mind and live happily ever after in this world....UNTIL of course Allah (Subhananu Wa Talaa) destroys them. Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) is giving them false happiness and false illusion and hope.......
Yes...this is Dunaya.....the love of Dunaya means you are an evil person...simple put. You need to put love of akhira, strive in Dunaya, yes, not saying not too...but your love should be for the afterlife. Your ex have her heart for Dunaya, she only sees what is in front of her...she cannot see beyond that and the system plant seed into heart to confirm she is right and you are wrong. The system is designed to destroy family, remove fathers from homes and cause social problems and women...sadly are the majority of this contribution to the evil system. Not saying all, but saying majority and only the women who really fear Allah and believe in the afterlife and unseen are the ones who will not fall pray into the system. But women of weak character, weak faith, weak ikhlas, evil in their hearts are the ones who fall pray to the evil system and manipulate it for their own good. They will bring convincing arguments to justify their actions too!!
Brother...put your faith in Allah (Subhanahu Wa Talaa) whatever happens to you is a test...don't despair. Keep fighting. But should you lose the battle it is for your good and not for your bad. Don't let this become a toxic to your vein, don't let it effect your health and heart...follow my advise should you lose the battle. Do it for Allah's pleasure over anything else...even over yourself desires and interest.
Here is something i need you to be careful....never..ever fight for full custody....beside it being against Islam and against Allah's law...he decreed that women have full custody of children not men...beside that major important factor....if you win for full custody 99% of the cases the mother WILL KILL YOUR CHILD SO NOT TO LET YOU HAVE THE CHILD.......I mean it....99% of the time the mother WILL KILL YOUR CHILD AND SHOW video of her killing the child to you...TO HURT you.
For the protection of your daughter DO NOT FIGHT FOR FULL CUSTODY......fight for visitation right and right to see and raise the child.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
Brother I'm so sorry and upset to hear about this. This is just ridiculous. Even in islam divorce is worst case scenario but when it does it occur, they say release your spouse with kindness and ease. This women has no fear of Allah? It disgusts me...Make allah reward you for your patience. All I can say is say the same dua ibrahim said. For allah loves you and is with you. Allah is with the oppressed and his indeed with you brother. Say hasbiallah wanemal wakil
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
You know people say whatever bad anyone does to you, you gain lots of reward for the hereafter, your sins are expiated etc etc.
Here I am facing potential arson attacks, terrorism and threats from my ex or her family. We are told to exercise patience. But by not acting or retaliating Doesnt that make me come across as weak? Surely we were not told to wait with our hands behind our backs. Anyway the least I could do was report it to the authorities.
I think I need to do more but I csnt without breaking the law
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan
You know people say whatever bad anyone does to you, you gain lots of reward for the hereafter, your sins are expiated etc etc.
Here I am facing potential arson attacks, terrorism and threats from my ex or her family. We are told to exercise patience. But by not acting or retaliating Doesnt that make me come across as weak? Surely we were not told to wait with our hands behind our backs. Anyway the least I could do was report it to the authorities.
I think I need to do more but I csnt without breaking the law
Man is created weak. We human beings are weak. Allah is with the weak and the oppressed. You my friend follow the two criteria, so put your trust 100% on him! Let her be superior over you and let her fluck her feathers, let her contradict the Qura'an and Allah's law, she is the one who is losing not you. Even if she comes out winner in this world.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
Honestly brother, if you want it to stop or want justice, make dua against her and them. Let Allah sort it out. His justice is more stronger than whatever small minded revenge we can think of. It may take time but inshallah it will be worth it. A day will come where you will be victorious . No you are not weak st all. A strong man isnt someone who can break bones or destroy others but a strong one is someone who drinks his anger and resists
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
Been praying to be free from this oppression for quite some time now. It's only a matter of time and a question of when, a question I ask Allah everyday. Il never give up the prayer and will never understand people that are persistent in making life difficult for others now.
So all this time it was me seeking justice in the courts. Now I'm seeking justice in both via the court and in the world. A very pessimistic view and I fear that my patience may soon run out. May Allah swt guide us all.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan
Been praying to be free from this oppression for quite some time now. It's only a matter of time and a question of when, a question I ask Allah everyday. Il never give up the prayer and will never understand people that are persistent in making life difficult for others now.
So all this time it was me seeking justice in the courts. Now I'm seeking justice in both via the court and in the world. A very pessimistic view and I fear that my patience may soon run out. May Allah swt guide us all.
Assalam O Alaikum Brother,
Keep your trust in Allah and know that He knows what is best for you. Sometime our prayers are answered and we do get reward for patience in this world and sometimes our prayers are not answered and we don't get any reward of good deeds in our life either. Sometimes bad people live a very good life and don't suffer in this worldly life even after all the bad things they do to other human beings. But that does not mean we loose hope and faith in Allah. As I said earlier that put your trust in Allah that He knows what is best for you and just be content with whatever happens.
Look at the life of prophets. Do you think Prophet Noah PBUH never made dua for his son and his wife? He surely did but Allah did not accept it. Did Prophet Noah questioned Allah? No, I knew it was best for him to be happy with what Allah has decreed for him. Prophet Muhammad PBUH would have prayed days and night for his uncles Abu Talib and Abu Lahab to accept Islam but Allah had other plans. Point I am trying to make is that don't expect that because you are praying all prayers, your enemy will be humiliated. May be this is your test. Keep your patience and faith in Allah and don't put any condition to it. Faith and love should be un-conditional. You may not get the decision in your favor and you may not see people who wronged you being punished in their life. Remember that this world is temporary and it is better if our prayers and all good deeds are rewarded in Hereafter which is a permanent abode. May Allah keep you steadfast and reward you for your patience in both worlds.
I have not read your entire story but even if my wife has wronged me and asked for divorce, I would have given her custody of my children. Why? Because Islam teaches us to be kind when we get divorced or give divorce to our spouses. It will be a war of ego now to see who wins and who looses. But you can still turn this around and call your ex-wife. Give her custody of your kid for the sake of Allah and trust me this will give you pleasure you can't imagine. This is just my personal opinion and I probably would have done this without any second thought. Again I am sorry that I don't know your situation and leave it up to you to decide what's best for you. In either case, keep your hope, love and faith unconditional. Love and worship Allah because He is the only one who deserved to be loved and worshipped.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
format_quote Originally Posted by HabibUrrehman
Assalam O Alaikum Brother,
Keep your trust in Allah and know that He knows what is best for you. Sometime our prayers are answered and we do get reward for patience in this world and sometimes our prayers are not answered and we don't get any reward of good deeds in our life either. Sometimes bad people live a very good life and don't suffer in this worldly life even after all the bad things they do to other human beings. But that does not mean we loose hope and faith in Allah. As I said earlier that put your trust in
Allah that He knows what is best for you and just be content with whatever happens.
Look at the life of prophets. Do you think Prophet Noah PBUH never made dua for his son and his wife? He surely did but Allah did not accept it. Did Prophet Noah questioned Allah? No, I knew it was best for him to be happy with what Allah has decreed for him. Prophet Muhammad PBUH would have prayed days and night for his uncles Abu Talib and Abu Lahab to accept Islam but Allah had other plans. Point I am trying to make is that don't expect that because you are praying all prayers, your enemy will be humiliated. May be this is your test. Keep your patience and faith in Allah and don't put any condition to it. Faith and love should be un-conditional. You may not get the decision in your favor and you may not see people who wronged you being punished in their life. Remember that this world is temporary and it is better if our prayers and all good deeds are rewarded in Hereafter which is a permanent abode. May Allah keep you steadfast and reward you for your patience in both worlds.
I have not read your entire story but even if my wife has wronged me and asked for divorce, I would have given her custody of my children. Why? Because Islam teaches us to be kind when we get divorced or give divorce to our spouses. It will be a war of ego now to see who wins and who looses. But you can still turn this around and call your ex-wife. Give her custody of your kid for the sake of Allah and trust me this will give you pleasure you can't imagine. This is just my personal opinion and I probably would have done this without any second thought. Again I am sorry that I don't know your situation and leave it up to you to decide what's best for you. In either case, keep your hope, love and faith unconditional. Love and worship Allah because He is the only one who deserved to be loved and worshipped.
W/Salam
Sir, you act like you had choice on this matter @_@ Custody is the RIGHT OF THE MOTHER by Allah's law. It is not like you are doing her a favor or coming out a hero or good guy on this subject. One of the gender differences that Allah decreed that favored one over the other is that female have custodial rights of children. In Islam..IT IS THE RIGHT of the mother to have custody of the children..not a favor by the father to the mother...It is her right because she is a mother, she is a woman...much like Islam decreed men get more wealth than women, just because he is born a male. Just like Allah decreed that the wife obeys the husband if he is of sound mind, again because he is a male and he is head of the household. Islam is showing us gender roles and gender difference right in front of your face...NOT HIDING it or been political correct. ALLAH is clearly teaching you...THAT MEN AND WOMEN ARE NOT THE SAME with all the difference rulings.
The second you remove this boundaries and difference and have women have equal to men in terms of wealth distribution and gender role, the second you have the Western world right in front of you...and as you can see this society is entering into fire and destruction and this you cannot deny.
Sorry for this ramble....but when you said you WOULD give her custody (as if you have a choice) because you want to be nice...I am sorry that made me go You should have said I would hand the child to the mother because Allah decreed it and it is for the benefit of mankind and that I am a poor slave, weak and ignorant and I do not know what Allah knows and I submit and obey! Then that would made me go instead.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
In Islam if the mother (who is the first choice for custody over minor children) remarries then her right of custody is thereafter passed on to her mother, children's maternal grandmother then to her mother in-law then to the husband. Anyways thanks for correcting my words. I meant exactly what you said. I hope that makes you go
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
If only everybody was on the same page. I have to deal with an ex and her family who are hell bent on oppressing me and my family with their inhumane acts. I knew islam gives mothers more rights over children, even the courts and social work give more rights to the mother so what's the point in fighting that argument or battle us fathers are going to lose anyway, shame the court cant deal with evil people who take their privileges for granted, there is no justice, it's not fair but we still have to be the chumps and live with it.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan
If only everybody was on the same page. I have to deal with an ex and her family who are hell bent on oppressing me and my family with their inhumane acts. I knew islam gives mothers more rights over children, even the courts and social work give more rights to the mother so what's the point in fighting that argument or battle us fathers are going to lose anyway, shame the court cant deal with evil people who take their privileges for granted, there is no justice, it's not fair but we still have to be the chumps and live with it.
Fathers only rents their children and he only have access to them during marriage. Ones the marriage contract is over the rent is over. The father have no right directly to raise the children and can only raise them through the mother (and that can only work only if the wife gives the husband his right by obeying him). So once marriage is over that link to your children is done and now raising the children is exclusive on the mother. Meaning only she will be accounted for the children outcome in the afterlife (after all...how could you be accounted when you have no right? That will be unjust and Allah is NOT UNJUST...Allah is JUST), your obligation only is exclusive is financial even if you could raise your daughter better than her mother. My recommendation is do what I told you to do above and save your skin in the afterlife.
If you really need to build family it have to be outside British, USA, Canada, Australia and any feminist country or any country that believe in gender equality and give women right for divorce and equal treatment as a man....If you live in such a country then don't build a family in it. It will never be successful. Only marry a woman who believe in gender difference, that man and woman are not the same and are NOT EQUAL and don't get equal treatment or punishment and on top of it..believe that no woman should have the right to divorce the husband and only the husband have the right to divorce her. If you found a woman who believe this and fears Allah and understand the husband's right and take the warning that Allah have put on the woman about cutting ties between father and children then that woman is for you to marry and build a family. if she wears head scarf but wear the tightest pants and leave nothing to the imagination (much like what I saw today) those are the woman you need to avoid like the plaque. Once you find that saleh woman...(move on) build your new home and build your new family and make new children with that woman. Allahu Allam...maybe this is the healing process you need. Your daughter have her mother now! She may end up JUST LIKE THE MOTHER and she may hurt men much like your ex have hurt you. How do you know that she will grow up to be good person?
Statistics have shown that children raised by single mothers with no input from the biological father end up screwed up, both boys and girls. Your daughter living in this Western world, with a single mother and a society who literally worship woman...you may have lost her already without you knowing it. She maybe a baby and she may have your blood in her veins, but in the end...when she grows older in such a toxic atmosphere...I am afraid she does not belong to you.
Don't feel bad..yesterday I talked to a poor man, he have prostate cancer, two broken knee joint that will never heal and problem with his heart. He have three sons and a daughter. He is from philistine. He is not well educated (nor his wife), he came to Canada only shortly, right after he came to Canada, his wife called the police on him for domestic violence, kicked him out of his home....toke the money from him that he gets from the government, disability money, prevents him from seeing his children and he now lives in an apartment unable to pay rent and cannot return back home. She figured the government will give her more money than her husband would and she is free from all obligations to her husband and she can raise the children the way she wants. She also did false allegation about his treatment to his children and the family is broken. And that is suppose to be a Muslim woman. Now he doesn't know what to do. Your situation is no different than millions of men who go through what you have went through.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan
If only everybody was on the same page. I have to deal with an ex and her family who are hell bent on oppressing me and my family with their inhumane acts. I knew islam gives mothers more rights over children, even the courts and social work give more rights to the mother so what's the point in fighting that argument or battle us fathers are going to lose anyway, shame the court cant deal with evil people who take their privileges for granted, there is no justice, it's not fair but we still have to be the chumps and live with it.
I understand your situation but do you think if you get the custody of your daugter, you can give her the love of her mother? Are you not taking away the right of your own daughter by taking her away from her mother?
When your daughter grows up, she may side with her mother as its natural and consider you as the one who oppressed her mother.
Her mother may have been evil to you but she is a mother and will do what is best for her daughter. If you get married then this daughter could be a source of contention between you and your new wife and you may end up divorcing another woman or treat your daughter unjustly. You can't work and raise your daughter at the same time and will depend constantly on someone else to raise your daughter.
Just obey what Allah has decreed for us and inshallah you will find its reward both in this world and hereafter. Let go the egos, be kind to your ex and to your daughter and leave your matters with Allah.
Sorry if anything I said hurt you and your feelings. I know it is very sensitive topic for you and I am sincerely advising you as a brother and hope the best for you and your family.
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
format_quote Originally Posted by HabibUrrehman
I understand your situation but do you think if you get the custody of your daugter, you can give her the love of her mother? Are you not taking away the right of your own daughter by taking her away from her mother?
When your daughter grows up, she may side with her mother as its natural and consider you as the one who oppressed her mother.
Her mother may have been evil to you but she is a mother and will do what is best for her daughter. If you get married then this daughter could be a source of contention between you and your new wife and you may end up divorcing another woman or treat your daughter unjustly. You can't work and raise your daughter at the same time and will depend constantly on someone else to raise your daughter.
Just obey what Allah has decreed for us and inshallah you will find its reward both in this world and hereafter. Let go the egos, be kind to your ex and to your daughter and leave your matters with Allah.
Sorry if anything I said hurt you and your feelings. I know it is very sensitive topic for you and I am sincerely advising you as a brother and hope the best for you and your family.
Jazak Allah for your prayers. Let us hope that there comes a stop to even the basic non excusable rights from being violated.
- - - Updated - - -
format_quote Originally Posted by xboxisdead
Fathers only rents their children and he only have access to them during marriage. Ones the marriage contract is over the rent is over. The father have no right directly to raise the children and can only raise them through the mother (and that can only work only if the wife gives the husband his right by obeying him). So once marriage is over that link to your children is done and now raising the children is exclusive on the mother. Meaning only she will be accounted for the children outcome in the afterlife (after all...how could you be accounted when you have no right? That will be unjust and Allah is NOT UNJUST...Allah is JUST), your obligation only is exclusive is financial even if you could raise your daughter better than her mother. My recommendation is do what I told you to do above and save your skin in the afterlife.
If you really need to build family it have to be outside British, USA, Canada, Australia and any feminist country or any country that believe in gender equality and give women right for divorce and equal treatment as a man....If you live in such a country then don't build a family in it. It will never be successful. Only marry a woman who believe in gender difference, that man and woman are not the same and are NOT EQUAL and don't get equal treatment or punishment and on top of it..believe that no woman should have the right to divorce the husband and only the husband have the right to divorce her. If you found a woman who believe this and fears Allah and understand the husband's right and take the warning that Allah have put on the woman about cutting ties between father and children then that woman is for you to marry and build a family. if she wears head scarf but wear the tightest pants and leave nothing to the imagination (much like what I saw today) those are the woman you need to avoid like the plaque. Once you find that saleh woman...(move on) build your new home and build your new family and make new children with that woman. Allahu Allam...maybe this is the healing process you need. Your daughter have her mother now! She may end up JUST LIKE THE MOTHER and she may hurt men much like your ex have hurt you. How do you know that she will grow up to be good person?
Statistics have shown that children raised by single mothers with no input from the biological father end up screwed up, both boys and girls. Your daughter living in this Western world, with a single mother and a society who literally worship woman...you may have lost her already without you knowing it. She maybe a baby and she may have your blood in her veins, but in the end...when she grows older in such a toxic atmosphere...I am afraid she does not belong to you.
Don't feel bad..yesterday I talked to a poor man, he have prostate cancer, two broken knee joint that will never heal and problem with his heart. He have three sons and a daughter. He is from philistine. He is not well educated (nor his wife), he came to Canada only shortly, right after he came to Canada, his wife called the police on him for domestic violence, kicked him out of his home....toke the money from him that he gets from the government, disability money, prevents him from seeing his children and he now lives in an apartment unable to pay rent and cannot return back home. She figured the government will give her more money than her husband would and she is free from all obligations to her husband and she can raise the children the way she wants. She also did false allegation about his treatment to his children and the family is broken. And that is suppose to be a Muslim woman. Now he doesn't know what to do. Your situation is no different than millions of men who go through what you have went through.
Off course. I could have been in a position far worse than the one I am now. Still I pray everyday and I feel I am sinking to the bottom of the ocean.... this despair is hard to get rid of. Its latched on to me, not a day goes by I dont think about it. But I'm sorry I cant just forget a little innocent girl just like that, shes still a little toddler.. innocent soul who doesnt even know what is going on..... I think I'm more worried how I will be accountable in the hereafter if I do give up on her. So many fathers have given up and just abandoned their kids. U till I have no choice i have to keep trying I think... the more I try the more I get beat down is the way I'm feeling. Still I feel I must perservere for Allahs sake..
Re: My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightma
Brother do worry, know that you have done all you can and make dua. Do not worry and make dua for allah knows best. Allah can guide even the ignorant amongst the ignorant. Specific case I give you is the story of Salman Al Farai RA. He was a Persian and his family was fire worshipers. Allah guided him all his life to finally accept islam. Allah guides those who have good in them...so many nonmuslims in nonmuslim countries become Muslim...so have hope and make dua that allah guides her. At the end of the day , you did all you could and save yourself. May Allah make it easy for you brother
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You should have said I would hand the child to the mother because Allah decreed it and it is for the benefit of mankind and that I am a poor slave, weak and ignorant and I do not know what Allah knows and I submit and obey! Then that would made me go 
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