To keep a long story short, I been married approximately 5 years, and it has had its many challenges like every marriage. My wife, while amazing in many ways, unfortunately is far too blunt and volatile with her mouth. Even the simplest of conversations can be challenging, something that echoes even in my family.
I am blessed to have a great job where I can work from home full time, so balancing family commitments with work. Downside my office is 80 miles away should I choose to go to the office.
The biggest issue has been ever since my wife gave birth. I am truly blessed with having a beautiful boy who is now 8 months old, but I feel my life has become completely stagnant, both in my deen, and social life.
I feel ever since i have had my child, my mental and physical capacity has declined completely. I havent read salah in ages, i havent even read the quran, im oblivious to the azan when i hear it (as i got an azan clock in the house). Every time my wife goes out with our child, I have nothing but negative thoughts hoping she doesnt come back or something "tragic" happens. Physically i have a gym literally in the back of my house which I dont even use. When it comes to food, I find every opportunity to just order something from outside, with the most amount of quantity. Irony is everyone in my family thinks that me and my wife are the strongest couple in our family and taht I am "level headed" when in reality no one actually has a clue what I am going through.
Some obvious questions with an answer:
Why dont you talk to your wife about this?
My wife is chaotic on her best of days. The best way I can describe my wife is that she has narcissistic traits, whereby she will put someone down for her own selfish gain. When I have simple conversations with her, her responses are direct and somewhat hurtful. She knows it, and apologises after, but when something is repeatedly happening, the apology waters down.
Why dont you take your kid to your parents/her parents house to take some slack of you?
My wifes relationship with my family is rubbish. Again, echoing narcasistic and egotistical traits, she would rather suffer in silence then go to my parents. Most of her thinking is just her rubbish way of thinking. A person can do 99% great things but she will focus on the 1% bad because that person may have made a comment or have had an argument with her in the past. Her parents live around 40-50 mins away, but to her, going there with a kid is challenging, which I respect.
Even when she goes out, I take the initiative to clean the house to the best of my ability so my wife doesnt have do anything when she gets back. Unfortunately the 99% stuff done right holds no weight to the 1% that I may have missed out. Any rational person would point it out but as I said above, she talks with so much hostility, she has no control of the way she talks. When my wife has too much house work on, I always try to help, or encourage her not to cook so she can have a break from cooking and we would either go out or order it. As a husband, I am the calm to her storm, but I am getting to the point where me being "nice" is starting to wear thin.
My daily life either involves a screaming baby in 1 ear, and a nagging painful wife in the other. If I am trying to ease my child, I get criticism from the wife that I am doing something wrong. It feels nothing I do is correct. Given that I work from home, i feel that my routine has become this daily. When I go out with friends or family (like my brothers) for food or something, and I come back late (say 11pm), its followed by criticism that I am coming back too late, or i feel constantly guilt tripped just when I want to go out and enjoy myself. I can honestly say that not a days gone by where she hasnt thrown her toys out of her pram.
I even treated my wife on holiday, fully expensed, which we loved. 10 minutes back into our house, she throws a dig at my parents, triggering a massive argument.
I am at a point where I want to give up on everything. Mentally I am at break point. I have no ambition to perfect my deen, I have no ambition to sort myself out. Even if I do get a break for a day or 2, i know full well its back to square one days later.
I know I am not looking for some miracle in this group, but maybe someone who may have gone/is currently going through something similar could echo their thoughts.
Walaikumsalaam.
I am not married and may not be able to completely understand ur situation. But I do understand that the obvious solutions like talking to ur wife may not always be the easiest to do in such a situation, let alone solve ur problem.
Firstly, i would like to tell you that its great that u are on here looking for a solution. secondly, the fact that you did mention your religious position, shows that it is something on ur mind, even if you say that you are not connected to deen right now. even though most religious people can go through phases like this. as long as you have the faith, u will always find ur way back. Its in our Fitrah (look into this if youre not sure what it is).
Heres a solution i can think of:
Avoid talking about any negative topics with your wife. like your family etc. change the topic discretely if she brings it up. even if it angers you, and u want to say something back, dont. its hard, but it will require effort from ur part if you want to solve this.
Discuss simple problems with her, on topics that will not trigger her, like something about ur work. give her a chance to give u advice, and agree to her even if she may not be right. u dont have to follow it. just give her the opportunity to feel important, in a positive way. maybe she needs attention and this could give that to her.
start doing small acts of worship, even if you do not have it in ur heart yet. Islam grows on us once we get into it, whether we want it or not. and once we are into our deen, blessings follow. it may take time, but it works. start with small acts like giving charity or watching a small islamic video, praying the salah u find easiest, or even just listening to the adhaan when u hear it.
Oftentimes, problems in our life are trials put there by Allah when we are going away from Him. We are tested so that we turn back to Allah since in the end, He is the only one who can help.
If you can focus on this concept, all problems have basically one cause, and one simple solution. the cause being that we are going away from Allah, and the solution being that we just need to turn to Him, even by the tiniest amount, and then He will handle the rest. I can say this from my personal experience that I have gotten out of the hardest problems in life just through dua.
Play the Quran in ur house on a low volume, it softens the heart and will soften both ur hearts towards eachother. maybe have a small discussion with ur wife about a reciter that she likes after playing a few diff recitations. and show her one that u like.
this could also be a simple way of bonding with her through doing a religious thing together.
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