My marriage might not last due to differences between newly wed Wife and Mother

format_quote Originally Posted by SpiritualCandid

AssalamoAlaekum everyone! Hope you all are doing well.

I've just created an account and an new to these forums. I'm 27 y/o and the only son of my parents (hence no siblings). I want to seek help regarding a rather serious issue that has been going on in my life since last few weeks. I'm going to try and keep it short and to the point but the details are quite many so it could get long.

So I got married (arranged) 5 months ago after 1+ year of being engaged to a girl from noble family. She is a house wife and is around 5 years younger than me. Things were relatively alright between my wife and parents. Our family was happy and everything seemed good for the starting few months.

However, things started to turn in a different direction since the past 3-4 weeks as whenever I used to return from work, my wife would tell me the negative aspects from her day and that mainly had to do with how my mother was treating her apparently. She'd tell me that mom doesn't understand her or keeps taunting her like she doesn't do any house chores. She'd also say that her own mom never asked her to do any chores back at home. Well, my mom kind of wanted a house wife as she has been the only house wife and is not in the best of health to do all house chores herself (she's a heart patient and her BP gets high from minor upsetting things) and I don't have a sister to assist her. We do have a daily maid which brooms/mops the floors, does minor dusting etc. Mom doesn't prefer maid cooking food or doing other house chores, so she probably expects some more from their one and only daughter-in-law.

Another thing that has started to come up is me getting taunted for giving less time to parents (especially mother) than my wife. My recent routine was sitting with parents for a short while as we had tea/snacks. Then me and wife would head to our room for me to relax in our private space, watch TV etc. As my wife started mentioning that mom taunts her and kinda blames her for making me away from parents. I've also heard this taunt directly from my mother a few times which made me really upset. I try my best to not make it seem like I only care about the wife; I try to sit with mom as well on which she herself insists that I spend time with wife. Before marriage, I used to watch TV with my dad which he watches alone sometimes and probably feels like mom; but he doesn't taunt me or my wife ever. I do spend time with my dad as well, but mom always seem to make it a bigger issue than it probably is. It has just been 5 months and already I'm being told that I have changed after marriage and being the only son don't give more importance to parents.

My wife would also tell me a few times a week that her shoulders, back, legs etc hurt a lot. I would give her massage to make her feel relaxed. But her reason for these pains were almost always (in her words) the many chores of the house that my mom forces upon her plus the 'stress' that mom gives her. She'd even tell me how her own mom was much more kind to her back at home. She also likes to go and stay at her previous home 2-3 times every week or so which my mom doesn't appreciate very much either. Due to her medical conditions, mom has developed a tendency to speak her heart out (which can be hurting to the other person) but she is a very generous and loving mother from inside; she can be the best mother-in-law when in the right mood and condition and I myself have seen various times her treating my wife like her own daughter. It's just that my wife is also very sensitive and takes everything to heart very easily. She says to me every other day that my mom is making her feel depressed and upset. She usually likes to stay inside the room and use her phone (talking to her own mom, watching videos/shorts etc)

Three days ago, I overhead my mom telling my dad how my wife mostly stays inside her room mostly throughout the day and keeps using her phone, not doing any of the house chores. I actually had just come from a long stressful day of work and wasn't in the best mood either. So I didn't appreciate what was being discussed (as discussions like those tend to create tension in the house which is the last thing one wants after a long day of work). So I went to parents and asked mom why she is discussing these things. I tried to defend my wife and said that she does what she can. She's new to this house etc. It takes time to adjust. But my mom became quite angry and said that my wife would turn on washing machine in the morning (when mom asleep) and wash clothes of the both of us without asking her if anything else needs to be washed around the house. Also that she only cleans our own room and not any other rooms of the house. How she stays inside the room most of the day; doesn't give time to her; doesn't sit with her and talk to her. She complained that my wife doesn't treat her like she would treat her own mom back at home.

Still I tried to take side of my wife on which my dad became angry and said that I should be on the side of parents who raised me... I quickly came back to my room... and saw my wife crying on the bed after overhearing the conversation. My mom had become quite hyper by then (as she tends to lose her temper sometimes due to high BP). She then started telling my dad how this girl has made their son away from them. How she brainwashes me after I come at night and wants us to become separate from parents... I got completely shocked and had already developed a serious headache by then... Had no idea what to do or say at that point... Soon after, I saw my mother crying as she left their room and went into the kitchen....

I could not understand what to do... Just stayed with wife for a while... We talked for a bit on which she said that she'll be going to her home the other day, which she did also. I avoided talking to my parents that night which I'm now quite upset about .. i should have given my parents more importance... I went to sleep soon after as my head was hurting much. Then left for work without having breakfast in the morning as well. There at work, wife texted me how i was doing and etc. We talked on text msg a bit and she was at her home by then. When I talked to mom after a while, she said that she wasn't feeling well previous night and neither me nor my wife checked on her. Only dad gave her medicine in time etc. I became very worried and apologized on the phone. She told me that my wife only tells me half the story and how I should listen and focus on what mom is saying instead... I agreed with her.

Then I asked my wife if she asked how my mom was doing etc on which she replied kinda angrily that she'll ask her when she'll feel like asking. I became upset over her attitude and tried to make her realize that my mom is not wrong. She loves her and she should try and listen to my mom sometimes etc. Our discussion kinda became an argument over text and she would not reply to me after a while..

​​​​​​As I came home later that evening (two days ago), I said sorry to my parents for my behaviour and everything became normal between me and parents. My wife's dad called my dad on the phone after a while and accused us of treating their daughter like a maid or something. Also that she doesn't want to return to us for now and will be staying with them as long as she wishes. He hung the phone on my dad and made him speechless. My mom didn't hear this call and we haven't told her about this yet.

This has been the entire scenario so far. I'm extremely disappointed and hurt that my wife complained and ranted to her parents regarding the situation. Isn't there supposed to be privacy between spouses? Why would she share everything with her dad and why would they react like so. Her dad always seemed like a very calm and gentle person and me and dad both are shocked to see his aggression and attitude over the phone then. My mom has been asking when wife will be returning and I've got no words. We haven't talked since as she won't come online. I'm just very deeply upset over all this and even skipped work today. I never thought things would not work out between my my beloved mother and wife like that.

What should I do and how should I try and save our relationship? I don't ever want my wife to demand a separate house as I love my parents very dearly and can't even think about living without them. Please advice me.

Thank you for reading through my long narration. Jazak Allah!

walaukum salaam brother

i kind of feel your dilemma, i am a only son too (i have sisters though) but i am divorced twice.... and have a daughter from first marriage too.

not sure what she was expecting when she decided to marry someone who lives with their parents... for her to leave like that is a drastic move. i dont want to delve into it and speculate the unknowns as it can be dangerous..

i been through it, consulted a scholar and had a counselling session, wife didnt stick to advice. and criticised the advice saying it was one sided or it went against her wishes and her values etc etc.... i had many red flags in my first marriage before and after, it was a waste of effort and time and bad choice making...... i pray you never do go what i went through...

do you really like this girl, do you like her character, her morals, her ethics, would she really disrespect your parents, is she the type to disrespect her own parents... is she open minded and adaptable...?
you'll need to have a deep conversation with your parents... and also your wife too.... what you dont want is to get any worse.... it then eventually gets to a point of no return... or you turn it around and salvage what you can and build on it over time...
marriage isnt just about loving etc and the romatic part too etc...... its also about working together to live together and build a family... its about tolerance....

people say love is all you need to make something work, i disagree wholeheartedly....
its intention, purpose, sacrifice, commitment, rationale, compatibility helps big time and assists toolerance...

I pray you resolve all issues in sha Allah

for those who are married and settled and happy, AlhamduLillah
for those who are struggling in marriage... i pray your life gets easier in sha Allah
for those not yet married or are divorced and are looking to remarry, i pray your next spouse is your eternal one (in this life and the hereafter).... in sha Allah...

please remember me and my family in your duas.

format_quote Originally Posted by Imraan

do you really like this girl, do you like her character, her morals, her ethics, would she really disrespect your parents, is she the type to disrespect her own parents... is she open minded and adaptable...?
you'll need to have a deep conversation with your parents... and also your wife too.... what you dont want is to get any worse.... it then eventually gets to a point of no return... or you turn it around and salvage what you can and build on it over time...
marriage isnt just about loving etc and the romatic part too etc...... its also about working together to live together and build a family... its about tolerance....

people say love is all you need to make something work, i disagree wholeheartedly....
its intention, purpose, sacrifice, commitment, rationale, compatibility helps big time and assists toolerance...

I pray you resolve all issues in sha Allah

Dear brother, thank you for your kind response. We were introduced to her family via another family that we have known for a while. Her parents and family members all seemed quite religious, gentle, and kind-natured; then we both got engaged within 2 weeks and the duration of our engagement was around 1 year. She was only allowed by her parents to talk to me via WhatsApp messaging. Her family didn't seem to like her video calling me or sharing her pics before marriage. Because of these reasons, I always considered this girl to be quite pious and good-natured (which she probably is as well.)

Although our Zodiac signs seem to be incompatible, things were relatively fine between us before marriage. She was only allowed to talk to me for limited durations and I didn't even get to meet her or physically interact with her before marriage other than just a few occasions (even then, we only got to see and wave at each other from a distance) We'd talk on phone calls a few times a week and send each other text messages a few times a day. Although I come from a background of co-education and both of my Universities had boys and girls openly interacting with each other. She on the other hand went to a College that didn't have co-education and had, presumably, much less overall interactions with the other gender.

Because of her morals and ethics, I didn't mind her only interacting with me for limited durations as I knew that truly pious girls are very difficult to find in today's era and culture. I was content with what I got and she also seemed quite caring towards me and my family.

We do love each other and she never seemed like a girl to disrespect my parents; instead, I've always observed her trying to win my parent's hearts after marriage as much as possible. Although she can be rather quiet and reserved at times, which is probably why my mum feels like she doesn't talk to her as much as she would to her own mother. Wife definitely is much more open and casual with her own mother. My mother also wishes for her to be treated in the same way; however my wife always seems to be much more reserved in front of my parents still.

If she is taunted even once, she becomes even more quiet and reserved to the point that the other person definitely feels it. Regarding your question of whether or not she's adaptable: well she seemed to be getting along pretty nicely in the starting few months, but now she has started complaining to me about my mother almost every other day. Her passion to adapt to her new roles seem to have decreased over time as well (probably because my mum started being more open with her regarding how she's feeling? Because she started hearing those taunts which she wasn't hearing before?)

It is understandably a difficult situation. It sounds like there are a lot of hurt feelings and misunderstandings on both sides. But there is hope for your relationship, and it will take some work. Talk to both your wife and your mother. Let your wife know that you are always there to support her. At the same time, explain to your mother that you are trying to make your wife feel welcome and included in the family. Moving into a new household with different expectations and dynamics can be overwhelming and stressful for anyone. Similarly, ask your wife to empathize with your parents' situation and their need for help around the house, especially considering your mother's health condition. This may be difficult, but it is essential.

It is also important to set some boundaries between your wife and your mother. Spend time alone with each of them and have joint conversations with your wife and mother. Talk to your parents about their expectations and find practical solutions to distribute household chores.

Disagreements are natural in any relationship. Address conflicts respectfully, finding resolutions together. Be patient and persistent in efforts to improve the situation. Strong family relationships need ongoing commitment and understanding from everyone.

May Allah make it easy for you.

format_quote Originally Posted by SpiritualCandid

Although our Zodiac signs seem to be incompatible, things were relatively fine between us before marriage.

Zodiac signs are prohibited in Islam. Never look at them. Safiyya reported from some of the wives of Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) that Allah's Apostle (ﷺ) said: He who visits a diviner ('Arraf) and asks him about anything, his prayers extending to forty nights will not be accepted. [Muslim]

Please see https://islamqa.info/en/answers/2538...ac-signs-haram

To be honest, reading of this post, makes me pretty sure, your "wife" and her family are not true muslims, they are like the iranian goverment in iran, having the clothes of sheep, but realy, they ware wolfes.
you know, it easy to clame to be muslim today, but to be truly muslim, this is hard to find. Also the new generation of girls, they are obsessed with their mobiles, sitting on tiktok, instagram etc which is realy shejtans platforms for tricking everyone into the hellfire. Stay away with girls, obsessed with this platforms and their smartphones. Thats my advice.