I am new to Islam and to this community. i am writing in fact, because I have many questions. I am not very sure about what has occurred.
Here is my situation. I am a Canadian of mixed ethnicity (Japanese-German) I was not raised in any particular religion. I am an artist and love to travel. Now my boyfriend, who I will call Anis(not his real name) of the past 3 years is a Sudanese Muslim. We love each other deeply. It has not been an easy road though. First we come from very different communities. He has only been in Canada for 5 years and still suffers from many of the growing pains of being a new immigrant.
But for some reason we have found ourselves together and unable to separate depsite the obstacles, we have kept pursuing our relationship. We relate very well, have similar opinions in regards to politics and have similar goals. there is much passion too. Shortly into our relationship, i thought I wanted to marry him. He told me with much sadness that he would love to, but does not know if his parents would accept. I was heart-brken but continued. Slowly I learned to appreciate Islam, and understand Anis better. I thought if I had faith and continued, eventually we would work things out.
I found it confusing though, in trying to accept Islam, while we were having a "Western style" relationship. About 4 months ago, I decided we must stop any physical contact, if I am going to accept Islam. Shortly after Anis, told me that he is engaged, and has been for the past year to his cousin. I was in utter shock that he did not tell me earlier. And he has been talking with her on the phone for the past year. I felt deeply betrayed. It is strange because sometimes I felt a fear that he was having an affair on me, although I had no evidence. When this new information came out, I understood why I felt something that I could not explain.
I have been trying to accept the situation. But I cannot believe he would prefer to marry a women he has not met for over 9 years, than to stay with me, his sweetheart and love. Sometimes I think our lives would have been too hard, to figure out: money, child-raising, since we come from such different backgrounds....but still it hurts too much to lose him in this way.As a women born and raised in the West, it is still too unbelievable that this is happening.
About 2 days ago, Anis left for the Sudan to get married. I am in utter shock and disbelief. he told me he loves me dearly and will never love another woman like me. But now he is going to get married to a women his parents and relatives chose for him. he is going to bring her back to Canada. I stil can't beleive this is happening. If there is anyone who can give me some words of wisdom or a way to accpet and understand this situation better is would be so appreciated...
Has this happened to others? Has anyone been in Anis's situation? Did it work out? Is this a phenomenon of this modern era? Don't many arranged marriages end in divorce? Why would be urge me to convert, if he did not intend to marry me?? Why did he not tell me earlier?
It does what if you die or something happens and you divorce if it was for you she will simply revert back to her old ways and in western cultures the kids go to the mother more than likely then what?
welll even if that does happen, we shouldn't judge because we don't know the persons intentions. Only Allah knows.
welll even if that does happen, we shouldn't judge because we don't know the persons intentions. Only Allah knows.
yes exactly only Allah knows thats why I wouldnt want to risk it..........I'm sorry to say I am skeptical about such things(bad I know) but I am.......and now back to topic
You what, how does it?
It does what if you die or something happens and you divorce if it was for you she will simply revert back to her old ways and in western cultures the kids go to the mother more than likely then what? I'm very sorry but I didn't insult anyone,if in 2006 to ask a question out of interest is insulting then I'm very sorry please forgive me.
You ask how it goes both ways? Well isn't it just as possible that she converted for Allah and not for you? Isn't it possible that there are men out there who marry women for other reasons and not for Allah? How can you judge someone's intentions?
To answer your question about her "going to back to her old ways" isn't it just as possible that she converted for a good Muslim man who taught her well about Islam and she eventually accepted Islam for Allah? Isn't it possible that her intentions could have changed?
Asking questions can be very insulting when done in the way that you did it, suppose you did marry a "white girl" and someone asked you if you married her for a green card or for Allah, would you not be insulted? You and so many other Muslims ask converts on a constant basis if they converted for Allah or for a man, our intentions are being judged and that insults us.
But i wont be unfair to people who commit themselves to arranged marriages either.
It is unfair to say "dont arranged marriages end up in divorces?" i know of more arranged marriages that Survive the Ups and Downs of life compared to 'love relationships'
And sister artichokeforest,...i suggest you ask your Boyfriend those questions that you have posted on the forum,he is in the position to answer your questions,no1 else in here can answer your questions.
Surely we can give you our Opinions,..but if you want answers,you know where you'll find it,all you need now is the courage to make the move and ask the right person the right questions.
Peace.
Dont Mistake My Harshness For Strength And Neither Mistake My Kindness For Weakness.
I am sorry sister that you have to go through this. I find it amazing that he dropped this bombshell after you stopped being intimate with him. This is how it usually goes. A guy likes a girl, he sweeps off her feet, making promises etc and then he finds out that she wont put out and she is dropped like hot potato. This happens all the time. Those men who stick around are those who are serious about you and want commitment.
Having said this, there was a reason intermingling (having boyfriends/girlfriends) was forbidden. All this heartache and uncertainty are out of the picture. Lets face it..men and women behave differently and usually are after different things from relationships.
Sister if you reverted for him, try to learn about Islam properly this time.
May ALlah ease your pain sis and i suggest that he isnt worth your love if he was willing to go through a marriage.
If he found so easy to disobey Allah which is he finding hard to disobey his parents? Was it because he was just messing with you? Man like that you dont want as a father for your kids or as a husband.
SLAAM,
I feel ur pain, sometimes muslim bros lead astray,
unfortunatley all bros are not like that. you have changed,learnt the hard way, but islam will guide u for a better future.
by the way FORGET HIM
I am sorry sister that you have to go through this. I find it amazing that he dropped this bombshell after you stopped being intimate with him. [...]
Salaam
Good point!
Peace glo
Here I stand.
I can do no other.
May God help me.
Amen.
Come, let us worship and bow down •
and kneel before the Lord our Maker
[Psalm 95]
I admit at one time in my life I had always wanted a white girl ...I would ask her if she would convert and so on so I could get married to her and what not....... then it struck me what if she marries just for me and not for Allah? did you convert for him or for God/Allah?
I suppose you are right! ALL of you are in some ways. The thing I can't stand is the righteousness sometimes. There are still many questions I need to answer in my position to Islam. I don't think there are many people who convert overnight. Even groups of people who have converted have always retained many of their ancestral customs, and combined them with Islam. So how do i fit in that way. For all those people born into Islam, they have troubel seeing the cultural context, Turkish Islam, Indonesian Islam, Sunni, Shia, Sufi...all the various divisions and sub-divisions.
I like the Sufi take the best. Where are all the Sufis?
I feel a deep blessing(baraka) for my experience, and wish not to trash it, by feeling sorry for myself. I don't see myself as a victim. I do feel very heart-broken and I miss him deeply. I believe our love was genuine. I read Sayib Talib's, A Season of Migration to the North. I see the battle between the East and the West, the Orient and Occident. My face is Japanese, but with a hijab i could pass for a muslim, more easily that caucasion reverts.
Given my expectations as a person raised here, this kind of thing only happens in the soap operas. It seems so dramatic and extreme. I think I am still simply in shock.
Did I convert for him or for Allah? Well I would say for both. I cannot separate them. the experience of love, erased alot fo my pain, and put me in touch with many answers. I think once my heart heals and mends itself, I will make my final decison on where I stand.
I don't have a community. An Islamic community. Nor do I know where to find one. I wonder why Anis could not have facilitated this more. Did he not have a responsibility. I always like i was trying to be something, that i had no idea about. Try to be a Sudanese lady. I have the feeling he will regret it, at some point. I have even wondered if it would eat away at him.
In order to help with the mending of my heart, I am going to Guatemala for 6 months to learn how to backsrap weave with Mayan Indigenous ladies. Inshallah.If anyone knows any muslims down there, please let me know!
Thank you for your honest post. You certainly have spent some time pondering these things, haven't you?
format_quote Originally Posted by artichokeforest
In order to help with the mending of my heart, I am going to Guatemala for 6 months to learn how to backsrap weave with Mayan Indigenous ladies. Inshallah.If anyone knows any muslims down there, please let me know!
Bizmillah
I hope you find the time, peace and space in Guatemala to make those important decisions for yourself! How soon are you going?
I don't know any Muslims down there, but I do know how to weave!
Blessings on your road to discovery.
Perhaps, perhaps, just perhaps you'll be able to share with us one day, how things went ...
Love,
Peace glo
Here I stand.
I can do no other.
May God help me.
Amen.
Come, let us worship and bow down •
and kneel before the Lord our Maker
[Psalm 95]
I don't have any muslimat friend in Sudan, but my friend's husband is working there for Petronas Malaysia. Maybe he can help u find a muslimah friend in Geutemala.
My advice is... forget him. When I broke-up with my ex, I tooks 6 months to forgive and I took 3 years to forget. U can forget him sooner if u find a better guy. Don't think about the memories. He is not a good Muslim when he without feeling guilty to Allah commit sins. If he can betray his fiance, he can betray his wife very easily. When he commit a sin and nothing harm happen to him, he will do it again with other lady with or without your knowledge without feeling guilty. Does he a good muslim?
hi there.
I know how you must feel broken heart. You will be thinking how you want him back but trust me you don’t I’ve been in that kind of situation where I very day wonder if I converted for god’s sake or him. His not worth your time that’s how I feel now and be happy you have not had a child for that man. But Allah will help you if you ask for help and keep reading more about Islam and sake knowledge of Islam within your community you will be shocked in what you will find.
Well, thanks for your support in the matter. BUt at this point I don't really want to hate him, or look down upon him. Is that a very Islamic attitude? I realize that he was promised before he even met me. I admit , he could have been alot more honest with me, from the beginning. Then , perhaps, we could have found some way, some compromise. Anis, even went into a severe depression for months, and i think it was because of his internal conflict, between me and what his parents wanted. Is he not being a good muslim, by following his parents wishes?
The way I see it, the sheer momentum of his culture, is much more powerful then his individual desires. Is this not what has made Islam such a powerful religion all these years. Freedom of choice,is not a high priority.
Does it sound like I am making excuses, for his bad behaviour to me?? Probably. DO I appreciate your opinions, Yes!
I do wish he would have stood up for me. The person I would want to be with, would have done that. But it is a risk. Now at least I am free to find someone who is truly meant to be with me... I will continue learning more about Islam, becuase now that it is in my heart, i cannot turn my back on it.
Maybe he loved you the best way he knew how. Are you a better person for having known him? I bet you are. Try to remember what the two of you had in a positive light but be willing to recognize any errors or sins the two of you made. Best of luck to you.
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