parents

[searchingsoul]

What does Islam believe about respecting your parents if they did little to earn your respect?

My parents are both getting old and I do spend a lot of time taking them to doctors and running errands for them. They would like for me to live with them so I'd be available to them all the time. The problem is they were not the best parents when I was a child and it is difficult for me to be civil with them for lengthy periods.

I know we are supposed to forgive people. I try to forgive them but sometimes I cant avoid having negative thoughts about them. It actually makes me depressed to be around them too much. If I am just around them for short periods of time I am able to be avoid arguments.

Any advice?

[Kittygyal]

hello.
i see you are having a difficult time now you have to always look on the bright side cause once you loose your love one believe me you will regret it.
maybe then back days it was your fault cause then you were immature but then again now i have lost my mum and i know it's very hard i can remember the times when i used to be a pillet and be naughty and then i used to get grounded for all this which i hated.
you always need to think about the future,think now if you lost one of your love one what will you do?? how will you suffer?? who is going to be there for you??
your parents brought you up and if they didn't you wouldn't be on Earth you should be proud you have got your parents think about who's parents have past away :'(
now i regret not listening to my mother but when the time comes you will realise everything.
parents are the best thing you should always be there for them no matter what you should spend the most with them, you never know when the time comes to leave everything one day this will happen to ALL of us too.
just think now IF your children did that to you how would you feel??? exactly you will feel like punishing the child and you'll feel like your children don't want you no more.
all i can say is just RESPECT them and be with them forget them back days start a new line with them.
all parents love there children no matter what silly thing they have done but they will NEVER say i DON'T love them cause they brought you up.
you need to be close with them and show them your always there for them,live with them for like a month or so and then go and come back again.

i am not sure cause i am a revert but i know in every religion you need to respect everyone no matter who it is cause if you want respect back then you should treat others as you would treat your self

take care

[- Qatada -]

Hey.


You might want to check these links out insha'Allaah (God willing):


Dutifulness to Parents
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/S...=1119503544228


Du`a' for non-Muslim Parents
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/S...=1119503543246


Social Relationship Between Muslim and Non-Muslim Family
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/S...EAskTheScholar


Does Islam Forbid Befriending Non-Muslims?
http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/S...atwaE%2FFatwaE



If you need more info. please do ask.


Peace.

[searchingsoul]

I read the attached links and agree with the information. I also appreciate your advice Islamgyal. What you say is very true. But my issues with my parents are much more involved.

I don't like to dwell on the past and hold grudges. I think I've done a pretty good job trying to forgive my parents. I tell myself that they did the best they could. I don't really know if this is correct or not. Now that many years have passed we have a situation of both my parents and me acting like nothing happened in the past. The pain is resurfacing and it is hard to deal with.

I may not have provided enough detail in my original post. My parents did little to support my brother and me. They didn't provide us with adequate food, healthcare, or clothing. They were abusive and insulting. Social services intereacted from time to time. We were once placed in a foster home. So my issues with the parents go above and beyond complaints of a spoiled child.

Is a child still expected to care for her parents if the parents did not care for her as a child?

[Kittygyal]

hi.
ok now i understand and i am so sorry to hear this.
all you can do is forgive them and just pray so god that this will never happen ever again also over NET we can't feel your feelings but all i can say talking to you is better than on NET nd also tell somone about this such as one of your relatives.
may i ask are you still in a foster home and are the social services still coming????

if you don't want to answer don't worry about it cause i'll know what you mean.
i hope god makes your life easier for you
take care

[searchingsoul]

hi.
ok now i understand and i am so sorry to hear this.
all you can do is forgive them and just pray so god that this will never happen ever again also over NET we can't feel your feelings but all i can say talking to you is better than on NET nd also tell somone about this such as one of your relatives.
may i ask are you still in a foster home and are the social services still coming????

if you don't want to answer don't worry about it cause i'll know what you mean.
i hope god makes your life easier for you
take care

Hi. I'm well into my 30's now. There's been a lot of time elapse. My brother has MINIMAL contact with our parents and does nothing to help them. I understand his reasoning. I on the other hand now live somewhat close to them and they try to rely on me more. What bothers me is they act like nothing wrong ever happened and have never apologized. They also remain very insulting to me. I'm not looking for them to apologize because in their mind they probably did nothing wrong. I expect them to use kind words around me and my family and refrain from insults. Since they are refusing to do so I've limited my help to them and wonder if it is wrong.

[Kittygyal]

Hi. I'm well into my 30's now. There's been a lot of time elapse. My brother has MINIMAL contact with our parents and does nothing to help them. I understand his reasoning. I on the other hand now live somewhat close to them and they try to rely on me more. What bothers me is they act like nothing wrong ever happened and have never apologized. They also remain very insulting to me. I'm not looking for them to apologize because in their mind they probably did nothing wrong. I expect them to use kind words around me and my family and refrain from insults. Since they are refusing to do so I've limited my help to them and wonder if it is wrong.

hi.
now i totally know where your coming from but NO you are not spoilt the only thing i can say is just forgive them and and ask forgiveness from god and i know everyone really loves there parents even though bad things have happened they always turn around one day or another back to you so the best thing is to stay with flow
take care

[Muslim Soldier]

What bothers me is they act like nothing wrong ever happened and have never apologized. They also remain very insulting to me. I'm not looking for them to apologize because in their mind they probably did nothing wrong. I expect them to use kind words around me and my family and refrain from insults. Since they are refusing to do so I've limited my help to them and wonder if it is wrong.

Perhaps they act like that because they too want to forget the past and build a better future. Why dont you talk to them? If you have done so then do it again. Show them thier mistakes and in the process accept some of your mistakes(this might make them feel good)

[glo]

What does Islam believe about respecting your parents if they did little to earn your respect?

My parents are both getting old and I do spend a lot of time taking them to doctors and running errands for them. They would like for me to live with them so I'd be available to them all the time. The problem is they were not the best parents when I was a child and it is difficult for me to be civil with them for lengthy periods.

I know we are supposed to forgive people. I try to forgive them but sometimes I cant avoid having negative thoughts about them. It actually makes me depressed to be around them too much. If I am just around them for short periods of time I am able to be avoid arguments.

Any advice?

That's a toughie!
It sounds to me like you are still working through stuff. And perhaps moving in with your parents, when you still feel so much resentment, would only increase your bitterness!
Can you talk to them about your childhood, and work through the past?
As your parents get older it may become harder and harder to do so, so perhaps now is the best time?

I am in my thirties, too.
I had difficulties in my childhood, especially with my stepfather.
Having children myself has made me realise just how hard being a parent can be, and it has softened my view of my parents somewhat.

I worked very hard at forgiving my stepfather, and it was a difficult process.
I started by asking him to forgive me for the mistakes I had made, and I thanked him for all the good things he provided me with.
But I also learned to stand up for myself and assert my rights as a stepdaughter!
I have learned to respect him as he is - he is not perfect, and never will be - but he is not all bad either. Just another human being, really

I hope this helps somehow ... sorry if I'm garbling on ...

Blessings.

[Lateralus63]

Well this is really a question of what you really want. Go into your conscience, if you can live your whole life hating your parents, without an ounce of guilt. Go ahead, i've seen it happen myself. And in this perspective, where the parents have not deserved their title, then i believe its totally justified. Thats because the respect that we give to our parents is conditional to what they actually did for us as children.

I dont believe they deserve hate, as far as forgiveness goes, thats honestly for you to decide. Use your conscience as a compass.

[Mezier]

Perhaps they act like that because they too want to forget the past and build a better future. Why dont you talk to them? If you have done so then do it again. Show them thier mistakes and in the process accept some of your mistakes(this might make them feel good)

This is really good advice. I am sure your parents realize what they have done. May Allah guide you and your parents.

[searchingsoul]

Well this is really a question of what you really want. Go into your conscience, if you can live your whole life hating your parents, without an ounce of guilt. Go ahead, i've seen it happen myself. And in this perspective, where the parents have not deserved their title, then i believe its totally justified. Thats because the respect that we give to our parents is conditional to what they actually did for us as children.

I dont believe they deserve hate, as far as forgiveness goes, thats honestly for you to decide. Use your conscience as a compass.

I don't hate my parents. I do feel sorry for them. They realize what they've done and do not find error in their ways. They cast the blame on others like the school systems, social services or nosey neighbors. I do pray for them and try not to hold a grudge.

I forgive them of their past errors. That is not an issue. I do not find that current verbal abuses should be tolerated.

" Thats because the respect that we give to our parents is conditional to what they actually did for us as children. " I totally agree with your comment. Thank you. You answered my question.

[Muhammad Waqqas]

What does Islam believe about respecting your parents if they did little to earn your respect?

My parents are both getting old and I do spend a lot of time taking them to doctors and running errands for them. They would like for me to live with them so I'd be available to them all the time. The problem is they were not the best parents when I was a child and it is difficult for me to be civil with them for lengthy periods.

I know we are supposed to forgive people. I try to forgive them but sometimes I cant avoid having negative thoughts about them. It actually makes me depressed to be around them too much. If I am just around them for short periods of time I am able to be avoid arguments.

Any advice?

For a Muslim, if he or she displeases his or her parents to the least degree, and her parents die without forgiving her, he'll directly go to the HEll without any interuption.

We belong to our parents, our every single cell is actually their part. We are part of them. WE KNOW THEY LOVE US. If we say thay don't, we lie. They Do. No matter what you say. I have seen 90% young boys/girls blamming their parents that they don't love them. One may be able to magin 1 out of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 might not be loving the kid, but how can we say that 90% of parents don't love and mistreat the children? The reson is that we simply donot understand their love for us, and when we cannot, we start assuming that they don't love us.

Paradise lies beneath the feet of the mother. Respect her as much as you can. Love her! No matter how harsh she might be with you. There is no way out (atleast if you are a Muslim). Same is the case with the father.

[lolwatever]

What does Islam believe about respecting your parents if they did little to earn your respect?

My parents are both getting old and I do spend a lot of time taking them to doctors and running errands for them. They would like for me to live with them so I'd be available to them all the time. The problem is they were not the best parents when I was a child and it is difficult for me to be civil with them for lengthy periods.

I know we are supposed to forgive people. I try to forgive them but sometimes I cant avoid having negative thoughts about them. It actually makes me depressed to be around them too much. If I am just around them for short periods of time I am able to be avoid arguments.

Any advice?

If you where in an Islamic country you'd still be obliged to respect them and care for them, the prophets Hadith is very explicit, he told his companions to always be dutiful to their parents, and then a companion asked "even if they opressed us?" and the prophet replied "Even if they opressed you".

From a Muslim's perspective, Muslims don't be dutiful simply to payback the good someone done to them, rather they do it to get rewards from Allah, so their motive is Paradise, not to payback the parents tit for tat.

[syilla]

parents only think what best for us...especially your mother...(feeling like singing the song your mother...)

everyone should be humble when communicating with their parents...

If we realised and always remember that... we have hurt them so many times (since we're small) and sometimes till they shed tears...

then maybe we will lower our positions when we are near them

I know it is not easy to be nice to a person...when they are not nice to us...
but... what to do... they are our parents...without them... we will not be here.

as what they say in malay...

syurga di bawah tapak kaki ibu...
(the paradise is at your mother's feet--hehehe... i'm not good in translation sorry abt that)

[searchingsoul]

If you where in an Islamic country you'd still be obliged to respect them and care for them, the prophets Hadith is very explicit, he told his companions to always be dutiful to their parents, and then a companion asked "even if they opressed us?" and the prophet replied "Even if they opressed you".

From a Muslim's perspective, Muslims don't be dutiful simply to payback the good someone done to them, rather they do it to get rewards from Allah, so their motive is Paradise, not to payback the parents tit for tat.

But is oppression the same as abuse and neglect?

[searchingsoul]

That's a toughie!
It sounds to me like you are still working through stuff. And perhaps moving in with your parents, when you still feel so much resentment, would only increase your bitterness!
Can you talk to them about your childhood, and work through the past?
As your parents get older it may become harder and harder to do so, so perhaps now is the best time?

I am in my thirties, too.
I had difficulties in my childhood, especially with my stepfather.
Having children myself has made me realise just how hard being a parent can be, and it has softened my view of my parents somewhat.

I worked very hard at forgiving my stepfather, and it was a difficult process.
I started by asking him to forgive me for the mistakes I had made, and I thanked him for all the good things he provided me with.
But I also learned to stand up for myself and assert my rights as a stepdaughter!
I have learned to respect him as he is - he is not perfect, and never will be - but he is not all bad either. Just another human being, really

I hope this helps somehow ... sorry if I'm garbling on ...

Blessings.

No you're not garbling on . I read your post several times today and found much comfort. In my situation it's hard for me to justify their actions (both past and present) as simply being human. When I'm around them they degrade me, call me insulting names, curse at me, and encourage my children to do the same (thinking it's humorous).

[searchingsoul]

For a Muslim, if he or she displeases his or her parents to the least degree, and her parents die without forgiving her, he'll directly go to the HEll without any interuption.

We belong to our parents, our every single cell is actually their part. We are part of them. WE KNOW THEY LOVE US. If we say thay don't, we lie. They Do. No matter what you say. I have seen 90% young boys/girls blamming their parents that they don't love them. One may be able to magin 1 out of 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 might not be loving the kid, but how can we say that 90% of parents don't love and mistreat the children? The reson is that we simply donot understand their love for us, and when we cannot, we start assuming that they don't love us.

Paradise lies beneath the feet of the mother. Respect her as much as you can. Love her! No matter how harsh she might be with you. There is no way out (atleast if you are a Muslim). Same is the case with the father.

If you read my posts you'll see that my complaint is much more than petty ungratefullness. They physically and mentally abused their children. They did not feed us. They did not cloth us correctly (I'm not griping about not being clothed in the latest fashion but not having socks or a winter coat in the winter). My mother repeatedly told us that she never wanted us. They didn't take us to the doctor when we were very ill. They beat us. They were not uneducated or poor. They were selfish horrible parents. They continue to be selfish horrible old people. Surely there is a line that one can draw when dealing with the respect of such parents. Is this not true?

[Nafiisah]

Dear sister,Assalaamou'alaikum
Whatever your parents did to u that did not please u, please try to overlook it. Maybe it is easier said than done but think that Allah is knower of all things. Do ur duty to them. Do not respond to harshness by harshness and by this InshaaAllah , u will show that u fear Allah and act in a noble way.
May Allah forgive your parents if they did not perform the duties entitled to them as parents.Ask for forgiveness for them from Allah.

Show mercy as Allah too is most Merciful.
Do not think about their ways. Just think that u r helping them to the best of ur abilities and that God will reward you for this.

[glo]

No you're not garbling on . I read your post several times today and found much comfort. In my situation it's hard for me to justify their actions (both past and present) as simply being human. When I'm around them they degrade me, call me insulting names, curse at me, and encourage my children to do the same (thinking it's humorous).

I don't think you can put up with that! You are not only there to care for your children and parents - you also have to protect yourself!

During one of our last family visits to my parents (they live abroad, so we always stay for a few days), my stepfather called us all insulting names (Bizarrely, I don't think he meant to offend! Perhaps, like you said, he thought it was funny! )
I felt that I had to put him right.
I didn't do it there and then. I waited for the right time - and then I told him very calmly that nobody could speak to me like this, not even him, not even when I was a guest in his house ...
He listened, and he has not done it since.
He didn't apologise, but, hey, you can't have everything!

Blessings.