Salams everyone
This is the first time Im using this anonymous account and I feel almost sneaky. So anyway. I have been asked by a close friend to marry him. Friends with him before i was muslim but closer since i have been since he seems to be the expert on alot of questions i have. This was a big supprise to me since we are about an 7 year age difference and i never considered the thought of this. I always had a feeling he might have liked me, but never thought he was that interested. On top of the age difference and the supprise of the whole thing we are very different people. For one he has been a muslim since day one while i am a revert only a few months really into it. He is also a virgin and I am not. This being not totally weird to me since i know why he is still a virgin at the age of 29, its just an obvious difference between us. I just feel strange because i am younger but have been in 2 relationships in the past and have had well you know. On top of this there is a big cultural difference, I am american born and of european and hispanic decent while he is pakistani. I do not have a problem with interacial marriage but im just concerned about the whole family thing, mostly on his side, my family does not care about this issue since my family is very mixed in the first place. It is his family that seems to want him to marry into his culture only, they already attempted to arrange his marriage to a woman back in pakistan, but it never happened. I am afraid if i do marry him, his family will always be, well maybe snotty to me, especially if they think he married me for looks, not being conceited but hey even my ex boyfriend's of four years mother thought this of our relationship, just showing you how shallow people are about outside characterisitcs and out of their attitude never take the chance to get to know you. On top of that they may think that because i am a convert that i am not good enough, which many immigrant muslims do think of converts, i have had this attitude apparent to me not by all but by some. I do think about what a good person he is, very religious, very responsible and loving so its a good idea i would pressume, but i just think there may be problems, i dont know im just confused and dont know what else to say right now. I have more to write but am stuck right now.
Any comments?
Last edited by anonymous; 06-07-2006 at 03:34 AM.
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Do not worry about the virgin stuff...i am sure that guy loves you very much.
If i were you, I'll accept him on one condition. He has to try to make a good impression (to my mother). And try his best to make my mother happy.
Time will heal alot of things...so don't worry about his parents. When you gave birth to a beautiful baby, i am sure they could not resist loving their grandchild.
salams sis
My advise is first to make dua-istikharah and Ask Allah to make easy for you what is best. And then put his family stuff aside and think abotu whether you're happy with the idea if his family didn't exist.. and if you are, personally i think even if his parents do have that sorta unfortunate mentality, eventually they will get over it (very soon after teh marriage).. i know of one such case where the parents -who are from south-east asia- where initially like 'no way' about their son marrying a european sis, but now they're reeeally hapy about it and all that mentality is gone..
As for your past and the relationships n stuff, Once you become a Muslim it's a fresh start so don't let that bother you.
All the best, make plenty dua and inshaAllah it will go fine.
It is Allah, except Whom there is no God; the King, the Pure, the Giver of Peace, the Bestower of Safety, the Protector, the Most Honourable, the Compeller, the Proud; Purity is to Allah from all what they ascribe as partners (to Him)! Al-Quran 59:23
Salaam everyone. My brother might be getting married in a year or two, he doesn't prefer south asian woman due to personal stuff. My mom does not care too much about where the woman is born and what is her enthic background, but as long as she is muslim that is good enough. So sister, you are a muslim do not let your background, enthicity and the difference in skin colour and culture influence your decision about the marriage. As long as you know he will treat, respect, and makes you happy and will be a great life partner than I don't see why you two can not get married. All the best on your decisions if you have more questions please do note hesitate to ask, we all are here to help out people like you.
I dnt really see the point of this thread cuz i mean if u like the guy n hes practicing then meet his parents see what they say, if theyre not happy because of cultural difference then tough, but keeping the parents happy is a big deal at the end of the day theyll be ur childrens grand parents n will always be in ur life n u cant afford to have a grudge or anything in the way.
just see how it goes.
also sis about the virgin thing, wen u because muslim all ur sins are wiped away so u have a completely fresh slate so u dnt need to bring that stuff up as it was ur past as a non muslim. whatever u do as a muslim is what counts.
the age this is no biggie, my husband is 8 years older then me n we're both extremely happy with eachother alhumdulillah (all praise due to god)
just see how things go after u meet his parents n make sure u have a wali assigned to u, a wali is a practicing male who acts as the representative for the female, all ur conversing u do with ur potential spouse should be done through a mehram, such as a dad brother uncle grandad etc but if u dnt have one (asuming ur family isnt muslim) then u can have a wali assigned to u that will take care of everything.
u sed hes ur close friend etc etc however islam forbids us to coverse freely with the oposite gender when they are not our mehram as we shud avoid anything that can lead to zina (fornication) so be very careful n observe modesty when discussing marriage with him n do not sit alone with him etc etc. im sure u know the drill but if u dnt then let me know n i can inshallah post u stuff regarding this.
the thing is sis, do you geniounily like him! (soz bout spelling) the reason is you may be thinking of marrying him becouseyou feel you owe it too him. if you really do than i think forget bout what his family reaction is coz eventually the are gonna accept you, also i tell you one thing muslims respect converts sooo much, i am being serious! i would personally love to marry a revert because i think its facinating ow they came to islam and the fact that well they practice their religion well!
salamz
When you converted to Islam... all your previous sins are gone. You have no need to mention them ever again. I guess my advice to you is... don't tell anyone unless its necessary..
and regarding marriage... I will only advise you as prophet Mohammad (pbuh) the Ummah. Marry for deen (religion)... Marry for deen.. Marry for deen.
He already knows i had a boyfriend for 4 years before i reverted, so the virginity thing is no secret, but he said he has no problem with that because i was never the type to sleep around, so he respects me and knows i have not been involved with anyone since.
I will most likely marry him, i always thought he would be ideal but just kept it to myself because i didnt think he would have ever asked me to marry.
Thanks for all the input and info everyone
Last edited by anonymous; 06-13-2006 at 03:50 AM.
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Available to those who wish to be anonymous in the Advice & Support section.
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I dnt really see the point of this thread cuz i mean if u like the guy n hes practicing then meet his parents see what they say, if theyre not happy because of cultural difference then tough, but keeping the parents happy is a big deal at the end of the day theyll be ur childrens grand parents n will always be in ur life n u cant afford to have a grudge or anything in the way
aww thats a tad bit dismissive dont u think.. the lady is expressin a worry of hers concerning a serious step in her life and you're dismissing it as pointless or maybe i jus took it that way..
it doesnt jus come down to whether u liek the guy does it??? read istikhara namaaz and make yr decision from there.
Insha- Allah with watever u decide u are happy and things work out well for u.
do istikhara cos what you may think is good for you may be bad for you and what u may think is bad for you may be good for you Allah knows best...
and with the issues conserning his family they'll get over it... i mean do they not plan on going to hajj?? and seeing all the different races and backrounds unite before their One True God? and if they have issues with it it tends to only last until ur blessed with a child inshallah...
any sins u have comitted when u were non muslim have been wiped away so there is no need to ever mention them again... marriage is really important so dont rush into it ... make dua and see how u feel and then if u think its right then iinshallah go ahead...
if you do then congratualtions!!!
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