i have known a guy for about six years now.For approx.five of those years we have loved eachother...however secretly.
it wasnt until the last two years that he told me that he had feelings for me.i couldnt deny mine as he already knew.
i do not and have not wanted to do anything haraam all along.i have tried to get into the topic of marriage and that, even though we do not do anything wrong, it is still not right and that we need nikah. he is still studying and has no money, no work, no self-confidence, no sense of responsibility outside his personal sphere...
i have known a guy for about six years now.For approx.five of those years we have loved eachother...however secretly.
it wasnt until the last two years that he told me that he had feelings for me.i couldnt deny mine as he already knew.
i do not and have not wanted to do anything haraam all along.i have tried to get into the topic of marriage and that, even though we do not do anything wrong, it is still not right and that we need nikah. he is still studying and has no money, no work, no self-confidence, no sense of responsibility outside his personal sphere...
what do i do.any advice?
please be empathetic in ur responses.
dnt know how empethetic im being..but maybe you could approach his family...?
"'Cause I hear the whispered words
In your masterpiece beautiful
You speak the unspeakable through
I love you too"
dnt know how empethetic im being..but maybe you could approach his family...?
he doesnt have a family.they live abroad.he is part of a tight community which moderate his life...he is convinced that it is wrong for him,regardless of his age, to have feelings and confess them and want to get married. he worries that they will say he is too young etc...he cannot stand up for himself.
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he and we are ready for it...he is old enuf (relatively).but he is studying.
we should get married because it is illogical to try and keep things safe when u both love eachother.no matter how hard you try not to stray, it is impossible, espcecially when ur lives are so linked via uni, organisations etc and that person is in ur face all the time.
two years is a long enough wait.if i wait for him and his community people to agree on his age for marriage, i/we must wait a good three years.
this is haraam.i have tried to leave him, but i cannot.i am emotionally attached..and we know eachother way too well.six years.
empethetic is the higher modality of sympathetic. it implies putting urself in the others shoes and looking at situations as though it is you whom are living it.
I know that at first look this will not seem to be very empathetic. But, if the two of you have not found a legitimate way to be married, perhaps both of you are not quite ready yet. Yes, it is best to get married the moment you both are ready. but, it is necessary that both be ready for the responsibilities. One person can not hold a marriage together, it takes 2 mature people to make it last.
Honest, when both of you are truly ready, no person will be able to state a valid reason why you should not be married.
I know that at first look this will not seem to be very empathetic. But, if the two of you have not found a legitimate way to be married, perhaps both of you are not quite ready yet. Yes, it is best to get married the moment you both are ready. but, it is necessary that both be ready for the responsibilities. One person can not hold a marriage together, it takes 2 mature people to make it last.
Honest, when both of you are truly ready, no person will be able to state a valid reason why you should not be married.
yes..but...who is ever ready for marriage.we are ready for marriage. ther e nothing holding us back but his lack of all that i stated earlier.
thats wher i need the advice..what do i do? there is no excused he can use to satisfy me anymore, but i love him so and do not want to let go.the excuses suffice him well and truly. they are valid to him...but noone else but him and his community.
i have known a guy for about six years now.For approx.five of those years we have loved eachother...however secretly.
it wasnt until the last two years that he told me that he had feelings for me.i couldnt deny mine as he already knew.
i do not and have not wanted to do anything haraam all along.i have tried to get into the topic of marriage and that, even though we do not do anything wrong, it is still not right and that we need nikah. he is still studying and has no money, no work, no self-confidence, no sense of responsibility outside his personal sphere...
Assalamu-alaikum sister (I was abit perplexed that your username is 'anonymous gender' as you are quite clearly a sister!).
I will try to be as empathetic in my response as I can......
Regarding the following:
format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender
i thank u all for ur help.yet i still feel as though the advise which will make me feel ok is yet to be provided by all my brothers and sisters...
please help me.
Sister, what kind of advice would make you feel ok? There can only be three outcomes from your predicament 1. You marry him 2. You wait 3. You walk away. The consensus seems to be that you wait for him to finish his studies and then seriously approach the idea of marriage.
I can understand that the first option will seem the most desirable....but is it the wisest move? I know Islam encourages people to marry young, in order to keep their desires in check amongst the many other reasons..... I think in extreme cases (where there is a real threat of falling into great sin) this may the solution.....but does this reflect your current situation?
What about the third option? If he can't provide the commitment that you are looking for - how long are you willing to wait? Can you find it in yourself to walk away? Judging by what you have written, you have developed a deep bond with this person. It will be extremely difficult to erase this person from your memory. Imagine your parents find you a suitable match elsewhere.....who will you be really thinking about? As a Muslim, this will be a very dangerous and vunerable situation to find yourself in........so this is highly unlikely to be the solution either.
Which brings me to the second option. You wait. Before I ramble on as to why this may be the best option let me tell you something about my situation. I am a sister in her late twenties still waiting for a proposal (via family/friends). In many communities I am considered 'past it', 'on the shelf' and to some 'at the back of the shelf'!!! Can you imagine how difficult it is to wait for something that might never happen?! Yet I have hope - even though the situation at times can appear very dire!
Sister you are in a far better position, you have someone who wants to marry you......he's just not ready for it yet. You say that ‘he is still studying and has no money, no work, no self-confidence, no sense of responsibility outside his personal sphere...’
I am confused, if he lacks these important attributes that a man needs to sustain a marriage – how can a nikah be on your mind? …………..But that’s me going off on a tangent – I know questioning how you got to this point is academic. What you need is a way forward.
Time will provide you with the following:
He’ll finish his studies, inshaAllah find employment, develop his confidence, his family will acknowledge that he is no longer a boy but a man – and thus ready for marriage. At this point, I don’t think anyone will have any valid reason for you not be married.
Dear sister, Islam is a religion of logic. Sometimes our families can appear to be a big trial for us. In this case perhaps his family is a big trial for him. But until he can stand on his own two feet and provide the basic things that a husband needs to provide – the best thing would be to wait.....?
Allah knows best. I would strongly suggest that you seek the advice of a qualified scholar. You’ll find forums full of people (like me) with opinions …..but true advice comes from those qualified to give it.
All I can say is, why don't you do the "Istikhara" prayer? If being with this guy is good for you and for your deen, Allah will make it possible for you. But if it's bad for you and your deen, allah will make you meet a better guy.
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