Please help Sticky situation!!!!!! Jazakallah

format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous

Can I just clarify a couple of things:

1) Was your husband married when you met him?

2) Is his wife aware that the man has a second wife i.e you ( No I bet)



3) How old is your husband and is he looking for a third wife? LOLOLOLOLOLOL am messin, but sis how old is he?

Sounds like he is keeping you as his 'dirty little secret'

1) Yes sis he was married when I met him.... but sometimes your heart takes over your mind & I guess in my situation I thought it would be easy...

2) Yes you are right his wife is not aware that I even EXIST

3) He is 28... & I hope he isnt lookin 4 a 3rd wife!!!!!

At times I do feel as If he has the upper hand because he knows I am scared of him leaving me...& I do feel like Im his dirty little secret but when hes in front of me I cant see past him, his smile & tellin me everythings gonna be orite & that I will get used to it!!!!

For the marriage to be valid doesn't he have to ask permission of the first wife?

also, it says in a surah, marry 1,2,3 or 4 if you can treat them equal but seeing you can not marry only 1?

After all, if you only see him 2 days a week and she get's 5 days a week, doesn't seem equal to me...good luck with this situation, may allah/god help you.

OK sis -- Im going to give this a shot and inshaAllah it will be of some assistance to you.

This is solely my opinion. unless I posted a source.

Sis from what I have read from your posts is this -- you were fully aware of his situation before you married him and I assume this also to be the fact that he hasnt told his first wife or wouldnt be telling his wife --- so you had full knowledge of this before you married him.

If this is correct -- then you pretty much knew what you were getting yourself into. It is better to be married as second wife than being single if this is all that was available to you.

see source below

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=11519&ln=eng

Unfortunately some ppl here are quick to judge a fellow brother in islam - astaghfiruallah - however the brother does not require the permission of his first wife to remarry.

Here is a quote from the source below

"no evidence appears neither in the Qur’an nor sunnah requiring the permission of the first wife if her husband wishes to marry another wife, and therefore he is not required to ask her permission. However, he needs to be judicious in taking this decision and to weigh it carefully with respect to benefits and drawbacks and to look with the eye of wisdom at all of the considerations pertaining to the matter, and he should strive all he can to conciliate, reassure, and satisfy his first wife, in order to ease and mitigate the effect of the matter upon her"

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?re...0second%20wife

Though the situation in the source is a little different to yours the main answer applies to you. He does NOT have to tell his first wife but it is preferred that he treats everyone fairly and does so --- this is up to him and not up to you -- especially considering you knew what you were getting yourself into.

Now whether or not his first wife knows about your marriage to him is irrelevant to YOU and your marriage --- its relevant to HER marriage cause she doesnt know and thats to be left between her and her husband for them to deal with and the consequences etc -- its got nothing to do with you.


What has got to do with you -- is how he performs his duty to you as your husband.

And this is where I feel he is letting you down and making you regret the marriage.

You and him are married therefore he must fulfill his obligations of supporting you in EVERY form -- that includes financially - even though you can support yourself. (unless you waived this right at the time of marriage --- so did you agree to this b4 you married him???)


It also includes the amount of time he spends with you and fulfilling his husband duties towards you to avoid you falling into fitnah -- which was the whole point of getting married in the first place.

So if he is NOT living up to his islamic obligations to you as a husband -- then i suggest you see a sheikh for some counselling for you and your husband.

Divorce is not reccommended in islam generally however IF he does not rectify his ISLAMIC duties to YOU and counselling with a sheikh is NOT helping you and your marriage.

THEN and only after you have tried all ISLAMIC avenues -- you should divorce as he would be clearly failing his duties towards you.

PLease understand your duties as a second wife in islam and his duties as a husband towards you sis --- noone said this will be easy thing to live with --- however that is a decision you already agreed with before you married him -- so now you must do what is right islamically also and try to fix islamically what is bothering YOUR marriage.

It is clearly the brothers right whether or not he chooses to tell his first wife and does not concern you.

However you dont have to hide your marriage -- do not be ashamed as you ARE islamically married - unfortunately however you should expect in this day n age where people who are known to him and his first wife will think the way they think about other wives --- However, it is not your problem and remember you get their good deeds if they talk about you and also they get the punishment for accusing a chaste or loyal wife/woman of wrong doing.

So to help in this regards i suggest you strengthen your eman and knowledge in our deen and also go speak with a sheikh about how you feel and how he is not living up to his duties and go from there inshaAllah.

format_quote Originally Posted by AnonymousGender

Jazakallah brother for your advice I have tried explaining in many ways but he reckons im interfering with him & his family...........:confused: I did actually think of ringing his wife and telling her but I decided it might just make things worse!!!!!!





Could someone please clarify on the above asap as I am very worried.

Jazakallah

AnonymousGender,
What would you and your daughter like to do? What does your heart want? These aren't questions that you need to answer here. They are for you to think about, (between you and your daughter). Because of the fear and tension that has built up inside you, it appears that you're focus is on others. Think of yourself and your daughter. Also bare in mind, she may be a lot stronger (and wiser) than you realise, and she is the best person you (as a mother) can trust. (Please forgive me if I have said something wrong, no offence was intented).

format_quote Originally Posted by Angelzz

OK sis -- Im going to give this a shot and inshaAllah it will be of some assistance to you.

This is solely my opinion. unless I posted a source.

Sis from what I have read from your posts is this -- you were fully aware of his situation before you married him and I assume this also to be the fact that he hasnt told his first wife or wouldnt be telling his wife --- so you had full knowledge of this before you married him.

If this is correct -- then you pretty much knew what you were getting yourself into. It is better to be married as second wife than being single if this is all that was available to you.

see source below

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?ref=11519&ln=eng

Unfortunately some ppl here are quick to judge a fellow brother in islam - astaghfiruallah - however the brother does not require the permission of his first wife to remarry.

Here is a quote from the source below

"no evidence appears neither in the Qur’an nor sunnah requiring the permission of the first wife if her husband wishes to marry another wife, and therefore he is not required to ask her permission. However, he needs to be judicious in taking this decision and to weigh it carefully with respect to benefits and drawbacks and to look with the eye of wisdom at all of the considerations pertaining to the matter, and he should strive all he can to conciliate, reassure, and satisfy his first wife, in order to ease and mitigate the effect of the matter upon her"

http://www.islam-qa.com/index.php?re...0second%20wife

Though the situation in the source is a little different to yours the main answer applies to you. He does NOT have to tell his first wife but it is preferred that he treats everyone fairly and does so --- this is up to him and not up to you -- especially considering you knew what you were getting yourself into.

Now whether or not his first wife knows about your marriage to him is irrelevant to YOU and your marriage --- its relevant to HER marriage cause she doesnt know and thats to be left between her and her husband for them to deal with and the consequences etc -- its got nothing to do with you.


What has got to do with you -- is how he performs his duty to you as your husband.

And this is where I feel he is letting you down and making you regret the marriage.

You and him are married therefore he must fulfill his obligations of supporting you in EVERY form -- that includes financially - even though you can support yourself. (unless you waived this right at the time of marriage --- so did you agree to this b4 you married him???)


It also includes the amount of time he spends with you and fulfilling his husband duties towards you to avoid you falling into fitnah -- which was the whole point of getting married in the first place.

So if he is NOT living up to his islamic obligations to you as a husband -- then i suggest you see a sheikh for some counselling for you and your husband.

Divorce is not reccommended in islam generally however IF he does not rectify his ISLAMIC duties to YOU and counselling with a sheikh is NOT helping you and your marriage.

THEN and only after you have tried all ISLAMIC avenues -- you should divorce as he would be clearly failing his duties towards you.

PLease understand your duties as a second wife in islam and his duties as a husband towards you sis --- noone said this will be easy thing to live with --- however that is a decision you already agreed with before you married him -- so now you must do what is right islamically also and try to fix islamically what is bothering YOUR marriage.

It is clearly the brothers right whether or not he chooses to tell his first wife and does not concern you.

However you dont have to hide your marriage -- do not be ashamed as you ARE islamically married - unfortunately however you should expect in this day n age where people who are known to him and his first wife will think the way they think about other wives --- However, it is not your problem and remember you get their good deeds if they talk about you and also they get the punishment for accusing a chaste or loyal wife/woman of wrong doing.

So to help in this regards i suggest you strengthen your eman and knowledge in our deen and also go speak with a sheikh about how you feel and how he is not living up to his duties and go from there inshaAllah.

Jazakallah khair 4 your advice sis u are right. I did know what I was letting myself into at the time, Inshallah please make dua that allah gives me sabr, and may allah do what is best for everyone.