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Falastineya
05-13-2011, 04:36 AM
Salam guys
I joined this site to seek guidance and from a problem I'm having. I don't know where to start :/.

I met a guy whose a family friend at my sisters wedding.
We started talking on facebook and I guess we just clicked.
We've been together for almost a year and planning to get engaged when the time was right and he could afford it. All of this was going on without any family members knowing.
I'm aware what I was doing was haram, talking to a guy.
but our love just grew stronger..we couldn't last a day without talking to eachother.
My parents found out and were extremely upset. My dad Is a very strict guy and took very bad. They told me cut off all connections with him. So I did. I told him that my parents found out and we just had to stop because what were ddoing is haram. He was very dissapointed and upset but understood that we had to.
I stopped talking to him in the beginning of feburary. He's calling me occasionally but I don't pick up. It's very hard for us both. He recently sent me a message telling me how much he loves me and misses me and wants to see me.
The three months of not talking to him changed me. In a good way and bad. I now pray 5 times a day, have strong faith and always keep Allah in mind. But I just can't stop thinking of him. He's constantly on my mind..I don't want to continue talking to him behind my parents back tho..they don't diserve that.
I replied to his message telling him I just can't be with him like in a bf and gf way..
And that we just had to break things off.
He felt really upset and didn't reply.

I've been thinking tho...if he really loves me like he says he does why can't he just make our relationship halal by getting engaged?

I've been asking for Allahs guidance..prayed istakhara 2 times..and asking Allah "if he's good for me and good for my future let him be in it, if not make it easy for me to forget
about him and move on"

But still I'm constantly thinking about him and missing him.
Is this a sign or what?
I'm just confused and don't know what to do.

Salaam
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
05-13-2011, 09:19 AM
Assalaamu Alaaykum

Does the guy not want to get engaged? if not then just try to forget him and keep in mind that Allaah has someone better. i would say the best guy who fears Allaah is one who asks for your hand in marriage if not then it best to stay far away.

Also try to let your parents know you want to marry the guy insha'Allaah, let them know that you have cut all relationships with him and that you wish to do it the way that pleases Allaah and not the way that doesnt please him. And ofcourse your parents know whats best for you and so do you when you realised the wrong and the rights. make Du'aa, supplicate to Allaah and remember him constantly in the time of need and also not just in needy times but ofcourse all the time.

Trust in Allaah and all your worries will be gone uktee, put emaan and love for Allaah as the main priority and it well help you forget the guy if you cant.

I hope someone with better advice will advice you, you are in my Du'aas..
Reply

Dagless
05-13-2011, 10:11 AM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
I've been thinking tho...if he really loves me like he says he does why can't he just make our relationship halal by getting engaged?
You've said it yourself. Ask him.
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tigerkhan
05-13-2011, 12:06 PM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
I'm just confused and don't know what to do.
y are u confused...u just stop talking him bcz of ur parent... but do u think of our LORD, Allah SWT has more right on u than ur parent. y should not we put HIM on first no. HE love and care us and He has given us a way of life islam in which we can live happily. so be clear He has given us a halal option, so if ur ex friend is serious he should go for marriage proposal. if he dont that clearly mean he want to use u like a tissue paper.


Originally Posted by Falastineya
Is this a sign or what?
its just human nature and normal thing...remember time is a big healer and with passage of time man has habit to foget most severe accidents. be confident and follow a clear way given to us by islam. i hope u will be happy with what Allah SWT has written for u.
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Falastineya
05-13-2011, 03:20 PM
I really appreciate everyone advice.
Pearl or wisdom- he always talked about getting engaged and us looking into the future.
His mom knew about us and always supported us. He seemed like he was really into getting engaged..but he couldn't afford it at the moment..his dad is sick and he's the supporter of the family. His mom and siblings are in Palestine..and he's here..he told me he wouldn't want them to miss the engagement. His family is coming back to America this summer tho.

The message he sent was basically him really wanted things back to the way they were before, but I can't go back to that. I just don't seem to get it..he was so Into get engaged before..he still really desperately wants me..but hasn't mentioned getting engaged. I don't know what's holding him back..if he wants me that bad..
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Falastineya
05-13-2011, 03:23 PM
Thank you tigerkhan you are right.
Time does heal..but it's not like I can forget him..he's always going to be in my life...
When I said he's a family friend..he's actually my sister's husband's half brother...so I'm bound to see him ALOT.
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
05-13-2011, 03:34 PM
Assalaamu Alaaykum

Originally Posted by Falastineya
I really appreciate everyone advice.
Pearl or wisdom- he always talked about getting engaged and us looking into the future.
His mom knew about us and always supported us. He seemed like he was really into getting engaged..but he couldn't afford it at the moment..his dad is sick and he's the supporter of the family. His mom and siblings are in Palestine..and he's here..he told me he wouldn't want them to miss the engagement. His family is coming back to America this summer tho.

The message he sent was basically him really wanted things back to the way they were before, but I can't go back to that. I just don't seem to get it..he was so Into get engaged before..he still really desperately wants me..but hasn't mentioned getting engaged. I don't know what's holding him back..if he wants me that bad..
have you asked him, if not maybe you should ask him insha'Allaah ? If he does want to 'get back with you', then tell him you are interested in marriage insha'Allaah
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Alpha Dude
05-13-2011, 04:15 PM
Really, no need to wait for why he hasn't asked for engagement, just flat out give him a choice - either make it halal by proposing to your parents (straight away, not after x months/years) or to leave you. It would be hard, but it's the best way.
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Salahudeen
05-13-2011, 06:57 PM
Give him an ultimatum marriage or leave me alone
Reply

Hamza Asadullah
05-16-2011, 12:41 AM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
Salam guys
I joined this site to seek guidance and from a problem I'm having. I don't know where to start :/.

I met a guy whose a family friend at my sisters wedding.
We started talking on facebook and I guess we just clicked.
We've been together for almost a year and planning to get engaged when the time was right and he could afford it. All of this was going on without any family members knowing.
I'm aware what I was doing was haram, talking to a guy.
but our love just grew stronger..we couldn't last a day without talking to eachother.
My parents found out and were extremely upset. My dad Is a very strict guy and took very bad. They told me cut off all connections with him. So I did. I told him that my parents found out and we just had to stop because what were ddoing is haram. He was very dissapointed and upset but understood that we had to.
I stopped talking to him in the beginning of feburary. He's calling me occasionally but I don't pick up. It's very hard for us both. He recently sent me a message telling me how much he loves me and misses me and wants to see me.
The three months of not talking to him changed me. In a good way and bad. I now pray 5 times a day, have strong faith and always keep Allah in mind. But I just can't stop thinking of him. He's constantly on my mind..I don't want to continue talking to him behind my parents back tho..they don't diserve that.
I replied to his message telling him I just can't be with him like in a bf and gf way..
And that we just had to break things off.
He felt really upset and didn't reply.

I've been thinking tho...if he really loves me like he says he does why can't he just make our relationship halal by getting engaged?

I've been asking for Allahs guidance..prayed istakhara 2 times..and asking Allah "if he's good for me and good for my future let him be in it, if not make it easy for me to forget
about him and move on"

But still I'm constantly thinking about him and missing him.
Is this a sign or what?
I'm just confused and don't know what to do.

Salaam
Asalaamu Alaikum, Jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. I think you should thank Allah that by your parents finding out and you stopping all contact with him you are now closer to Allah and are fulfilling your obligations with regards to praying Salaah.

You realise now that any relations you had with him was a grave error on your behalf but now that Allah has given you guidance to go towards him you must think to yourself is this man really good for you in terms of deen? Is he practising? and will he help you in getting closer to Allah?

Just because you had relations with him it does not mean that he is good for you in terms of marriage. A lot of the time when couples have relations outside of marriage and then they get married, only then do they realise what a big mistake it was to marry such a person because in a relationship one is blind and one does not necesserily look at what is most important but one marrys them because one is "in love". But love is not enough to create a successful marriage. Ask any married person that. It takes much more than that to be happy in marriage.

As Muslims we must also consider whether the other peson is good for our deen. That should be our biggest criterion. Marriage is a big decision and just because you "fell in love" with someone ouside of marriage it certainly does not mean that they will be good for you in marriage. He has not even suggested getting engaged and is clearly wanting to cotninue relations outside of marriage. This in itself is certainly not a good sign. By you getting closer to Allah by cutting off contact with him may be a sign that he is not right for you.

What you should do in this matter is firstly remain NOT in contact with him and seriously consider whether or not he will be good for you in marriage. You should also make isthikhara a few times begging to Allah for guidance in this matter especially during tahajjud time in the latter part of the night.

Whatever happens after that will be what is best for you but you must never get back in touch with him unless it is through a mahram. If you feel that he is a suitable partner then you must tell him if he wants to do nikah immediatly or not because engagement is not marriage and it does not make it permissable for you to be in touch with him. Why get engaged when you can just do nikah. So ask him if he is willing to do nikah and if not then you got your answer. After that do not waste time but look for a good and pious partner in the right way and you will find Allah will bless you in your search and make things easy for you.

If you feel that he is not suitable for marriage then you have your answer. Whatever is best for you will happen but ALWAYS go about marriage in the right manner and you will find goodness there but go about it in the wrong way and you will find shaythan is third party in ALL of your interactions with him or any other man who is not your mahram.

This is also a sign for you to get closer to Allah so hesitate not and bring Islam FULLY into your life. Do not hold back but make the best of every second for time is too short and our death is near. NEVER be decieved into thinking we have another day on this earth for the time of our death is so uncertain.

Repent to Allah always and thank him abundantly. Do everything to please him and refrain from anything which angers or displeases him.

I pray whatever is best for you will happen. May Allah give you a good and pious partner. Ameen

And Allah knows best in all matters
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cat eyes
05-16-2011, 07:56 PM
believe me its better to stop all contact forever if u think your iman has increased now, if u start sinning again ur iman will become low again until your heart becomes black.
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Falastineya
05-18-2011, 05:53 AM
Thnx for the advice guys
I want to update on what happened.
So I prayed istakhara one last time asking to give me some guidance on whether he is right for me or not.
The next morning..surprisingly I got a new message from him (his last message was sent almost 2 months ago)
In the message he was asking how I was doing..and telling he can't stop thinking about us. He says he still wants this.
How should I reply..? We haven't talked in a while..
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Dagless
05-18-2011, 05:55 AM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
Thnx for the advice guys
I want to update on what happened.
So I prayed istakhara one last time asking to give me some guidance on whether he is right for me or not.
The next morning..surprisingly I got a new message from him (his last message was sent almost 2 months ago)
In the message he was asking how I was doing..and telling he can't stop thinking about us. He says he still wants this.
How should I reply..? We haven't talked in a while..
Almost everyone in this thread has advised to say that you're interested in marriage and if that's not what he wants to leave you alone. Why don't you reply with that? :D
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CosmicPathos
05-18-2011, 05:59 AM
seems he is playing around with you. He doesnt talk about marriage but "he wants to get back to how things were (once upon a time far way in a fairy land!)" You should simply block every contact with such a deceptive person.
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Falastineya
05-18-2011, 05:59 AM
I don't know what's stopping me from asking..I guess I'm afraid of him saying he doesnt want too
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CosmicPathos
05-18-2011, 06:01 AM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
I don't know what's stopping me from asking..I guess I'm afraid of him saying he doesnt want too
you are afraid of him saying that he doesnt want to marry you. But then you want him to say to you that he wants to marry you, even though you are are afraid he wont marry you. But then you miss him. hello?
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Falastineya
05-18-2011, 06:06 AM
Well how should I go about asking him?
Bluntly asking..Are you going to marry me, or WHAT?
Lol
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Alpha Dude
05-18-2011, 07:14 AM
Yes, I think you should ask him bluntly. Really sister, if you want to marry, just ASK. If he is not interested or gives and excuse, then you should leave.
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Hamza Asadullah
05-18-2011, 10:36 AM
Firstly you should only consider him for marriage if he will be good for you in terms of deen in that he is a practising Muslim who fulfills his obligations to Allah. If not then he is not even worth considering.

The fact you had any relations with him before marriage does not mean that he is right for you and certainly does not make it necessery for you to have to marry him for you are not bound in anyway in having to do so.

Think seriously about whether or not he will be good for your hereafter. That is more important that the fact you fell for him in a relationship before marriage which is not a factor in creating a successful marriage.
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Ansariyah
05-18-2011, 11:01 AM
If you are too shy to be blunt just say it indirectly, he'll get the point.

If he says no, thats going to hurt but its better than living with false hopes.

May Allah grant u strength to do this ameen.
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Cabdullahi
05-18-2011, 02:25 PM
get a megaphone and stand in front of the family home and shout I want to marry you
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tigerkhan
05-19-2011, 05:40 AM
i say do istakhara first.
if u got some positive, then reply him that if he want to be with u, then follow the halal way of nikkah
if he refuse or just no clear answer, leave Him
life is too short and there is much more in front of us, we have to prepare for qabar, hashar, qiyama, we dont destroy our life just for one person.
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Falastineya
05-24-2011, 05:42 AM
Salam guys!
I don't know where to start now..I've got another problem on my hands. :/
Well a family friend has asked for hand. He's a great guy, religious..very kind and overall a good muslim.
Idk what to do??? What should I do know :(
I told the guy I was in love with what happened.
I told him I can't just be a gf to you..I need to know where you want to take this.
He hasn't replied yet..
The guy whose a family friend of ours is coming to ask for my hand sometime this week.
I just don't know what to do..I'm afraid I'll have regrets in the future. :( :( :(
Time to do some more istakhara
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tigerkhan
05-24-2011, 09:20 AM
one person is good, religious and seeking ur hand by halal way and other just seems to have a pass-time with u, y are u going mad. things are clear, go ahead and be thankful to GOD.
miltay han naseebon say ya bahon kay saharay....(mean ppl are lucky who get good life partner)
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Dagless
05-24-2011, 09:50 AM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
Salam guys!
I don't know where to start now..I've got another problem on my hands. :/
Well a family friend has asked for hand. He's a great guy, religious..very kind and overall a good muslim.
Idk what to do??? What should I do know :(
I told the guy I was in love with what happened.
I told him I can't just be a gf to you..I need to know where you want to take this.
He hasn't replied yet..
The guy whose a family friend of ours is coming to ask for my hand sometime this week.
I just don't know what to do..I'm afraid I'll have regrets in the future. :( :( :(
Time to do some more istakhara
On the one hand things couldn't have gone any better. There's nothing like competition to get the love showing. On the other hand I question if you even love the first guy. People who are in love don't really consider another guy or say "I just don't know what to do". Just my 2p.
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Falastineya
05-24-2011, 01:04 PM
Thanks guys ..I'm still torn tho :(
He just replied..the message was two pages..he said that if I knew he had the money he would ask for my hand in a heart beat. He's broke tho..is that what you call a good excuse?
Why doesn't he just ask for my..we get engaged for a year..and by the time we do get married he'd already have money saved.
The part that kills me the most is him saying how much love he has for me..two pages of that!! :(
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Falastineya
05-24-2011, 01:06 PM
The part that kills me the most is him saying how much love he has for****
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Ğħαrєєвαħ
05-24-2011, 02:18 PM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
The part that kills me the most is him saying how much love he has for****
Assalaamu Alaaykum dear sister

I understand you have a difficult situation..

As far as i know 'love' in Islaam comes after the marriage and not before.. I dont understand exactly what love it is that you are speaking of in your posts? so the letters you said he sent you, doesnt seem to make anything clear, and so tell the brother if you cant yourself then ask your parents, but please do share this with your parents as they have the right to also..

Sis it seems you are interested in the brother, you need to explain to your parents about this brother and let them speak to him his family at the end of the day it is also you who will agree or disagree to the proposal you said you have just recieved also..But firstly you have to try not to get too attached to this other guy, because it will only make things harder for you, what if things do not go ahead? do you want to feel bad all your life? No ofcourse not..

Ask your parents that you are interested in the guy to speak to his parents and him, and then see where things go insha'Allaah..Also be patient and perform Ishtikarah salaah dear uktee.

You are in my Du'aas, i ask Allaah to guide you the best for you and also the best for you in this life and the hereafter Aameen
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tigerkhan
05-24-2011, 03:00 PM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
The part that kills me the most is him saying how much love he has for****
sister i honestly suggest u, dont be much impressed of this emotional behaviour which ppl have mostly in their teen. u know in love marriages every couple write books of poetry for the beauty of his/her beloved but there is high ratio of failure of such marriages. real world and practical life is something other and ppl do change very soon. repent to Allah SWT for all ur mistakes and seek allah swt help in this matter through istahara and dont bother ur life with this issue.
allah swt guide u the right.
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S.Belle
05-24-2011, 03:10 PM
Salam Alaykum sis

It is only natural that you would miss this guy after having talked to him for so long.
The only reason why he keeps coming into your mind is because you have not completely cut off contact with him.

He wrote you a 2 page letter saying that he loves you and he cant marry you bc he broke.... i dont mean to sound cold hearted but big deal anyone could have done that. I apologize if i hurt your feelings but it really isnt a big deal he is just speaking (or typing) words to you. It seems he has not done anything (as in actions) to prove that he loves you. If he loved you he would have gone to your parents and not the computer and try to explain to them his situation.
If he loved you he would have done this as soon as he heard about another man wanting to ask for your hand in marriage.

You dont seem to know what you want..
Lets look at this in a different perspective. This is a job interview and these men are working to gain your hand in marriage.
You have worker number one who is a a great writer. You have history with him and love him but he just seems to be all words and no action. He has not made his intention to marry clear to you or your parents.

While on the other hand worker number 2 has came to you and your parents with his intention. You dont have any history but he is like you say "a great guy who is religious". You dont love him but that doesnt mean that later on you want.

So which worker would you choose to gain your hand in marriage? Which one seems more reasonable?
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Hamza Asadullah
05-24-2011, 05:39 PM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
Salam guys!
I don't know where to start now..I've got another problem on my hands. :/
Well a family friend has asked for hand. He's a great guy, religious..very kind and overall a good muslim.
Idk what to do??? What should I do know :(
I told the guy I was in love with what happened.
I told him I can't just be a gf to you..I need to know where you want to take this.
He hasn't replied yet..
The guy whose a family friend of ours is coming to ask for my hand sometime this week.
I just don't know what to do..I'm afraid I'll have regrets in the future. :( :( :(
Time to do some more istakhara
:sl:

Sister deep down you know what the right thing is to do in such a situation. Allah has now shown you a good marriage potential so that you may stop doing haraam and do what is right. He has even blessed you with a good and pious man with a good character as a marriage potential.

He has since sent you a reply full of "sweet words" to continue to lure you in and soften your heart towards him. But surely if he was a man of substance rather than words and he was serious about marriage then he would have made every effort to marry you by now.

Sister an engagement is NOT permission for you to talk and interact with him. An engagement does not mean ANYTHING and is not marriage and therefore it is still haraam for an engaged couple to stay in touch and interact in anyway. So even if he agreed to get engaged to you then you would still be committing haraam until you actually do nikah.

On one hand you have a good and pious man with a good character and is willing to marry you straight away and on the other hand you have another guy who is not pious or practising and not even sure if he wants to marry you or not and is clearly leading you on and keeping hold of you by using deceptive words and by continuing to keep in touch with him you will continue to committ haraam and cause the anger and wrath of Allah.

So the choice is yours but i know deep down you know what is best. You have already shamed yourself and your parents by having a relationship outside marriage but at least now do the right thing by yourself and marry a pious man who will marry you straight away for if you reject him and continue to be with such a man then surely only you will be the loser in this world and the next.

And Allah knows best in all matters
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Alpha Dude
05-24-2011, 05:41 PM
The only thing that you can do is tell this guy to propose to your family. If your wali refuses him because of his financial situation, then you can move on. Don't get tangled up in love with him. It always gets messy.

If you marry this second guy, remove all thoughts and contacts you've ever had with the first guy. Don't even dwell on it. Forget him completely, feel guilty about it and ignore every single time he tries to contact you. It's not fair on the guy you marry.
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Falastineya
05-24-2011, 09:49 PM
thank you all..everyones advice here is helping me make a decision.
I know my relationship with the first guy was haraam..and I pray everyday for forgiveness from Allah. I regret getting Into this relationship because all the mess that comes with it is not worth it.
I've tried my best with him to let him know I'm not going to continue this haraam relationship, but to him..he thinks that's key to a good marriage which isn't. I'm not going to engage myself with him. Neither am I going to reply to his messages. I'm gonna cut all contact with him and better myself and future. I'm not going to let him lead me in a haraam path because honestly I'm over that. I've tried.. And if he really wanted me..he could have done better..atleast talk it out with my parents instead of keeping on the down low..to be honest..I don't know if it's because of the anger I have towards him..or if my istakhara has played itself out but I'm no longer feeling love towards him.
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Falastineya
05-24-2011, 09:54 PM
by the way I also thought of my family's opinions if I WERE to marry him. They wouldn't approve..and I'm on their side..my family opinions mean more to me.
Time to move on..inshallah Allah makes things more easy for me and forgives me for what I've done..everyday..I wish I can take back all the shame I've put on my parents. I won't ever let anyone like this take advantage of me again.
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Hamza Asadullah
05-24-2011, 10:12 PM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
by the way I also thought of my family's opinions if I WERE to marry him. They wouldn't approve..and I'm on their side..my family opinions mean more to me.
Time to move on..inshallah Allah makes things more easy for me and forgives me for what I've done..everyday..I wish I can take back all the shame I've put on my parents. I won't ever let anyone like this take advantage of me again.
:sl:

Sister you have learnt from your mistakes now. We learn from our mistakes not successes. What is done is done now and the past has made you into who you are today - A better person. So take lessons from the past so that you can do things better now and the future.

Do everything you can to make your parents the happiest, Serve them and be the best towards them. Marry someone they will also approve of as they only want the best for you.

You must change your contact details so that he never contacts you again. You must throw away anything he has given you or anything that reminds you of him.

Realise that your prayers have been answered regarding him and so you can now move on with your life a better person. Have a clear goal in your mind that your purpose in this life is ONLY to please Allah and to do everything to please him and NOTHING to anger or displease him.

Do everything you can to get closer to Allah. Time is not on our side. Death is near. There is no guarantee that we will live to see tomorrow let alone old age.

So thank Allah abundantly and make this a new and fresh start to your life where you can devote EVERY moment to Allah for he wan ts you close to him.

May Allah give you the best partner who will lead you towards Jannah and may he give you the best of this world and the hereafter. Ameen
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Falastineya
05-25-2011, 01:48 AM
Thank you brother..your advice means alot to me..and is also giving me confidence to move on and forget the passed. May Allah bless you in this world and the hearafter.
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Falastineya
06-05-2011, 01:42 AM
salaam everyone
Just like to update everyone on what happened.
I'm engaged :D
I prayed istikhara non stop..and accepted the proposal.
Thx for all the good advice from everybody..it really helped :)
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Cabdullahi
06-05-2011, 09:33 AM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
salaam everyone
Just like to update everyone on what happened.
I'm engaged :D
I prayed istikhara non stop..and accepted the proposal.
Thx for all the good advice from everybody..it really helped :)
I love it when a plan comes together

mabrook and mashaAllah
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sister herb
06-05-2011, 10:26 AM
Mabrook sister. By you name I think you are Palestinian?

I was before married with Palestinian but he martyred.

Snif

Now going to marry with Algerian.

:D
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tigerkhan
06-05-2011, 11:06 AM
congratulationssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss ssssssssssssssssssssssssss
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Haya emaan
06-05-2011, 03:37 PM
mabrook sister...
may Allah brings out best from it for you dear... :)
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Hamza Asadullah
06-06-2011, 02:39 AM
Originally Posted by Falastineya
salaam everyone
Just like to update everyone on what happened.
I'm engaged :D
I prayed istikhara non stop..and accepted the proposal.
Thx for all the good advice from everybody..it really helped :)
:sl:, Subhanallah. That is brilliant news sister. Allah had better plans for you all along. Use this as an opportunity to thank Allah abundantly and to strive to do everything to get closer to him and refrain from anything which angers or displeases him.

Please remember us in your dua's. May You have the happiest marriages and the best of this world and the hereafter. Ameen
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