Let us continue the healing.....

F

flowergarden

Esteemed Member
Messages
165
Reaction score
18
Gender
Female
Religion
Islam
Salaam Alakium,
Well my post has been closed and it was a good thing because it went off topic to my original post. It is sad to see the thread closed considering it was helping me allot.

Well let me go back to where I wanted it to go! Sometimes I feel like the past is hunting me, I feel like no matter what I do, all the good deeds I do, I will always fall short. It makes it hard for me to heal, it makes it hard for me to keep the faith going. Sometimes I feel like it is post traumatic stress, but sometimes I just feel like it is me, that I am being punished.

I am trying really hard in life. I just don't feel like I am completely happy. I am 22 years old and I find it weird that no one man has asked for my hand, well there was one but he wasn't for me. It makes me feel like I am not worthy. what makes it harder is my parents want me to finish college before I get married. To them they believe that I won't finish school if I get married. But to me I just don't feel like no man would want me, so many of you have helped me, but this feeling always lingers and it hurts. What hurts the most, is the fact that I always feel like a man will deserve better that me, that he deserve to be with someone better merely for my mistakes and past. I know the past is the past, but I can't forgive myself, I know today I am not the person I was in the past, but I just wish I wasn't like I am, so hard on myself! :heated:

sometimes I feel proud of myself that I took a horrible situation and made it something to heal others, rather you are a female or male. And of course I feel like the past made me who I am today.



so what nice advice and healing words would you like to share with me now? :)

For viewers who are reading this for the first time the back ground story is: " I am a female, educated women, I am starting Law school soon. When I was 14 I was a survivor of a rape, I thankfully fought until I broke free and I still am a virgin. However, since than I wasn't the same, I lost faith for a long time. When I was 18 I met a man, I cared for him, he made me believe he was going to marry me. after two years of a promise, he broke me mentally, manipulated me, and and I sinned, I don't want to do into details. Anyways after months he left me via text message. I was heart broken. He explained his family wants him to marry a Yemeni and not me anymore... I was hurt, devastated from what I did... I lost hope, and sadly lost faith... I fell into the hands of 3 men.... but it didn't lead to anything. I am still ashamed and have been since than. I have sincerely repented everyday. imsad.There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
Today, I am changed. I have repented. I learned to pray, I am in Law school, I am and always have been a sweet and kind heart girl, I don't hurt anyone even the people who hurt me. I cry every day because of my mistakes. Recently, I know a man who is asking for my hand whom I care dearly for... I know he was in a relationship before but it didn't work out.. I care so much about him, I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt him. I truly love him for the sake of Allah. But I am scared because I don't know if I am a bad girl for him?!

If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me? Would you forget the past and see I am sincere to my religion and love Allah so much and repent? I really need help healing, because everyday I wake up and sleep to this thought of him walking alway because of my hardship past... I am so scared I won't ever be happy! I am so scared I will never find a good muslim man to marry me... and most of all I want to marry him, he is the one I care for and see as the father of my children. I need help knowing I will be forgiven for my actions knowing I am remorseful to the point I am killing myself with regret and tears. IstarferAllah. <br><br>To add, I did sin but I remain a virgin. Help em know I am still a good Muslim women, help me see the truth! Please tell me if you knew me would you marry one like me or walk away?"
 
Last edited:
:sl:

First to post in the new thread. Go, me!

Let's try it again:

I am 35 and have never been close to being married. I've never even had a girlfriend. My longest "relationship" lasted 2 months and it was full of more drama than I ever wanted. Being still single at 22 is nothing. I wish I was still 22 and knew everything that I know now. I have learned so much about myself just in the last year or so.

To answer your question (which I'm not sure that I ever did in the other thread) yes, I would marry you in this situation. The past is the past. It has no bearing on today. It means nothing today. I know all about not feeling worthy. Even now I do not feel worthy of any woman, Muslim or not. I need to become a better man. That much is clear to me now. I learned this week that I still have a long way to go before I can be the kind of man that I am supposed to be.

It is a process that takes time. It won't happen overnight. This is something that you have to understand. I know that you want an instant fix, but that is not realistic. I have had to learn that for myself. I will not change overnight, and neither will you. It's a lifelong process.

Anyway, if this guy really cares about you, then he won't care about your past. If he does, then he's not the kind of guy that you really want or need.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
One person bringing the thread down? I'm sorry but this is a public forum where all are welcome to voice their opinion, if you do not like their opinion, or you disagree with their opinion, then that doesn't mean they're "jack asses" or they're bringing the spirit down, part of being an adult is learning that people will disagree with your opinion and how a person handles that difference of opinion says a lot about their character.

It's part and parcel of life that people will disagree with you, that doesn't mean they're bad people or they're view is incorrect or your view is wrong, it just means we're all individuals who have opinions based upon the experiences we've been through in life and we should learn to respect each other despite our difference of opinions and not jump on each other and call each other names.

If you can not take the fact that people will disagree with you then you should not engage in discussion with them in the first place and just ignore their posts.

And may I remind all that we are brothers and sisters, and we should be soft with one another. I think it's highly unfair to jump on a person because he has differing views, you will never bring a person round to your view if you are harsh/disrespectful with them.

And in case you're wondering why I'm butting in, well, I was also accused of "bringing the spirit down" at school when I disagreed with my friends about smoking, I was also called a "jack ass" when I disagreed with them about womanising, now this was when I was in school and I was disagreeing with 15-16 year olds, so perhaps we show our maturity on this forum and demonstrate that we can disagree with people respectfully.


And I remind myself of the above first and foremost.
 
Last edited:
First is first, Salaam Alakium Salahudeen.

Second I respect everyone's opinion, but when someone is asking for help, why change the subject to your want and be selfish?
Let me make on thing clear, I am NOT here to ague and when I posted that thread I stickily made it for people to HELP me!!! Not for anyone to talk about women and their duties in the kitchen.
 
Last edited:
greetings and peace be with you flowergarden;
I know the past is the past, but I can't forgive myself,
Click to expand...

None of us will ever achieve salvation by our own efforts, rather we depend on the mercy and forgiveness of Allah. Somehow we have to trust that Allah can forigive us, and if Allah forgives, then we should also strive to accept his mercy and allow ourselves to be forgiven.

If you pray for the man who tried to rape you, if you strive to find it in your heart that you can forgive him all the hurt he has caused you, then you might start a healing process.

You are in my prayers,

Every blessing be with you.

Eric
 
Hi Eric,

thank you for your reply!!

Actually I have forgiven the man who rape me, it was brutal and I wake up remembering something else everyday, but I also see that had I not been raped I don't think I would be the person I am today.

I just can't forgive myself for the mistakes I made because I choose not to go into colunsoling and become vulnerable and made mistakes! imsad
 
Salam Alaikkum

Sister Flowergarden, we are by your side and Allah is Most Just. He would punish such people who let you down if they don't repent. People who are proud and thinks they are 'something', they are not helping at all but Allah will close their eyes and ears, they call it misguided.

Let's try to focus on your problem and block who responds far from the thread's subject. Many people are willing to help you here, just ignore those you think are nothing but pain.
 
Sister your previous thread was closed for a reason, through no fault of your own.

5 hours after you posted , I see you spent quite a long time replying to someone who did not agree to you.

So you see where i am coming from, it will start all over again, and will make you feeling more crap

Answer to your question, YES i would marry someone that has been through your position ,khalas
 
LOL noorseeker, exactly why at the end I wrote it should be close...

I wrote a big response because I got fed up! And another thing, I don't care if you don't agree with me, but what did I write on the previous post for anyone to not agree with?! I was seeking advice. But those peolple changed the subject to something that didn't matter! I'm sure you'd feel the same way if it were your post. But jazakallah khair!

Jazak Allah Khair...

Thank you too dear sister Riana! You're right.
 
;D
I know I need to clear my self up so no one got hurt or thought it was directed to them hehe
 
Well Inshallah i hope it all goes for you well.

and you find a good husband , they are around, you just got look for em ;D
 
One lesson that I have learned in life.

When people give us negative comment, they say it loudly and long. In example, if we are failed in an attempt, some people tell us loudly "That's what I have said !! you would be fail !! because you could never do anything properly !! you are..blah..blah..blah..!!!".

But when other people give us constructive advice they say it in sound that almost like a whisper and usually short. In example "It's OK, you were failed today, but you can do better next time".

Unfortunately, when we hear the negative comment and the constructive advice simultaneously, many of use focus on the negative comment and forget the constructive advice. But this is something that can be understood, because the words that loud and long are more audible than short whisper.

Focus on negative comment and forget the constructive advice will makes us regard ourselves as 'low person', and later we will lose our motivation to do better. Different than if we focus on constructive advice and ignore the negative comment. This will revive our spirit to do our best, and InshaAllah, we will get the better future.

Sister Flowergarden, I know you have heard some or maybe many negative comments about you. But I am sure, you also have heard some constructive advices that aimed at you. My question, will you focus on negative comments and let yourself 'going down', or you will focus on constructive advices that will revive your spirit ?.


I am waiting for an answer from my strong and brave sister. :)
 
Salahudeen said:
One person bringing the thread down? I'm sorry but this is a public forum where all are welcome to voice their opinion, if you do not like their opinion, or you disagree with their opinion, then that doesn't mean they're "jack asses" or they're bringing the spirit down, part of being an adult is learning that people will disagree with your opinion and how a person handles that difference of opinion says a lot about their character.

It's part and parcel of life that people will disagree with you, that doesn't mean they're bad people or they're view is incorrect or your view is wrong, it just means we're all individuals who have opinions based upon the experiences we've been through in life and we should learn to respect each other despite our difference of opinions and not jump on each other and call each other names.

If you can not take the fact that people will disagree with you then you should not engage in discussion with them in the first place and just ignore their posts.

And may I remind all that we are brothers and sisters, and we should be soft with one another. I think it's highly unfair to jump on a person because he has differing views, you will never bring a person round to your view if you are harsh/disrespectful with them.

And in case you're wondering why I'm butting in, well, I was also accused of "bringing the spirit down" at school when I disagreed with my friends about smoking, I was also called a "jack ass" when I disagreed with them about womanising, now this was when I was in school and I was disagreeing with 15-16 year olds, so perhaps we show our maturity on this forum and demonstrate that we can disagree with people respectfully.


And I remind myself of the above first and foremost.
Click to expand...

:sl:

Brother, you're one of my favorite people here. I just want you to know that.

I used to be a huge jackass. I was the biggest jerk I could be to anyone everyone. I thought it made me "cooler" to be "that guy". I developed a reputation as the guy who was a total dick to everyone and who hated everything. I fed off of that. That anger was what kept me going. In some ways it still does, but I try not to be as much of a jackass anymore.

My friends have noticed the change and have even remarked at times that "they want the old me back." The me who used to drink, smoke, and was angry about everything. I had a rant for everything, about why something sucked, about why this person was an idiot, etc.

About a month, I found some old sound files on my computer that I had forgotten about. I listened to them and I remembered that night. I was really drunk one night long ago and went off on Muslims and Islam. I said some really angry and hurtful things. Of course my friends all thought I was being really hilarious and told me so. I feel ashamed of that whenever I think about it.

I contemplated deleting those files, but I kept them, as a reminder of who I once was and of who I don't want to be anymore.

So now I'm just the Angry White Guy on here, without the alcohol. Aren't you guys lucky? ;D

Just to keep it on topic, this is for sister flowergarden. You'll be fine, dear. You have more strength than you realize.
 
ardianto said:
One lesson that I have learned in life.

When people give us negative comment, they say it loudly and long. In example, if we are failed in an attempt, some people tell us loudly "That's what I have said !! you would be fail !! because you could never do anything properly !! you are..blah..blah..blah..!!!".

But when other people give us constructive advice they say it in sound that almost like a whisper and usually short. In example "It's OK, you were failed today, but you can do better next time".

Unfortunately, when we hear the negative comment and the constructive advice simultaneously, many of use focus on the negative comment and forget the constructive advice. But this is something that can be understood, because the words that loud and long are more audible than short whisper.

Focus on negative comment and forget the constructive advice will makes us regard ourselves as 'low person', and later we will lose our motivation to do better. Different than if we focus on constructive advice and ignore the negative comment. This will revive our spirit to do our best, and InshaAllah, we will get the better future.

Sister Flowergarden, I know you have heard some or maybe many negative comments about you. But I am sure, you also have heard some constructive advices that aimed at you. My question, will you focus on negative comments and let yourself 'going down', or you will focus on constructive advices that will revive your spirit ?.


I am waiting for an answer from my strong and brave sister. :)
Click to expand...

Salam Alaikkum

Subhanallah you are truly gifted
You can shut any argument with your disposition

Mashallah its so rare to see people who stand with the right thing 'properly'. Allah bless you Brother, Allah bless you

I would vote for you as Moderator, Administrator of this forum, I do not like to embarass you with all these compliments, but you just deserve and I cnt help but tell that I need to remember people like you and learn alot from you, inshallah,

you are in my Duaa, you, your wife and your family,
 
Last edited:
:sl:

You have already committed the sins and you have no choice but to accept the past. Allaah is Most-Forgiving and Merciful and you have repented for your sins. You don't have to tell your husband of your sin. You can get through this as there are many people who are in worse situations and managed to pull through. Actually, you are very lucky that Allaah has guided you back to Islaam and that you have education, food, water, shelter, etc. with every harship there is ease.
 
flowergarden said:
First is first, Salaam Alakium Salahudeen.

Second I respect everyone's opinion, but when someone is asking for help, why change the subject to your want and be selfish?
Let me make on thing clear, I am NOT here to ague and when I posted that thread I stickily made it for people to HELP me!!! Not for anyone to talk about women and their duties in the kitchen. Now mr.salahudeen, I am a law student, I have to hear others opinions all the time and I love it... BUT when someone comes in to a thread that I wrote for only the subject matter of helping me to heal because I am going through alot, how dare you tell me I don't have the right to say someone brought the spirt down... think about it clearly brother. It went from everyone getting along, to cooking (which was fine), Than it went to women being in the kitchen, at first I was fine with it, but when I am asking brothers and sisters a question to help me because I didn't know where to go and I only got 3 responses to the help and the rest was about women going in the kitchen than how do you think I felt?! Yes I felt the sprite went down, because everyone was now talking about something and ignoring the reality of the question!

I did ignore their post, but when I ask someone to please stop posting as their post are always offensive not only to me but to others than I have the right to say somehthing... But than agian it was my story, my account and I don't need any more drama in this life. I came here to seek peace of mind not any one to tell me what to think, believe,






Sir, you don;t know me, you do not know my charter, and you do not know my personality. You do not know they fact that I always have to disagree with someone BUT when I came to a forum for help to seek guidance and I get someone out of nowhere starting fights than of course it is bring the sprite down. I made this NEW forum so I can get NEW NICE stories of motivation and kind words!


Please stop assuming I think people on the thread were bad, I never said that!! I merely said their words in previous post were hurtful and they were deleted by the moderators. so it was not only me who thought it was irreverent to bring about such sour subjects in a beautifully advice filling thread.




Me being harsh? I had people posting "ewww you were raped?" I had people saying your not muslim I had one person message me I was a bad girl and not a muslim. You have no clue what I have been through sir, I came on this site to seek guidance not fight about if a women should be in the kitchen or what her "job" is. I cam on here so when I get a break from my studies than I can come here and have guidance.
ANd you sir are the reason I have decided to leave this site because I have lost faith in getting any more help. I thought for the first 2 week it was perfect than I had hateful messages, and I had people making women oppressed on a thread that was about a women who was raped and made mistakes.


I never call any one a such a profane word, I don't use that language, and I don't mind people disagree with me, but when it is on an appropriate thread. If someone wrote on the older post I don't think you deserve a marriage blah blah blah- yeah it would hurt but I would accept their opinion and NOT fight them... but it geared to a wrong and irrelevant subject and I have every right to stop it! end of story

I understand you sir, but you have to understand me when I don't want to come on here having people call me names, say "Well done to you on being an 'independent WORKING WOMEN', do you want a medal? " I worked so hard to get where I am, and I don't need any one telling me I am bad because I made a few mistakes, because I was raped, I don't need anyone to make me out to be a immature women because I don't need to hear a man wanting a women who caters him on my thread that I strictly wanted about motivation, healing, advice, and etc....

Now I can tell you the same thing, Sister Aisha wrote that would not be tolerated so why do you come on here and tell me all this.

I did not disagree with anyone until I got harassed. I didn't care about what any person thought about women until they oppressed them... so please don't bring this subject out anymore.

I thank you for your reply, but I do not praise you for you assuming what my charter is or knowing me in the merest. I don't need a lecture on listening to other opinion as I do know how to and love to, I thank you much for the reminder kind sir, but again, but when one person say rude and mean things to me and if you knew what they were than you can tell me, but until your in my shoes I don't see a point!

I made a new thread to get more help only to get the same thing!
You don't see how this is haraam do you, you didn't say anything to me that I didn't already know, nor that healed me, you assumed who I was.. so much for"let's continue the healing"

I respect you, but please don't start anything, I just am asking for something simple. I am sure your a nice man and intentions are fine, but I didn't say anything wrong... ma'salaam!
Jazak Allah Khair.
I believe this thread should be closed!
Click to expand...

It seems you completely missed the point of my post and went off on a defensive tanget, i'm not sure why, please don't take my post as an attack against you or your charachter. Some words of my post wern't related to you and had nothing to do with you, but you took all my post as referring to you when it wasn't, some parts were a general reminder for everyone including myself.
 
Greetings and peace be with you flowergarde;

flowergarden said:
Hi Eric,

thank you for your reply!!

Actually I have forgiven the man who rape me, it was brutal and I wake up remembering something else everyday, but I also see that had I not been raped I don't think I would be the person I am today.

I just can't forgive myself for the mistakes I made because I choose not to go into colunsoling and become vulnerable and made mistakes! imsad
Click to expand...

if you have forgiven the man who tried to rape you, then you will also come to terms with forgiving yourself, we are often harder on ourselves than we are on others.

Healing is a slow process always one day at a time, we pray for the peace, serenity and strength to get through this day and every day, always one day at a time knowing that our God holds us in the palm of his hand.

Our God wants us to achieve salvation, he will not place a burden on any of us that we cannot carry. The more you trust this to be true, the more you will be healed.

In many towns there are help groups for women who have suffered in the same kind of way as you have. You may find forums for victims of attempted rape on the internet. Maybe you are in a position to help others who have suffered, when you strive to help others you also help to heal yourself.

Blessings

Eric
 

Similar Threads

Back
Top