American Baby: 9 Lessons from Converting to Islam

[Signor]

American Baby: 9 Lessons from Converting to Islam

1. It Gets Easier
The beginning is always the hardest. You've found the truth, fulfillment, and a sense of peace you never imagined possible. A handful of people can't wait to share Islam with their families, but for most of us, breaking the news to parents, grandparents, relatives, and sometimes kids, brings a sense of dread.

This sense of dread has been even more heightened since the September 11, 2001 terror attacks. Many people perceive being a Muslim as the antithesis of being an American, even though Islam teaches us to uphold religious freedom. To most people Islamic practice embodies the opposite of American values and lifestyles. Family members may be shocked or even mildly okay at first, but after it has sunk in, they may be angry, devastated, or cut themselves off from you. You may never again experience the kind of emotional hurts that you will when you first tell your family that you've accepted Islam. The reality is they are hurting too, and their hurts are justified in their minds, even if they aren't in yours.

In the beginning many family members will act their worst, making threats and saying hurtful things, but the more you stay calm and continue to be yourself despite your new faith, the more they will cool down and eventually realize they overreacted. Some people may continue to cut you off, but even those hurts will heal as so many more people continue to love and accept you. Hang in there, it does get better.

2. No matter how much you explain, they still may not get it
Sometimes we think that if we just explained to our family members what Islam is and why its right or why it doesn't oppress women and why it isn't about terrorism, our family members will suddenly have a light bulb moment and say “You know what, that does make perfect sense! I'm not upset anymore!” Don't be surprised if it seems to go through one ear and out the other. The truth is they are hearing what you're saying and cataloging it, but they are too emotional to focus on it right now.
Over time you will begin to have thoughtful, rational conversations with family and friends, but it's not something that's going to happen right away in many cases. Even if your family doesn't have a problem with Islam, or Muslims, they have a problem with you becoming one. You were as American as apple pie; they watched you unwrap Christmas presents under the tree every year, and dreamed of your white wedding. There is a sense of loss that they are trying to cope with.
Don't expect to rationalize with them much at first (unless they ask questions—and even then, don't expect too much) and don't be disheartened.

3. Goodness isn't just about religion
You will find that some of the best people you know are still people of other faiths, and by “best people” I mean people who are ethical, caring, and altruistic; people who are civil and well-mannered. You will find that some Muslims act as third-world and corrupt as the dictators that preside over their homelands.
Do not assume that all Muslims will be exemplary human beings (and the organizations that many of them run are even worse). Expect to be gravely disappointed in the way many mosques are run and how unkempt they are, in how rude and ill-mannered some of your brothers and sisters in faith are, and at how dysfunctional Islamic schools and their students seem to be.
Be ready to feel a pang of disappointment when you find Thanksgiving with your family was more pleasant than iftar at the masjid with your brothers and sisters in faith. Don't, however, let this disenchant you from the dīn or become harsh with them. As an American you have been privileged to grow up in a First World country and raised on its high standards. No one chooses the family and country into which they were born. Hone in on your strengths as an American and what positive things you can bring to the community, rather than letting it make you arrogant.

4. Be merciful
Converts are surrounded on all sides by frustrating experiences. They have to deal with ignorance and intolerance from other faith based family and friends, and often have to deal with the same thing from the Muslim community. Add a few bad relationships or failed love stories in and you have a recipe for some serious bitterness.

In extremely rare cases, you have American converts who are willing to kill other Americans in terrorist acts (wrongfully under the banner of the religion they claim to represent), as if they weren't previously of another faith themselves (and a potential victim for such crimes) not too long ago. Many times we get blind-sided by our negative emotions: fear, disappointment, anger, resentment, etc. We become intolerant of the shortcomings we see in others that we don't find in ourselves. As converts we are in a unique position of having a blended identity that gives us different perspectives, but whatever shortcomings we see in others we should remember that we have our own as well.
The Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam truly had no shortcomings, and his trademark in dealing with ignorance was mercy. Instead of looking at others with distaste and judging them, we should feel sorry for them if they really have a problem and resolve to be good friends and a positive influences. At no point should any person look at us, Muslim or not, and get the impression that we have our noses in the air. We should focus on keeping a soft heart towards everyone, because the real enemies of Islam are few and far between (though they may get the most traction) and we should always maintain a soft heart towards our Muslim brothers and sisters.

5. Being a Muslim is awesome, becoming a minority is difficult
Welcome to a world you may have never experienced before, the world of “the other.” This is the place of those who don't hold an “entitlement” card by virtue of their birth, a world of strange looks and racial slurs. This can be hard to grapple with initially since some of us were never raised to deal with it. When you wear hijab you may notice that people aren't as friendly to you as they once were; you see the change in demeanor that is provoked by your religious identity. It isn't fair, and being raised on American values that preach fairness and equality but never having really experienced racism yourself, you are in for a frustrating experience.
You will see the latent hypocrisy that exists in many aspects of our society, you will have a perfect image of our great nation shattered, you will experience double standards and security checks and anti-Muslim bigotry, but take heart in the fact that you will also experience the greatness of the human spirit and the American people. You will see that for every negative experience you have, you will have many more positive ones. You will meet people who go out of their way to compliment you on your hijab, people will politely ask you questions and make it a point to tell you how much they respect what you're doing. You will find that most people strive toward fairness, justice, and morality. The bumps in the road are just going to make the smoother patches seem all the more smooth. Don't focus on the negative or take it personally, just enjoy the positive.

6. Don't be a groupie
Never subscribe to any single imām, scholar, or organization as the ultimate authority and source of knowledge, and stay away from people who tell you to do so. There are kooks and cults within the Muslim community, and your innocent, convert face makes you a perfect follower. This isn't to say that most people are going to ask you to drink poisoned Kool-Aid at the next halaqah or join a terrorist cell at the mosque, but every Muslim follows some sort of “flavor” of Islam that they believe is right, and most haven't been exposed academically to other ideas and materials.
Even within conservative Islam, there are varying opinions on many subjects, and the best scholars and imams are those who acknowledge those differences respectfully. Be wary of imams and scholars who are quick to put down others, who insult, and who promote their teachings and opinions as “correct” with a disdain for those who are “incorrect.” What most people don't realize is that these types of people are everywhere, not just in the Salafi community. They are Ṣūfis, Ḥanafis, and Progressives too. Every sect within Islam has its extremists. Stay away from all of them.
Also, keep in mind that if you have a question you want answered, talk to a shaykh or imām who understands your particular scenario, preferably one who has a great deal of experience with American issues and converts. Avoid “Shaykh Google” if you can. A good rule of thumb is to seek religious advice or rulings only from someone who is very familiar with your society and circumstances.

7. You are the trophy Muslim (I know, it's annoying)
“How long have you been Muslim? How did you convert?” These are two questions you are going to hear for the rest of your life, so have the edited monologue ready. Every time people ask you these questions, their eyes light up. They want you to move them and give them their daily īmān-boost with your magical story, and suddenly you feel some pressure to perform. You don't have to.
While I encourage you to be polite, understand that you aren't putting on a show to make others else feel good about themselves or Islam. Keep it short and simple. Other people will patronize you in the beginning when they hear you've been Muslim for a few years, and may ask you basic questions, assuming you know nothing. They are well intentioned, but have a response ready, that is polite but also ends the conversation. You don't have to stand there and smile and endure this time and again. Be nice but brief, and know that you don't have to share any details of your life or conversion that you don't want to.

8. Be careful of whom you marry
There are plenty of examples of successful interracial and intercultural marriages, and most converts will marry someone who is not of the same ethnic background. However, I will say this: you are more American than you probably realize, and even if a man or woman has been living in this country for decades, if they grew up in a Muslim country, you are going to have some major differences in terms of expectations, mannerisms, and how you think and process things.
While racism is completely prohibited in Islam, a person who marries a Muslim from another country will face challenges directly related race and/or culture. If you're a woman, you may be especially vulnerable to being put in a position where you are expected to sacrifice aspects of your identity, especially because you are the one coming from a non-Muslim background. This is not to say that this is always the case, but it is a common problem that converts face when marrying, so it's something to keep in mind.

9. You're still American, and that's who you'll always be
American policies are at a low when it comes to how this country treats Muslims both at home and abroad, and unfortunately anti-Muslim bigotry is shockingly rampant. Many Muslims around the world view America as an enemy, and if we're honest with ourselves, they have valid reasons to do so. President Obama's drone strikes in Pakistan, our country's blind support of Israel, and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan haven't done the American image any favors. All of this anti-American sentiment can make an American Muslim feel guilty for being an American, but don't let it.
You are an American. You are not a drone program or a war or a policy. You are not anti-Muslim bigotry or Guantanamo Bay. You are a person who was born in a country that has so much more positivity going for it than it does negativity, a country that has provided you with an experience that has made you into the person you are today: the person who chose Islam as their faith. You may be outspoken, educated, independent, proactive, charismatic, caring, brave, and filled with dreams that you are determined to make come true for the better of the Muslim community and the world. You didn't become all that the day you became a Muslim, you became all that the years you were raised as a can-do American.
Don't let anyone else tell you what it means to be a true American, or a real patriot. Don't let anyone make you feel that as a Muslim you are less entitled to being the person you have been your entire life. You have the unique opportunity to redefine American, so get out there and do it.

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[Aprender]

About how long does it take for it to get easier? I've been waiting for it to get better for a few years now but it's just been getting worse, harder and even more stressful and lonely. The loneliness is hard.

I also keep coming across Muslims who view being more religious as sort of a "backwards" thing to do...

[MustafaMc]

Assalamu alaikum, jazak Allaju khayran for sharing your thoughts.

1. It Gets Easier

Yes. after a point it gets easier to practice Islam, but it is not easy being an American convert to Islam. Becoming a Muslim does not come instantly with taking the shahadah, but rather it is a journey that is better taken slow and steady than fast and furious. Resist the pressure to adopt a 'Muslim' name and 'Islamic' clothing.

2. No matter how much you explain, they still may not get it

Having found the truth of Islam onemay feel a need to share this with non-Muslim family, friends and co-workers and to try to convince them to join you on your faith journey. I believe it is good to share the fact of your conversion to Islam, but to avoid debates. Some may ask questions that reflect negative Western stereotypes about Muslims and Islam that is better to sidestep as much as possible, particularly those about Muslims being terrorists.

3. Goodness isn't just about religion

One should not become discouraged when he finds that Muslims he comes into contact aren't as pious as he thinks they should be and that his Christian family and friends in contrast seem to be closer to his ideal of 'goodness'. We should not base the veracity of a religion by those who practice it. The basic truth or falsehood of one's religion should be the criteria for adherence.

4. Be merciful

Being kind and caring to one's family is a very important principle in Islam. Non-Muslim family and friends will likely feel hurt and betrayed when they learn you have accepted Islam and turned away from Christianity or a worldly lifestyle. Always be respectful to one's parents while at the same time look for opportunities to share the truth of Islam.

5. Being a Muslim is awesome, becoming a minority is difficult

eing an American convert to Islam is difficult in that one is no longer this or not yet that. We are perpetually in a never-never-land where we no longer fully 'fit in' anywhere. Our religious views are similar, but at the same time quite different from most Americans. There is much about Islam to learn and born Muslims may not fully accept a convert who is less knowledgeable or not practicing Islam as fully. After becoming a Muslim, an American may be exposed to alternative political and world views for the first time and this may lead him to start seeing world events from a different perspective. However, at the same time one is still an American albeit potentially a more enlightened one than most.

6. Don't be a groupie

Finding a balance between the legal/ritual (e.g. Salafi) and the spiritual/inner dimension (Sufi) of Islam is essential. The extremes of these two can be likened to that of the Jewish Pharisees in Jesus' time and Pauline Christianity. It is the balance between works and faith. It is best to avoid the extremes, particularly those who espouse violence and intolerance of others.

7. You are the trophy Muslim (I know, it's annoying)

I suggest that a new convert come to a brief account of how he came to Islam and to not go into a lot of personal details. Don't let other make you feel inferior due to a lack of knowledge or incomplete practice of Islam. There is much to learn and it is better to stay the course than to leave Islam.

8. Be careful of whom you marry

A convert Muslim man should not marry anyone except a practicing Muslimah. It is best not to marry a Christian or Jew even though it is allowed.

9. You're still American, and that's who you'll always be
Don't let anyone else tell you what it means to be a true American, or a real patriot.

Yes, we are still Americans, but having been freed from the falsehood of our previous religious beliefs or lack thereof, we should also be freed from blind allegiance to typical American worldview and international policies. We have a responsibility come to an understanding that all that we are told by the mainstream media and by our government is not necessarily fully true. This includes recent history such as 9/11 and so-called justification for wars against Afghanistan and Iraq.

[MustafaMc]

About how long does it take for it to get easier? I've been waiting for it to get better for a few years now but it's just been getting worse, harder and even more stressful and lonely. The loneliness is hard.

Yes, I agree that this is a difficult aspect of converting to Islam.

And why do I seem to keep meeting so many Muslims who hate Islam?

I have never met a single Muslim who hates Islam. Where are you coming from with this statement?

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[Aprender]

I have never met a single Muslim who hates Islam. Where are you coming from with this statement?

I wrote that in haste. Let me rephrase this so it makes sense and edit the initial post. More so people who are secular. Don't really want much to do with Islam but they're Muslims. Or consider themselves cultural Muslims but not religious? I'm not sure what exactly to call that or how to phrase it. But it seems the more religious you try to be the more they kind of get turned off from wanting to be around you for being "too" Muslim. Like it's a problem and seen as a backwards thing to do. That's what I mean. I'm really not sure how to explain it more clearly but I have come across more like this recently.

[tearose]

As-salaamu 3laikum, Wow, there are a lot of ideas being brought up in this thread. I have to say, though, in the original article there seems to be a basic value judgement about America which creeps into almost every paragraph and is very off-putting.

You will find that some of the best people you know are still people of other faiths

I think when we revert to Islam we have to re-evaluate our understanding of what is 'good'; someone may be kind, caring etc which is nice but doesn't mean much if they are not doing it for the sake of Allah.

You will find that some Muslims act as third-world

What does it mean to 'act third-world'?

Expect to be gravely disappointed in the way many mosques are run and how unkempt they are, in how rude and ill-mannered some of your brothers and sisters in faith are, and at how dysfunctional Islamic schools and their students seem to be.
Be ready to feel a pang of disappointment when you find Thanksgiving with your family was more pleasant than iftar at the masjid with your brothers and sisters

Charming! I am not saying there are no Muslims who are rude and no problems in any masjids or schools, but why set out to negatively prejudice people from the start? At the risk of becoming tiresome in my repetition of the same point on these boards, I have been part of a few different Muslim communities and have had very few problems in any masjids or schools.

Other people will patronize you in the beginning when they hear you've been Muslim for a few years

Not necessarily. By the way, I am not trying to criticize Americans by what I have said, I just think the tone of the article is wrong.

[tearose]

Resist the pressure to adopt a 'Muslim' name and 'Islamic' clothing

As-salaamu 3laikum. If people are facing unwanted pressure, that is wrong, but it is a good thing to change your name if your original name does not have a good meaning, and a good thing to start wearing Islamic clothing. In my case, I liked the feeling of having a new identity, although in the case of clothing I did take it step by step.

We are perpetually in a never-never-land where we no longer fully 'fit in' anywhere

It is interesting that you say this as I have heard a few other reverts say similar things but haven't really experienced this myself. I had the feeling to a limited extent when I lived in a Muslim country where I didn't speak much of the language and had just converted. I felt it was really important to be part of the community. But then I realised that that isn't why I am a Muslim, and that everyone's experience is different. I have never really felt that I 'fit in', even with people in almost the exact same situation. Perhaps that's why I don't think about it much now. It depends how you define 'fitting in' does it mean being just like the others, or just being able to get along, despite the differences? If it is the former, I think that is much rarer than people assume. If it is about being accepted, again I think it is rare for anyone to be accepted 100 percent, there are almost always little sticking points between people, no matter how similar, that they can never fully accept. The difference is how they handle it and try to get on together.

Finding a balance between the legal/ritual (e.g. Salafi) and the spiritual/inner dimension (Sufi) of Islam is essential. The extremes of these two can be likened to that of the Jewish Pharisees in Jesus' time and Pauline Christianity. It is the balance between works and faith.

I feel you have improperly characterised this distinction. Firstly, Muslim groups cannot be compared to Jewish/Christian ones. Secondly, I don't think it is true to say that the difference between the Salafi and Sufi tendencies is about works and faith. I think all mainstream Sufis and Salafis would affirm that it is essential both to have faith and to do all of the obligatory deeds such as prayer, fasting zakat etc. From what I have seen, the main point is that Sufis put a high priority on purification of the heart whereas Salafis are always concerned about making sure everything they do is based on the Qur'an and Sunnah. The point about avoiding extremes in groups is very essential, but I don't think the comparisons you made are accurate.

[tearose]

But it seems the more religious you try to be the more they kind of get turned off from wanting to be around you for being "too" Muslim. Like it's a problem and seen as a backwards thing to do. That's what I mean. I'm really not sure how to explain it more clearly but I have come across more like this recently.

As-salaamu 3laikum, sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. Of course I don't know your situation but with people like this it may be best to try and start a good relationship with them first without mentioning too many issues where there are differences. It can be better at first to emphasize the similarities between Muslims rather than the differences, then when some trust has been built up, maybe you can discuss those things from time to time and in sha Allah it will seem more attractive to them to practice more aspects of Islam correctly. At the same time it is important to find some pious sisters with whom you have more in common in sha Allah, but it seems like maybe you haven't found that in your area. Have you tried going a bit further afield? If so, please just ignore my advice

[faithandpeace]

Assalamu alaikum. I felt the article had good points. I have been Muslim for six months and I do feel there are a lot of challenges which are more social challenges than religious ones. Salat, Zakat, Sawm, Islamic studies, etc. do not seem to be extremely difficult although they take some work and patience. It is the social issues involved with being Muslim that are the real challenges I feel and I can identify with a lot of what is said here. Simply informing my non-Muslim friends that I had converted Islam rather rapidly resulted in a good portion of them leaving me and I know I did nothing wrong. Further, even though I do not yet wear hijab daily I have worn it regularly enough (such as when I go to masjid or elsewhere in the Islamic community) that I have been subject to harassment and hostility from neighbors obviously as a result in my change of dress. Then I have been a victim twice of vandalism which while I don't know for sure the motive seems clearly to be anti-Muslim hate crimes.

So in the non-Muslim mainstream American societal context, it is difficult. People look at you funny when they see your hijab and non-Western dress style. I haven't even had to face my co-workers with this yet which is something that I am sure is not going to go over well. If people think that the above article and comments regarding American culture are negative, it is important to understand why. American culture by and large is not conducive to living a God-conscious life as a Muslim. Virtually everything promoted from dress styles to dietary choices to pop culture to corporate culture is absolutely haram for a Muslim. So it doesn't make it easy for a new convert. Simple things such as not drinking alcohol already serve to ostracize Muslims from a very large portion of social environments.

Within the Islamic community, I can identify with those here who had concerns over secularist and cultural "Muslims" at the masjid who look down on Muslims who seek increased religious observance. I'm going to be brutally honest that is typically Americanization at work. The people who I have come across who behave this way are doing everything in their power as possible to shed their Middle East/South Asia nationality, culture, and religion and their relationship with Islam is mere tolerance of it at best. I've seen people rip off their hijabs and abayas right out in the parking lot of the masjid as if to make a political statement, I've seen people alter their name to American-sounding ones to blend in with Western society, among other things.

I feel like this is all a test from Allah (swt). If you want to grow in Islam then ultimately the only one you do need is Allah (swt). There is always a seemingly unlimited supply of people who will do everything they can both overtly and covertly to lead you astray from the deen. Trust in Allah (swt) and ask for protection from the Shaytan. There is hope. I have found very many wonderful observant Muslims in the Islamic community and I have also found very wonderful non-Muslims in society who are very supportive. So it really becomes a filtering process on deciding what level of association you have with people. If someone for instance wants to do what happened to me recently and push Shi'a on traditional Muslims at a traditional masjid and start watering down the deen, you can still utilize Islamic values and be courteous and friendly to them while at the same time speaking the truth about the deen. Let the actions speak for themselves.

My advice to new reverts is to not get overwhelmed. It is something that I also struggle with. You do not need to go from being a non-Muslim to taking Shahadah to being the perfect Muslim overnight if there even is such a thing. Many of the revert sisters I know have indicated that from the time of their shahadah to the time they wore hijab on a full-time basis it was a period of 2-4 years. The office manager at one of the masjids I go to said a new revert can expect it to take about 7 months to more or less get the salat down and that is with regular practice and dedication. So don't get overwhelmed. Work on one thing at a time and you will soon realize that you have grown in Islam much more than you had realized. Always ask Allah (swt) for help and don't base your relationship with the deen on the "quality" of fellow Muslims because the fact is that every single one of us sins. That being said, astaghfirullah if I have given any incorrect/improper advice in this post. As always, Allah (swt) knows best! :)

[Signor]

Losing My Religion- A Call For Help

The article was excerpted from Dr. Jeffrey Lang's book entitled Losing My Religion, an in depth analysis of the current acculturation of the Muslim American identity.

To the Homegrown American Sisters and Brothers

At present, our community in America, whether or not we are aware of it or acknowledge it, is engulfed in a decisive conflict, and we are taking heavy losses. Mass numbers of descendents of Muslims, converts, and spiritual seekers are forsaking the American Islamic community and many of these will inevitably abandon the religion. The confrontation is of course not military but rather is occurring on the intellectual plane. On one front our religion is being both subtly and overtly demeaned by the media. On another, anti-Islam websites are assaulting the faith with mostly discarded but now resurrected antiquated orientalist criticisms.

On another, an extreme, virulent and irrational interpretation of the faith has assumed, with a good deal of outside support, center stage on the world scene. On another, most mosques in this country impose in the name of Islam, traditions and beliefs of questionable necessity that obfuscate the fundamental message of God's last revelation to humanity and that are driving individuals from the faith in droves, and that serve to confirm for too many youth of Muslim parentage and American converts the overriding negative impression of Islam that society seems to hold at large. Instead of seeing a path to spiritual growth, enlightenment and fulfillment many of these disengaged Muslims start to see a stagnant, retrogressive, patriarchal remnant of a lagging culture, mired in meaningless controversies and hollow, lifeless formalism.

If this is going to be countered, it will require an immense and courageous intellectual effort, and those upon whose shoulders this challenge and duty primarily rests are the second generation and converts who have held fast to their faith despite the many challenges this has presented. It is you, the activist American Muslim youth and converts, though your numbers are small, who have been placed in a pivotal role. Through your American upbringing, you have come to fully know and understand the surrounding society, and through your love and commitment to God and your religion, in a milieu that constantly tests it, you have by nature and necessity become the crucial bridge between your faith and its future in this country. You are in the best position to rationally respond to Islam's detractors and to communicate and demonstrate to your fellow countrymen and women what it really means to be a Muslim. You think their think, talk their talk, and appreciate their confusions and concerns. You are also in the best position to reassess the vast tradition that has come down to us in the name of Islam. It is precisely because you have not been reared in a traditional Muslim culture and because you have been taught since your first day in school to search, question, critique, and analyze that you are the prime candidates to endeavor to separate religion from culture, to distinguish the essential to Islam from time and place bound interpretations. It is you who are best able to understand and communicate to the disaffected Muslim youth. This is your jihad (struggle), a jihad for minds and hearts, a jihad of intellect and reason.

So I encourage you to arm yourselves, my younger brothers and sisters, with books, and pens and personal computers, and all the other instruments of learning. And arm yourselves with knowledge of your religious tradition and the works and thoughts of its great minds of the past. But also arm yourselves with modern techniques of critical, analytical, investigative research, so that you can better study and critique past contributions in the Islamic sciences. Learn all you can in your coursework, and especially in such fields as religious studies, history, anthropology, and linguistics. Arm yourselves also, if you have the inclination and aptitude, with advanced degrees in these areas of research so critical to the project of reappraising our community's traditions. And arm yourselves with humility, because it is vital to objectivity, and with courage and perseverance, brothers and sisters, because you will be opposed from without and within the Muslim community.

And remember to always pursue the truth, for God is the Truth, and always pray for and trust in His guidance. And so arm yourselves also with steadfast devotion to your Lord, never forgetting that to Him, and Him only, you have surrendered-not to a tradition, or a school of thought, or a local community or culture, or scholarly legacy-and that your living, striving, sacrifice and dying, all is for Allah.

Dr. Jeffrey Lang is Professor of Mathematics at The University of Kansas, Lawrence, Kansas. He is the author of two best selling works: Struggling to Surrender and Even Angels Ask: A Journey to Islam in America. Both Books have been translated into other languages.

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