assalmu Alaykum...im back. Im going to say things that may be displeasing. Please forgive me but im really struggling.
I'm trying hard to keep faith but I'm losing it. I honestly do not feel like I can go any further. I have been disappointed and hurt. People have harmed me, in retaliation I stay quiet simply to please Allah. Idk if this a test or punishment. I remember making dua for something that I wanted since I was a little boy. It was literally almost within my grasp. I thought my dua was finally going to come true. A dua that I made in front of the kabah. It was everything I wanted, only it was ripped before I even got a chance. I was so let down and shocked. I made this dua in front of the kabah, I thought it would have been accepted. Instead my hopes were and dreams were played. I'm trying not to be angry with Allah, but how he can play with my wishes and dreams. Why should I even bother making dua? So many times I stayed away from haram for the sake of him and he doesnt even care?? People told me be grateful that Allah gave you second chance in life, but ever since I got my "second chance" my life is been so crappy. Mocked and humialted at every turn. Why didn't he just let me die when I was dying? Why let me live only for me to suffer more?
My family call me a hypocrtie on a consecutive daily basis based on every mistake I do.i can no longer give them their rights or control my anger. I have no hope or mercy in Allah. I have severally lost faith and no longer have any hope in the future. The only thing I can look for is my death. If im a hypocrite, why should I even try then? Why not kill myself so I can go to hell if thats what Allah wants for me? Why does he torture me like this? I used to to think all of this was a test but honestly there is no more hope for anything..
assalmu Alaykum...im back. Im going to say things that may be displeasing. Please forgive me but im really struggling.
I'm trying hard to keep faith but I'm losing it. I honestly do not feel like I can go any further. I have been disappointed and hurt. People have harmed me, in retaliation I stay quiet simply to please Allah. Idk if this a test or punishment. I remember making dua for something that I wanted since I was a little boy. It was literally almost within my grasp. I thought my dua was finally going to come true. A dua that I made in front of the kabah. It was everything I wanted, only it was ripped before I even got a chance. I was so let down and shocked. I made this dua in front of the kabah, I thought it would have been accepted. Instead my hopes were and dreams were played. I'm trying not to be angry with Allah, but how he can play with my wishes and dreams. Why should I even bother making dua? So many times I stayed away from haram for the sake of him and he doesnt even care?? People told me be grateful that Allah gave you second chance in life, but ever since I got my "second chance" my life is been so crappy. Mocked and humialted at every turn. Why didn't he just let me die when I was dying? Why let me live only for me to suffer more?
My family call me a hypocrtie on a consecutive daily basis based on every mistake I do.i can no longer give them their rights or control my anger. I have no hope or mercy in Allah. I have severally lost faith and no longer have any hope in the future. The only thing I can look for is my death. If im a hypocrite, why should I even try then? Why not kill myself so I can go to hell if thats what Allah wants for me? Why does he torture me like this? I used to to think all of this was a test but honestly there is no more hope for anything..
:wasalamex
In the day and age we live in, holding on to faith can feel like holding on to hot coal for those who already have weak faith. You need to understand that Allah gave you the gift of Islam and you should appreciate it with every ounce of your being. Islam is the only thing that matters in this life and the next.
NOTHING ELSE MATTERS!
I used to think like you, why should I obey Allah if He never gives me what I ask? Why should I perform Salat for Allah when He never responds? Why should I worship Allah when all He does is make me suffer? I was in a terrible and rebellious state and I passed the threshold of Islam and entered Kufr by ceasing to do my Salat. From there life never got better, I was empty on the inside, I had no good friends, actually, I was alone. I told myself that I don't need anyone, that if I worked hard, I would be able to do anything on my own. How wrong I was.
The truth is, no one can do anything without Allah's permission. Allah gave us life and a good chance at eternal happiness and the path to it is rather easy. Trust in Allah. During my days of kufr, somehow I stopped being angry all the time and slowly I started to realize that everything I earned wasn't through my own effort or intelligence, it was given to me by Allah's Mercy. I recently realized that Allah was guiding me back to Islam and I am forever thankful.
What is life without Islam? It is basically fleeting moments of joy with extended times of agony. It is even worse for those who know Islam is correct but refuse to follow it. How can the creation be happy to live by ignoring their Creator or being ungrateful to them and ending the gift of life that was granted to them? Why should Allah grant the request of anyone who doesn't obey Him? Heck, why should Allah grant the request of those who do obey Him? He is the Creator and doesn't owe us anything. We owe everything to Him.
He granted us life, which is a chance to go to Heaven. He granted us clean air to breath, eyes to see with, ears to hear with, skin to feel with, a tongue to taste with and limbs to move with. If He so chose, He could have created you with no arms or legs and you'd have no right to complain since you never did anything to deserve them in the first place.
You accuse Allah of playing with your wishes and dreams! That is a horrible way to think of Allah. He isn't playing games with you. He gives you what he decrees is best for you. It is the Shaytaan that is whispering into your ear, making you think ill of Allah and is trying to get you to give up and commit suicide. That is his ultimate victory! If you end your life, you doom yourself to Hell where you will continuously kill yourself and be remade over and over. The thought of you suffering in Hell brings the Shaytaan joy and you are letting him win by thinking ill of Allah. Don't let him win, always realize that Allah wants best for His slaves.
You are not a hypocrite. If you were, you wouldn't be here asking for advice. That alone is evidence that you still have hope and faith. Allah is not torturing you, He is just testing you. You are just failing the test by giving up. Tests are meant to make you stronger and bring you closer to Allah. They're meant to make you think of what is really important in life and to give you a chance to be patient and trust in your Creator. They are also a means for Allah to erase your sins and to increase your good deeds. You just need to realize that what you are going through is temporary and make it through to the end. Allah didn't send us to earth to give us an easy life, the whole purpose of all of this is to be tested, to act as evidence for why we go to Hell or Heaven.
Right now you are obsessing over the wrong things, who cares if your family call you a hypocrite, they don't know what is in your heart. The only thing you owe your family is respect and upholding familial ties with them while making sure your parents are okay, even if they don't appreciate it. People have harmed you, so what? What have they done that is so bad that you need to obsess about all the time. You seem to think about them more than you remember Allah. Maybe that is why you are struggling. You need to break ties to people who constantly harm up, hurt your feelings, back bite you, put you down, or just make you feel terrible. You need to remove yourself from all negative aspects in order to see an improvement in your life. If you see them at the Masjid, say Salam and walk past them and sit up front near the Imam to avoid talking to them. The second the Salah is over, leave right away. Don't let them suck you in, only to bring you down. Their opinion of you doesn't matter, in fact you will get more good deeds by ignoring them while they keep getting bad deeds.
As for the thing you wanted since you were a little boy, you are not entitled to it. Allah does not owe anything to you, it is the other way around, you owe everything to Allah. Maybe if Allah gave it to you now, you'd fall off the path of Islam? Did you think about that? Maybe giving you what you wanted would make your life more difficult in the long run, but you cannot see it yet since you can't tell the future? Maybe it just isn't the right time for it and Allah is holding it for a better time. Asking for it in front of the Kaaba doesn't make your request any more special than anyone else's request.
I have multiple requests since I was a child that I haven't gotten yet, and they were the reason why I left Islam. I still didn't get them when I did, instead, life just got worse. I now realize that I really don't need them. All I need is Allah's Love and Mercy and that is all you need as well. One of my requests was a big deal to me. I don't like discussing it because people would treat me or look at me differently , but since this is the internet, no one knows me so it's okay.I have had same sex attraction since I was a child, perhaps as young as being 8 or 9. I didn't understand it at the time, but I knew not to discuss it with anyone, yet people still made fun of me because my mannerisms wasn't the same as everyone else. As I grew up, I got better at hiding it by being a recluse. I understood how bad it was during my teens and asked Allah to take the feelings that I had away from me. Why couldn't I be normal? Why couldn't I have a life like everyone else? I'm 36 now and still have these attractions. I used to hate Allah (astaghfurallah) for creating me this way, but I learned that Allah didn't make me this way, He created me with a clean slate. It was my environment at home that has caused me to deviate. My mother used to walk around naked, which made me lose all attraction to girls. I was the middle child with 4 sisters, so I had no male counterparts to play with since my father was hardly ever home. Media and the internet didn't help.
How do you think I felt when I realized that I'd never be able to get married and have a proper relationship with a woman and have children while I have these corrupt feelings? I got rebellious and angry. Now I realize how stupid I was and how worthless all my anger has been. So what if I never marry! As long as Allah forgives me my sins and grants me His Mercy and permits me to Jannah, I can live alone forever. This is just my test and I hope to pass it, Inshallah. And don't think this test is easy, it isn't. You know how you have to lower your gaze when you see a woman? I have to do the same for men, even though I am a man. I have to control my thoughts when I shake hands with a man, I have to be careful when I go to the Masjid and lower my gaze so I don't look at any man that I may be attracted to and lose all concentration during worship. I have to keep men at a distance so I don't fall into sin with them, even if they don't have the same feelings, I just can't take the chance. So, basically, I am alone. I am 99% sure that my family suspects that I am this way, but thankfully they don't discuss it, which is what I'd prefer.
I used to worry so much about not being like everyone else. All of my classmates have gotten married, had kids, and successful careers while I am stuck alone and in poverty. I would get so jealous when I'd see others living their lives and I'd beg Allah to change mine, yet He didn't. I'm close to 40 which is considered old where I am from, so people are naturally suspicious about why I am not married. So I avoid all social gatherings in order to not deal with their inquiries of me and marriage. In the end, Allah gave me something better than what I had asked for, He gave me understanding.
I now understand that Allah is the Best of Planners. That I wanted all the wrong things in life and never focused on what is truly important. Maybe if I didn't have these feelings, I would have done haram things with a girl and gotten her pregnant out of wedlock? Maybe I would have gotten a disease that would have made my life much worse? Maybe everything I went through in life was only to make me smarter and to realize that all of it is only temporary. I realize now that love for Allah and Jannah is all I really want. I realized that Allah has actually protected me many, many times in my past, when He could have easily led me to suffer much more than I did. For some of the stuff I did, if He didn't hide it for me, I could have went to prison or just ostracized by my community. Yes, I'd like some nice things here, but it's okay if I don't get them, I'll get better things in the next life. My Iman is still not where I want it to be, but I'm taking it one step at a time.
Think about it this way, if Allah sent you an Angel with two options- Option "A" being the thing you wanted since you were a boy, and option "B" is Jannah, which one would you want? Is option "A" really worth throwing your whole life away for?
