My views about Islam

am glad you have come here to learn more^_^i used to feel similiar to you, i am a convert to islam myself from catholicism. i used to feel as though there was nothing worth living for, and that everyone in the world were the same kind of thoughtless people. but not i have embraced islam and i feel so happy i did may allah guide you and make things easy for you^^

wow! I am proud of your husband, mashAllah! May Allah swt reward him for his good deeds and for being good to his wife. (although rewards for such things are guaranteed )

Now I want to preface the rest of what I'm going to type. I have sat here for two hours writing a response to you, because your post drew tears out of me. I write, and delete. Write and delete. I feel like I know exactly what to say to you because I was in your position not long ago. Yet I read what I write and I feel like I'm rambling or missing the point or whatever.

So that being said, I'm going to just let it go, and inshAllah I will get across everything that I had intended.

You see the benefits of virtue, and you believe in virtue, but you just can't buy this whole God-thing. If reason is the only tool God gave us to acquire knowledge, then why would He not show Himself to us? Why would He not let us all believe? Maybe this hits some of your sentiments.>?

Well let's start with virtue. I want to affirm your husband's character by telling you that living virtuously is the closest we can get to being divine. I am in the company of one of the most brilliant men in human history when I tell you this. Aristotle said that living virtuously IS living divinely. That beauty of divinity, or whatever it is, is what is warming your heart when you contemplate your husband's moral character.

It doesn't matter the religion, the ethical philosophy, the cultural custom, whatever: virtuous behavior is universally recognized and admired throughout time.

We of the Islamic tradition will tell you that this is because living virtuously is living the straight path, siratal mustaqim. This is what your husband lives as a Muslim. Forget about God and religion and Muhammad (saws) and Jesus (as) and everything else, and there is still something inside of you that knows behaving virtuously is somehow RIGHT. It is what drew you to your husband.

Siratal mustaqim is the path of God, and that is why Aristotle was correct and harped on virtues so much. Even if we don't believe in God for whatever reason, we are rewarded in this life for being virtuous. People will love you and "karma" (we would say Allah, although not in the sense that God and Karma are interchangeable) will bring good back around to you.

Before you find peace with all of this, there are two aspects of life that you must settle on: belief in God (which likely seems impossible to you right now) and conforming your behavior to the virtuous standard. Virtuous men are drawn to virtuous women, so I shall assume you are alright on the latter half. And anyhow, you already exhibit deep admiration for the virtuous. Therefore, the rest of my discussion will be limited to the "God-thing."

It's all on you. You don't believe in God and likely cannot imagine how you will come to do so. Some of the most brilliant people in our history had the same stance, so don't worry. Furthermore, I was a "devout" atheist throughout my youth and early adulthood. You're not alone.

God is so complicated if you don't believe, and so simple if you do. We want rational proofs, we want to KNOW. Faith is ridiculous to the rational mind. Faith is unjustified belief. Yet for a believer, faith is what brings calm and content and makes it natural to be virtuous. I believe, obviously, and I tell you that it changed over night. I literally went to bed not believing and received my sign in the morning that gave me justified belief that there is something greater than all of this, and that "thing" is God.

I started following Nicomachean Ethics and took Socrates as my "Jesus," my righteous example to emulate. But I still couldn't understand this divinity and God thing. I went to my most admirable professor, a devout Baptist, and I asked him, "How can you be so brilliant and believe in something for which you have no rational proof?" He didn't answer me. Instead, he instructed me. Roughly, "Go and tell God that you are looking for Him and that you want to know Him."

I couldn't believe this. How can you go to God if you don't believe in Him? He told me to just do whatever it takes to inform God that I want to understand Him. He said it could be as simple as sitting on my bed talking into the air with the intent to address God. So I went home and I said something like this: "God, if you exist, please help me make sense of you. If You are there, I want to believe, but I just don't have anything to justify believing in You! So... yeah, amen."

I went through my day, went to bed, went through another day, went to bed, and the next day, something happened that was enough for me. I knew that God had listened and given me something to verify His existence. It doesn't matter what it was, because you might just think it was a coincidence if I explained it, but I knew. And I was the most cynical and doubting person, yet I knew.

It took a year for Islam to come to me. I spent so much time with in church and more with the Bible. And I am a self-proclaimed relentless truth-seeker, and the church failed me as it has failed you. The Bible failed me. The message that Jesus (as) portrayed in the Bible did not. I had belief in God, I had trust in the virtues... it was only time before I realized that I was a Muslim. A person who submitted to God.

Islam became my interest when I realized that it was the way by which I would serve God and receive my guidance from Him.
--------------------------------------------

I hope with what I have said thus far, you can relate. I don't know if this is any better than the first time I tried to write to you, but I tried.

I am filled with hope for you, sister. I wish I just knew how to advise you, because I feel like you would feel whole as a Muslim, but you cannot submit to God if you don't believe in God.

If I could advise one thing, I would say this: forget about religion and everything you have learned about it EXCEPT the virtues. They are universal and you can learn them from common aphorisms as much as you can learn them from Islam. Instead, just go to God. Go as a person who wants to know God; a person seeking God. You don't believe now because you don't have any reason to believe. Look at your husband and look at all of us here who have this overwhelming sense of contentment, just because we know God. You deserve this contentment just as much as any of us, and everyone here will tell you that its something like "a phone call away."

Just show Him that you are trying, and God never ignores those who seek Him and His wisdom. I know I sound like a religious zealot or something, but I promise you I was just a typical all-American kid when I got my response.

God DOES listen if you go to Him. And I promise He will reveal Himself to you if you sincerely seek Him. But you have to have the intent. Even if you don't believe now, just sit in your closet when no one is looking or listening and ask for Him to reveal Himself in a way that makes sense to you. When it happens, all of your worries will fade. All of your pain, all of your frustration, everything in this world will fade away for that one moment of revelation.

But it is enough to change you forever. Then you can come back to this world with a new perspective. Then you can start determining what about religion makes sense to you. The journey for religious knowledge never ends, but it never hurts you and always rewards you. You keep your reasoning, you keep your rational doubt, but your mind and your heart are filled with a sort of pleasure that is beyond anything this world has to offer you.

format_quote Originally Posted by Kafir

At the moment I write this I am still a Kafir, I do not believe there is a god.

Salam Wa Lakum Kafir,

I used to ponder back and forth, long ago, if there really was a God and I wondered if I would ever find proof of such. Then one day there was a knock at my front door. I opened it and found a Jehovah Witness. Always eager to learn about new belief systems, I allowed them to come in and talk with me.

When the discussion reached the topic of the existence of God, they explained it quite logically to me like this. If you were to take a jigsaw puzzle box that contained 500 pieces and shook it for trillions of years, it would never make or form the puzzle. The pieces are all there, but it takes the hand of man to put it all together perfectly. Although that religion was not for me, I always remembered that analogy.

In the same respect, the universe is similar to a jigsaw puzzle. You could allow it to shake and simmer over and over again for eons but it, too, needs the hand of a higher power, the spirit of God breathed into it to form the perfection that we take for granted in, say, watching a butterfly emerge from a cocoon. This planet has and holds so much beauty in both plant and animal form that it is almost impossible to imagine these things in their intricate perfection just forming on their own. When you take a deep long look into this planet and it's lifeforms, it looks as if it was made especially for man--like it knew man was coming.

As well, the human body is a complete marvel and so intricatly put together in form and function that one can only contemplate how this could be left on it's own to develop.

When I was searching for God, and I stumbled upon Islam, I didn't have all the logical answers.....but I did have the "feeling" that I was onto something that felt right. I decided to suspend my disbelief for a time and follow my feelings. Those feelings took me on a journey which eventually lead me into the beautiful heart of Islam. Eventually, the science/logic will catch up with the belief. You must give it time.

In the beginning, you will not have all the logical answers to the big questions you seek but through your ernest quest for a connection with God, he will show you through "feelings" and by following these, in their natural course, Allah (SWT) may eventually reveal to you the rest of the answers, one by one, to some of the bigger questions. In my quest, I found that once I became immersed in Islam, some of those bigger questions didn't matter any longer. And it is at those times, ironically, that the doors of knowledge begin to be opened up unto you.

As an example, after converting I began to pray, meditate, study the Koran and fellowship with other Muslims. I suddenly noticed one day that "proving" the existence of God no longer seemed a top priority to me. It was only at that time that I turned on the t.v. one day and caught the tail end of a documentary entitled, "Scientific Evidence that Proves a Creator Exits." They were quoting the heavies of quantum physics, Stephen Hawking, Paul Davies, Geoffrey Burbridge and others. I remember one interesting thing they said was that if the earth was only 1/2 percent closer to the sun, it would be too hot for man to inhabit. 1/2 percent farther away and it would be covered in ice. The fact that scientists are now finding evidence that corroborates the Bible and the Koran with other religion's belief in a supreme creator makes me smile inside. Finally after years of throwing stones at each other, science and religion are meeting in the middle. It would be nice to have all the answers upfront before we decide to take the plunge into believing, but then we would miss out on the experience of learning what it means to have "faith". Believing without seeing makes that belief all that much stronger.

I guess that is what faith is truly all about. When you get those gentle promptings and feelings, the way you have with your husband, following those feelings is like believing without seeing....just another sort of faith. Just as you are doing, continue to follow those feelings and see where they lead. You might just be surprised at what you find.

Remember, logic can always be disputed by others, but your feelings cannot. If you find Islam through logic alone, it runs the risk of crumbling under debate; as there is an unexaughstable supply of people who will love to debate the validity of Islam with you. If you find Islam, however, by following that still, small voice within, that is something tangible that will forever be your strength, refuge and a type of internal guidance system that will serve you well and can never crumble under the futile debate of man.

I wish all the blessings and peace of Allah to you and your husband while you are seeking. Inshallah, you will find the truth.

keep your reflections about Islam. and if you want something to read that explains what Islam is all about, and you got 1 hour or less to spare reading it, then read this - http://linuses.blogspot.com. May God guide you.

Khalil_Allah
My apologies for taking so long to respond. I have had quite a many experiences which kept me away from the board. Please know that I have read your post many times with the desire to respond but didn't find the time until now.

I shall cut up pieces of your post and respond directly below them so you know what it is I respond to. And thank you for giving me such a well written piece!

format_quote Originally Posted by Khalil_Allah

wow! I am proud of your husband, mashAllah! May Allah swt reward him for his good deeds and for being good to his wife. (although rewards for such things are guaranteed )

I am so proud of my husband too. But tonight he actually said something that disturbed me. I wrote of it in another thread regarding the relationship between kafirs and muslims. I would love it if you took a look and gave me some input since you seem so enlightened and well thought.

format_quote Originally Posted by Khalil_Allah

You see the benefits of virtue, and you believe in virtue, but you just can't buy this whole God-thing. If reason is the only tool God gave us to acquire knowledge, then why would He not show Himself to us? Why would He not let us all believe? Maybe this hits some of your sentiments.>?

Indeed, it does hit some of my sentiments. I do believe in the benefits of virtue and I have tried to manifest them continually in my life because I have a true love for that which is good. I do not buy the God thing because there is no empirical evidence available in which to verify God's existence. It does perturb me that humanity can not verify its existence and that the major world religions tell of eternal punishment for not taking the leap of faith the lack of proof requires. It angers me actually, and so I'm in a place where the choice is between certainty of virtue or the possibility of a god which does not embody virtue (from my current perspective). It leaves me proclaiming atheism, frankly, yet also embracing virtue.

format_quote Originally Posted by Khalil_Allah

Well let's start with virtue. I want to affirm your husband's character by telling you that living virtuously is the closest we can get to being divine.

I agree, and as a kafir I often say: since we can empirically find no divinity out there, we must create it here, within our actions and hearts. We should create heaven on earth, we have wasted too much time mistreating one another on the hope of a metaphysical heaven.

format_quote Originally Posted by Khalil_Allah

Before you find peace with all of this, there are two aspects of life that you must settle on: belief in God (which likely seems impossible to you right now) and conforming your behavior to the virtuous standard. Virtuous men are drawn to virtuous women, so I shall assume you are alright on the latter half. And anyhow, you already exhibit deep admiration for the virtuous. Therefore, the rest of my discussion will be limited to the "God-thing."

The more I contemplate God, the less I believe such a thing is even possible. I am at the point where even the small ember of hope I had is dying, possibly dead. My Father recently passed, which is why I was not on the forum, I was taking care of him in his weakness. Watching him pass pretty much extinguished what was left of that ember of hope for a deity. I won't go into why or what my thoughts are on it because I am worried that talking openly about my skepticism can cause issues on the forum. The last thing I want to do is cause controversy, I am here with good intentions of understanding myself and others, not in bringing forth these utterly deep ponderings that have smashed my faith and hence can make others unconfomfortable. I just don't know if thats appropriate to do here, and so I'm reserving it.

On another note, I DO believe I have embraced virtue well. Yes, there is more I could do like completely giving up my home and running out to be a full time advocate, which is something I would LOVE to do, but considering I am raising children and caring for my widowed mother its something I can not venture into. That shall have to wait for if I have good health in another ten years. For now there is too much family duty. But I do live virtously in the ways my time constraints can afford. I engage in everything from protesting and picketing to fund raising for all kinds of efforts that work to alleviate misery on this planet. I do it simply because I love virtue, I want to be virtuous and I want others to embrace it in hopes that all the creatures of this beautiful small world may see less days stooped in misery.

format_quote Originally Posted by Khalil_Allah

It's all on you. You don't believe in God and likely cannot imagine how you will come to do so. Some of the most brilliant people in our history had the same stance, so don't worry. Furthermore, I was a "devout" atheist throughout my youth and early adulthood. You're not alone.

Ahh but I do worry about it and I can not stop! I have tried to quell my mind in a million and one ways yet the questions and fleeting thoughts just won't end! If there is a creator (and though I don't believe there is) I want to know it! I want to understand its nature, I want to give respect and gratitude to that nature if it is indeed virtuous. I want to satiate my mind in regards to this, I want to put my ponderance of "if" to rest, a final rest. The God question I have wrestled with for a decade now is making me tired, making me... ill... Its as if I have this hole in me that can not be filled until I know for certain. And the fact that I can not drives me insane! I want to do what is right in this life and I have no leader to lay my trust in fully, it grieves me...

format_quote Originally Posted by Khalil_Allah

God is so complicated if you don't believe, and so simple if you do. We want rational proofs, we want to KNOW. Faith is ridiculous to the rational mind. Faith is unjustified belief. Yet for a believer, faith is what brings calm and content and makes it natural to be virtuous. I believe, obviously, and I tell you that it changed over night. I literally went to bed not believing and received my sign in the morning that gave me justified belief that there is something greater than all of this, and that "thing" is God.

I tell you brother, there have been a thousand nights I have prayed with what I had thought was the last of me for any sign. I have come to the point where I don't even ask anymore because nothing has happened and I am beginning to question my sanity for even repeating the inquiry. How many times must an experiment fail before you stop experimenting? I'm so very tired of it... I do believe faith brings a calmness. Yet my rational mind will not allow me to have it. My rational mind continually whispers: Where is the intellectual integrity in believing in something that is not proven to exist? You are trading your logic in for contentment. And worse, you are trading in your virtue. For if a deity exists that created all this misery and you worship that, then you too are guilty for the misery. You are selling your morality for a hope of immortality and that is the anti-thesis of virtue... Bahh! The things my mind whispers, its a mess in there! And its made my "soul" tired, if that makes sense...

format_quote Originally Posted by Khalil_Allah

I started following Nicomachean Ethics and took Socrates as my "Jesus," my righteous example to emulate. But I still couldn't understand this divinity and God thing. I went to my most admirable professor, a devout Baptist, and I asked him, "How can you be so brilliant and believe in something for which you have no rational proof?" He didn't answer me. Instead, he instructed me. Roughly, "Go and tell God that you are looking for Him and that you want to know Him."

I couldn't believe this. How can you go to God if you don't believe in Him? He told me to just do whatever it takes to inform God that I want to understand Him. He said it could be as simple as sitting on my bed talking into the air with the intent to address God. So I went home and I said something like this: "God, if you exist, please help me make sense of you. If You are there, I want to believe, but I just don't have anything to justify believing in You! So... yeah, amen."

I went through my day, went to bed, went through another day, went to bed, and the next day, something happened that was enough for me. I knew that God had listened and given me something to verify His existence. It doesn't matter what it was, because you might just think it was a coincidence if I explained it, but I knew. And I was the most cynical and doubting person, yet I knew.

I have had moments like that many times, its the last vestige of hope, ya know? I remember when I started losing my faith in Christianity I would talk with God everynight: "Im running out of faith lord, fill me back up". Well, the conversations were much more intricate then that. I would yell about Bible verses which upset me, how the misery in this world is making me question all I was told, etc.

And then the conversations became more general after time: "If there is anything out there, I need to know you are there. I'm sick and alone and I'm running out of reasons to exist, I'm even running out of hope for doing this. If you are there, you have to help quell me, please! I want to know you, I want to know how I am supposed to live." Nothing... My last conversation like the last week of December 2008. My Father dying made me stop asking. The lack of response in those most needful times, pissed me off, crushed me, to be frank... I'm at the point where I am left with two thoughts: Either there is nothing there or what is there is a fiend and couldn't care less about those with those serious desire, in which case I don't want to know something like that. I know that sounds angry, but that's the point where I am now.

format_quote Originally Posted by Khalil_Allah

I hope with what I have said thus far, you can relate. I don't know if this is any better than the first time I tried to write to you, but I tried.

I can relate and I thank you most sincerely for trying. It makes me feel good that there are people here who can be so open in regards to lack of belief. I have been around fundamentalists who are so hell bent on ****ation and bashing atheists that I was worried to even speak here. Its comforting to know that at least one person on this board can say: hey, I know where you are and why you are there, I don't think you are the devil for it. In fact, your post makes me feel more welcomed here, thank you for that.

format_quote Originally Posted by Khalil_Allah

If I could advise one thing, I would say this: forget about religion and everything you have learned about it EXCEPT the virtues.

That's precisely what I am doing.

format_quote Originally Posted by Khalil_Allah

God DOES listen if you go to Him. And I promise He will reveal Himself to you if you sincerely seek Him. But you have to have the intent. Even if you don't believe now, just sit in your closet when no one is looking or listening and ask for Him to reveal Himself in a way that makes sense to you. When it happens, all of your worries will fade. All of your pain, all of your frustration, everything in this world will fade away for that one moment of revelation.

Thats the problem brother. I feel as I have done this a thousand times already, and nothing has happened I for many years thought why me, why do I not get an answer? What have I done so wrong? I beat myself up for every small conceivable "sin". But I did it for so long that now I am getting angry. I contemplate how I have embraced virtue, and how few have while proclaiming faith and then I feel mad at existence itself. Does that make sense?

I wish to thank you again for your post. In the very least it made me feel more welcome here, and that is a big task in and of itself.

hello... i didn't read everything... but i did read the original and ur last saying, in which u said u don't see any sign from god.

and my question for u is, how come u don't see any sign????
u got married to a Muslim and he was a such a virtous man that he made u think about faith and God again when u spend ur life trying to prove that there's no God.

how come it happened to u???

i mean , come on!
how come u get married to a muslim with such a good faith when u r against religion?

adigagirl, not all the atheists are enemies of or against religion. for some people it's simply the strong belief that god doesn't exist.

kafir I, sadly for me, find myself very empathic to you, but my position is coming from a different beginning. I was raised as a muslim in an intellectual family, went to the best schools that also luckily had an excellent religious platform available. Due to my interests, and keen desire to learn more took me to a wide range of environments.

People have also told me in disbelief: "how can you be such a ... person and still be a muslim?" I had it all good. Recently different parts of my brain ( or should I say ego ) stopped getting along that well, and I found a part of myself strongly agnostic/skeptic about god. I'm in this very disturbing stage, where my perspective is not as adamant as before. And this keeps me from being in peace. Not having a clear perspective in THE question in this life, makes everything wobbly. It's too painful. I find myself thinking "I just want to be sure and content in one stance. It doesn't matter which one!"

I just want things go well for both of us, and I hope it'll be Islam, as I wouldn't mind an eternal life at all.

salam turkish brother
when i said against religion i didn't mean that she's an enemy of islam. just that she doesn't agree with what religion says.

and for you,
if ur eyes are open, then it's one of the easiest things to understand that there's God.

"Indeed, We have made all the signs manifest unto people who are endowed with inner certainty. " 2:118 (Asad)

"And [so it happened; and] thereof, indeed, We have left a clear sign for people who use their reason." 29:35 (Asad)

"Now among His signs are the night and the day, as well as the sun and the moon: [hence,] adore not the sun or the moon, but prostrate yourselves in adoration before God, who has created them - if it is Him whom you [really] worship." 41:37 (Asad)

"AND ON EARTH there are signs [of God’s exis*tence, visible] to all who are endowed with inner certainty," (20) "just as [there are signs thereof] within your own selves: [13] can you not, then, see?" 51:20,21 (Asad)


i guess you already know that the chances that there's no higher power that made us are zero? the world is too perfect... i guess u already know that... but can you grasp it? or does it just go into one ear and go out in the other one??.. say "aauzu bellah min alshaytan alragib" and then think about it again, untill u grasp it, untill it brings tears to ur eyes...
my best wishes for you brother.

Kafir- Thanks for your posting. I enjoyed reading your situation. Firstly, I want to say that if you have that "feeling" to be around muslims and visit a mosque..DO!! I have these same exact feelings myself. That feeling means something. Visiting a mosque for the first time is brave..but worth it. Everyone is so helpful. Remember life is about choices, so make them wisely. It's wonderful that your searching, many people just don't care like you do. As far as belief in God, can I say what affirms my belief? Mostly, my physical body. My heart beating, my dependence for air to breathe, my intensely complicated brain, functions of the heart, digestive system etc...how every part of my body works in-sync with the other..It's amazing. Being healthy sometimes we take advantage of this, but when sickness/illness arrives, we realize..Also, the universe, is mind-boggling..and not by accident. Earth, didn't arrive to sustain life by mere accident..BILLIONS of accidents if you've researched the stages of Earth's makeup..That's like saying a tornado could pick up random pieces of metal, swrill it around in its funel, and drop out a BMW in perfect running form. NO. A "thing" and "essense"..a "creator" has control. A God is behind everything we see. That's my two sense. I hope God continues to guide you to the straight path.

format_quote Originally Posted by Kafir

Well, I'm not a celebrity, but I do have a little notoriety in the religion field. I teach comparative religions, spent much of my career batteling literalism of belief. I am a known atheist, have published many articles refuting religions, especially the Abrahamic traditions. I am related to some very important Christian figures, which made what I wrote all the more controversial.

I'm staying anonymous here because of that, but more importantly: because of my husband. What brought me here tonight: for the last six months I have been contemplating Islam more and more. My story to this place is quite long: the early years of my life, the reason why I lost faith in Christianity, how I got started in theology, why I became an atheist, how the state of being a kafir effects my life and finally how I ended up married to a muslim man.

I won't get into it because I simply don't have the energy to write it all. Its nearly 2 am and I have lost my zeal for the written word, but I'm holding this feeling in and I have to get it out so that I can sleep.

My life has been rough, I went through alot of hardship and always fixed it in my own. I see the world as very apathetic, greedy, selfish and immoral. I often feel as if the misery of the world is a testimony to the idea that nothing divine can exist. Furthermore, what doctrines we have attributed to divinity are riddled with issues that prevent me from believing.

At the moment I write this I am still a Kafir, I do not believe there is a god. But, I feel something in me, something very hard to explain. I feel this contentment, a serenity with life i have never known before. I feel a peace inside of my being that I didn't think existed. Meeting my husband has restored alot of "faith" in the world I lost piece by piece. I used to believe there wasn't a decent human on the planet, he proved me wrong. I used to believe there wasn't a man who believed in fidelity, honor, providership, protection, morality and true friendship. He has proven me wrong. I used to believe that no human with the refined intellectual ability to reflect on history, science and theology could possibly believe in a deity defined by religion. My husband yet again prove me wrong.

In his enduring love, communication, leadership by example, gentle ways and open heart he has been healing my wounds and I find myself.... ahhhh, how do I articulate it?.... I find myself, with a peace and renewed hope in my being that I can only describe as "divine". I am filled again with a longing for divinity. I am filled again with the hope that something is out there greater than this. I don't believe, but this small piece of me WANTS to, if that makes sense.

Maybe I'll die a Kafir, I don't know... But I do know this: there is no finer way to make someone contemplate Islam than to lead by a patient and loving example what Islam is. All the debates, book studies, indoctrinations and prophecies amount to very little compared to what filling a person with acceptance and love can do. Everyday I share with my husband I feel the urge stronger to read the Qur'an. Everyday I share with my husband I feel a stronger urge to go to a mosque. I don't know what I'd do there, or if anyone would even enagage me because I don't think I'm quite ready to listen to proselytizing. I just want to see if I can "feel" there, the same peace and tranquility my relationship with my husband gives me. Everyday I find myself conversing with oblivion, talking aloud, nearly what I used to do back when I was a believer in Christianity, as if god was there to hear me. I find myself making small requests in my brain like: "Allah keep him safe"... Even though I intellectually do not believe in a God, and criticize the Qu'ran on many points, I am speaking internally as if I do. It irks me, I cringe when I do it, call myself a hypocrite and go on long internal tirades concerning my "weak" atheism where I question my lack of belief.

Blah, I came here intending on sharing my experience with people but I find myself inable to speak because I really haven't sorted it out yet. I just know that inside I feel the need to interact with other muslims. I need to immerse myself in Islam more so that I can do something with this feeling coming over me, if that makes any sense.

greetings,

Sister, it seems to me that your problem isn't pertaining to the existence of God, but rather it is pertaining to you forcing yourself to conceal the fact that you believe in God. The word "kafir" in Arabic doesn't literally mean a disbeliever, it means someone who chooses to cover the truth once it has become manifest to them. (kafara - cover, get it? :P).

I would like to ask you, how much do you love your husband? Do you see in him virtues you believe every husband should possess? If so, then shouldn't you be grateful to God who gave you such a loving husband in the first place?

You should testify to the oneness of God and the creed of Islamic faith as soon as possible, in my opinion.

best regards,
May Allah guide us all to the straight path, ameen.