During my first trip to Makkah, as a 24-year-old, I met an inspirational mother of one, who eleven years after giving birth to her first child, desperately wanted another baby.
Three years after going through a divorce, I too, was desperate – to get married again.
When I told this sister about the feelings of disillusionment and loneliness I was experiencing, she told me how she was addressing her need during her time in this blessed city, and advised me to do the same. She told me that in every step she took during her pilgrimage, she would fervently make du'aa to Allah, asking Him to Bless her with another child. She said she did this during tawaaf, between Safaa and Marwa, everywhere she went, she reminded herself to make this du'aa, and she suggested that I implore Allah in a similar manner. I left the sister's hotel room, with a spring in my step, on a similar mission.
Everywhere I went, I begged Allah to Bless me with a husband: 'Oh Allah Grant me a husband who is a haafidh,' 'Oh Allah, Bless me with a husband who loves knowledge and is actively seeking it,' 'Oh Allah, Bless me with a husband who is willing to give up his life in Your Path.'
I didn't want to return home, to live the unfulfilling and empty life I felt I had been living, and poured these feelings out in my prayers, crying my heart out every step of the way.
When I returned to South Africa, I received a call from a relative, who told me she wanted to introduce me to a brother who had memorized the Qur'aan and who was actively studying the Deen. Excited that Allah had answered my prayers, I immediately agreed to the introduction. Well, I met the brother, I prayed Salaatul Istikhaarah, and you know what? I didn't end up marrying him.
After three years of not having being introduced to marital prospects, after Hajj I suddenly found myself inundated with calls from friends and family eager for me to meet brothers they felt I would be compatible with. I met them all. And I did not end up married to any of them.
You see, our Merciful Rabb was showing me that the time wasn't quite right for me to marry, that though there were hundreds of brothers in the world who possessed the criteria I was looking for, they were not necessarily the marriage partners He had destined for me, nor was the time right for me to marry. When the time was appropriate for me to marry, in His Divine Estimate, not in my limited understanding thereof, He would bring the right person into my life.
Uplifted by this realization, I re-motivated myself, and re-channeled my energy. I continued making du'aa for marriage yes, and I didn't stop making an effort towards meeting prospective husbands, but it was no longer the obsession it had become, the yardstick by which I had measured fulfillment. I sought fulfillment in other ways, immersing myself in teaching Islam to women and teenage girls, publishing Islamic reading material, working for Islamic radio stations and engaging in other forms of da'wah.
You're probably waiting for the part where I tell you about my happy ending – that, a few years later I met the man who had everything I wanted and more, and we got married and lived happily ever after.
But dear sister, influenced by the West, we attach different meanings to concepts which Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala has already defined, in the Qur'aan and through the teachings of Rasoolullaah sallallahu alayhi wassallam. Happiness doesn't start and end with getting the guy you want and living a life of bliss with him. Happiness is about passing the tests we are faced with in this world, remaining firm on our faith in spite of these tests and presenting ourselves to Allah on the Day of Qiyaamah, rich in good deeds. I did get married, yes. But again, it didn't work out.
So I'm living the 'single life' again. And dear sister, it isn't half as bad as people sometimes make it out to be.
Of course I want to get married again. And if anyone out there is unmarried, of course, you too, should want to marry and make an effort in this respect. For did not the Rasool of Allah Sallallahu alayhi wassallam tell us, 'Marriage is a sunnah (way) of mine, and whoever does not follow my Sunnah is not of my followers. Get married because I will display your outnumbering the other nations on the Day of Resurrection. Whoever has wealth should get married, and whoever does not should fast, because fasting is a restraint (of desire) for him.' (Ibn Maajah, authenticated by Al-Albaanee)
And this beautiful union has undeniable benefits. Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala has told us in the Qur'aan: 'And among His signs is that He created for you, from yourselves, spouses that you may dwell (in joy and security) unto them, and He set between you love and mercy; surely in that are signs for those who reflect.' (Surah Ar-Room 30:21)
And: 'They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them.' (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187)
But having said that, we have to remember that just like marriage is an integral part of faith, so too is exercising trust and patience in the decree of Allah.
People may say that you and I are not married because we are too fussy, or difficult to get along with, etc. etc. and perhaps we can analyze what they are saying and if we conclude that they are correct, then we can work hard towards rectifying that aspect of our character for the Pleasure of Allah. But having done that, we have to realize, that ultimately, we are not married because Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala has Willed for us to be single at this point in time.
Now we have a choice. Either we can lose sleep over it, beat ourselves up every day, and feel really sorry for ourselves. Or we can recognize that the time we have on our hands is a gift from Allah, an amaanah, not to be wasted in counter-productive thoughts and futile tears and fears.
And we can start spending this time beneficially, by engaging in activities which our married sisters might not always be able to enjoy: seeking knowledge, being active in da'wah, volunteering our time to organizations which serve the poor and aged, spending quality time with our parents, babysitting for our married friends so they can spend some time engaging in these activities, the list goes on and on.
And this my dear sister, is how the single life should be lived. If Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala Wills, somewhere in the midst of living and reveling in the joy and fulfillment such a life brings, Mr. Right will come along. And if he doesn't, so what? Perhaps he will be waiting for you in Jannah, a reward for the patience you exercised in this transient world!
Being unmarried undeniably comes with its challenges, just like marriage does. But it isn't the end of the world. And it shouldn't be. So get up, take a deep breath, hand this affair over to Allah, and start living the life He has given you!
don't worry, doesn't have much to do with pessimism as with realism, life is not a picnic always. realizing that actually makes you appreciate life more.
Hmm, yeh I guess. Doesnt take much though does it....to say that you'll trust Allah (swt) and let Qadr take its course even though you may not see marriage on the cards anytime soon.
It's true that life is not always a picnic, but doesnt that make one appreciate and crave a relationship whereby life would seem at least a little rosy.
I think you are mistaken.. marriage doesn't have to be a burden, but some folks make it so... Marriage should be wonderful but is it?.
I think if marriage exists on the sacrifice of one party's happiness for another, then yes more and more people will think of it as a burden--it has nothing to do with your 'defined' roles and the change in society, save if the definition is man imposed?
If the men now a days were anything like those early Muslims during the time of the prophet, one might indeed reconsider---
but the fact is women continued along the same path while many men devolved if such a term is applicable ---
one indeed can cement this with modern day examples
the guy who marries the daughter of a renowned doctor (my dad's friend) to get a green card, lives off her family's fortune, when he father dies she continues to work while he sits at home, later on cheats on her ..
the woman who was beaten maliciously by her husband (sister's friend) then leaves her with three children whom she has to raise on her own without support or alimony, she ends up working for another miserable sap a so-called hajj who favors christian Hispanic workers treats her like crap (she had no formal education because of her own stringent upbringing) and yet took his abuse along with her husband's to raise her children and put them to school the best she can from the pennies she makes, she still manages to give to charity, when her own husband can't even be charitable to his own children...
the pediatrician whose father died at a young age, and when she herself became of age, her mother constantly pressured her to marry until she ended up with a con artist who feigned a doctorate when he was a taxi driver (no there is nothing wrong with being a taxi driver) but there is with being deceptive..
perhaps when you put things into perspective, you'd feel less inclined to the pre-formed judgment and maybe actively look at what it is that ails many Muslims?
There are no khalid ibn ilwaleed, or Omar ibn ilkhtab left and lucky are those who end up with someone with some semblance ( perhaps the sacrifices will then be well worth it) but I guarantee you most women have modest expectations -- a dignified life of compassion and companionship for starters would be good to consider before jumping to other conclusions!
Last edited by جوري; 11-30-2008 at 11:30 PM.
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
You'd know as well as anybody else sis that your past experiences and what you have come across in life will mould you and your opinions...That's what I thought when I first read your post.
Marriage is not necessarily a bed of roses, but I'm sure many members could share happy stories, positive ones..
There are no khalid ibn ilwaleed, or Omar ibn ilkhtab but I guarantee you most women have modest expectations -- a dignified life of compassion and companionship for starters would be good to consider before jumping to other conclusions!
hmm J.U.N.I.O.R, I wonder how long that'll work. as long as humans exist, males will seek out females regardless of how society changes. what I think is due is a change of perception, our perception of women as unindividual's that is.
You'd know as well as anybody else sis that your past experiences and what you have come across in life will mould you and your opinions...That's what I thought when I first read your post.
Marriage is not necessarily a bed of roses, but I'm sure many members could share happy stories, positive ones..
Agreed
WassalamuAlaykum
I could share happy ones as well.. perhaps when one has wonderful and loses it, one wants to recapture it again-- or at least avoid the errors of others..
I have loved someone special and he died-- so other sob stories of abuse and neglect don't necessarily apply to me -- I am just amused at how life can rob you one way or the other.. and for others to assume somehow that you had something to do with it..
what I am trying to say is.. there is nothing wrong with marriage.. yes some are single and it is OK, they are not pariahs, or difficult or picky or have something wrong with them structurally or physically or psychologically.. life just happens-- it is best that we assume the best, than jump to conclusions or cast doubt and judgment-- or alienate others because they don't fall under the 'norm'
al7mdlilah
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
I could share happy ones as well.. perhaps when one has wonderful and loses it, one wants to recapture it again-- or at least avoid the errors of others..
I have loved someone special and he died-- so other sob stories of abuse and neglect don't necessarily apply to me -- I am just amused at how life can rob you one way or the other.. and for others to assume somehow that you had something to do with it..
what I am trying to say is.. there is nothing wrong with marriage.. yes some are single and it is OK, they are not pariahs, or difficult or picky or have something wrong with them structurally or physically or psychologically.. life just happens-- it is best that we assume the best, than jump to conclusions or cast doubt and judgment-- or alienate others because they don't fall under the 'norm'
al7mdlilah
I'm sorry if it seemed that I'm judging.
I would never judge one who had endured a loss. I would commend their strength and Sabr. It's a different thing altogether though for one who has never loved, for a teenager to say that they would give up marrying with no good reason whatsoever.
If you've loved and lost once, you can be wary of loving again...
I personally say as Ibn Mas'ud (radi allaahu anhu) said:`If I had but ten days left to live, I would like to marry, so as not to meet Allaah as a celibate.'
“Do not argue with your Lord on behalf of your soul, rather argue with your soul on behalf of your Lord.” - Dhul-Nun
"It is the very pursuit of happiness that thwarts happiness." - Victor Frankl
I would never judge one who had endured a loss. I would commend their strength and Sabr. It's a different thing altogether though for one who has never loved, for a teenager to say that they would give up marrying with no good reason whatsoever.
If you've loved and lost once, you can be wary of loving again...
WassalamuAlaykum
that is very true sister.. what you want for others is a noble thing.. I hope I am not giving the impression that I am against marriage.. I am simply against coerced and forced marriages to fulfill a certain status quo, or to yield to thinking negative thoughts of folks who remain single, because I believe people further alienate them-- or turn every conversation into a marriage based one like they are behind schedule because then they will want to get away and alienate themselves .. I think just like the common cold takes of some folks five days to heal, of others seven or ten, so too do other wounds... people need to go at things their own pace that is all...
Jazaki Allah khyran..
you are so sweet :smile: and I appreciate you posting the article for discussion...
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
I personally say as Ibn Mas'ud (radi allaahu anhu) said:`If I had but ten days left to live, I would like to marry, so as not to meet Allaah as a celibate.'
it would be a bummer indeed to die a virgin
sort of like being given a parking ticket instead of a speeding one...
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
i will just like to pull up a post i not sure who it was buy, but *points @ you* naa
it said summin like its hard for single parents to find a spouse, but tiddy but like i think there are many many manyyyyyyy men that wouldnt mind marryin someone who is also married, or someone who isnt a virgin or whatever, what we need to understand is when Allah (Swt) can forgive who are we not to innaay!
Jaa-Ro-Nee-Mo!!!
"they ask you when will the help of Allah (swt) come! Certainly Allah (Swt) help is always near"
heh, but that's a bit too harsh sister..
glad you have your humor back though.
I was given a parking ticket on a day I was speeding at 90 miles and hour.. I can't tell you how humiliated I felt when the witch handed me a ticket for dropping off a friend in a no parking zone...
It would have been something of a victory to have been given that ticket for speeding on the highway instead..
It just seems too wimpy -- on the bright side parking tickets do cost less.. so there really is always a silver lining
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
you know why...it is encourage to get married fast.
1. so that you'll not be too choosy.
2. u are not that bothered about the hard life of marriage (b4 marriage)
3. after marriage you'll get to learn what is responsibility at the young age. So at the young age you'll know what life is really all about...
25:36 And the true servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk the earth with humility and when the ignorant address them, they respond with words of peace.
1. it helps cope with body's natural changes and urges
2. it safeguards and protects one from fitnah
3. it is sunnah
4. it allows you more time to live together
5. it makes u have grown up kids when your not too old
6. it's the best thing young people can do
7. it teaches you to be accepting of each other as both of your personality is being developed. Being older makes you more choosy and nit picky and just a sour puss and rigid to change since your "ways" and personality has been hard coded in by then
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like i think there are many many manyyyyyyy men that wouldnt mind marryin someone who is also married, or someone who isnt a virgin or whatever, what we need to understand is when Allah (Swt) can forgive who are we not to innaay!
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