During my first trip to Makkah, as a 24-year-old, I met an inspirational mother of one, who eleven years after giving birth to her first child, desperately wanted another baby.
Three years after going through a divorce, I too, was desperate – to get married again.
When I told this sister about the feelings of disillusionment and loneliness I was experiencing, she told me how she was addressing her need during her time in this blessed city, and advised me to do the same. She told me that in every step she took during her pilgrimage, she would fervently make du'aa to Allah, asking Him to Bless her with another child. She said she did this during tawaaf, between Safaa and Marwa, everywhere she went, she reminded herself to make this du'aa, and she suggested that I implore Allah in a similar manner. I left the sister's hotel room, with a spring in my step, on a similar mission.
Everywhere I went, I begged Allah to Bless me with a husband: 'Oh Allah Grant me a husband who is a haafidh,' 'Oh Allah, Bless me with a husband who loves knowledge and is actively seeking it,' 'Oh Allah, Bless me with a husband who is willing to give up his life in Your Path.'
I didn't want to return home, to live the unfulfilling and empty life I felt I had been living, and poured these feelings out in my prayers, crying my heart out every step of the way.
When I returned to South Africa, I received a call from a relative, who told me she wanted to introduce me to a brother who had memorized the Qur'aan and who was actively studying the Deen. Excited that Allah had answered my prayers, I immediately agreed to the introduction. Well, I met the brother, I prayed Salaatul Istikhaarah, and you know what? I didn't end up marrying him.
After three years of not having being introduced to marital prospects, after Hajj I suddenly found myself inundated with calls from friends and family eager for me to meet brothers they felt I would be compatible with. I met them all. And I did not end up married to any of them.
You see, our Merciful Rabb was showing me that the time wasn't quite right for me to marry, that though there were hundreds of brothers in the world who possessed the criteria I was looking for, they were not necessarily the marriage partners He had destined for me, nor was the time right for me to marry. When the time was appropriate for me to marry, in His Divine Estimate, not in my limited understanding thereof, He would bring the right person into my life.
Uplifted by this realization, I re-motivated myself, and re-channeled my energy. I continued making du'aa for marriage yes, and I didn't stop making an effort towards meeting prospective husbands, but it was no longer the obsession it had become, the yardstick by which I had measured fulfillment. I sought fulfillment in other ways, immersing myself in teaching Islam to women and teenage girls, publishing Islamic reading material, working for Islamic radio stations and engaging in other forms of da'wah.
You're probably waiting for the part where I tell you about my happy ending – that, a few years later I met the man who had everything I wanted and more, and we got married and lived happily ever after.
But dear sister, influenced by the West, we attach different meanings to concepts which Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala has already defined, in the Qur'aan and through the teachings of Rasoolullaah sallallahu alayhi wassallam. Happiness doesn't start and end with getting the guy you want and living a life of bliss with him. Happiness is about passing the tests we are faced with in this world, remaining firm on our faith in spite of these tests and presenting ourselves to Allah on the Day of Qiyaamah, rich in good deeds. I did get married, yes. But again, it didn't work out.
So I'm living the 'single life' again. And dear sister, it isn't half as bad as people sometimes make it out to be.
Of course I want to get married again. And if anyone out there is unmarried, of course, you too, should want to marry and make an effort in this respect. For did not the Rasool of Allah Sallallahu alayhi wassallam tell us, 'Marriage is a sunnah (way) of mine, and whoever does not follow my Sunnah is not of my followers. Get married because I will display your outnumbering the other nations on the Day of Resurrection. Whoever has wealth should get married, and whoever does not should fast, because fasting is a restraint (of desire) for him.' (Ibn Maajah, authenticated by Al-Albaanee)
And this beautiful union has undeniable benefits. Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala has told us in the Qur'aan: 'And among His signs is that He created for you, from yourselves, spouses that you may dwell (in joy and security) unto them, and He set between you love and mercy; surely in that are signs for those who reflect.' (Surah Ar-Room 30:21)
And: 'They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them.' (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187)
But having said that, we have to remember that just like marriage is an integral part of faith, so too is exercising trust and patience in the decree of Allah.
People may say that you and I are not married because we are too fussy, or difficult to get along with, etc. etc. and perhaps we can analyze what they are saying and if we conclude that they are correct, then we can work hard towards rectifying that aspect of our character for the Pleasure of Allah. But having done that, we have to realize, that ultimately, we are not married because Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala has Willed for us to be single at this point in time.
Now we have a choice. Either we can lose sleep over it, beat ourselves up every day, and feel really sorry for ourselves. Or we can recognize that the time we have on our hands is a gift from Allah, an amaanah, not to be wasted in counter-productive thoughts and futile tears and fears.
And we can start spending this time beneficially, by engaging in activities which our married sisters might not always be able to enjoy: seeking knowledge, being active in da'wah, volunteering our time to organizations which serve the poor and aged, spending quality time with our parents, babysitting for our married friends so they can spend some time engaging in these activities, the list goes on and on.
And this my dear sister, is how the single life should be lived. If Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala Wills, somewhere in the midst of living and reveling in the joy and fulfillment such a life brings, Mr. Right will come along. And if he doesn't, so what? Perhaps he will be waiting for you in Jannah, a reward for the patience you exercised in this transient world!
Being unmarried undeniably comes with its challenges, just like marriage does. But it isn't the end of the world. And it shouldn't be. So get up, take a deep breath, hand this affair over to Allah, and start living the life He has given you!
As for singles, they have no excuse to not marry. To say it is not for me, no one is made for me, or i hate marriage, or i can live happily without marraige or any other excuse for that matter; to say such things and shy away from marriage is not part of Sunnah.
Allahuma urzuqni zawjah/zawj taqiyah naqiyah baarah wari3ah tukrimuni fee deeni wa dunyay walaa tu' theeni fee deeni wa dunyay
Oh Allah grant me a wife/husband who is pious, pure, virtuous, devout, who will be generous to me in this world and the next and who will not harm me in this world and the next.
اللهم ارزقني زوجة تقية نقية بارة ورعة تكرمني في ديني ودنياي ولا تؤذيني في دينيولا دنياي
Romanticism is sweet when you are a teenager and idealistic..
Your post made me really sad because it's true. I will never experience this, since I'm too old now. Whenever I think about it I feel tremendous guilt and regret. I also feel ashamed, since we shouldn't focus so much on certain pleasures in life as Muslims. Perhaps my imaan is still too weak.
i just wanted 2 say how inspiring sister Hafsah's post is, it provides a comfort deep within 2 someone like me who is always told im going to end up lonely with no1...but i have come 2 accept that maybe allah swt wants me 2 experience this loneliness so i can appreciate things i had taken for granted and i shudnt fear when will be the right time 4 me or if i will ever b ready..i should trust that allah swt will do the best for me...thank you sister Hafsah your post has encouraged me to do this.
excuse me for my honesty i found this post of no inspiration what so ever i am actually surprised of some of the replies the sisters gave also which kinda gave me goosebumps..
i believe that a woman should be married before she goes to the grave. why? well because you cannot live a single life you will end up doing zina. you can not be to picky with potential's your whole life either. this sister got married and divorced twice whoah!! i hope she got divorced for the right reasons.. divorce is not something encouraged and to live a single life is certainly not something encouraged either!
could someone back me up here or is it just me who feels this strongly about it..
It's great advice to those who haven't been able to get married. In the Arab world, they say marriage is rizq (sustenance) and like any sustenance, it is from Allah and you will get it when and if Allah wills. Like you can't ask someone why they aren't married. They'll say it is in naseeb (fate) and you shouldn't ask questions like that. I think that's a good thing. I sometimes wonder what to say if someone asks me that question. Some can say I was studying. Some can say I was working, building my career. The only answer I've got is I couldn't find anyone right uptill now, lol.
It's a bit sad though, and it does make me sad. And reading stuff like this article is really uplifting.
Your post made me really sad because it's true. I will never experience this, since I'm too old now. Whenever I think about it I feel tremendous guilt and regret. I also feel ashamed, since we shouldn't focus so much on certain pleasures in life as Muslims. Perhaps my imaan is still too weak.
you move in from idealism to cultivation. Each age in life has its own perks and its own fruits or flowers.. some thrive in the summer, some in winter, some are nocturnal. Surely Allah swt must love variety for we are incredibly varied and have different needs, different intellects, different desires, different roads.. you won't experience the idealism and caprice of the teenage yrs maybe that is true, but you'll have something better insha'Allah..
Don't you know that folks enter into paradise at the age of 33.. not 16, not 24.. but in the thirties the mind and the looks are fully cultured and bodied by then.. anyone who tells you otherwise is just a teenager
format_quote Originally Posted by alcurad
actually I'd say it is natural, hey it's never too late, I mean life can be enjoyed regardless of age.
I second that indeed.. a man of a few words which I felt we should expound on..
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
We have to think originally, Allah (SWT) created Adam and Eve (Man and Woman together), what does this tell you? There is no way for Man to be single life or Woman to be lonely life.
I would say, this sister got many offers from brothers but rejected it. She make her own decision. I don't know what she is still looking for in many single life.
Marriage is blessed, I encourage everyone should get married in avoiding temptation, depression, lonely, sad, down, no beautiful kids, etc.
Well, I was married myself in short time, unfortunately, it didn't work out well, my ex-spouse left me for no good reason at all. I realize it was maybe written in my destiny, it help me to be strong person, positive and focus on my Imaan. I had fully trust in Allah (Subhana Wa Taa'la) and his best planner than mine.
After separation, I was amazed that I received alot of good news in many countless things such as loan forgiving, new job, car, travel, take care of my parents, many smiles on my face. I see differences.
It is due to Allah, The most Gracious and the Most Merciful, Ameen.
"When the Qur'an is read, Listen to it with attention, And hold your peace: That ye may receive Mercy" ~ 7:204
"Then do ye remember Me; I will remember You. Be grateful to Me, And reject not Faith. ~ 2:152
Although it adresses to a sister I was inspired by the post.It made me feel really good as I am not financially ready to think about marriage seriously.Inshallah everyone finds their Mr\Mrs. Right one day.
"The past is history the future is mystery, Its today which counts, something like that."
Marrage is the Prophet's way and the Prophets way we obey
Thank you for the story because some people, such as me,have to support their families and cannot get marrried. The only thing that sadenss me is that I can't follow the sunna. But, I think that, in order to achieve jennah, one must suffer and strive a lot.I think, that who ever is living a smooth life needs to go to jihad or something.
I would say, this sister got many offers from brothers but rejected it. She make her own decision. I don't know what she is still looking for in many single life.
lol i hope that wasn't directed to me! couldn't really tell. Actually most men/their families i came across were very materialistic, wanting money, a working wife, not interested in religion, not practicing well, didn't have knowledge of religion, weren't even happy that i wore hijab/niqab which tends to hinder my ability to work, etc. Not the kind of guy I want.
Another problem nowadays is that some ppl don't even properly propose. Like they'd give hints that they are interested, but don't actually ask, probably expecting the woman/her family to propose to him but that doesn't really work imo. I think women would rarely propose to a guy because that's culturally unaccepted. If a guy can't get the courage to propose, then how can he expect a woman to do it?
If a guy wants to marry someone, he should properly propose, speak to her family and tell her about himself, get to know each other / each other's family & then proceed to get engaged and married. And he shouldn't expect the woman's family to move things forward! That's a real put off. It only tells her he isn't interested.
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