would it scare off a bro?

format_quote Originally Posted by Yanoorah

but I don't like it wen some people pretend to be all girly wirly shy, giggly..n act all Fakey..a lil bit of a backbone wud go a long way. Be strong, no need to appear weak in the eyes of men!

No offence

just imagining that is made me feel disgusting
it went soo meaningless when someone fake it.

but to be honest....I feel like finding a shy girl is something hard these days...Unfortunately
and if u were really a shy girl you got some useless comments by others that u are out of place and you are an old fashioned girl
dont know whats wrong with those people

awwwwwwww @ her being shy.
Did she blush?

Good thread.

I don't have a problem with a sister that is bashful. Now, what you're describing in my opinion is a level above that as I understand it, and borderline timidness.

And my reasoning is that Allaah in the Qur'an described one of the two women from Madyan who Musa (alayhis salam) helped out in getting the water from the well as bashful and having shyness.
{Then one of the two women came to him walking with shyness.}[al-Qasas; 25]
The Tafsir says that she walked like a free woman, with the proper covering and all obviously. As I understand it, she was confident, yet had shyness, i.e. there was a balance between the two. And what happens after?
{She said, "Indeed, my father invites you that he may reward you for having watered for us."}[al-Qasas; 25]

My point is that, this is proper shyness and adab and hayaa'. She spoke to him straightforward and she said her father is inviting him not herself. This is shyness in the proper way.

The way the brother described the sister in the first post, it gave me an impression of a sister who mumbles, mutters and squeaks. That's not modesty... That inconfidence and utterly pathetic.

That's exactly what I understood from it too. There's a difference between shyness and not being able to articulate yourself.

But if a girl is not shy by nature( like me for example), it doesn't mean that she's not modest. Modesty can be portrayed in various ways, not only in speech. And let's say she is not shy in speech, this doesn't mean she's ..erm..what's the word i'm looking for...ostentatious/immodest. It simply means she is a good public speaker, it does not mean she talks too much/about unimportant things,she might simply know how to answer and keep a conversation going when required.

Exactly. Shyness isn't only in speech. Shyness is part of who someone is and people are of different levels. It can show up in different ways, for some it shows up in speech, others in actions, and others elsewhere. As long she has modesty in whatever she does, then her personality type (such as bubbly or shy) is secondary.

And going back to the original point of this thread, for myself it's a case by case thing. At the same time, I mean if I went to a sister and I see her as a potential spouse for me, I would expect her to be able to speak to me and converse freely. I'd want her to be able to hold a conversation with me. Firstly, this is a life changing decision in the process, and being quiet or hardly speaking through it is hardly helpful! And also, I mean, I haven't kept myself from speaking unnecessarily to women all this time only so as to have to face the same from my wife after marriage!

and also, what you-as a bro- advice us shy sisters how to handle it and be relaxed and talk to him, not just answer his questions.

Be yourself. Be who you are. What you're doing in that meeting is halal. Brother's are there to talk to you because they already think you have what they're looking for in a spouse and you're there because you think the same about them, so don't sell yourself short. That's what brothers, or myself at least, would expect and want to see: genuineness. You're not going into that meeting like you would for a job interview or to discuss some business prospect. Be genuine. From what I know, during these meetings you're allowed to make a joke and laugh and be chilled (obviously with obvious limitations) and show your personality. Brothers love a sense of humor, and if you have one, show it. We want our wives to have a great personality, deen wise and dunya wise. Talk about what's important to you, what you like, what you don't like etc. Don't be shy; it's normal to be nervous because the other party's just as nervous as you are. Then when you're discussing serious matters, be serious. Just open up and speak. You're a making life long decision here and it's really not worth being silent because you feel shy, because in reality that isn't shyness, it's lack of confidence in yourself. You can have hayaa' and still speak properly and confidently.

format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude

That's rather insulting. Did you know that the Prophet Musa Alaihe Salam used to be a shy man and that he'd have trouble articulating himself at times? I know you wouldn't dare call him pathetic.

bro,

That's a completely different point.

The reason Musa (alayhis salam) had trouble speaking (initially) was because he had a lisp.

His lisp was a result of an incident when he was presented a date and a hot coal stone and he placed the coal on his tongue instead of the date. A detailed explanation of this story is forthcoming in the following chapters. However, he did not ask Allah to remove this affliction all together. Rather, he asked for removal of his stammering so the people would understand what he intended in his speech. He was only asking for what was necessary to deliver his message. If he had asked for the removal of his affliction in its entirety, it would have been cured for him. However, the Prophets do not ask for any more than what is required.
Tafsir ibn Kathir

If Musa (alayhis salam) had trouble speaking to people due to his shyness, how could he ever have been able to speak to the greatest tyrant in human history, Firawn? That too in front of all his nobles? And then on the day of the Magicians?

The shyness of Musa (alayhis salam) manifested itself in his dressing. The Hadeeth regarding that is in al-Bukhari where the Prophet (salalahu 'alayhi wa sallam) said: "Musa, peace be upon him, was a shy and modest man who would never show anything of his skin because of his shyness." This is why he was annoyed by his followers and then Allaah cleared him from what they claimed about him.

format_quote Originally Posted by Yanal

^ she will start opening up soon inshAllah.

yeah thats more like it. i mean the first meeting would probs freak me out. but as time went on and i got used to him, etc then it would be alot easier, no doubt.

format_quote Originally Posted by Proudly_Muslim

What if she was the opposite, not forward or anything, but able to keep the conversation going, being at ease? would that have the opposite effect?

good qn. would that also scare a bro off?

format_quote Originally Posted by The Ruler

That's not modesty... That inconfidence and utterly pathetic.

yeah right ok! is there a need for the insults

That's just confidence, boke.

i would consider that arrogance

format_quote Originally Posted by houda~

And if you're a bro...if she is shy, my best advice would be to wait. She will,in the end, open up. It might take some time but insh'Allah if you can truly imagine her as a future life partner then she is worth the wait. Once she sees your face a few times she'll be more at ease im sure. Try to ask her simple questions which require more than a yes or no. Example: So, what do you study? her:*answers* youh,that seems interesting, why did you choose that?

Alright I hope I was of help, good luck!!!

agreed. great advice

format_quote Originally Posted by transition?

awwwwwwww @ her being shy.
Did she blush?

im a sister :'(

format_quote Originally Posted by Abu Sayyad

And going back to the original point of this thread, for myself it's a case by case thing. At the same time, I mean if I went to a sister and I see her as a potential spouse for me, I would expect her to be able to speak to me and converse freely.

even tho its your first meeting with her and hers with any bro. i mean you wouldn't get it that she may not speak up so confidently, etc considering she more or less hasnt spoke to any other guy before?

I'd want her to be able to hold a conversation with me. Firstly, this is a life changing decision in the process, and being quiet or hardly speaking through it is hardly helpful! And also, I mean, I haven't kept myself from speaking unnecessarily to women all this time only so as to have to face the same from my wife after marriage!

okay khier. but what if she was like that at only the first meeting or something. how can you know that she wont change as she got to know you better.

im assuming here you mean that your judging her after only one meeting?

Be yourself. Be who you are. What you're doing in that meeting is halal. Brother's are there to talk to you because they already think you have what they're looking for in a spouse and you're there because you think the same about them, so don't sell yourself short.

ok thank you, thats what i needed to know lol

That's what brothers, or myself at least, would expect and want to see: genuineness.

u know, thats what scares me. i want to be genuine and all. but i fear what if the bro is really good, and he sees/hears something form me that'll scare him off

Then when you're discussing serious matters, be serious. Just open up and speak.

even tho its your first meeting with her and hers with any bro. i mean you wouldn't get it that she may not speak up so confidently, etc considering she more or less hasnt spoke to any other guy before?

Hmm but still. She should be able to speak after the first 10 minutes or so..she knows why she's there. Like I said, I don't have a problem with her being bashful, that's awesome. But I don't want her to be someone who's too scared to speak and converse with me.

okay khier. but what if she was like that at only the first meeting or something. how can you know that she wont change as she got to know you better.

im assuming here you mean that your judging her after only one meeting?

First impressions usually make a quite an impression. Like I said, it's case by case. I won't decide after the first meeting, but it would influence what I think.

u know, thats what scares me. i want to be genuine and all. but i fear what if the bro is really good, and he sees/hears something form me that'll scare him off

You can't let that happen though. Anything you keep under, that's important to you, will eventually surface. It's better it surfaces before you're married rather than after. There are a lot of good brothers out there, you'll find the right one Insha'Allaah.

format_quote Originally Posted by Alpha Dude

Still, it is quite insulting to refer to it as being pathetic.

I guess calling it pathetic was going too far.

I believe generally that a woman that is unnecessarily 'bubbly' in speech (and that's what I meant by what I said in the above quote) is more likely to be talked to and approached by guys in her day to day life (be it at work, uni etc) and it would be hard for her to not talk to them, just because she is talkative by nature. One thing leads to another and boom, she has made 'friends' with guys and is now bound to talk to them whenever they're around (despite how bad she must feel about it).

I respectfully disagree. If she has modesty, then that pretty much seals the deal, she won't cross the lines. If she is bubbly or confident, yet has modesty she'll say to the guys "I don't free mix with men" and going further she'll refuse to shake hands etc. I do agree with the whole "lil-miss-know-it-all" (can't stand that), but that's just at one extreme, just like timidness is the other extreme. Anything between the two is perfectly fine as long as it's accompanied by modesty. Don't forget that our mother Khadija r.a. used to run her own business and she hired the Messenger (salalahu 'alayhi wa sallam) and she was the one that initiated the proposal to him. It was done with modesty and in the proper way, though some people (especially back home) would think that if a woman proposes she has no shyness and is open and easy.

Lol, it's unlikely that she's going to stay quiet her whole life with you. Shy people tend to open up once they get to know someone better and since you'd be the most important person in her life, I'm pretty sure she'd have loads to say.

Yeah thats true. But there are some that are really shy, even around their husbands from what I've heard and seen in my own family. Maybe it's just me, but I prefer someone who can interact with me at all levels..

format_quote Originally Posted by Yanoorah

Shyness is good, but I don't like it wen some people pretend to be all girly wirly shy, giggly..n act all Fakey..a lil bit of a backbone wud go a long way. Be strong, no need to appear weak in the eyes of men!

No offence

oh yeah, girls like that nauseate me

format_quote Originally Posted by Yanal

Maybe she should bring her mother?

i dont think she should at all i mean her not being able to speak is something, but getting her mother to for, is something else. i mean he's not marrying her mum now, is he

besides, would her mother be even allowed to sit with him...i mean he's a non-mahram right?