Broken engagement...what do i do now?

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-11-2009

I have been engaged since last July to a man overseas. My family and i were told they were a good family etc. I spoke to him on the phone with the permission of my parents and i thought i could have a good life with him. He didnt drink or smoke and most of his family was religious.

Things started to deteriorate badly when his aunt and her daughter who live nearby meddled. Its ironic because his aunt set us up.
I dont want to write the whole story but ill give you a short version.

He refuses to have a wedding. My father wants to give me away with a party so i asked him if he will at least do the traditional picking up of the bride we albanians do. He refuses to even do that.

His aunts daughter dis respects me all the time, even in public. He keeps saying its my fault even though i have done nothing to deserve her disrespect.
He says terrible things on the phone to me and all i have done is cried and cried.

I grew up my whole life listening to my parents. I never went clubbing i have never drank alcohol. I never disobeyed my parents and i always strived to be a good muslim. I thought he was a good muslim as well but the things he has said to me, even in regards to my level of devotion to Islam have just hurt me so badly.
My parents know everything and they were even present when my fiance said certain things to me (he did not know they could hear him).
My parents and my brothers are behind me in my decision.

But i am so afraid. I am so afraid that no one will want me now because of this. Im afraid that maybe i might have done something wrong that i cant even remember and im being punished for it now.
I dont understand, and i dont know what to do. I have prayed that if this was meant to be and it is good for this marriage to happen, for it to happen. But if it is not good, then for it to end sooner than later.

I feel so depressed and heart broken. I am so ashamed and worst of all i feel like i let my parents down.

**crayon** · 03-11-2009

Hun, from the sounds of it, you're way better off without him. Perhaps this is a blessing from Allah? I mean, if this guy is like this during the engagement period, when most people are head over heels, all sweet and caring, what was he going to be like a year into the marriage, or 5, or 10?

You know who you are, and you know what kind of person you are, don't let anything anyone says get to you.

And you said yourself that you prayed if there was good to come from this marriage, for it to happen. If it's over, then it probably was bad.

Don't feel like you've let your parents down, I'm sure that's not the case AT ALL. Your parents want you to be happy, that's their number one objective. How is breaking off an engagement letting them down? I'm sure they'd much rather you be happy now, than suffer later on because you're in a marriage you don't want to be in.

If "no one will want you" because of this silly thing, then they're not worth having you to begin with.

**Whatsthepoint** · 03-11-2009

you're Albanian, I have a question for you.
Are you familiar with the words "shoti mori, shoti shoti mashala".

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-11-2009

Thank you that means a lot to hear
this is all just so frightening

whatthepoint, i recognize those words but ive never heard them like that

**Erundur** · 03-11-2009

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

I grew up my whole life listening to my parents. I never went clubbing i have never drank alcohol. I never disobeyed my parents and i always strived to be a good muslim.

Alhamdulilah, that is very good to hear.

I thought he was a good muslim as well but the things he has said to me, even in regards to my level of devotion to Islam have just hurt me so badly.

Sometimes, when you think you know person, they do a 180 and act completely different without notice.

Have you ever asked him why he does this?

My parents know everything and they were even present when my fiance said certain things to me (he did not know they could hear him). My parents and my brothers are behind me in my decision.

Your parents and brothers are behind you so I do not see how you have let them down, you've tried to talk to him, and be respectful to him and his family from what you are telling. So I do not see the point of staying with someone who most likely from what you have typed, will abuse you in the relationship, this is why its the engagement period so if things don't work out nothing has happened and you are still able to find another suitable partner for yourself.

But i am so afraid. I am so afraid that no one will want me now

If someone already wanted you, then someone else will also. Your modesty is still protected, and if someone can not see past there own cultural standards then sister, then those brothers do not have the right have you as their wife. Pray to Allah (swt) for he knows whats best for us, do not put yourself down and think no one will want you, this is the best time for shayateen to come and spread wickedness around your period of distraught.

because of this. Im afraid that maybe i might have done something wrong that i cant even remember and im being punished for it now.

If you have done something wrong, then he hasn't manned up and told you whats his problem, I see him acting nothing more than a child really.

I dont understand, and i dont know what to do. I have prayed that if this was meant to be and it is good for this marriage to happen, for it to happen. But if it is not good, then for it to end sooner than later.

Have faith in Allah (swt) he always helps those in need.

I feel so depressed and heart broken.

Love is a weird thing never really understood it meself

but continue the path of being a good muslim and everything else will fall into place.

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-11-2009

thank you these words are very comforting
im trying to be strong it will take some time but i can make it i hope

**Zahida** · 03-11-2009

Move on.............. He wasn't meant to be the one you married. Allah knows best and maybe even though you may feel hurt and upset right now, maybe Allah has removed from your life that which was not good for you. Ameen:thankyou:

**Whatsthepoint** · 03-11-2009

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

Thank you that means a lot to hear
this is all just so frightening

whatthepoint, i recognize those words but ive never heard them like that

How did you hear them? What do they mean?

**Fahiima** · 03-12-2009

asc sis

I am really sorry about happen to you. I am new to the webside I would like to send u private message and tell u something but i have to have 50 post. If you able to send me message do that I would like to share similar story with you.r

Be strong sister. Allah knows what is the best for you. Put all your trust in allah

**coddles76** · 03-12-2009

I will just share some words from Allah SWT and hope that it will ease your heart. These types of things are hard to get through emotionally but do realise sister that if something was meant to be, there is nothing that anybody can do to stop it and if something wasn't meant to be there is nothing you or anybody can do to make it happen. I hope you find what truly makes you happy, If you please Allah SWT then Allah SWT will NEVER let you down, Make sure you know that for a fact. So firstly and most importantly try to please Allah SWT cause trying to please anybody other then Allah SWT is when you will find things are going to fall apart, And if that means being strong and telling this Person to either accept you as you are or nothing then so be it, if he is a true muslim he will realise what he should be doing to please Allah SWT also.

[Quran 2:216]"But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not"

**-Elle-** · 03-12-2009

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

I have been engaged since last July to a man overseas. My family and i were told they were a good family etc. I spoke to him on the phone with the permission of my parents and i thought i could have a good life with him. He didnt drink or smoke and most of his family was religious.

Things started to deteriorate badly when his aunt and her daughter who live nearby meddled. Its ironic because his aunt set us up.
I dont want to write the whole story but ill give you a short version.

He refuses to have a wedding. My father wants to give me away with a party so i asked him if he will at least do the traditional picking up of the bride we albanians do. He refuses to even do that.

His aunts daughter dis respects me all the time, even in public. He keeps saying its my fault even though i have done nothing to deserve her disrespect.
He says terrible things on the phone to me and all i have done is cried and cried.

I grew up my whole life listening to my parents. I never went clubbing i have never drank alcohol. I never disobeyed my parents and i always strived to be a good muslim. I thought he was a good muslim as well but the things he has said to me, even in regards to my level of devotion to Islam have just hurt me so badly.
My parents know everything and they were even present when my fiance said certain things to me (he did not know they could hear him).
My parents and my brothers are behind me in my decision.

But i am so afraid. I am so afraid that no one will want me now because of this. Im afraid that maybe i might have done something wrong that i cant even remember and im being punished for it now.
I dont understand, and i dont know what to do. I have prayed that if this was meant to be and it is good for this marriage to happen, for it to happen. But if it is not good, then for it to end sooner than later.

I feel so depressed and heart broken. I am so ashamed and worst of all i feel like i let my parents down.

The advice given has been quite wonderful, and i will try to add to it...Sis, know that everything that happens happens for a reason, and insh'Allah this is for the best, trust me. Sometimes Allah (Swt) seems to take away something, but Allah(Swt) is in fact giving you something, vice-versa. What this means is that, maybe, by having this headache now, you are preventing future, more hurtful heartaches with this man...Ignore the hurtful things he has said, who is he to judge you? you know yourself better than anyone else, and Allah(Swt) is witness to your actions and intentions, so don't pay any mind to empty words from a man who seemed to only want to hurt you with them.

In the end we're all human, so its normal to feel pain, just take your time, and your family seems to truly love you, so find comfort in them, they only wants whats best for you.

best of luck.

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-12-2009

Thank you all.

I appreciate the kind words and they are indeed comforting.

How do i deal with people second guessing my decision? I know that in my heart even if he apologizes and turns around to acting the way he did before the engagement first began, he will only do so for a short while before something else causes him to say these things to me. Every time something happens that he dislikes he throws everything in my face and blames it on me and i am thousands of miles away!

I know in my heart, in my gut, in my head, that i will have only heartache with this man if i married him. I asked Allah(swt) guidance and i am praying that this too shall pass and leave me as minimally scathed as possible.

**Yanal** · 03-12-2009

Dear sister
You should ask what the reason to not have a wedding legally? If your father agrees to give him without a proper halal wedding then he will rob you and the police will say you have no proof of your wedding so why live with a man who doesn't want to marry you in the halal way or even marry you? If you have a baby it will be illegal and everyone will taunt you because of it. Please think about it and every aspect or point of view on this delicate situation.
Doctor Y

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-12-2009

Im not sure what you are trying to say brother?

He is refusing me a wedding, but not the marriage. He wants the marriage to happen. No wedding or gifts or anything of the sort that is normally done.

The thing is they claim its financial reasons. But his parents take month long vacations all the time. Theyre house and their clothes tell a different story.

**coddles76** · 03-12-2009

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

Im not sure what you are trying to say brother?

He is refusing me a wedding, but not the marriage. He wants the marriage to happen. No wedding or gifts or anything of the sort that is normally done.

The thing is they claim its financial reasons. But his parents take month long vacations all the time. Theyre house and their clothes tell a different story.

Sister I don't think you should be judging anybody on what they wear or own. Really when it comes down to it you should be judging this man on his actions, his religious attitude, how he treats you andn what he expects from his marriage to you, not anything more or less. If he fears Allah SWT there is not reason to fear him. If he has decided not to have a wedding then kindly ask him to atleast have a small relgious celebration at home with your family and his then get on with your lives by fulfilling half the faith on getting married. Marriage should not be that complicated, you either both want the same things and work together to achieve them or go on your seperate ways both striving to please Allah SWT. Remember that he may be your husband one day and he has a right also that you will obey him in the future. It goes both ways and each one of you plays a role in ultimately pleasing Allah SWT.

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-12-2009

I am not judging his character based on his clothes. you misunderstood me.
I said that he told me they cant afford to do ANYTHING, yet they can afford fancy clothes and vacations.

He refused me ANY type of wedding. He refused to even come pick me up from my fathers celebration that my father planned to throw for me.

There has been no tragedy in his family. He can afford it. He simply does not want to do anything. He also gave me trouble about papers, everything came down to papers, papers, papers.

**Intisar** · 03-12-2009

You deserve better sister, you are not in need of him so just leave him insha'Allaah. He will only get worse if you actually do decide to get married to him. I mean, he won't respect you over the phone and he won't even respect your culture? For your sake, and for the sake of your eeman, do not marry this brother. You can do better sister, you really can, don't sell yourself short insha'Allaah.

And if he gives you that ''I've changed'' talk (:rolleyes

, don't listen to it at all. Just move on and find someone else.

May Allaah make matters easy on you inshaAllaah and grant you a spouse who is respectful of you and positively effects your eeman in a way in which Allaah swt will reward the both of you.

**coddles76** · 03-12-2009

Originally Posted by AlbanianMuslim

I am not judging his character based on his clothes. you misunderstood me.
I said that he told me they cant afford to do ANYTHING, yet they can afford fancy clothes and vacations.

He refused me ANY type of wedding. He refused to even come pick me up from my fathers celebration that my father planned to throw for me.

There has been no tragedy in his family. He can afford it. He simply does not want to do anything. He also gave me trouble about papers, everything came down to papers, papers, papers.

Sister, I'm not accusing you of judging, it was just sincere advice and a reminder not to make decisions and judgement on any materilistic objects. What you should be making judgement in his level of faith and fear of his creator. Thats were you concentration should be focused on, do not focus on anything else but his level of faith. If you find there are faults in that area then make your judgement based on that. If you feel he will be no good for you or your religion then seeks Allah SWT protection from it and move on. If you feel his religious faith is strong but he communicated to you that he has no Financial ability to have a wedding then I see no harm in that, because Allah SWT will bless him in his religious duties. I hope I've helped and I wish you all the best in your decisions.

Allah SWT knows best!

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-12-2009

Thank you sister! thank you so much, im glad to have read your post.

(question, i have applied many times for the sisters section, but never approved? do i have to have a certain number of posts?)

**AlbanianMuslim** · 03-12-2009

Originally Posted by coddles76

Sister, I'm not accusing you of judging, it was just sincere advice and a reminder not to make decisions and judgement on any materilistic objects. What you should be making judgement in his level of faith and fear of his creator. Thats were you concentration should be focused on, do not focus on anything else but his level of faith. If you find there are faults in that area then make your judgement based on that. If you feel he will be no good for you or your religion then seeks Allah SWT protection from it and move on. If you feel his religious faith is strong but he communicated to you that he has no Financial ability to have a wedding then I see no harm in that, because Allah SWT will bless him in his religious duties. I hope I've helped and I wish you all the best in your decisions.

Allah SWT knows best!

Ahh i see what your saying and you are right.
When i went to see him with my father, his faith was weak and it bothered me quite a bit. He even tried to convince me to sleep at his home even though we are not married.

I dont want to be with a person who does not respect the religious rules that are set for us Muslims, rules that protect us.