The Polygamist Fantasy And The Distressing Of Sisters

**Ibn Abi Ahmed** · 09-28-2009

Br. AbdelRahman Murphy hits the nail on the head:

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The Polygamist Fantasy And The Distressing Of Sisters

Guest post by AbdelRahman Murphy

One night, during a conference that I went to in the summer, my wife and I had a conversation about the day’s events. One topic in our conversation that came up was the issue of American-Muslims and the struggle of marriage.

Earlier in the day, during his session, one of the lecturers asked for a quick show of hands as to how many people in the audience were married. Being a newly-inducted member into this (seemingly) exclusive group, I raised my hand and took a glance around the room, expecting to see a good number of brothers and sisters with their arms in the air. To my concern, the amount of raised hands in the was less than 20 - out of the 130 people in the room, approximately 110 of them were not married (as a piece of information to help paint the picture, the majority in the room was sisters).

As my wife and I discussed this odd phenomenon of young, practicing, Muslim singles remaining single, I asked the stereotypically male question, “Why are there so many unmarried people here? You would think that with such a large quantity of actively-Muslim Muslims that there would be a high percentage of brothers and sisters that were hitched.”

My wife shrugged, “Not sure, and it’s not like they don’t want to get married, a lot of the sisters I’ve met are looking for a husband.” And then it dawned on me - the proverbial apple had dropped from Isaac’s tree and struck me on the head, pulling to the forefront of my mind, an amazing idea: “Why don’t the brothers and sisters here who are unmarried just marry each other!” It was so simple! I was on my way to becoming the matchmaker of the century, and had already began imagining my acceptance speech as the new president of Practimate.com.

“Pfft,” she said.

“Pfft? Is that such a terrible idea? We have two groups of unmarried people here, is it so hard to imagine that there would be some marriage-matches amongst them?”

“It’s possible - if the guys act like men.”

Whoa! Where was this coming from? The brothers I’d met during my time at the conference were, masha Allah, rising stars of dawah in America. The level of knowledge that was to be seen on the Y-chromosome side of the classroom was admirable, and I felt lucky to be a part of the group. Surely, brothers who were actively racing towards gaining knowledge from their teachers had passed the proverbial gate of maturation into manhood!

“Act like men? Huh?”

“The sisters would be interested, if they noticed any guys who would act mature. The main complaint I’m hearing on the girls’ side is that the guys aren’t acting like candidates that the girls would be interested in. For example, today when the shaykh mentioned the phrase “second wife,” the brothers started giggling and high-ﬁving like...boys! Just watch for the next couple of days and tell me what you think.”

And so the Achilles heel of the situation was revealed; the sisters’ allergic reaction to polygamist tendencies.

I had decided to take my wife up on her suggestion and keep an eye on the personalities of the brothers as a group, particular when any topic of marriage was discussed, monogamist or polygamist.

Surely enough, as the days went on, I noticed precisely what my wife was saying. At any point during the seminar when any word or phrase that had a relation to having one or more than one wife was mentioned, there would be at least a small group of brothers who would make a smart comment, completing their ritualistic statements with some sort of testosterone-ﬁlled body gesture, whether it be a ﬁst-pump, a high ﬁve, or simply a ﬁst raised in the air (as though on an Olympic medal podium of the 1948 summer games). And then it dawned on me, as did many things in this blessed past year of marriage, the perspective from the “other” side. My wife had shed some light on the situation from the point of view of the sisters, and, as a public service (read: sadaqah jaariyah), I’d like to share some advices in regards to that utopian vision many of you may have.

Be Real

For those of you who are single, a quick math refresher: you have to have one before you can have two! It’s fine if you genuinely and truly want more than one wife in this life (for the right reasons) - some guys do, and are actively looking for it. But realize that you, single brother, haven’t even experienced what marriage is like, yet. You haven’t felt the responsibility of maintaining a wife and a family - it is quite a handful, though the work doesn’t mean it’s not enjoyable. See if you can handle having one wife first, insha Allah, before you decide that having two is a piece of cake. Who knows, you may find the allure of having multiple wives not so strong when you get married for the first (and probably only) time.

It’s Hurting Your Game

Now, since we’ve established that getting married is a goal for you, brother, maybe taking a look at how these actions of pseudo polygamist rhetoric affect your standing with the sisters could give you some insight into how to ﬁx your problem of involuntary singularity. As this article is bluntly stating, most sisters don’t enjoy the thought of their potential spouse scoping out their wedding for wife numero dos. If you’re serious about carrying out this particular Sunnah for your own personal reasons, then seek out sisters who are predisposed to accepting it as your lifestyle. But if you’re just doing it because the dream excites you or makes you feel “macho,” then drop the gig, because it’s not helping you, and is actually hurting your chances for finding Sr. Right.

Read the rest here: http://muslimmatters.org/2009/09/28/...ng-of-sisters/

**Alim Apprentice** · 11-01-2009

The immaturity amongst brothers do exist. Even if they are not serious about having another wife, joking about it shows how lightly they take the feelings of sisters. Its easy for brothers to act this way because they'd never have to worry about being in a situation where they could be neglected. Doesn't Islam teach us to respect women?

Convert, I don't know why you were insulted by that article

It highlights a real issue about how sisters feel, and its something that should be brought into into attention. You admit that what you only saw was a man who seemingly lost his masculinity. I wouldn't judge you as chauvinist just because of that, but I think you should be proactive and look deeper into the issue rather than be reactive to the article written

**BlissfullyJaded** · 11-01-2009

Well, I do agree with brother convert to an extent. There are men who do pander to feminism, and it comes off looking real cheesy. Beyond the immaturity statement, I don't see how this article pandered to women. Could you highlight that?

Anyways, I think there are more reasons to why young people aren't married beyond a simplistic reason of "guys are immature." While it is a tad bit immature for the brothers to be giggling (well, giggling for a guy sounds feminine to me, not just immature) and high fiving over polygyny, I think there are far greater reasons why they're really not married. That just sounds overly simplified. It's the guys expectations from marriage that are very grand while they don't intend on putting into marriage as much as they expect on getting from the marriage. I'm not saying that sisters are always down to earth in their expectations, heck I've seen gold diggers too, however the weird expectations from guys are on the increase sadly.

I agree with where he says respect the sunnah. Joking around about to taunt your fiance / wife it isn't respecting the sunnah. Marrying a second wife behind your first wife's back isn't respecting the sunnah. Treating the first wife like dirt after you've married another isn't respecting the sunnah. So if you're going to do it, and saying you're practicing a sunnah and you await a reward for it in the end, that's just mockery and self-destructive.

It's not a diss to men. There a plenty out there who are realistic about it, who can handle it, and do respect the sunnah. But to those who joke about it out of bounds, just pause for a minute and evaluate your intentions... You know your strengths, so if you're going to do it then live up to your potential.