My husband and I have been married for eights years. We separted for two years a year ago. We got back together because we both started practising our religion properly. I am a convert to Islam. I'm on my deen my eman is strong at the moment. We have three childen together and I get on well with my husbands family and he gets along well with mine.
Recently he told me that he doesn't love me but I wouldn't discribe myself and as unattractive( im in the process of lossing the excess weight). I have asked him what I or we can do to improve our marriage and hes says he doesn't know.
I do feel quite upset about the situation as his is talking about divorce but says hes not sure what he wants. I'm not sure where to go from here.
But...first thing is to find out why he doesn't love you. Has he said it's because of your appearance, or is it something else, or will he just not tell you?
I guess you'd need to know the cause of the lack of his love before you could tackle it.
sis, again im not necessarily the best person to give advice. the only thing I would say is, firstly, you BOTH need to pray istikhara, sincerely to get some guidance from Allah. and secondly, have you considered Muslim marriage counselling?what about speaking to someone with regards to the matter?
Wa alaykumSalam sister.
The fact that you are able to ask him, what he wants you to do, is a great step on your part mashaAllah! I cannot imagine how much you must hurting, I pray that Allah makes this time easy for you.
Give him a little time, to think about what he wants from you, talk to him/ remind him about why he loved you the first time round. Talk about your feelings for him. If you are both starting to practice the deen together- spend time praying together, studying/reading together that will bring you both closer to Allah, and InshaAllah closer to each other. Allah has blessed you both with beautiful children- You should both focus together to bring them up as little Muslims/Mulimahs, and do what is best for them...whatever that my be.
I hope it works out for you, I wish I could help in some way, InshaAllah you will both works this out!
xxx
I suggested counselling and he wasn't keen on it. Then he spoke to the Iman who suggested it so now that something that he wants to do. Im actually studying to be a counsellor at the moment. Perosnally I don't see how it will help.
Thank you all for your replys. Im finding it hard to find islamic counselling for us. If anyone knows of any counselling services in South London please let me know.
giving advise from an Islamic point of view can help put other things into perspective. Also, he may be able to explain things to someone kinda impartial. islamic counselling is very much differnt from tradtitional British/US counselling. and even these differ too
but the first and foremost thing i wud advise is istikhara. The imam or sheikh can realyl help u in the situation inshallah
I wander whether he would tell his family or of they could find out what the problem is. But maybe like you said he just doesn't know, but thats not fair on you. It seems like you need to speak to someone as I don't think it's fair of him to do this if he doesn't know why or won't tell you why. Would the imaam in a local mosque be able to help? Other than that I would agree with sis Rabiyah's advice.
I'm hoping that tomorrow morning inshaAllah more people will see this and respond, and may be able to advise you better than I have.
May Allah help you ease all your difficulties. Ameen.
EDIT- and sis Khalisa's advice. Maashallah you all wrote loads of responses in the time it took me to write this one response!
giving advise from an Islamic point of view can help put other things into perspective. Also, he may be able to explain things to someone kinda impartial. islamic counselling is very much differnt from tradtitional British/US counselling. and even these differ too
but the first and foremost thing i wud advise is istikhara. The imam or sheikh can realyl help u in the situation inshallah
I will do the above pray I just need to find some more information on how to do it. At the moment I feel very confused I really don't know what is expected of me. I'm on mu deen my eman is stronger than its ever been. I feel like the things that he wants from me are superfcial(sp). Also when we got back togther his eman was stronger than mine, now it is weak. Im concerned because his actions are causing me to lose respect for him.
I've gotta go now. InshaAllah I'll be praying for you. If you're near Tooting then Sh. Suleiman Ghani might be a good person to try as above. There is a duaa for istakhara which you read after two raka'ah nafls.
How about you, how do you feel about your husband? Do you love him? It may be that he thinks you don't show him enough love and therefore he is reacting, or he may be depressed about some issues which he hasn't spoken to you about. It could also be he has weak iman like you say. How about talking to him? But first you must be cheerful, happy and look and feel your best.
There are a Muslim couple who do counseling one of them is a converts and live not too far from you. In fact you don't need to go there you can have telephone counseling with them and they may even offer you online counseling:
His name is Stephen Maynard (aka Br Abdullah), tel no is: 01582 411 900 / 01582 411 600. The address is 178 Biscot Road, Luton, Beds LU3 1AX
It's worth phoning them and having at least one or two sessions. They also offer Islamic counselling courses.
You see sister, shaytan often brings negative thoughts into the marital relationship to ruin it. I don't think there is anything wrong with either of you, except that may be your husband wants more love and attention from you. It seems like he is going through a rough phase of depression. It may also be that he's been talking to people who have given him negative influences. If his iman is strong then why shouldn't he love whereas he did before? If he doesn't know then may be he does still loves you and neds reminders how to expressit and feel the warmth. You both need to find time to spend time together, relaxing, doing hobbies you both enjoy, meeting families together or having a break somewhere alone and start strengthening your marriage bond. Let him know how you feel about him saying this and ask him what's his opinion about marriage and about trust and how should two people work in a marriage to make the marriage more successful? Sometimes men play up, but you should not take it too seriously and treat it as his bad mood or bad phase which needs to be remedied and never allow the illness to re-occur, by keeping him in fit condition - make him run after you and make your lives more exiting and fun amicable way and never forget to give him love and support that he needs.
Masha Allah I think it's really wonderful you are doing a counseling course. I hope and pray Allah swt makes you successful and keeps you both happy.
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