Please help, he commited zina in his past

**anonymous** · 12-07-2009

Any advice would be greatly appreciated, especially from the brothers...

I was planning on marrying someone I was in love with and knew for the past 8 months. He proposed around the 3rd month that we knew each other, and I prayed istikhara and it came out positive. Since then, because we both had intentions to be married we kept contact and such, which I realize was wrong Islamically and also emotionally burdening in case things don't go the way as planned. However, every prayer I've ever made, I've never asked that Allah make us a destiny for each other, but that Allah will grant me with what is best for me and my iman and to remove me away from what will weaken my iman, and day by day I have tried to lessen my contact someway just for Islamic reasonings.

So here's my problem...yesterday, out of the blue, I had to ask him if he was a virgin. I've always had feelings that he might not be, I don't know why...perhaps it was just his lack of holding such high expectations in potentials. For example, once I asked him what he looks for in a wife and all he said was he wanted a good wife who was moderate in beauty. I notice most virgin guys would want more than that. I've also asked him at one point if he'd ever marry someone who wasn't a virgin, assuming at the time that he was, and he said that it didn't make a difference. I asked him why, but he was reluctant to tell me and said one day he would explain. That was my biggest clue. This was about 4 months ago. I never asked him sooner because I felt it would be something too personal or too early to ask and that maybe it wasn't something I'd see as important.

After I asked him, he told me the truth admitting that he wasn't. He said that he had done it once, long before he met me (4 years ago) and that he sincerely regrets it and feels ashamed and horrible that I might see him differently and that he doesn't blame me if I feel that I deserve better. He tried to comfort me through out the night and was very grieved that I would leave and decide not to marry him, but I told him that it's ok and whatever happened in the past shouldn't affect the future and that I still want to marry him.

One of the things I do love about him is his sincerity, and I know he's honest with me. Whatever I ask him, he has been open with me 100% and I know he's a faithful person. Yet, I'm really scared...

In the back of my mind I always knew, I just never wanted it to be confirmed, and I've always promised myself that I would never judge a person's character by his actions of the past especially if he's repented. I don't know if he's repented for anything which is what worries me. I want to know more about his past relationship and at the same time I don't want to know anything about it at all.

In my heart, I still love him and it's something that with time I think I may be able to look past it, however in my head I fear that maybe he's not the best thing for me because I am always going to feel like I'm being compared to someone else. He gave up his innocence to someone else and I'm always going to wonder what it was in his eyes and heart that made that person worth it..it couldn't have just been lust and if it were, then I'm never going to be sure if he'd be able to control his desires while we're together. I'm not a guy so I don't know how important sex is to a guy (other than fulfilling his sexual desires).

I am not Allah to look down upon him for his mistake and he knows he's made a mistake. I also believe with full conviction that he's a genuine person, probably one of the most real people I've ever met in my life and a perfect match as the other half of my soul...but this is affecting me and my self esteem. Just the thought that if we ever got married he might think of someone else while we're together is making me distant. The first time of anything is always the most memorable experience. Right?

So would it be worth it giving him a chance and marrying him? Or should I marry a virgin like myself?

Jazakum Allahu Khair.

**dovelove** · 12-08-2009

wasalaam

the past is the past, hes repented so it shud not even be an issue, still u havin insecurities b4 ur even married to the guy dont seem like a firm first foot, so if u r gonna marry him u need to get over that.

and we shudnt be ones to sway u either way cos u say u did instikhara, so u put ur hope where it needs to be follow where ur Lord leads u, cos either u shud get blessing.

while some lame guys mite talk and compare, decent God fearing guys shouldnt think like that, most important reason to marry someone is their religious commitment and obedience, if thats not right y bother considering them, and if it is right u dont need to think of such nonsense.
peace 2u an urs

**Ummu Sufyaan** · 12-08-2009

wa alaykum us-Salaam
first, you need to cut contact off with him as he is your non-mahram....
i was going to mention that a sin is a sin and that if he drunk alcohol and gave it up, would you still go for it. if he didn't pray but gave that up, would you still so for it... so if he had complete changed, and was regretful, etc then i would have advised you go for it...

but you mentioned this as well then i think it is important for it to be addressed.

In my heart, I still love him and it's something that with time I think I may be able to look past it, however in my head I fear that maybe he's not the best thing for me because I am always going to feel like I'm being compared to someone else.

i dont know, its really up to you. its hard becuase you have to think about the affect it'll have on your relationship...what i mean is that these thoughts and feelings you have about this issue, could posien your marriage, and in all honesty i adive you NOT to ignore them. dont underestimate them and think they wont bother you later on. no! later on they may botehr you more as you would be married to him and expect better of him

....

you know, you may always wonder that about him and your jealously and ill thoughts may affect you....who knows it may develop into suspicion...

i know it may be said that a big deal is only a bg deal when it is made a big deal-and it may very well be- but if it really bothers you that much, i'd sit and do some soul searching. write down why and why not he is suitable and see which would bother you and you think would negatively affect your marriage. need to put your love for him to the side and look at things practically. are you going to be able to control your thoughts, etc after marriage. if you dont, hoe could this affect your relationship/trust with your husband. prevention is better then cure

and dont for get istikhara

**Humbler_359** · 12-08-2009

Well, you have alot of details in your minds. Let's marry someone else.

Problem solved.

**Khaldun** · 12-08-2009

The Spice girls once said

If you want my future forget my past,

And there is some truth to that, we all make mistakes and if we all were to be held accountable for our mistakes life would be very difficult.

My advice to you is, if the brother is truly sincere and you love him and you have not seen anything bad in him then forgive him, if you were in his shoes would you not want to be forgiven?