The Marriage Thread

[Getoffmyback]

how much are you planning to spend on your wedding?


Edit by Rashad: Important Note! Excuse my intrusion upon your post, Getoffmyback. Just wanted to make a quick announcement lol. This thread is for anything related to marriage. I will personally strictly moderate this thread to ensure that nothing un-Halaal is being discussed. Keep jokes the minimum and restrict them to the gender appropriate sections. Depending on the results of this thread, we MAY open a MARRIAGE FORUM! *drumroll* ... or shall I say *duff-roll* ?

[cat eyes]

Just seems that it's really a matter of luck to find someone perfect for you. Because seems that it's built on the concept of "if you stick with one person long enough, you're bound to fall in love with them". That's one bit that bothers me. It feels forced. It feels you get married for the sake of getting married. Not because you've met someone that you'd love waking up to for the rest of your life.

Now, what if I want someone with similar interests as I? One way I feel connected to anyone, whether it be friends or family, is if we have things in common. If we have similar tastes in things. For example, if we both like Europe or if we both like cars or if we both like the colour blue. I know these are silly things, but I find myself connecting better with someone like that. Of course I don't want her to be an exact replica of me. I want a perfect balance between similarities and differences. But I also don't want to do things I am passionate about all alone even after I am married. Sure she'll tag along in the beginning, but that won't last forever.

Now how do you find someone with whom you do share interests with. We're not allowed to date. We're not allowed to mingle. How do you find someone who loves skiing? or loves to volunteer in her spare time? or discovery channel documentaries? Because I want someone who'd be able to accompany me with these things or at least share a hint of a taste in such things.

I know these are silly stupid things compared to Islamic reasons for marriage and such. I believe there is a hadees where the Prophet (PBUH) said "marry her because she's rich, or comes from a prestigious family, or because she's beautiful". None of which fits in with what I am looking for. I am not necessarily after a rich girl, nor someone from a big family.

These are some things I am very concerned and confused about.

I know what u mean but who is stopping u from looking for a girl like that? sure we all have soul mates i believe its just the matter of finding them

Make sincere dua to Allah and put your full trust in him.

[//-Asif-\\]

Just seems that it's really a matter of luck to find someone perfect for you. Because seems that it's built on the concept of "if you stick with one person long enough, you're bound to fall in love with them". That's one bit that bothers me. It feels forced. It feels you get married for the sake of getting married. Not because you've met someone that you'd love waking up to for the rest of your life.

Now, what if I want someone with similar interests as I? One way I feel connected to anyone, whether it be friends or family, is if we have things in common. If we have similar tastes in things. For example, if we both like Europe or if we both like cars or if we both like the colour blue. I know these are silly things, but I find myself connecting better with someone like that. Of course I don't want her to be an exact replica of me. I want a perfect balance between similarities and differences. But I also don't want to do things I am passionate about all alone even after I am married. Sure she'll tag along in the beginning, but that won't last forever.

Now how do you find someone with whom you do share interests with. We're not allowed to date. We're not allowed to mingle. How do you find someone who loves skiing? or loves to volunteer in her spare time? or discovery channel documentaries? Because I want someone who'd be able to accompany me with these things or at least share a hint of a taste in such things.

I know these are silly stupid things compared to Islamic reasons for marriage and such. I believe there is a hadees where the Prophet (PBUH) said "marry her because she's rich, or comes from a prestigious family, or because she's beautiful". None of which fits in with what I am looking for. I am not necessarily after a rich girl, nor someone from a big family.

These are some things I am very concerned and confused about.

I think the correct hadith of the Prophet (SAW) was NOT to marry her because she's rich, comes from a prestigious family or because she's beautiful, that what is important most of all is one who has FAITH. One who oozes(pardon my choosing of this word lol) Islam from her conduct, her intellect and her personality. Someone who you are confident that she will bring up your future children into Islam, someone you are confident in her abilities to fulfill the duties of a good Muslim wife. That's the most important quality of all while the others can fade (beauty, money etc.).

Alhamdulilah I'm only 22 and I found my wife who possesses all of those qualities and more. And I see a lot of Muslimahs on this forum who seem to possess the same, not that I'm looking for a second wife or anything lol.

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Just seems that it's really a matter of luck to find someone perfect for you. Because seems that it's built on the concept of "if you stick with one person long enough, you're bound to fall in love with them". That's one bit that bothers me. It feels forced. It feels you get married for the sake of getting married. Not because you've met someone that you'd love waking up to for the rest of your life.

i think this is where many people go wrong and were this type of thinking causes some tension and problems in a marriage, simply because you go into marriage thinking that it is about *insert expectation here* or that is going to be *insert expectation here* and once they get married and see that marriage isn't according to how they weaved their little dreams, thats where problems come in.

you will get out of your relationships what you put it and if you are sincere in finding marriage for the right reasons, then im inclined to think that it will attract a person with the same type of mindset.

you mentioned something else

That's one bit that bothers me. It feels forced. It feels you get married for the sake of getting married. Not because you've met someone that you'd love waking up to for the rest of your life.

you will find a lot of people have this mindset fortunately/unfortunately and its becuase that is how they see marriage at FACE VALUE. you cant say that you want to marry person x for their own person when you haven't met them or known anything about them (which is where people get this idea that marriage is for falling in love and not falling for the person because they dont know a particular person personally) in other words how are you supposed to want to marry that person for them when you dont know them yet. once you get to know them and know that you like them, i think this mentality changes to wanting to marry them for them.

but in the meantime, most people will probably have this mindset because that is what marriage appears to be to them...at the very least, most people will view marriage as to what they grew up with, what they have experienced and the general view of marriage-in this day and age we are taught that marriage=love and that we need to marry to feel/be in love...so yes, this is where people may get that idea from.

Now, what if I want someone with similar interests as I? One way I feel connected to anyone, whether it be friends or family, is if we have things in common. If we have similar tastes in things. For example, if we both like Europe or if we both like cars or if we both like the colour blue. I know these are silly things, but I find myself connecting better with someone like that. Of course I don't want her to be an exact replica of me. I want a perfect balance between similarities and differences. But I also don't want to do things I am passionate about all alone even after I am married.

EVERYone in a relationship, be it marriage, friendship, probably even a passing conversation with someone random feels that they can connect to people that share the same interests.

it doesnt matter what it is or how "trivial" it is, the point is that thats how and why we like people-becuase we can relate to them and feel that they are on the same level on us.

Sure she'll tag along in the beginning, but that won't last forever.

are you sure about that? you will find that when you live with someone and especial more so in the case where you grow to love them, the more inclined you will be to imitating them. its the way the human mind works. a similar example to this is living with your family and siblings...there are so many ways we imitate or parents and siblings in the things we say, do and out general interests, all because we love them and live with them. another example is that of our friendships...

in general, if you love and respect someone, you can guarantee that you will be similar to them in some ways.

these things tend to happen without you realizing it so you shouldn't be hopeless that because you cant perceive something, then it means it doesn't exist. and i suppose this why we should take this upon ourselves to check ourselves and see where our relationships need rectifying and that we still love those that we are meant to, just in case we wake up thinking that we dont love them anymore and/or that our relationship with them has become deficient in some ways (and causing ourselves to panic as well), whereas the reality maybe the exact opposite...only we cant see it.

Now how do you find someone with whom you do share interests with. We're not allowed to date. We're not allowed to mingle. How do you find someone who loves skiing? or loves to volunteer in her spare time? or discovery channel documentaries? Because I want someone who'd be able to accompany me with these things or at least share a hint of a taste in such things.

you ask questions? and as i said before you will get out of your relationships what you put it and if you are sincere in finding marriage for the right reasons, then that will attract the same person with similar/smart interests.

im inclined to think that dating would actually ruin you finding the right one. that "innocence" is sort of lost and your standards become higher, not to mention you may find yourself comparing your prospects with one another <---people dont like being compared to plus, it only confuses yourself

you find the happiest of marriages were indeed the ones that the couple didnt date. i strongly believe that you dont need to know the very last details of someone to get along with them and learn to live and love them.

at the very least some sort of inclination or "spark" needs to be there...from that spark i think everythign else will follow.

I know these are silly stupid things compared to Islamic reasons for marriage and such. I believe there is a hadees where the Prophet (PBUH) said "marry her because she's rich, or comes from a prestigious family, or because she's beautiful". None of which fits in with what I am looking for. I am not necessarily after a rich girl, nor someone from a big family. These are some things I am very concerned and confused about

I disagree. marriage for the deen is good for the dunya and aakhira but what so many people forget when they say just marry for the deen is that we are also here on this earth for a short time and we also need those "dunya" characteristics to fulfill and help us out with our time on earth here as well.

and just becuase someone is religious, it doesn't mean you will get along with them or that they will treat you well.

you need to take into consideration what the traits of a prospect will have on you and your marriage and what it will mean for you. are you getting what you want from your spouse? do they tick the boxes? are you happy with them? does/did marrying that person give you what you wanted in a marriage? does it cause tension and argument?

if you ignore those personal preferences (non-deen related) they may cause some tension as well because you find your self not being able to relate to your spouse and as a result this may cause you to develop a type of dislike towards them. people in this situation may also find them selves inclined to developing haram relationships with other people becuase they cant find what they want in their own spouses. you cant underestimate these things.

so yes, people need to be smart about the way they go about getting married and what they chose to accept of a partner...we mustn't be hasty about these things and try out best to gain what isn't only good for aakhira, but also our dunya.

[cat eyes]

brother the stig this is my own advice i will give you now. im not going to tell you what you shouldn't be looking for and what you should. everybody is different. only you yourself know what you want.

another important thing is never take ADVICE from a person who is not married or divorced from a marriage.. NEVER. what can a person possibly know when they are not married themselves and they are given others advice? ive seen many people been put off the idea of marriage altogether because they have spoken to people who dont know the first thing about marriage and now they are living single life like the non muslims. marriage is a part of our deen. what you need to do is study hadiths of our beloved prophet (saw) your totally right yourself. compatibility is a MUST in a marriage. these are the words of our prophet mohammad (saw). yes religion is important but our prophet (saw) is saying there is other things too.

Allah knows that certain two people cannot live together if they are to different. there would be nothing as bad as that. we are humans. we are not forced to fall in love with that person

i cannot understand these people also who say, you will fall in love whilst living together anyway. NO its not true. theres no Guarantee of that! show me prove or evidence if thats true. the divorce rate is growing because people are following this FALSE advice and not following our prophet (saw)

[Beardo]

“A group of three men came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet asking how the Prophet worshipped (Allah), and when they were informed about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said, "Where are we from the Prophet as his past and future sins have been forgiven." Then one of them said, "I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever." The other said, "I will fast throughout the year and will not break my fast." The third said, "I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever." Allah's Apostle came to them and said, "Are you the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he who does not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me (not one of my followers)."

[Myself]

subhanallah, our beloved Nabi (saw) departed from this world withouth leaving a chance for his ummah to ask questions about one's lifestyle and how it should be lead.