I am a female, educated women, I am starting Law school soon. When I was 14 I was a survivor of a rape, I thankfully fought until I broke free and I still am a virgin. However, since than I wasn't the same, I lost faith for a long time. When I was 18 I met a man, I cared for him, he made me believe he was going to marry me. after two years of a promise, he broke me mentally, manipulated me, and and I sinned, I don't want to do into details. Anyways after months he left me via text message. I was heart broken. He explained his family wants him to marry a Yemeni and not me anymore... I was hurt, devastated from what I did... I lost hope, and sadly lost faith... I fell into the hands of 3 men.... but it didn't lead to anything. I am still ashamed and have been since than. I have sincerely repented everyday. .There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
Today, I am changed. I have repented. I learned to pray, I am in Law school, I am and always have been a sweet and kind heart girl, I don't hurt anyone even the people who hurt me. I cry every day because of my mistakes. Recently, I know a man who is asking for my hand whom I care dearly for... I know he was in a relationship before but it didn't work out.. I care so much about him, I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt him. I truly love him for the sake of Allah. But I am scared because I don't know if I am a bad girl for him?!
If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me? Would you forget the past and see I am sincere to my religion and love Allah so much and repent? I really need help healing, because everyday I wake up and sleep to this thought of him walking alway because of my hardship past... I am so scared I won't ever be happy! I am so scared I will never find a good muslim man to marry me... and most of all I want to marry him, he is the one I care for and see as the father of my children. I need help knowing I will be forgiven for my actions knowing I am remorseful to the point I am killing myself with regret and tears. IstarferAllah. <br><br>To add, I did sin but I remain a virgin. <br><br>Help em know I am still a good Muslim women, help me see the truth! Please tell me if you knew me would you marry one like me or walk away?
It is not duty of women to cook for family or the family of husband, and if the women doesnt like her inlaws in her house, she can stop them from coming to their house .
And let me confirm that man who divorce the wife just because her house is complete mess in one day is either going to HELL or in very serious sin.
Both of you has to educate yourself and if what Prophet Muhammad said is not acceptable to you, then be it and be proud.
If a man truly believes in the Sunnah, then he wont criticize his wife, be it cooking, cleaning, or anything she does. You appreciate the food she cooks, even if it isnt exactly to your liking. Aisha, and other companions and wives, mentioned that the Prophet never criticized anyone’s cooking, ESPECIALLY his wives. If he didnt like the food he would still say ‘What good food this is!” or if he did not want to eat it he would say “I do not wish to eat now”, so for those husbands who complain to their wives, you go against the sunnah of the messenger when you do so. Love your wives and be kind to them, that is where Imaan lies.
A husband CANNOT order her to do anything that is against religion. The Prophet (s) said: "No obedience is due to creatures in disobedience of the Creator" (la ta`atan li makhluqin fi ma`siyat al-khaliq).
If she works outside the house, it is praiseworthy for the husband to hire house help to relieve her from too heavy a burden. The wife's duties do not require her to feed her child, nor even to nurse it, nor to clean nor cook. It is the husband's duty to provide a nursemaid, food for older children, and servants to clean and cook. However, if the wife does those things out of mercy and love, it is a gift to the husband on her part.
Last edited by Riana17; 09-10-2011 at 10:14 AM.
The HIGHEST accomplishment I can achieve in this worldly life is to be a TRUE MUSLIM. (me)
I'm beginning to wonder if you understand English at all.
It's already been established the woman doesn't have to do anything, no one is disputing that chores and cooking and not her obligation.
So the question I ask and perhaps many others too, WHAT IS THE WOMAN'S OBLIGATION?
WHAT MUST SHE DO?
We know the man has to earn the money, but WHAT MUST THE WOMAN DO IN A MARRIAGE?
PS. In the UK, I'd like to see anyone who isn't on a 6 figure salary afford maids. Maybe several centuries the common man could afford servants, but in the 21st century in the west, few men can.
I'll put it this way, if the woman is not obliged to cook or clean or do any chores, which is what peope are saying. Then what is the woman obliged to do?
Look after the kids? Well for at least 9 months and maybe more, she will not have a kid, so she is obliged to do nothing?
Use a bit of common sense, whilst the man is at work, and the woman is at home, if she's not doing chores, what should she be doing?
It might be cultural, but if my wife refuses to cook and do the chores then I will simply move back to live with my mother and send my wife to my parents because I see very little contribution from a wife otherwise.
Please think about it, if the wife doesn't do chores at home, what should she do for the 10 hours of the day he's at work? Sit and watch TV gossip on the phone with her friends?
It's not like most men these days don't do the bulk of their chores. I iron my own clothes, clean my room, fix my bed, clean the bath after a shower, do a lot of the DIY etc, so to expect food to be on the table when is asking too much? If it's asking too much, then I am better off as a single man, cause then I can do all my own chores, not have to finance anyone and worry about my own food.
Although my wife started to learn cooking prior to our wedding, she started to learn cooking seriously after she married me. My sisters could not cook before they married, but after they married they started to learn cooking. Many married women who I know here could not cook before they married, but now they can.
So, will we marry women who can't cook ?. Why not ! they can learn cooking after we married them. We don't need to obliged our wives to cook. They will cook for us if we request them gently. Women have an instinct to please their life-partners if they feel enjoy with their partners.
If working women do not cook for their husbands, it's because their husbands never request them. If their husbands make gentle request to their wives, those working women will cook for their husbands. Like I said, women have an instinct to please their partners if they feel enjoy with their partner. So, if our wives refuse our request to serve us, it's means they do not enjoy their marriage life with us.
And, if our wives refuse to cook, should we send them back to their parents ?. We don't need to do it because they will back in first before we send them.
Like my wife. In our 6th years of marriage, she left me and back to her parent home, brought our 2 years old son, just because something that actually not my fault. It made me very angry. But I still visited them everyday and gave them money for life. Almost two month later, my mother-in-law got heart attack and she need hospitalized. She passed away several days later after she told a message to my wife "Back to your husband and apologize, you're the one guilty in this". And several days later she stood in front of our house door.
The thing that always make me thankful is, the Door of Forgiveness in my heart is always open for my wife. I am sure, not all husbands have Door of Forgiveness like this in their hearts. That was the first time and the last time my wife left me.
My wife does not clean up our house, one of my employee did it almost everyday. My wife wash our clothes but what she does are pour the soap and turn the washing machine buton, the rest until drying done by me. She iron our clothes but only partially, the rest done by me. And now I am looking for a daily maid to help us in washing and ironing.
Does my wife cook for me ?. Not always. I often prevent her to cook because she need more rest to recover her backbone that has been ruined by cancer. But when she feel she strong enough, she always cook although she not always can eat what her cook. Doctor forbade her to eat many kinds of foods.
Is it means is better if I live as a single man ?. Let me smile. You don't know how I am. I have been 44 and have problem with my weight, but women still stare at me. If those women know I am single, they will come to me and make me hard to live as single man.
But, no, no, I am very happy with my life as a husband and as a daddy.
By the ways, last afternoon we watched TV program about survivors of cancer. Their stories touched my wife, and made her told me "I want to follow those women, spend the rest of the life to serve the husband. I will cook more delicious foods for you". I told her "You don't need to cook because maybe you can't eat what you cook". She stared at me with her sweetest smile "Am I not allowed to serve my husband ?".
I could not say anything. But one kind gesture from me was more than enough as an answer.
Last edited by ~Raindrop~; 09-10-2011 at 11:19 PM.
Reason: changed wording
Your one comment stood out, your wife stands by you, which is terrific. I'm glad you are happily married may it be a long one and ay you see each other as a couple in Jannah al Firdous.
As for the comment you made about hiring maid to contibute etc. It isn't possible for the average man in the UK, maybe possible elsewhere, but not in the UK, so that's unrealistic.
As for the comment you made about hiring maid to contibute etc. It isn't possible for the average man in the UK, maybe possible elsewhere, but not in the UK, so that's unrealistic
I know, hiring maid in UK is expensive. And I don't suggest you hire maid.
The point of my post is, relationship between husband and wife is different than relationship between employer and employee. We can employ someone, obliged him to work for us, and what we must do for him is just pay him. But in marriage life, giving money is not enough. Our wives need more than money. They need our love.
Brother, if we want our wives serve us, we cannot threat them with "If you do not serve, I will send you back to your parent !". But we must request them gently like "honey, will you cook for me ?".
Don't make our wives feel like they are servants, but make them feel, we are their husbands, and they will serve us without we obliged them.
Salaam sister, I think a gentleman will forget everything about your past if he sincerely loves you and wants to marry you. No one can change their past but do not let the past influence the future, Allah is great and with time and patience sister great things can happen. Allah is the greatest judge not People, dont worry sister I will keep you in my Dua's.
But in marriage life, giving money is not enough. Our wives need more than money. They need our love.
Brother, if we want our wives serve us, we cannot threat them with "If you do not serve, I will send you back to your parent !". But we must request them gently like "honey, will you cook for me ?".
Don't make our wives feel like they are servants, but make them feel, we are their husbands, and they will serve us without we obliged them.
Very good post brother, I also feel that some men have made a habit out of treating their wives as their servants, making them serve the husband's needs all the time, while just relying on the Man's money, is the ONLy thing the man is proud about delivering . My question to kingkong is, what is the man's duty besides 'financing' the house? Why so much stress on finance? You very well know that women used to earn even back then in Islamic history , as they do now, why should they even get married if being financed is all they look for, they can support themselves if its all about the finances, mind you.
They say that though man is the head of the house, a woman is the Manager. While she should contribute in the house chores, but rudely asking and expecting of her to just be there, like any other maid servant would be, is a huge misunderstanding on the muslim brother's part, and a sad one indeed. I have seen muslim men who don't even like conversing with their wives other than their needs, because they think women are stupid and should keep shut and just serve, where is islam in that?
Anyhow, usually, if a man respects his wife, loves her truly, re-assures her self confidence, there can be no reason that she wouldnt want to serve him, and return all the kindness. But if a man does look for a wife who is a committed server, they should marry a professional maid, and not try to subjugate an educated women to serve all the time and give her nasty comments about not being the good servant.
It is such a double standard to expect pople to change for one's selfish needs. reminds me of a brother who would talk on and on about hazrat khadija being his favorite woman, and then would refuse to marry girls who didnt look like super models, were the same age as his, she, and along with being really beautiful, intellectual and well versed, should be a good maid. Whatever.
How can men in Islam be so superficial and pathetic in their thinking. How can a woman raise such an arrogant son! (I'm not particularly addressing to the posters in this thread, this is just a very common example around me, a society heavily influenced by hindu superstition, chauvinism and myths)
It's already been established the woman doesn't have to do anything, no one is disputing that chores and cooking are not her obligation.
No it hasn't. What has been established is that there is a difference of opinion among scholars as to whether such duties are obligatory on the part of the wife or not. The slightly stronger opinion being that it is not obligatory, but recommended, though there isn't strong evidence to support obligation or non-obligation. See here: http://www.islamicboard.com/family-s...ml#post1458738
format_quote Originally Posted by kingkong
So the question I ask and perhaps many others too, WHAT IS THE WOMAN'S OBLIGATION?
WHAT MUST SHE DO?
Good question.
As we are all agreed, both spouses should help and please each other as much as possible, and should realise their own shortcomings first. As to your question, this is what a woman's obligations are with regards to her husband. She must:
1. Acknowledge and accept her husband as the leader and head of the household.
2. Obey her husband (obviously in those things that do not involve disobedience to Allah, and according to a strong opinion, definite obedience only in those things that involve his marital rights, i.e. the ones mentioned here)
3. Answer his call to fulfil his physical desires.
4. Not allow anyone into his house without his permission.
5. Not leave the house without his permission (though the hadeeth bearing exactly this meaning do not appear to be strong ones) .
6. Serve the husband, though as mentioned above, the scholars disagree on whether this is a right.
7. Thank the husband for his actions.
8. Not fast a voluntary fast without his permission.
"If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month, protects her chastity, and obeys her husband, it will be said to her, "Enter paradise through any of the doors of paradise you wish." (Ibn Hibbaan)
A wife's behaviour and situation with regards to her husband is one of her most important responsibilities in Islam.
format_quote Originally Posted by SFatima
My question to kingkong is, what is the man's duty besides 'financing' the house?
Apologies for answering here, as this is not addressed to me. However I'll take the opportunity to state the husband's duties here:
1. To give his wife mahr
2. To give her maintenance
3. To treat her nicely, kindly and properly
4. To fulfil her physical desires
5. Not to beat her (with the exception of the light tap in the case of nushooz on her part)
6. To give her privacy
7. To treat her justly in a polygynous household
8. To teach her her religion
9. To defend her honour and have gheerah "jealousy" with respect to her
And the right to enjoy each other, inherit from each other, and confirmation of lineage of their children are common rights.
The relationship shouldn't be a breakdown of this is my right, I want this, or I'm not doing this, but to try one's best to fulfil one's obligations to the other, look to one's own shortcomings first and to try to rectify them. Both should try their utmost best to help and please one another and work together in partnership with them for a happy household.
Source: The Fiqh of Family, Marriage and Divorce, by Jamal Zarabozo, American Open University, 1997
And lastly, a reminder to all brothers and sisters (including myself):
"And tell My servants to say that which is kindlier. Indeed, Satan incites discord between them. Indeed Satan is ever, to mankind, a clear enemy." (Qur'an 17:53)
May Allah give all of us, sisters and brothers, the tawfeeq to speak to each other with good manners, respect and decency, ameen.
And Allah knows best in all matters.
Last edited by Insaanah; 09-10-2011 at 09:36 PM.
Reason: clarified the strongest opinion in the first paragraph
Stunningly beautiful adhaan from the Dome of the Rock in Masjid ul Aqsa Download (right click and choose "save target/link as").
This is a clear message for mankind in order that they may be warned thereby, and that they may know that He is only One God, and that those of understanding may take heed (14:52)
Indeed Allah knows, and you know not (16: 74, part)
Maybe you should open a fresh thread. You might get a better response. I think the issues in the OP have been addressed? Mods?
....If thou knowest not thy God, thou art a slave of men;
And if thou dost, thy slaves are kings and potentates.
The heart’s freedom is kingly; its slavery is death,
It is for thee to decide — to be a king or a slave.
[Baal-e-Jibreel, Allama Iqbal 1935]
If those brothers ever been in situation when their wives were on the peak of the pain and started to scream desperately wishing death.
If those brothers ever been in situation when they held their wives hands, their eyes began to wet, and they started to beg Allah, not to take their wives.
If those brothers ever been in situation when they must smile to give spirit to their wives who were so scared before entering surgery room.
If every after salah those brothers see their wives perform salah while sitting on chair because their wives cannot perform salah normally again.
If sometime those brothers wives feel afraid their illness will take their souls faster and they beg a hug to make them feel safe.
If those brothers realize, Allah gave their wives second chance to take care their children.
They will understand why I beg them not to treat their wives like servants.
Well I'm not sure what happened there. I'm gone for a day, come back, and there's 3 pages of "I'm cooler than you just because!" I didn't know we were running a daycare here.
Now that all the kids have taken their toys and gone home, maybe we can get back to having an adult discussion about a sister in need of support.
I see a lot of myself in you, sister flowergarden. I see some of you in myself. You have a good heart, and that is refreshing to see in this world. But you have to be careful. Maybe people will try to take advantage of you. I myself have been burned in the past when I tried to help someone out. But I consider it a lesson learned, and I have moved on, and I try to be more careful in my dealings with people.
If I get married, and my wife doesn't know how to cook, I will teach her. If she doesn't speak English very well, I will teach her. She can teach me Arabic and help me to become a better man, which is a much more valuable lesson than learning how to cook, to be sure.
Brother Ardianto,
May Allah always bless your family. I really appreicate your reply. It it EXACTLY what I see in what a beautiful marriage is. There is understanding, forgiveness, and a man who will help his wife and never leave her. MashAllah brother you're a great man, and very wise, I appreciate the reply.
My mom didn't know how to cook even rice when she first got married, but now she is a awesome cooker. But she works, and my dad understand when she comes home she will be very tried, so he cooks some days and than she cooks other days when she has off. Its a understand of helping one another not merely thinking with ones stomache and wanting what may not be the right thing.
In today's world if man and women don't work it will even be hard to be Middle class.
May allah always bless you with a beautiful marriage ardianto
I think the issues in the OP have been addressed? Mods?
Yup, I agree.
The behaviour of some members in this thread is unacceptable. Insulting remarks, rudeness and blatant disrespect will not be tolerated.
Failing to take heed of the above or attempting to continue this topic in a new thread will result in warnings/infractions.
Last edited by ~Raindrop~; 09-10-2011 at 11:13 PM.
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.There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
. My question to kingkong is, what is the man's duty besides 'financing' the house? Why so much stress on finance? You very well know that women used to earn even back then in Islamic history , as they do now, why should they even get married if being financed is all they look for, they can support themselves if its all about the finances, mind you.
How can a woman raise such an arrogant son! (I'm not particularly addressing to the posters in this thread, this is just a very common example around me, a society heavily influenced by hindu superstition, chauvinism and myths)
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