Would You marry a muslimah such as.....

**flowergarden** · 08-13-2011

Salaam Wa alikium:

I am a female, educated women, I am starting Law school soon. When I was 14 I was a survivor of a rape, I thankfully fought until I broke free and I still am a virgin. However, since than I wasn't the same, I lost faith for a long time. When I was 18 I met a man, I cared for him, he made me believe he was going to marry me. after two years of a promise, he broke me mentally, manipulated me, and and I sinned, I don't want to do into details. Anyways after months he left me via text message. I was heart broken. He explained his family wants him to marry a Yemeni and not me anymore... I was hurt, devastated from what I did... I lost hope, and sadly lost faith... I fell into the hands of 3 men.... but it didn't lead to anything. I am still ashamed and have been since than. I have sincerely repented everyday.

.There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
Today, I am changed. I have repented. I learned to pray, I am in Law school, I am and always have been a sweet and kind heart girl, I don't hurt anyone even the people who hurt me. I cry every day because of my mistakes. Recently, I know a man who is asking for my hand whom I care dearly for... I know he was in a relationship before but it didn't work out.. I care so much about him, I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt him. I truly love him for the sake of Allah. But I am scared because I don't know if I am a bad girl for him?!

If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me? Would you forget the past and see I am sincere to my religion and love Allah so much and repent? I really need help healing, because everyday I wake up and sleep to this thought of him walking alway because of my hardship past... I am so scared I won't ever be happy! I am so scared I will never find a good muslim man to marry me... and most of all I want to marry him, he is the one I care for and see as the father of my children. I need help knowing I will be forgiven for my actions knowing I am remorseful to the point I am killing myself with regret and tears. IstarferAllah. To add, I did sin but I remain a virgin. Help em know I am still a good Muslim women, help me see the truth! Please tell me if you knew me would you marry one like me or walk away?

**Hamza Asadullah** · 08-14-2011

Originally Posted by flowergarden

Salaam Wa alikium:

I am a female, educated women, I am starting Law school soon. When I was 14 I was a survivor of a rape, I thankfully fought until I broke free and I still am a virgin. However, since than I wasn't the same, I lost faith for a long time. When I was 18 I met a man, I cared for him, he made me believe he was going to marry me. after two years of a promise, he broke me mentally, manipulated me, and and I sinned, I don't want to do into details. Anyways after months he left me via text message. I was heart broken. He explained his family wants him to marry a Yemeni and not me anymore... I was hurt, devastated from what I did... I lost hope, and sadly lost faith... I fell into the hands of 3 men.... but it didn't lead to anything. I am still ashamed and have been since than. I have sincerely repented everyday.

.There is not a day where I ask Allah to forgive me. This all happened in the years of 2007 to 2009, I was not very religious than... I know the reason this all happened with me sinning was because of the rape. I know it is because I lost my self esteem and did not seek consoling that when a man l cared for me, I was happy and vulnerable. I know that is wrong, but I went through something hard, and didn't seek help. I am change and have learned from my mistakes BIG TIME.
Today, I am changed. I have repented. I learned to pray, I am in Law school, I am and always have been a sweet and kind heart girl, I don't hurt anyone even the people who hurt me. I cry every day because of my mistakes. Recently, I know a man who is asking for my hand whom I care dearly for... I know he was in a relationship before but it didn't work out.. I care so much about him, I wouldn't let anyone or anything hurt him. I truly love him for the sake of Allah. But I am scared because I don't know if I am a bad girl for him?!

If you (a muslim man) knew about this would you marry me? Would you forget the past and see I am sincere to my religion and love Allah so much and repent? I really need help healing, because everyday I wake up and sleep to this thought of him walking alway because of my hardship past... I am so scared I won't ever be happy! I am so scared I will never find a good muslim man to marry me... and most of all I want to marry him, he is the one I care for and see as the father of my children. I need help knowing I will be forgiven for my actions knowing I am remorseful to the point I am killing myself with regret and tears. IstarferAllah. To add, I did sin but I remain a virgin. Help em know I am still a good Muslim women, help me see the truth! Please tell me if you knew me would you marry one like me or walk away?

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. My sister it is clear that you went through a lot of difficult times in the past and alhamdulillah you got through them. Regarding the relationships you have had then it is also cleat that you are very remorseful for your past sins and that you have repented sincerely to Allah asking of him to forgive you.

Almighty Allah says in the Qur'an:

"Do not despair of God's mercy; He will forgive you of all your sins".Qur'an (39:53).

In another verse, Allah says:

"And He wishes to forgive you" Qur'an (4:146).

So you should have hope that Allah will expept your repentance for he loves to forgive and he loves when his slaves turn to him in humility, meekness and humble to their lord in sincere repentance.

You must forget the past now and and take lessons from it. You do not need to mention anything to him about your past. Your past is between you and Allah. Learn from your errors so that you can do things better now and in the future. There is no reason why any man would not want to marry a women who is towards the deen regardless of her past. The past is history and we all make mistakes.

This is the blessed month of Ramadan and Know that Allah is wanting you to be close to him so will you not take a small step towards Allah that he may take a huge step towards you? Desire to be closer to Allah and to do EVERYTHING to please him. Continue to repent for what you have done and ask of Allah to help you through this hard time. Always share how you feel with Allah for your heart will feel MUCH better in doing so. Strive to be closer to Allah in established all of your fard obligations to him.

Also do much nafils and recite the Qur'an along with its meanings to understand what Allah is telling us in the Qur'an. Learn as much about Islam as possible and most of all ALWAYS busy yourself with the remembrance of Allah in glorifying and praising him as well as pondering and contemplating over his creations. The more you remember Allah the quicker your heart will heal!

Join a local sisters Islamic circle and involve yourself with Islamic events, activities and be with good and pious sisters. Serve your parents as much as possible for they ONLY want the best for you and serving ones parents is of the BEST of ALL deeds. NEVER even raise your voice to your parents for they have been given the highest status by Allah, The way we treat our parents is how our parents will treat us. Therefore treat your parents the best and if shaythan tries to create enmity in your heart that seek refuge with Allah for shaythan is your eternal enemy and only wants you to be destroyed. He wants you to waste your time and life over the past and does NOT want you to move on. He wants to prevent you from progressing in life and in your deen. He does not want you to go towards Allah so will you not reject your sworn enemy?

Therefore my sister let now be the start of a whole new chapter in your life where you can progress and move forward gradually. There is no time to waste my sister and there will be times where you will find it hard but with Allah you will find peace and contentment but with shaythan all you will find is misery and discontent. Therefore if you want to get healed then go towards Allah and strive to please him and make him the happiest. Ask of him to help you through this and in every aspect of your life. Repent to him always and ask of him to heal your heart. If you put your FULL faith, trust, reliance and hopes in Allah then you will find this is enough for you and your heart will heal and be replaced with the love for Allah and his messenger.

So make the best of each precious second in this most blessed month to get closer to Allah because he wants you closer to him. Subhaanallah! He is giving you this opportunity to be closer to him so will you not take it? Will you not grab this opportunity? So trust in him and put your FULL reliance in him. Know that he listens to your prayers and is closer to you than your jugular vein.

The past is the past so do NOT let a mistake from your past affect you now and in the future. Strive to be as close to Allah as possible and put ALL of your faith and trust in him. If he is your protector then nothing can ever harm you.

So from now on ALWAYS go about looking for a marriage partner in the right manner. That means through your wali. As soon as a guy dos not want to go about marriage in the permissable manner then know that he is not right for you. Surely if we go about marriage in the right manner then Allah will give us peace and blessings in our marriage pursuit and in our marriage because he will be happy that his servants were obedient to him. So you must not be in contact with any non mahram male without the presence of your wali. So if you like this guy then he must go through your wali and then you should take things from thee only ever contacting each other through your wali. If you go about things in the right manner then surely you will have peace and blessings in your pursuit for marriage.

So let us spend each precious remaining second in this blessed month worship, asking and begging of Allah for forgiveness and his mercy. Striving to get closer to him through worship and prayer. Our hearts are softened in this precious month so what better chance for us to purify our hearts further and soften it with his remembrance.

This is our chance to put the fear of Allah into our hearts and to live our lives ONLY to please Allah and invest in the hereafter which is our final destination. How long are we in this world? VERY short while. How long is the hereafter? FOREVER! Therefore we should spend as much of our little time as possible investing into the hereafter by doing everything possible to please Allah and refraining from anything which angers or displeases him.

The following are all threads that will help us to maximise each precious second of Ramadan:

1. 12 Ways to Maximize Everyday in Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...y-ramadan.html

2. The Inner Dimensions of Fasting - A MUST READ!

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...must-read.html

3. 10 Steps to Increasing our Iman(Faith) this Ramadhan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...-ramadhan.html

4. 10 steps to getting closer to Allah this Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...h-ramadan.html

5. VERY Rewarding Nafl Salaahs we can Pray Everyday this Ramadan!

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...y-ramadan.html

6. 9 things a Women on Menses can do in Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...o-ramadan.html

7. How productive was your day today in Ramadan?

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...y-ramadan.html

8. Immense Rewards for Reciting the Qur'an in Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...n-ramadan.html

9. 15 Easy Good deeds to do throughout Ramadan!

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...t-ramadan.html

10. 40 Quick, Easy & Rewarding Good Deeds to do Everyday in Ramadhan!

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...-ramadhan.html

11. Ramadan is not just for one month it is for everyday of our lives!

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...our-lives.html

12. Do we have "Double intentions" this Ramadan?

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...s-ramadan.html

13. 10 Steps to Maximising the Last Ten Days of Ramadan

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...s-ramadan.html

14. 5 things to do on Laylatul Qadr

http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-...atul-qadr.html

15. 6 Things to do on the Virtuous Night of Eid - Laylatul Jaazah (The Night of Rewards)

http://www.islamicboard.com/general/...t-rewards.html

If you need anymore help with anything at all then please do not hesitate to ask. Please mention me in your dua's.

May Allah enable us to make the best of the most beautiful and blessed month of Ramadan and i pray that Allah heals your heart and makes you of his close servants. I pray he finds you the best partner that will lead you towards success in this life and the next and i pray he helps you through this and every aspect of your life. Please also remember me in your dua's.

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next. Ameen

**Riana17** · 08-14-2011

Originally Posted by flowergarden

My dear sister, Your so generous! I don't know you but I can see what a pure hear you have!
Jazak Allah Khair for your advice. And it is okay for the misunderstanding, I wrote it fast and should have clarified it better.

Thank you dearly for all your time and help!

Salam alaikkum
Thank you for your kind words, I told you something about me in 'reputation' (i think you can go to settings & you will see your bro and cute sisters msgs to you

) Meaning I was once worse than you on times I was not Muslim, but my husband really fight for me and i think he prayed too hard to have me as his wife (confident?), yes because he always say I may be lack of looks but he is contented with me

Yeah right, I dont even cook lol

And lastly, dont be too hard on yourself, Allah looks at our hearts, you are humble and honest too, let's move on and pls stick in this site, truly I like it here... not too crowded but full of good Muslims, Subhanallah

what a lucky husband you will get because Allah will give more than what you deserve, inshallah..Amen

**Ali Mujahidin** · 08-14-2011

Originally Posted by Riana17

I dont even cook

Off-topic:

I was taught that in Islam it is not mandatory for wives to cook for their husbands.

**YusufNoor** · 08-14-2011

my own personal opinion is that the "rape" issue may have led to post traumatic stress syndrome or some form of depression. you MAY need to think about this, it may have been what led you to be "manipulated" by the next man. this is a very valid cause for YOUR concern and it may have an effect on future intimacy issues. if so, reveal it. don't marry anyone who doesn't understand. the latter one [which AGAIN may be as a result of the rape, if not then it it between you and Allah] you have repented, it is no-ones business unless you choose to reveal it. you are no longer an "adulterer," thus those Ayats don't refer to you.

your thinking that your suitor "deserves better than you" may be low self esteem because of the first and second issues. if so, get help. if not, hold your head up high. you are are Muslimah and you DESERVE a good Muslim husband. as such, make sure someone acting as your Wali investigates his brother to insure the HE is good enough for YOU! don't get into a trap thinking that you are unworthy so that you'll marry someone just because he asked. check his deen out first.

everyday of your life is an opportunity for Allah to provide you with happiness. even if one thing doesn't work out, there are still more days. and if it does work out, Alhumdulillah! but it is Allah who joins hearts, put your faith in Him.

my wife has a plethora of issues, but i wouldn't EVER think of leaving her. she is precious beyond measure and after being born and then finding Islam, she is the greatest gift Allah has ever given me. she has many "dark days" and they can torture her soul, but despite this she is a remarkable helpmate. i had to call my son today because his mom[an ex from 30 years ago] was being operated on for cancer. she stopped me and made go through everything that i might say to him and how it might effect him. her advise was brilliant and it helped me to keep my son's spirits very high after he told me he had been verbally accosted by his mom.

NEVER sell yourself short.

May Allah help you find all of the happiness that you desire.

Yusuf

**Riana17** · 08-14-2011

Originally Posted by ThisOldMan

Off-topic:

I was taught that in Islam it is not mandatory for wives to cook for their husbands.

SALAM ALAIKKUM
PEOPLE asks me what do I prepare for my husband for dinner etc, I said when I was single 'I wasnt cooking for myself, why would I cook now? Isnt it one of the reason why I marry is for my husband to arrange my food on daily basis?' lol

I do wish to cook for him but I am not gifted, but bear in mind, whatever i cook (hmm once a month?), my husband would finished them, yay!

**flowergarden** · 08-14-2011

Originally Posted by halalmeat4free

right on man; I'd rather marry someone who has made mistakes in the past and has repented from them, instead of someone who has never made any mistakes in their life, because as we all know, no one is perfect. Sister flowergarden, just keep your faith up and don't lose hope in Allah.

Jazak Allah Khair brother! Thank you for your encouragement and help! Allah bless you!

**flowergarden** · 08-15-2011

Originally Posted by halalmeat4free

right on man; I'd rather marry someone who has made mistakes in the past and has repented from them, instead of someone who has never made any mistakes in their life, because as we all know, no one is perfect. Sister flowergarden, just keep your faith up and don't lose hope in Allah.

Jazak Allah Khair brother! Thank you for your encouragement and help! Allah bless you!

Originally Posted by Hamza Asadullah

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. My sister it is clear that you went through a lot of difficult times in the past and alhamdulillah you got through them. Regarding the relationships you have had then it is also cleat that you are very remorseful for your past sins and that you have repented sincerely to Allah asking of him to forgive you.

All of your advice helped me. You're right about prsuiting a marriage, as I wasn't as religious before I didn't learn what was right and wrong... and fell. But ALhamdullah I learned, and have grown closer to Islam and Allah, and this board is helping me.

Brother Hamza, I have one question. I now and seeing the past is the past and I shouldn't allow it to determine the future, but what if the man ask about my past? What do I say?

Jakzak ALlah Khair for everything, thank you! I will keep your advice close to my heart!

Wa Alaikum Assalaam Brother Hamza. Jazak Allah Khair for all your time and help with my issues and concerns. It truly means a lot to me, especially knowing I don't have many people to talk to.

**flowergarden** · 08-15-2011

Originally Posted by Riana17

Salam alaikkum
Thank you for your kind words, I told you something about me in 'reputation' (i think you can go to settings & you will see your bro and cute sisters msgs to you ) Meaning I was once worse than you on times I was not Muslim, but my husband really fight for me and i think he prayed too hard to have me as his wife (confident?), yes because he always say I may be lack of looks but he is contented with me Yeah right, I dont even cook lol

And lastly, dont be too hard on yourself, Allah looks at our hearts, you are humble and honest too, let's move on and pls stick in this site, truly I like it here... not too crowded but full of good Muslims, Subhanallah

what a lucky husband you will get because Allah will give more than what you deserve, inshallah..Amen

My dear sister Riana, You are so kind and helpful and your husband, MashAllah is very blessed to have you as a wife! Insh'Allah you are always happy, healthy and have a blessed marriage always! You're right, I am hard on myself at time, it is just hard not to be. Sometimes when I hear men talk about what they want in a wife, it is always about a girl not having a past with mistake, I feel like a bad person. I just wasn't on the right path before... Alhamdullah I am now.. So I just get to be hard on myself.
Jazak Allah Khair for your kind word and your encouragement. I appreciate you and your help. Allah bless you and everyone helping me.

**Scimitar** · 08-15-2011

Masha-Allah sister.

Just as every saint has a past, every sinner has a future. Allah is the most forgiving, and if you have repented - then ask him to hide your sins from others.

With regard to your future husband, I speak from experience when I say "don't go into any details" he will probably despise you for it. And anyway, why make your past a burden for him? Always talk about the future and put the past down to experience you've no memory of, for nothing really happened - right?

In response to your question, I'd marry you - no problem, but I am engaged LOL so it's easy for me to say...

...but know this, I am planning to marry a divorcee who has a child, and I have never been married before... good men do exist. Insha-Allah it will work out for you.

Scimitar

**flowergarden** · 08-15-2011

Originally Posted by YusufNoor

my own personal opinion is that the "rape" issue may have led to post traumatic stress syndrome or some form of depression. you MAY need to think about this, it may have been what led you to be "manipulated" by the next man. this is a very valid cause for YOUR concern and it may have an effect on future intimacy issues. if so, reveal it. don't marry anyone who doesn't understand. the latter one [which AGAIN may be as a result of the rape, if not then it it between you and Allah] you have repented, it is no-ones business unless you choose to reveal it. you are no longer an "adulterer," thus those Ayats don't refer to you.

your thinking that your suitor "deserves better than you" may be low self esteem because of the first and second issues. if so, get help. if not, hold your head up high. you are are Muslimah and you DESERVE a good Muslim husband. as such, make sure someone acting as your Wali investigates his brother to insure the HE is good enough for YOU! don't get into a trap thinking that you are unworthy so that you'll marry someone just because he asked. check his deen out first.

everyday of your life is an opportunity for Allah to provide you with happiness. even if one thing doesn't work out, there are still more days. and if it does work out, Alhumdulillah! but it is Allah who joins hearts, put your faith in Him.

my wife has a plethora of issues, but i wouldn't EVER think of leaving her. she is precious beyond measure and after being born and then finding Islam, she is the greatest gift Allah has ever given me. she has many "dark days" and they can torture her soul, but despite this she is a remarkable helpmate. i had to call my son today because his mom[an ex from 30 years ago] was being operated on for cancer. she stopped me and made go through everything that i might say to him and how it might effect him. her advise was brilliant and it helped me to keep my son's spirits very high after he told me he had been verbally accosted by his mom.

NEVER sell yourself short.

May Allah help you find all of the happiness that you desire.

Yusuf

Salaam Alaikum Brother Yusuf,
Allah bless you. Your words really touched my heart and helped me so very much. I never had anyone sit down with me and talk to me to tell me anything close to what you have said. And it really means a lot to me. I want to print this out and keep in close to me always, so when I feel sad I will read it. I keep reading it over and over again, and everything you say is wow. It truly hit my heart and I can not thank you enough to take the time to really sit and write to me.
Allah bless you. Jazak Allah Khair for everything. truly!
May Allah always keep you safe, happy and healthy... may Allah alwyas protect your family ya rabb... Ameen inshAllah

**Hamza Asadullah** · 08-15-2011

Originally Posted by flowergarden

Jazak Allah Khair brother! Thank you for your encouragement and help! Allah bless you!

All of your advice helped me. You're right about prsuiting a marriage, as I wasn't as religious before I didn't learn what was right and wrong... and fell. But ALhamdullah I learned, and have grown closer to Islam and Allah, and this board is helping me.

Brother Hamza, I have one question. I now and seeing the past is the past and I shouldn't allow it to determine the future, but what if the man ask about my past? What do I say?

Jakzak ALlah Khair for everything, thank you! I will keep your advice close to my heart!

Wa Alaikum Assalaam Brother Hamza. Jazak Allah Khair for all your time and help with my issues and concerns. It truly means a lot to me, especially knowing I don't have many people to talk to.

Asalaamu Alaikum, My sister you have already confirmed that you remain a virgin therefore you do not need to tell him anything at all. You have also confirmed that he has also had a previous relationship so you are both in the same position having previous relationships.

So there is nothing to worry about sister and there is no need to tell him anything. Just go about marriage in the right manner in the way that pleases Allah and you will not get hurt again because you rely upon him and you accept his decree. Know that if you do end up marrying him then it was best for you but if you do not then Allah has someone better in store for you.

May Allah do what is best for you. Ameen

**SFatima** · 08-15-2011

Originally Posted by flowergarden

Jazak Allah Khair brother! Thank you for your encouragement and help! Allah bless you!

All of your advice helped me. You're right about prsuiting a marriage, as I wasn't as religious before I didn't learn what was right and wrong... and fell. But ALhamdullah I learned, and have grown closer to Islam and Allah, and this board is helping me.

Brother Hamza, I have one question. I now and seeing the past is the past and I shouldn't allow it to determine the future, but what if the man ask about my past? What do I say?

Jakzak ALlah Khair for everything, thank you! I will keep your advice close to my heart!

Wa Alaikum Assalaam Brother Hamza. Jazak Allah Khair for all your time and help with my issues and concerns. It truly means a lot to me, especially knowing I don't have many people to talk to.

sister, peace and blessings be with you. I have read your story and a lot of good advices have been given , though I'll share something with you.

Regarding your question, It is recommended by Scholars to never reveal your past mistakes to anyone, let alone your spouse. I understand that for help and support you have shared yours here, but let me assure you that islam does NOT require you to confess about your past sins to ANYONE except Allah swt. So, for starters, clear that concept that you have to tell someone, it is only Allah swt that you have to tell about personal sins. Then there come other sins, like deceiving, lying backbiting or stealing or being rude, the kind of sins that you do have to seek the person's apology in order to move ahead in the relationship.

But as far as mistakes like you have mentioned, must Never be made a mention of especially to your spouse, MARK my words forever. There are several reasons for that, the most important of which is, that those sins involved you as a person, and you have repeatedly sought forgiveness from Allah swt for them, ALlah swt is the most forgiving, He promises to wash away our sins when we constantly seek tauba forgiveness, and says that He hides our sins everyday, and is displeased when we lay open our sins infront of people, there is a hadees regarding this as well, which highly discourages revealing your dark secrets, esp when you are over with them and do not fear getting involved in them again, whats gone is gone now, forget about it, start from a clean slate inshAllah.

Also, I assume that many people reveal their past mistakes, for they fear "what if my spouse finds out through somebody else' he might leave me", and that is just a trick of shaitan too, because when Allah has said that he will guard our secrets so as long as we repent and never do them again, one should not feel the low self esteem to look for some form of approval from a human because humans are very weak in this regard, men more so especially, it is something they cannot usually forgive and forget, esp muslim born men, no matter what they themselves have been upto in the past, they usually (most of them) don't really tolerate the same mistakes from their spouses, and its not like they should or shouldn't, it is somewhat of a nature i guess, but it is upon people to connect to ONLY Allah swt for their mistakes and not expose their such weaknesses infront of people( unless they seek guidance or just need to be helped and are sure that they will not be taken negatively or be treated rudely), because Allah swt will truly help us strengthen our eeman and self esteem while a spouse may not.

It is also your Islamic right to not reveal your past even if your future or current spouse asks you about it, and ofcorse this relates to the mistakes one makes, not the previous marriages or kids, we cannot lie about that. You can just quote the good examples from your past and never mention the bad things, because they have the tendency to impact the relation in a negative way, esp when the spouses argue and fight, they just start taking out each other's mistakes and quote them to eachother and things get worse after that, so my sincere advice to you is to forget about your past and don't enquire about his too, except the necessary things like what he thinks, how does he plan to live his life and etc.

Move ahead in a positive manner without any excess baggage of the guilt, Islam focuses on High self esteem and confidence, not low self esteem. Be confident that you have repented, and ask for Allah's help to make you more confident and to make you forget your sins. May ALlah swt be with you and help you all the way aameen.

**'Abd-al Latif** · 08-15-2011

Originally Posted by ThisOldMan

Off-topic:

I was taught that in Islam it is not mandatory for wives to cook for their husbands.

Then you have been taught wrong. You shouldn't speak about what you have no knowledge of.

Shaykh Ibn Jibreen said: the custom of the Muslims has always been that the wife should serve her husband in the customary manner, by preparing food, washing his clothes and vessels, cleaning the house, etc., according to what is appropriate. This was the custom at the time of the Prophet and has remained so until the present day, and no one has objected to it. But the wife should not be burdened in a manner that causes her hardship or difficulty, rather it should be in accordance with her ability and what is customary. And Allah is the Source of strength.

**Insaanah** · 08-15-2011

Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif

Then you have been taught wrong. You shouldn't speak about what you have no knowledge of.

This is a matter on which there is a difference of opinion amongst the scholars.

Brother ThisOldMan may follow Hanafi fiqh, in which the husband is not only responsible for the maintenance of his wife, but also for the cooking, cleaning, and general maintenance of the house, either by hiring a servant, doing the work himself, or by being lucky enough to have a wife who is willing to do it out of her own free will. If the wife refuses to help out in these areas, she is not to be held responsible and cannot be reprimanded.

This was also the opinion of Imam an-Nawawi, who was a Shafi3i. He said that all the house work that a woman does, is all voluntary on the part of the wife, and if she refused to do any of it, she would not be sinful. What women do is a beautiful voluntary custom that women have been following from the first generations until now.

This is the opinion of Imams Malik, al-Shafi3i, and Abu Hanifa. One statement from Imam Ahmad also agrees with this.

Abu Thaur, ibn Taymiyya and his student ibn al-Qayyim al-Jauziyyah, and Nasiruddin al Albani are of the opinion that it is obligatory on the wife to serve her husband.

Both sides use various ahadeeth as evidence for their position.

After discussing all of the proofs and evidence, al-Adawi came to the conclusion that it is recommended, but not obligatory, for a wife to serve her husband. However both spouses should take into consideration the needs and abilities of the other.

Jamal Zarabozo feels that there is no strong evidence to support either side for obligation or non-obligation. Both sides should take into consideration the physical capabilities and needs of each other, be understanding to each other, and do their best to please each other.

Source: The Fiqh of Family, Marriage and Divorce, by Jamal Zarabozo, American Open University 1997

And Allah knows best in all matters.

**Zafran** · 08-15-2011

salaam

Then you have been taught wrong. You shouldn't speak about what you have no knowledge of.

Its well known that women have no obligation in cooking the food. Its sadaqa.

peace

**'Abd-al Latif** · 08-15-2011

I won't discuss further than this post regarding this issue. It's Ramadan and I really don't want argumentation.

Let me break this down. To elaborate my point, let's take the example of praying in congregation.

Opinion (a) says it's obligatory.

Opinion (b) says it's recommended.

A person is now asked to come to pray in congregation. But he says being lenient in this issue; there are two opinions, there is difference amongst the scholars as to which one is right so I don't know what to do. Such a person hasn't understood fiqh because he hasn't looked at the benefit of the deed and is concerned about the opinions. I say this because, for arguments sake, if this person believes that it is not obligatory to pray in congregation then he at least agrees that it is recommended, because the benefit of prayer in congregation is far greater than worrying about which opinion is correct.

Same is the issue with a wife serving her husband with regards to cooking. At least in the west, people have to work many hours and it is impractical for a person to work long hours, come home in a state of tiredness and then cook food himself, maintain the house, and have a spouse who is lax and lenient in her duties because she says, "I follow madhab xyz so I'm free of accountability." The benefit of keeping a healthy marriage, harmony and love between the two spouses can be easily achieved if they look at the benefits rather than the opinions.

Allah knows best.

w/salam

**Who Am I?** · 08-15-2011

Originally Posted by flowergarden

Salaam brother,
Jazak Allah Khair. Inshallah I hope it remains this way. I just care much about a man who is planning on asking for my hand and of course he is a great muslim and had a relationsip before but sometimes I feel he deserves better than me, even thou I would never hurt or harm him... I would take care od my husband. I am just praying it is who I believe it will be. I fear Allah and my actions that is it.

Allah bless all of you for helping me!

I can relate to the not feeling worthy part. I too have struggled with self-esteem issues going back to my teenage years, though not for the same reasons as you. I am still dealing with those issues 20 years later.

Anyway, in my opinion, if he asks you about your past, maybe you shouldn't be with this brother. I wouldn't ask if it was me, because frankly it's not that important. I don't care about what happened 10 years ago. I only care about now, today. Frankly, I think it's a little rude for a man to ask a woman about her past history, and vice versa. It's not fair to you or to those other people from your past.

We all have our dark secrets from our past, but those shouldn't interfere with what is going on now, today. If this brother really cares about you, he won't ask about your past. Now whether or not you want to tell him is up to you. But if he really respects you, he won't ask about it.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I see it.

**جوري** · 08-15-2011

Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif

Same is the issue with a wife serving her husband with regards to cooking. At least in the west, people have to work many hours and it is impractical for a person to work long hours, come home in a state of tiredness and then cook food himself, maintain the house, and have a spouse who is lax and lenient in her duties because she says, "I follow madhab xyz so I'm free of accountability." The benefit of keeping a healthy marriage, harmony and love between the two spouses can be easily achieved if they look at the benefits rather than the opinions.

Agree. Except many wives work for 12-13 sometime 24 hours straight and even longer not just in the west. In Egypt I had a car accident with a local doctor who was according to her on a 72 hour shift.. so I think a husband should be merciful and considerate with in his demands.. as the Arabic adage goes 'izha aradt an tota3 f'amor bema yostata3' = if you want to be obeyed then demand what is reasonable..

The odd thing I find is that women who stay at home seem to do nothing as is the case with my sis in law where my bro comes after a hard days work to cook, whereas women who work are demanded to have a home cooked meal every night.. such as the case with sis, or my uncle's wife.. sob7an Allah, I love my uncle but have never seen a man like him, his poor wife contributes to household and every penny she makes goes to the kids or to the house and then has to cater to everyone based on his demands.. and I don't think that's fair frankly..

**flowergarden** · 08-16-2011

Originally Posted by Hamza Asadullah

Asalaamu Alaikum, My sister you have already confirmed that you remain a virgin therefore you do not need to tell him anything at all. You have also confirmed that he has also had a previous relationship so you are both in the same position having previous relationships.

So there is nothing to worry about sister and there is no need to tell him anything. Just go about marriage in the right manner in the way that pleases Allah and you will not get hurt again because you rely upon him and you accept his decree. Know that if you do end up marrying him then it was best for you but if you do not then Allah has someone better in store for you.

May Allah do what is best for you. Ameen

Salaam Brother Hamza,
Jazak Allah Khair. May Allah bless you always for your beautiful advice. I truly appreciate your sincere and truthful feed-back. It helps me heal my heart. I will keep you in my Prayers/duaas and Insh'Allah, Allah bless you with what is always best for you and you will always be happy and healthy! Allah bless you brother. Jazak Allah Khair

Originally Posted by SFatima

sister, peace and blessings be with you. I have read your story and a lot of good advices have been given , though I'll share something with you.

Regarding your question, It is recommended by Scholars to never reveal your past mistakes to anyone, let alone your spouse. I understand that for help and support you have shared yours here, but let me assure you that islam does NOT require you to confess about your past sins to ANYONE except Allah swt. So, for starters, clear that concept that you have to tell someone, it is only Allah swt that you have to tell about personal sins. Then there come other sins, like deceiving, lying backbiting or stealing or being rude, the kind of sins that you do have to seek the person's apology in order to move ahead in the relationship.

Asalaam Wa Alaikum Sister Fatima, Your feedback was very appreciated, I really do thank you from the bottom of my heart. Allah always bless you! I just don't want a bad marriage, as I believe in a marriage I don't want any secrets.... But I understand that it is best to keep such past mistakes in the past where it belongs, because I know I would never deceive, lie, or hurt my spouse and I know I will not make those mistakes ever again, as I learned from my mistake BIG TIME

and repent. Alhamdullah... This board is helping me move ahead, and I am very thankful i have found it, because I don't think I would if I didn't find it. Thank you dear sister! Jazak Allah Khair.

**flowergarden** · 08-16-2011

Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif

I won't discuss further than this post regarding this issue. It's Ramadan and I really don't want argumentation.

Let me break this down. To elaborate my point, let's take the example of praying in congregation.

Opinion (a) says it's obligatory.

Salaam Brothers and sisters, Regarding cooking! I love cooking so my husband will be happy I love to feed him

. It is my opinion that it should be equal work, I will be a working women as will the man I marry being a working man. When marriage comes, and I come home from work; I will plan on resting for 15 minutes and starting on the dinner... but when husband comes home I would prefer him helping in a bit... not with the whole dinner, just being understand! And I am sure many good Muslime men, will help! Just like money, I won't be careless to my husbands money, and ask for a bunch of nonsense stuff... The marriage I want is caring for eachother and seeing each others need. When I need help he will help as much as he can, when he needs help I will be there doing my best!

Opinion (b) says it's recommended.

Originally Posted by King of Nines

I can relate to the not feeling worthy part. I too have struggled with self-esteem issues going back to my teenage years, though not for the same reasons as you. I am still dealing with those issues 20 years later.

Anyway, in my opinion, if he asks you about your past, maybe you shouldn't be with this brother. I wouldn't ask if it was me, because frankly it's not that important. I don't care about what happened 10 years ago. I only care about now, today. Frankly, I think it's a little rude for a man to ask a woman about her past history, and vice versa. It's not fair to you or to those other people from your past.

We all have our dark secrets from our past, but those shouldn't interfere with what is going on now, today. If this brother really cares about you, he won't ask about your past. Now whether or not you want to tell him is up to you. But if he really respects you, he won't ask about it.

Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I see it.

Salaam brother King of nines!
Yes it has been very hard for me, I had to deal with a very brutal and heartless assault and I am assuming that is what triggered my issues, as I didn't seek counseling. Which I should have

. It was very hard for me, I lost faith... but Alhamdullah. I slowly see that I am doing good, I am going in to law to help others who have been hurt and left unjustly position, Insha'Allah, Allah see I am trying to do good deeds.
Brother I wish you see you have a great heart for helping me as much as you have... Every sister and brother has truth touched my heart and I pray to Allah that you always are bless. All of you! Mash'Allah. Allah bless every one here!