Frustrations in getting married

Assalaamu alaikum,


I was curious about the thread “Frustrations with marriage”. Oh my, it's long! And it meanders terribly. But there are some interesting points, and it seemed to me that it might be useful to summarize the points, before adding my own comments.


So here goes...


1) Young men feel a great interest in women. In order to remain within Allah's limits, many need to marry. They may not be employed. They may be studying. They don't have many financial resources, generally speaking.
2) Young women are not as keen to get married.
3) Parents worry that an unsettled man can't provide for their daughters.
4) Older women have little chance of marrying. Men need to feel physically attracted to them to notice them. And if they have children...
5) Older men have better financial positions, generally. If they have children, it is harder for them to marry than if they are single, but not as hard as for older women.
6) Men are afraid of being rejected. If they have problems with self-confidence (they feel too poor, too unattractive, too little in some way), they find it hard to approach women.
7) Both men and women are concerned about the changes marriage may bring. Both fear a loss of freedom. Women are worried about mothers-in-law and abusive husbands. Men are concerned their wives will interfere in their relationships with their mothers. Some people worry about the loss of a close relationship with their relatives in general, if they marry.
8) Some men think that women are looking for “luxury lives”.
9) Some men believe that if they get some “unspoiled” village girl as a wife, they will be appreciated. Poor women are believed to be more easily satisfied.
10) Some men think that women are emotionally labile, perhaps even irrational.
11) Men think it is unfair that women/parents look at finances. But they believe it's perfectly understandable that men select women based (at least initially) on looks. Wiser men think that looks are important, but should not be the ultimate basis for finding a reliable wife.
12) Culture has a big influence on how everyone looks at marriage.
13) Some cultures put a greater emphasis on lavish weddings and encourage getting into debt to marry in an ostentatious way. However,Islamically, it is not necessary to do so. A simple Nikkah with witnesses, mahr (size variable) and walima are all that is required. Legal registration of the marriage is not necessary (but best if possible).
14) Looking to get married seems like a business transaction or job interview,sometimes.
15) Men think women/parents are too choosy.
16) Some younger men feel that it's ok to live off state benefits and marry. Older men may disagree.
17) Many men think it's easier for a woman to marry. Many women think it's easier for a man.
18) Reverts have more problems finding a spouse. Other Muslims may find them “not good enough” to marry. They don't have family/community contacts like Muslims raised in Islam.
19) Being a good person is the best way to attract a good spouse.
20) Some men think it's a wise strategy to pretend to be poorer than they really are.
21) Some young women think their parents are following “stupid traditions” when they urge their daughters to marry young.
22) Some older men think younger men should focus on their studies, rather than marry. Some younger men feel they'd focus better if they were married.
23) Men are curious to know whether a woman would accept them if they were good people, but financially unstable.
24) Women are more reluctant to answer this. Some younger women say they'd be ok with this, but their parents would not.
25) Parents may be satisfied with a younger man who has no job, if he is actively trying to get one or is self-employed and hard-working.
26) Some men like to contrast and exaggerate: today's luxury vs the past's extreme poverty, and equate one with moral turpitude, and the other as deeply pious.
27) Need/dependence not a good basis for marriage.
28) People discussed how best to find a spouse
29) Finally, everyone agrees that prayer is a good idea, both to find a spouse and to deal with the loneliness/frustration of not having one.



I may have missed a few points, but I think these were the major ones.


For those curious, the ideas of how to find a spouse were as follows:

-Prayer
-Giving your name at the masjid. There may or may not be a fee for this.
-Matchmakers/mediators
-Tell family, friends, relatives. Getting guidance from an older person is a good idea.
-Going to weddings/community events/masjid events
-Online sites. Pure Matrimony was recommended by someone. Also, Half Our Deen.
-Going out and about. Living your life and trying to engage with people outside of the home
-Look for a non-Muslim spouse if you are a revert (said by a man; he did mention looking at her receptivity to Islam)





My input:

All these points are interesting, but I feel this thread failed to mention a very important point: marriage brings with it the possibility of children (yes,even if you use contraceptives, it is possible). And it seems to me that instead of thinking: why do women want such luxury for themselves, it might be useful for men to consider whether they are ready to support possible children. You may think it reasonable for an adult woman to strap a stone on her stomach when she feels hungry, but do you think you would like to see your little 3 year old crying in hunger? It is also hard to study when a baby is crying. And it's hard to concentrate on much of anything if you've been up all night looking after a sick child!


It might also be useful for men to realize that even if a young woman does not think about possible children, and is ready to throw caution to the wind and marry, her parents may well be motivated by a rational realization that if their future son-in-law is irresponsible, not only their daughter will suffer the consequences, but their grandchildren, too. Plus, they may end up (literally!) holding the baby...


It may also be an interesting point to note that there are many older Muslim women who would like to marry. They are often much less needing of much financial support, and more independent in their marriage choices. These woman are also a lot more flexible. They may well accept a second wife if you should want to marry a younger woman with more childbearing potential down the road. If you mention to the Imam you are open to this, you may find your options a lot wider. Of course, they are not as tantalizing as the younger ones...


It might also be interesting to note that our Beloved Prophet (May Allah Send His Peace and Blessings upon Him) married a woman 15 years his elder when he was 25. And he was very happy with her, even when she grew old and sick.



Finally, for all those men who think a poor woman would be more grateful, I'd say this: Rich and poor people are the same… except that rich people have more money... Yes, you may find a poor and grateful woman. You can also find ungrateful poorer women, and grateful wealthier women. The level of a person's material wealth is not a good indicator of her personality.


For younger women, I would say: your parents are mostly right. It is harder to get married as you get older. Men are more drawn to younger women. And a PhD doesn't increase your chances of marriage. However, you needn't panic too much. Don't bolt into marriage with someone you don't feel comfortable with. On the other hand, rejecting a decent offer because of some trivial reason is foolish. The size of his nose, or the annoying habit he has of pulling his beard hair out when he's thinking, are really not important in the scheme of things. More to the point: when you're sick in bed, will he bring you a bowl of soup and take the kids out so you can rest?


A young woman may also need to examine whether an older, more financially secure man has good father potential. If he is well-settled and already has children, he may not be interested in you having any or as many children as you may like.

As I mentioned to the men: Ladies, the level of a person's material wealth is not a good indicator of his personality. And if he's not kind with you, all the money in the world is not going to bring you joy in marriage.



For all women, I would caution against internet marriage sites. It would be best if you got your wali (or someone else, if you don't have family to do this for you) to search on the internet for you, if you can't find anyone closer to home. There are too many indecent and unscrupulous predatory men out there. Especially if you live in a wealthier country, you may well be a target for marriage fraud for visa purposes, being hit upon for financial support, or just plain disrespected and/or misled for short-term purposes. This can be a problem for men, too, but I believe it is worse for women. Having someone to dispassionately filter out inappropriate content and men, could be very helpful.


As for the fear of marriage... it is well-grounded. There are definitely going to be challenges if you marry. Spouses are tough. Men and women are different, and find each other irrational and incomprehensible (it's mutual). In-laws tend to exist. And even the nicest can get on your nerves, sometimes. And some are not very nice. Children are...an awful lot of work and responsibility. They mess up your sleep, make everything longer and harder to do, and (smile) will probably ruin your nice furniture…(they are so worth it, though…)


But for all these challenges, it is my belief that marriage is half our deen for a good reason. No, it's not because we're incomplete, it's precisely because it's hard. All the difficulties are opportunities Allah Gives us to learn how to truly love, develop empathy/compassion, learn self-restraint (sabr), learn how to be self-reliant, learn how to connect with others, develop strength, learn gratitude...


I believe that we need to develop these qualities in order to be able to receive them from Him. We need to know how to forgive, so that we can receive His Forgiveness. Mercy, so we can receive His Mercy. Love, that we may feel His Love. And we need Him so much...


Hardships can teach us to realize our utter need for and dependence on Him...and thereby release us from dependence on anyone or anything else.Release us to be able to care for one another without becoming slaves to our Needs.


Allah has told us: with hardship comes ease. With. They come together. There are always bright notes with the somber. There are always dark clouds in our summer skies. Life is not supposed to be Paradise. It's not supposed to be Hell, either. It's supposed to be a struggle. A race of virtue. Always.



Until it'sover.