Frustrations in getting married

format_quote Originally Posted by ardianto

Basically everyone wants to have life-partner and establish a family. But they realized people have a conception, to get a spouse, a woman must attractive, a man must have success life and rich, and both of them must communicative or able to talk.

Unfortunately not every person is 'lucky'. There are women (and also men) who physically not beautiful, there are men who born in poor families and life in poverty, there are many people who not able to speak like an extrovert persons.

It makes those 'unlucky' people have low confidence and underestimate themselves. They regard themselves as not worthy for their potential spouse. And they are afraid, when they meet a potential spouse, this potential spouse will reject them.

"Fear of Rejection" feeling is the main factor that makes people not able to get married.

No wonder if we can find unmarried men who never try to find a woman, or unmarried women who always lock themselves in their rooms and afraid to meet any man, although those men and women actually are expecting a marriage. Sometime happened, someone wants to 'matched' those 'unlucky' people, but one or even both refuse this help, and they miss the opportunity.

It is wrong to be afraid of rejection because one will get married if it has been decreed. maybe some ppl like those qualities such as being shy and quiet.there may also be ppl who don't care so much about money. it's important to do dua to get someone who will accept you i guess.

I think it's much harder for men because they get the desire for a wife from the age of 13-14 and they have to supress it all their life till they are about 26-27 when they are in a suitable position to get married, many times youngsters fail to suppress their desires and end up falling into sin. But all those years a man supresses his desires are a very hard struggle, every day he's fighting with his desires.

It's sad society is structured in this way that a man is not finanically ready to get married untill 24-26, even the age for marriage for men is rising because I have friends who finished uni when they were 23, and now they're 25 and still no job or wife, and it's not like they're not trying to get jobs, they try often but no one gives them. And without job they can't get wife so every day is struggle for them.

They could easily go out and get haraam girl friend and make her fall in love and then marry her cos she won't care that he has no job, but they fear Allah and wouldn't like this to happen with their own sisters so they don't do it.

And when they try halal methods, they just get rejected cos of no job even though their practicing and upon sunnah, practicing sisters even reject them and accept non practicing men with jobs, so I don't know, I feel bad for them, we live in hard times. It seems the key criteria for many women is if he has a job or not and is able to provide a luxury life, not if he is following sunnah or not.

format_quote Originally Posted by Jεώel oғ ωïѕdoм

It would be kool if that could happen.

I will make it happen or else no getting married

format_quote Originally Posted by aadil77

and what if he's living with his parents? lol

He should man up and leave the nest lol or make the nest spacious enough for all of us.

format_quote Originally Posted by Intisar

Or they could just become your neighbors.

The closer the better.

format_quote Originally Posted by 'Abd Al-Maajid

One BIG happy family!!! lol

Exactly

format_quote Originally Posted by 'Abd Al-Maajid

*sobs* What can we do, bro... Its a struggle everyday...every minute...to get a job, to think about marriage...
Talking about these things will only make things worse...so chill!
*gets back to play MGS*

you've got a graduated and got a job, what you complaining about?

format_quote Originally Posted by Salahudeen

I think it's much harder for men because they get the desire for a wife from the age of 13-14 and they have to supress it all their life till they are about 26-27 when they are in a suitable position to get married, many times youngsters fail to suppress their desires and end up falling into sin. But all those years a man supresses his desires are a very hard struggle, every day he's fighting with his desires.

It's sad society is structured in this way that a man is not finanically ready to get married untill 24-26, even the age for marriage for men is rising because I have friends who finished uni when they were 23, and now they're 25 and still no job or wife, and it's not like they're not trying to get jobs, they try often but no one gives them. And without job they can't get wife so every day is struggle for them.

They could easily go out and get haraam girl friend and make her fall in love and then marry her cos she won't care that he has no job, but they fear Allah and wouldn't like this to happen with their own sisters so they don't do it.

And when they try halal methods, they just get rejected cos of no job even though their practicing and upon sunnah, practicing sisters even reject them and accept non practicing men with jobs, so I don't know, I feel bad for them, we live in hard times. It seems the key criteria for many women is if he has a job or not and is able to provide a luxury life, not if he is following sunnah or not.

As'Salaam Alaaykum

Marriage does also have its trials..whether it be a women or a man.

Like someone mentioned one needs a job to marry and not a degree, working on a degree whilst marriage is an option? yes, i understand its difficult, so either you gain a degree, a good job and then marry and be patient or marry whilst gaining the degree and get a job and be patient.

Also some 'practising sisters' dont have 'practising' parents, so they are pushed into marrying someone with a good job/degree, because some parents want goodness for their child, so they feel if the man has a good job, he can give their daughter everything, happiness, etc etc.. im sure many will disagree with this..

besides, its not only the job factor preventing one from marriage, there are other factors also.

You see it is easy to commit sin, that door was never difficult, but to gain goodness can be difficult i.e sabr, bettering oneself, but is full of beautiful endless benefit and reward.

As'Salaam Alaaykum

format_quote Originally Posted by Yanoorah

I will make it happen or else no getting married

Actually i prefer this more : D a life on your own is so peaceful : D

format_quote Originally Posted by Yanoorah

He should man up and leave the nest lol or make the nest spacious enough for all of us.

exactly

format_quote Originally Posted by Jεώel oғ ωïѕdoм

As'Salaam Alaaykum

Marriage does also have its trials..whether it be a women or a man.

Like someone mentioned one needs a job to marry and not a degree, working on a degree whilst marriage is an option? yes, i understand its difficult, so either you gain a degree, a good job and then marry and be patient or marry whilst gaining the degree and get a job and be patient.

Also some 'practising sisters' dont have 'practising' parents, so they are pushed into marrying someone with a good job/degree, because some parents want goodness for their child, so they feel if the man has a good job, he can give their daughter everything, happiness, etc etc.. im sure many will disagree with this..

besides, its not only the job factor preventing one from marriage, there are other factors also.

You see it is easy to commit sin, that door was never difficult, but to gain goodness can be difficult i.e sabr, bettering oneself, but is full of beautiful endless benefit and reward.

But what if there's no jobs around?? And the few jobs that are around require qualifications? You said he should not study and just get a job, well when I was 16 for two straight years I tried to get a job before I decided to go into uni, everywhere I went they wanted qualifications or experience, so it's not as easy as, get a job and get married or study and just be patient.

This raises another interesting question, due to the economoy being bad atm, what would happen if there was not enough jobs for every person in the population? Lets say there was only enough jobs for say 20% of the population and everyone else had to live off state benefits, would we as a Muslim ummah not marry and say "we can't get married because the government hasn't created any jobs" Would we leave marriage because there's no jobs in England for the men and we have to live off benefits?

Atm unemployment is going higher and higher so what do we do with all the Muslim men who through no fault of their own can't find a job? Do we say to them, you have to wait around till you have a job even if you're going into your 40's and your still a virgin you have to wait sir until you get a job even though the chances of you getting a job in the current economic climate virtually impossible. Is that fair?

Actually there was a time when marriage was easier than sin, when marriage was simple and not over complicated with 50k weddings and women were content with a roof over their head and would stand by their man through thick and thin, even if they had to live off simple food such as dates cos there was no other food, you know my grand ma, may Allah reward her with Jannah ameen, when my grand dad was poor in Pakistan they would live off 1 chapati a day, and she knew he was poor before she married him but her parents saw good qualities in him so they gave her hand to him, and she stuck by him, I guess the women of the past are not like the women of today. And in being fair the men of today are not like the men of the past.

I guess my experiences can be summarized with the following, women want a man who has taqwa and treats them like the prophet (saw) and follows sunnah but when they have to make sacrifices to have such a man, such as living a life that is not so luxurious, then they scrap all that and it's the guy with the most money and offers the best quality of life.

And this is the feedback I've been getting from other brothers also but not all women are like this, I actually know few brothers who found good women, they didn't have jobs when the women married them, and they lived off state benefits for quite a long period after marriage till the brothers found jobs, but the women were sincere in their seeking a brother who is righteous so they didn't mind. Btw in England we have state benefits so I don't see how it's possible for a man to not be able to provide for his wife??

Sure he can't provide the lifestyle of a queen for his wife but he can provide food shelter and clothing, it's not like they're going to starve cos he hasn't got a job. So Idon't understand the "has to have a job to provide" argument I know state benefits won't provide a life of luxury but enough to survive on till he gets a job.

Maybe you can explain, why in England, does a man need to have a job to marry when there's state benefits that take care of rent, food, and other costs? The only reason I can think of is, "it won't be a comfortable easy life on benefits where we can fill our bellies as much as we want" I can't think of any other reason of why.

I mean I have friends who are non practising and had relationships with girls then when they became practising they quickly got married because they realized they were sinning, they didn't withhold themselve from marriage because they didn't have a job, they got married and lived off benefits, the women they married understand that jobs are hard to come by atm, and there's no choice but to live off benefits until the husband lands that dream job if it ever comes.

So again, there are people providing for their wife's and family without jobs, because of state benefits, that come from the taxes that their fathers paid when they were working. If we were living somewhere that had no system to support people without jobs such then I would say fair enough you're right, but that's not the case here, the government provides financial support for anyone out of work so it's not like his family will starve cos he doesn't have a job. And there's times when married men lose their jobs, they get made redundant and they no longer have an income so they get paid benefits and use that money to support their wife, and they do that for months until they get another job, you see where I'm coming from yeh?? You know my uncle, he was working when he got married but after marriage he lost his job, for the last year he's supported his family off benefits so it is possible.

format_quote Originally Posted by Asiyah3

How about divorced sisters, widows with children, older sisters or those sisters who aren't beautiful?

Now replace the word "sisters" with brothers and see for whom it's harder to get married.

All that you mentioned equally applies to men also, divorced brothers find it harder than single brothers, men who's wifes died and left them with kids find it harder then single men with no kids, older men also find it harder than younger men, men who aren't so good looking find it harder also, everything you mentioned applies to both genders not just women. I know a brother online who's wife died and he has 3 kids, he's finding it really hard, I know a brother who is divorced and he can't find another divorced woman to marry so he's finding it hard also, I know a brother who left marriage late and he's 37 and never been married, he's finding it hard also, do you see my point? everything you mentioned applies to both men and women.

I think it can be hard for both men and women to get married. I prefer my own company...and pillows.

format_quote Originally Posted by Muhammad Aseem

What's your biggest frustration / fear in getting married , the reason why you haven't gotten married so far?

Because I cannot live without my parents my siblings.
And biggest frustration is that I will loose freedom.
I mean Wherever I have to go ,I want to meat my parents I have to take permission to first my husband and then husband will think about that.Than he will go to his mother.Then she will think And nod his head with way that ..
many of my friend are married . None of them Told me that they are more happy in their married life than Unmarried .NONE OF THEM.
Irrespective of that that they have lavish life style,loving husband..financially more stable..
What girls have to make everyone happy.Make tasty food..For all of them..In response what they get nothing..She has to scarifies her herself.
(sorry for my bad english.)
I bet if you take vote I **** sure none of the girls will tell you that she is more happy than unmarried life..

Asalamualaykum,
Wow alott of responses and frustrations but you know just wanting to marry is not enough, we have to continously ask Allah to get us married to a righteous person who He thinks is best for us. Many brothers think that sisters are looking for wealth and what not, that might be the case but most of the time practicing sisters are not actually looking for that it is mainly the family.. also a brother who has wealth, degree but his deen is shaky is a problem. The beliefs have to match, I do want to get married and i'm not looking for a guy to be a doctor, or having a degree or being rich but my family is lookin for that. I let them know that he doesn't necessarily have to be a doctor or anything if his deen is intact if he is practicing, if he is hardworking and sincere, if he reads the Quran and Sunnah and obeys ..his actions speak for him but it is also hard to find brothers like that.. In conclusion, Allah knows best the time and the person we will get married to. It does get hard being patient at a time, it does.. both brothers and sisters who are strivin in the path of Allah is hard to find nowadays ..May ALlah give us what is best for us Ameen

Asalamualaykum,
post removed due to double post

format_quote Originally Posted by Salahudeen

. Btw in England we have state benefits so I don't see how it's possible for a man to not be able to provide for his wife??

Sure he can't provide the lifestyle of a queen for his wife but he can provide food shelter and clothing, it's not like they're going to starve cos he hasn't got a job. So Idon't understand the "has to have a job to provide" argument I know state benefits won't provide a life of luxury but enough to survive on till he gets a job.

Maybe you can explain, why in England, does a man need to have a job to marry when there's state benefits that take care of rent, food, and other costs? The only reason I can think of is, "it won't be a comfortable easy life on benefits where we can fill our bellies as much as we want" I can't think of any other reason of why.

I mean I have friends who are non practising and had relationships with girls then when they became practising they quickly got married because they realized they were sinning, they didn't withhold themselve from marriage because they didn't have a job, they got married and lived off benefits, the women they married understand that jobs are hard to come by atm, and there's no choice but to live off benefits until the husband lands that dream job if it ever comes.

So again, there are people providing for their wife's and family without jobs, because of state benefits, that come from the taxes that their fathers paid when they were working. If we were living somewhere that had no system to support people without jobs such then I would say fair enough you're right, but that's not the case here, the government provides financial support for anyone out of work so it's not like his family will starve cos he doesn't have a job. And there's times when married men lose their jobs, they get made redundant and they no longer have an income so they get paid benefits and use that money to support their wife, and they do that for months until they get another job, you see where I'm coming from yeh?? You know my uncle, he was working when he got married but after marriage he lost his job, for the last year he's supported his family off benefits so it is possible.

Living off benefits is down to your own ethics and the ethics of your wife-to-be's family - they might not see it as a respectable way of earning a living. Personally if I had daughters I wouldn't marry them off to men depending on state benefits. But it is possible if you show commitment that you're working hard to find work.

As'Salaam Alaaykum

I never stated you should not study. I meant that if you want to get married, these may well be a few options..like i said many will not agree..and im no expert.

format_quote Originally Posted by Salahudeen

But what if there's no jobs around?? And the few jobs that are around require qualifications? You said he should not study and just get a job, well when I was 16 for two straight years I tried to get a job before I decided to go into uni, everywhere I went they wanted qualifications or experience, so it's not as easy as, get a job and get married or study and just be patient.

format_quote Originally Posted by Salahudeen

Actually there was a time when marriage was easier than sin, when marriage was simple and not over complicated with 50k weddings and women were content with a roof over their head and would stand by their man through thick and thin, even if they had to live off simple food such as dates cos there was no other food, you know my grand ma, may Allah reward her with Jannah ameen, when my grand dad was poor in Pakistan they would live off 1 chapati a day, and she knew he was poor before she married him but her parents saw good qualities in him so they gave her hand to him, and she stuck by him, I guess the women of the past are not like the women of today. And in being fair the men of today are not like the men of the past.
I guess my experiences can be summarized with the following, women want a man who has taqwa and treats them like the prophet (saw) and follows sunnah but when they have to make sacrifices to have such a man, such as living a life that is not so luxurious, then they scrap all that and it's the guy with the most money and offers the best quality of life.
And this is the feedback I've been getting from other brothers also but not all women are like this, I actually know few brothers who found good women, they didn't have jobs when the women married them, and they lived off state benefits for quite a long period after marriage till the brothers found jobs, but the women were sincere in their seeking a brother who is righteous so they didn't mind. Btw in England we have state benefits so I don't see how it's possible for a man to not be able to provide for his wife??
Sure he can't provide the lifestyle of a queen for his wife but he can provide food shelter and clothing, it's not like they're going to starve cos he hasn't got a job. So Idon't understand the "has to have a job to provide" argument I know state benefits won't provide a life of luxury but enough to survive on till he gets a job.

There was indeed a time, and there still is a time..where you can find a women who doesnt care about money and all and men who dont either..though it may be rare.

Im not looking nor i do believe any sis i know is look for for a 50k wedding or to be treated like a complete 'Queen' meaning all rich and what not, this is ridiculous. Its just that this is the west or the change of mindsets or love for dunya, Allaah knows, so many dont understand this, its called living a 'simple' life which is a perfect life. The 'has to have a job to provide' argument is something essential in today's world, i dont think any parent will let their daughter marry someone who is jobless. There will be some criteria's you will have to meet whether you like it or not. Ofcourse deen is a priority, but i think these are 2 things that seem to be important today.

If state benefits means you will be aiming to find a job soon enough and not live on benefits your whole life then so be it..This life is short, no need of luxury, simple life is luxurious enough alhamdulilaah.

I hope that Allaah grant you a pious wife who meets your needs Aameen

I apologise if ive said anything wrong, correct me if so.

format_quote Originally Posted by Souljette

Asalamualaykum,
Wow alott of responses and frustrations but you know just wanting to marry is not enough, we have to continously ask Allah to get us married to a righteous person who He thinks is best for us. Many brothers think that sisters are looking for wealth and what not, that might be the case but most of the time practicing sisters are not actually looking for that it is mainly the family.. also a brother who has wealth, degree but his deen is shaky is a problem. The beliefs have to match, I do want to get married and i'm not looking for a guy to be a doctor, or having a degree or being rich but my family is lookin for that. I let them know that he doesn't necessarily have to be a doctor or anything if his deen is intact if he is practicing, if he is hardworking and sincere, if he reads the Quran and Sunnah and obeys ..his actions speak for him but it is also hard to find brothers like that.. In conclusion, Allah knows best the time and the person we will get married to. It does get hard being patient at a time, it does.. both brothers and sisters who are strivin in the path of Allah is hard to find nowadays ..May ALlah give us what is best for us Ameen

Wa Alaaykum As'Salaam

I agree.. Aameen to the du'aa..may Allaah grant you a pious husband Aameen.