“I wish my husband dies,” a Caucasian sister quietly expresses her deep desire, which she thinks will end her miserable marital situation. She is married to a Moroccan man and has been abused throughout her married life.
Her abusive relationship has brought her to the point of wishing for her husband's death, but she is unwilling to get out of the marriage for only one reason: financial instability. Her husband is the breadwinner and she left her studies to convert and marry him. If she leaves the marriage, she will not have anyone to support her or her children.
Another sister is in a worse situation; her husband not only verbally abuses her, but also suffers a sexual addiction. She also remains in her marriage because she is unable to financially support herself and her children. She says if anyone from her family could buy her an accommodation she would leave her husband the same day.
When it comes to domestic violence or abusive relationships, the issues of shame and dishonor have often been addressed. However, there are other reasons why women endure:
Financial Support
Many Muslim women endure domestic violence because they do not have the financial means to support themselves or their children. In most cases, husbands are the sole breadwinner and the wife becomes highly dependent on him for financial support. She would rather take the abuse than try to become financially independent.
Lack of Academic Education
Even in current times, many parents continue to put more emphasis on their sons' education and undermine that of their daughters. As soon as a good suitor approaches, parents marry their daughters off without taking any future commitments to the completion of her education.
Complications in Remarrying
It is a well-known fact that divorced Muslim women have a hard time remarrying, especially if they have children. The fear of living a life without a husband seems more difficult than having one who is abusive.
Self-Image
Sometimes women with education and financial stability tolerate domestic violence just to maintain the image of being in a stable relationship. In their minds, an unsuccessful marriage is conceived as a failure on their part. Their ego stops them from being known as the “victims” of domestic violence.
For the Children's Sake
At other times women drag along their relationship just so that their children don't have to grow up in broken homes. They believe a family with a mother and father is better than one with a single parent.
Should Women Endure?
No matter what the reason may be, there is no excuse for enduring injustice. Unfortunately, in many cultures, there is so much negativity associated with seeking help through a third party and/or pursuing a divorce, that many women willingly endure domestic violence rather than protect their rights.
1. Seek Help
First, let us realize that not every case of domestic violence has to end in divorce. True, there are cases that definitely require a divorce, but there are other cases that can be sorted out without one. One may never know until they seek professional help.
2. Your Marriage is not SOLELY your Responsibility
Do not be deceived into thinking that you are the one responsible for disclosing the “secrets” of your marriage by seeking help. You need help, your spouse needs help and your marriage needs help. If your spouse was sick, would you not go to the doctor to help explain his/her situation? Only selective people need to know what is happening in your marriage. Seek help though a professional and through close family members and friends whom you can trust.
3. Evil Effects on Children
You will not be putting your children though any “embarrassing” situation should you seek help though a third party. They will, in fact, appreciate any help you can get to resolve the issue, rather than growing up watching their mother being abused by their father.
In case the solution is a divorce, again it is better for the children to grow up in an outwardly broken home rather than growing up, emotionally traumatized, in an internally broken home, trying to keep it a secret.
Complications of Remarriage, Financial Instability, and the Muslim Community:
In cases where the solution is divorce from an abusive relationship, the quandaries of remarriage and financial support need answers. We are not living in the time of the ṣaḥābah, where divorced/widowed women had no difficulty in remarrying. It is not practical for women to live a single life. Even when offering polygamy as a solution, hardly any brothers are willing to marry a divorcee with children.
Neither are we living in 'Umar raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him)'s time, who had set up an excellent support system for single women with no male family member to support them. Many sisters in the US do not work, and solely rely upon the husband for financial support.
Please do not misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that due to these challenges a destructive marriage needs to drag, rather I am encouraging the Muslim communities to think of solutions for these issues.
“He [Allāh] will make for him of his matter ease.”
While we find the practical solutions, let me remind my sisters and brothers who want to leave an abusive marriage to put their trust in Allāh as He instructed us.
“And whoever fears Allāh – He will make for him a way out And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allāh – then He is sufficient for him.” (Al-Ṭalāq: 2-3)
It is interesting that Sūrat'l-Ṭalāq (divorce) is full of verses reminding us about putting tawakkul in Allāh and solely relying on Him for support. There are several reminders in this surah that Allāh will bring ease and Allāh will not overburden a soul, subhanAllāh.
Tie your Camel
When a family member was getting married, her husband-to-be, who is a very practicing brother māshā'Allāh, did not deem it necessary for his wife to complete her education. Though her parents wanted her to, they didn't want to miss the good proposal either. The suitor promised that he will provide his best for her as long as he lives, and in case anything was to happen to him, then his wife should put tawakkul in Allāh and make the best of her situation.
Alhamdullilah the need never arose and the parents didn't have to regret their decision. But, there are other cases where the husband turns out to be a very different person than what he had appeared initially. Daughters have to make the “best of their situation”.
I believe the necessity of educating our daughters (not to mention the importance of education itself) is vital, especially in our times. I am a proponent of early marriages, but I also believe that a higher education for our daughters is “tying your camel's rope”. Allāh knows best.
Parents will have to come up with ways to support both early marriage and education without one becoming a hindrance to the other.
May Allāhsubḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) protect Muslim families, bless their marriages with love and harmony, and protect our children and bless them with salih spouses, āmīn ya rabb.
This I assume is fashioned after the Tarasoff law from the U.S where you've a duty to protect and a duty to warn after a psychopath told his counselor he wanted to kill his GF and eventually did!
Prevention is better than a cure as they say in this case there's no coming back from death or permanent brain damage..
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
That is so true, except the only difference between men and women is that he could easily divorce her and society will not stigmatize him. And more importantly, there is a huge disparity between the level of violence inflicted on women and men.
Men abuse women on a higher rate and level than women abuse men. The problem is more severe for the female gender and society really isn't doing much.
I don't rely on statistics. The only reason why it is believed men abuse women on a higher rate because women find it easier to report these issues. Most men are too embarrassed to report it.
format_quote Originally Posted by CosmicPathos
and he can continue on feeling like **** for the rest of his life that a woman he loved and married betrayed him? you make it sound like eating a cheese cake and moving on after divorcing her. At the very least he lost his mahr money. and lost the respect in front of his family and friends and colleagues that he let a woman stab a dagger in his back.
maybe that is why deep down I do have some concerns for the bent rib of Adam.
its a problem for both genders and parroting things like "will not stimgatize him" highlights your psychosis and loss of contact with reality.
good day.
I would say it would leave a emotional scar and hard to move on.
I have to admit, I know this is very wrong, but if my wife slapped me, I would get extremely angry. I would probably throw her out of the window or something terrible. O_o
Last edited by GuestFellow; 03-18-2012 at 07:40 PM.
I was looking at myself talking to myself and I realized this conversation...I was having with myself looking at myself was a conversation with myself that I needed to have with myself.
Yesterday I happened upon an anonymous post circa 2008-2009 which I believe was written by now a banned member & considering her other post on imposing an age limit for marriage (which I don't personally agree with) as one size doesn't fit all for all societies but I digress and with her last post I concluded something rather horrific took place in her life. She stands today banned and in lieu of members offering a root cause analysis to what she was feeling or thinking (mind you this is a Muslim) not a Muslim on a cusp not a kaffir looking to vilify & troll rather someone whose opinion was very much shaped by her events and whatever little condolence or help she was seeking was nipped in the bud in a most vile manner which I didn't expect at all from Muslims let alone people that I'd otherwise have tremendous respect for.
I am hurt of what transpired and I am hurt for her. I only pray Allah swt shows her aright and accompanies her as she seems to be fighting many negative forces on every front and under threat to that which is obviously most valuable to her which is her child..
I have learned the hard way. Muslims are humans who are capable of making enormous mistakes and placing a high value on their opinion could put you in a very uncomfortable situation when certain socially constructed issues arise. I have repeatedly said that we should try to understand people's conditions from multiple view points, and not solely from an Islamic point of view. That is one important factor, but we should at least try our best to fully understand the structure of everyone's problem. And because of that I'm very hesitant when it comes to commenting on the advice section.
May Allah guide her and protect her child wherever she might be today. Ameen
70:28 Lo! the doom of their Lord is that before which none can feel secure
This I assume is fashioned after the Tarasoff law from the U.S where you've a duty to protect and a duty to warn after a psychopath told his counselor he wanted to kill his GF and eventually did!
Prevention is better than a cure as they say in this case there's no coming back from death or permanent brain damage..
What about the woman who says she will cut off the reproductive organ of her husband and everyone laughs about it.
California woman cuts off husband's penis
A US woman drugged her estranged husband, tied him to a bed and cut off his penis, police in California say.
The woman then threw the penis into the waste disposal and told police who attended the incident in Garden Grove, near Los Angeles: "He deserved it."
What about the woman who says she will cut off the reproductive organ of her husband and everyone laughs about it.
No prevention for the sake of men, when it happens it happens
Brother, men don't report their abuse because other men laugh at them. I know of a woman who was arrested because she was chasing her husband around the apartment with a knife. It was men who were laughing at him, and the overwhelming majority of women stood with the husband. Everyone knows she is the crazy one and is labeled as such.
This problem will be solved if men and women condemned the wrong person regardless of their gender.
70:28 Lo! the doom of their Lord is that before which none can feel secure
I have to admit, I know this is very wrong, but if my wife slapped me, I would get extremely angry. I would probably throw her out of the window or something terrible. O_o
are you a misogynist?
You'd be ok with your wife to be reading some of the posts you have here? would your mom or sisters if you have them be proud?
I realized hatred was a word I did not want to use, hence I edited it. But I guess it was too late.
No I dont hate women just cuz they are women. But this thread is only adding to the stereotypes when it assumes that it is easier for men to move on from a divorce. Perhaps for some it is, for other it is not. Just like it is easy for some women to move on after a divorce, and hard for others. My relative died with the constant agony when his wife was having relationships with someone and he had ti divorce her. It was not so much that he needed her, it was that for the first time, apart from his real family parents and siblings, he trusted someone, and that trust was crushed and smashed and destroyed and annihilated. It was an attack on his ego from someone for whom he purposely he let his guards down, and it was not easy to move on, no matter what lies truestranger spreads.
Last edited by CosmicPathos; 03-18-2012 at 08:13 PM.
Help me to escape from this existence
I yearn for an answer... can you help me?
I'm drowning in a sea of abused visions and shattered dreams
In somnolent illusion... I'm paralyzed
I realized hatred was a word I did not want to use, hence I edited it. But I guess it was too late.
No I dont hate women just cuz they are women. But this thread is only adding to the stereotypes when it assumes that it is easier for men to move on from a divorce. Perhaps for some it is, for other it is not. Just like it is easy for some women to move on after a divorce, and hard for others. My relative died in agony when his wife was having relationships with someone and he had ti divorce her. It was not so much that he needed her, it was that for the first time, apart from his real family parents and siblings, he trusted someone, and that trust was crushed and smashed and destroyed and annihilated.
You're a good guy deep inside & I pray insha'Allah that Allah swt blesses you with a good loving pious woman that you'll feel this same fervency & urge to kill for the way you do on many of your threads here..
But I hope you see that everyone has a story that helped shaped their beliefs..
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
I realized hatred was a word I did not want to use, hence I edited it. But I guess it was too late.
No I dont hate women just cuz they are women. But this thread is only adding to the stereotypes when it assumes that it is easier for men to move on from a divorce. Perhaps for some it is, for other it is not. Just like it is easy for some women to move on after a divorce, and hard for others. My relative died in agony when his wife was having relationships with someone and he had ti divorce her. It was not so much that he needed her, it was that for the first time, apart from his real family parents and siblings, he trusted someone, and that trust was crushed and smashed and destroyed and annihilated.
Correction: It's not easier for men to move away from a divorce, it is easier for them to leave an abusive relationship. There isn't a single human who has monopoly over trust values. One wrong does not excuse another wrong.
70:28 Lo! the doom of their Lord is that before which none can feel secure
You're a good guy deep inside & I pray insha'Allah that Allah swt blesses you with a good loving pious woman that you'll feel this same fervency & urge to kill for the way you do on many of your threads here..
But I hope you see that everyone has a story that helped shaped their beliefs..
On the surface, he's cold, but deep down, he's a huggable teddy bear.
Enough of me being weird. I wonder why men abuse their wives in the first place.
I was looking at myself talking to myself and I realized this conversation...I was having with myself looking at myself was a conversation with myself that I needed to have with myself.
You're a good guy deep inside & I pray insha'Allah that Allah swt blesses you with a good loving pious woman that you'll feel this same fervency & urge to kill for the way you do on many of your threads here..
But I hope you see that everyone has a story that helped shaped their beliefs..
Help me to escape from this existence
I yearn for an answer... can you help me?
I'm drowning in a sea of abused visions and shattered dreams
In somnolent illusion... I'm paralyzed
UK: Two women a week die in the hands of their partner. Dead women don’t report crimes. So please stay on topic. The fact is more women suffer from DV and if you want to take into account unreported crimes of men, please also take into account unreported crimes of women too. Women will still make up majority of victims in DV. Men are able to divorce their wives without stigma attached to them by society and are not financial dependent on their partner. Divorce may emotionally affect men but they don’t have stigma of society to deal with unlike their female counterpart. Either way violence towards your partner is not right. Plus the video posted, at the bottom says violent partners will be evicted; it doesn’t particularly say men will be evicted. Violence towards women around the world is epidemic. Stop trying to downplay that.
UK: Two women a week die in the hands of their partner. Dead women don’t report crimes. So please stay on topic. The fact is more women suffer from DV and if you want to take into account unreported crimes of men, please also take into account unreported crimes of women too. Women will still make up majority of victims in DV. Men are able to divorce their wives without stigma attached to them by society and are not financial dependent on their partner. Divorce may emotionally affect men but they don’t have stigma of society to deal with unlike their female counterpart. Either way violence towards your partner is not right. Plus the video posted, at the bottom says violent partners will be evicted; it doesn’t particularly say men will be evicted. Violence towards women around the world is epidemic. Stop trying to downplay that.
Salaam,
None of us are aware about which gender has a higher DV rate. This is because not everyone is going to report them. Statistics do not reveal everything.
Men have a difficult chance of seeing their children after divorce in the UK. So men can have a hard time as well. In addition, I have seen cases where the women has accused their ex-husband of rape and make their life very difficult.
It is a lot easier for the women to appear to be the victim.
I was looking at myself talking to myself and I realized this conversation...I was having with myself looking at myself was a conversation with myself that I needed to have with myself.
I think the bruises speak for themselves. Again, if you do not believe in statistics, and you do not accept the data that is available, then what evidence are you using to claim that men are as equally abused by women or more?
I'm sure there is a problem men deal with as well, but please don't compare apples with oranges.
70:28 Lo! the doom of their Lord is that before which none can feel secure
None of us are aware about which gender has a higher DV rate. This is because not everyone is going to report them. Statistics do not reveal everything.
Men have a difficult chance of seeing their children after divorce in the UK. So men can have a hard time as well. In addition, I have seen cases where the women has accused their ex-husband of rape and make their life very difficult.
It is a lot easier for the women to appear to be the victim.
If it is easier for women to appear to be the victim, then why the low level of conviction for rape?
Dead women don’t report DV. 2 women a week die on the hands of their partner which far more then men being killed by their partner. Can you explain this statistics? Men might have difficult time having custody of their children, but there are a lot more people complaining about that. Men might have hard time when accused of rape but what about those where their rapist get away with rape?
you said society gives stigma. well that society contains a number fo females. So females having stigma agaisnt females. go deal with them yourself before blaming men.
good day.
please address my points in this thread to Comicpathos.
Men are also part of the problem. Most will not marry divorced women as someone already mentioned in this thread. People are trying to downplay the level of violence towards women by playing "it happens to men too". Most DV organisations do extend their hands to men that suffer DV and shelters dont close their doors to men. Anyone thats speak against DV towards women, dont agree with DV towards men. I dont like both but will not downplay one to benefit the other.
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