“I wish my husband dies,” a Caucasian sister quietly expresses her deep desire, which she thinks will end her miserable marital situation. She is married to a Moroccan man and has been abused throughout her married life.
Her abusive relationship has brought her to the point of wishing for her husband's death, but she is unwilling to get out of the marriage for only one reason: financial instability. Her husband is the breadwinner and she left her studies to convert and marry him. If she leaves the marriage, she will not have anyone to support her or her children.
Another sister is in a worse situation; her husband not only verbally abuses her, but also suffers a sexual addiction. She also remains in her marriage because she is unable to financially support herself and her children. She says if anyone from her family could buy her an accommodation she would leave her husband the same day.
When it comes to domestic violence or abusive relationships, the issues of shame and dishonor have often been addressed. However, there are other reasons why women endure:
Financial Support
Many Muslim women endure domestic violence because they do not have the financial means to support themselves or their children. In most cases, husbands are the sole breadwinner and the wife becomes highly dependent on him for financial support. She would rather take the abuse than try to become financially independent.
Lack of Academic Education
Even in current times, many parents continue to put more emphasis on their sons' education and undermine that of their daughters. As soon as a good suitor approaches, parents marry their daughters off without taking any future commitments to the completion of her education.
Complications in Remarrying
It is a well-known fact that divorced Muslim women have a hard time remarrying, especially if they have children. The fear of living a life without a husband seems more difficult than having one who is abusive.
Self-Image
Sometimes women with education and financial stability tolerate domestic violence just to maintain the image of being in a stable relationship. In their minds, an unsuccessful marriage is conceived as a failure on their part. Their ego stops them from being known as the “victims” of domestic violence.
For the Children's Sake
At other times women drag along their relationship just so that their children don't have to grow up in broken homes. They believe a family with a mother and father is better than one with a single parent.
Should Women Endure?
No matter what the reason may be, there is no excuse for enduring injustice. Unfortunately, in many cultures, there is so much negativity associated with seeking help through a third party and/or pursuing a divorce, that many women willingly endure domestic violence rather than protect their rights.
1. Seek Help
First, let us realize that not every case of domestic violence has to end in divorce. True, there are cases that definitely require a divorce, but there are other cases that can be sorted out without one. One may never know until they seek professional help.
2. Your Marriage is not SOLELY your Responsibility
Do not be deceived into thinking that you are the one responsible for disclosing the “secrets” of your marriage by seeking help. You need help, your spouse needs help and your marriage needs help. If your spouse was sick, would you not go to the doctor to help explain his/her situation? Only selective people need to know what is happening in your marriage. Seek help though a professional and through close family members and friends whom you can trust.
3. Evil Effects on Children
You will not be putting your children though any “embarrassing” situation should you seek help though a third party. They will, in fact, appreciate any help you can get to resolve the issue, rather than growing up watching their mother being abused by their father.
In case the solution is a divorce, again it is better for the children to grow up in an outwardly broken home rather than growing up, emotionally traumatized, in an internally broken home, trying to keep it a secret.
Complications of Remarriage, Financial Instability, and the Muslim Community:
In cases where the solution is divorce from an abusive relationship, the quandaries of remarriage and financial support need answers. We are not living in the time of the ṣaḥābah, where divorced/widowed women had no difficulty in remarrying. It is not practical for women to live a single life. Even when offering polygamy as a solution, hardly any brothers are willing to marry a divorcee with children.
Neither are we living in 'Umar raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him)'s time, who had set up an excellent support system for single women with no male family member to support them. Many sisters in the US do not work, and solely rely upon the husband for financial support.
Please do not misunderstand me. I am not suggesting that due to these challenges a destructive marriage needs to drag, rather I am encouraging the Muslim communities to think of solutions for these issues.
“He [Allāh] will make for him of his matter ease.”
While we find the practical solutions, let me remind my sisters and brothers who want to leave an abusive marriage to put their trust in Allāh as He instructed us.
“And whoever fears Allāh – He will make for him a way out And will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allāh – then He is sufficient for him.” (Al-Ṭalāq: 2-3)
It is interesting that Sūrat'l-Ṭalāq (divorce) is full of verses reminding us about putting tawakkul in Allāh and solely relying on Him for support. There are several reminders in this surah that Allāh will bring ease and Allāh will not overburden a soul, subhanAllāh.
Tie your Camel
When a family member was getting married, her husband-to-be, who is a very practicing brother māshā'Allāh, did not deem it necessary for his wife to complete her education. Though her parents wanted her to, they didn't want to miss the good proposal either. The suitor promised that he will provide his best for her as long as he lives, and in case anything was to happen to him, then his wife should put tawakkul in Allāh and make the best of her situation.
Alhamdullilah the need never arose and the parents didn't have to regret their decision. But, there are other cases where the husband turns out to be a very different person than what he had appeared initially. Daughters have to make the “best of their situation”.
I believe the necessity of educating our daughters (not to mention the importance of education itself) is vital, especially in our times. I am a proponent of early marriages, but I also believe that a higher education for our daughters is “tying your camel's rope”. Allāh knows best.
Parents will have to come up with ways to support both early marriage and education without one becoming a hindrance to the other.
May Allāhsubḥānahu wa ta'āla (glorified and exalted be He) protect Muslim families, bless their marriages with love and harmony, and protect our children and bless them with salih spouses, āmīn ya rabb.
[COLOR=#4B0082][FONT=comic sans ms]Both of you seem to always want to win an argument constantly without taking time to truly reflect on what is being said, and its precisely that kind of behavior and attitude that bring about these kinds of situations. QUOTE]
You seem to jump the gun, Ive read everything you have written. So what does mouthy women got to do with Domestic violence? Most scholars deal with this swiftly, if you rasie your hands at another human being, you are always at fault. They dont look for excuses and they dont care if the woman is mouthy. I had personal experience of scholar being swift and granted divorce.
Secondly, most of your posts consist of this...... oh I was a lonely woman and that is divorced and some dude came to rescue me. Oh brothers, look at me, ONCE again I am here to wave the flag for you! We women are mouthy and I am sick of seeing bruised women! Look at me; I am here to bash my female population!
Sorry, I won’t allow act like a fool in this thread!
No need to put the view of the other side, most brothers spoke of domestic violence towards men which I agree with. So being mouthy is completely irrelevant. I will put it simply to you that you are blaming the victims.
Secondly, the fact men are the breadwinners’ makes women make more vulnerable. And the fact you told them to read the Quran and never go to the police or shelter (there are Muslim shelter and some Mosque have shelters too) when they are beaten by husband is frankly dangerous and provocative. Your views are not Islamic and I haven’t heard or read a brother, scholar or anyone express idiotic and dangerous opinion.
Honestly, you deserve a SLAP across the face. If anyone is diverting the issue, it is you.
Last edited by Rhubarb Tart; 07-26-2012 at 08:48 AM.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one.." [Bukhaari].
You seem to jump the gun, Ive read everything you have written. So what does mouthy women got to do with Domestic violence?
Asslamu Aliakum,
If a wife continues to answer her husband back in a rude and inappropriate way, he may use physical force. I think by mouthy, you mean someone who is rude.
Most scholars deal with this swiftly, if you rasie your hands at another human being, you are always at fault. They dont look for excuses and they dont care if the woman is mouthy. I had personal experience of scholar being swift and granted divorce.
Yes, if a husband beats his wife, she can get a divorce. However, if she played a role in making her husband angry, then should she not do something to avoid angering people? For example, let's assume the wife was being rude to her husband on a regular basis. He snapped and hit her. In this case, the husband should not have lost her temper. The wife should not have been rude. So in this case, it's both are to blame.
Personally if I married a women who was rude/mouthy to me on a regular basis, I would divorce her and she can find another husband. The divorce will not have a significant impact on me, as I can always find another Muslim women.
Last edited by GuestFellow; 07-26-2012 at 04:11 PM.
I was looking at myself talking to myself and I realized this conversation...I was having with myself looking at myself was a conversation with myself that I needed to have with myself.
If a wife continues to answer her husband back in a rude and inappropriate way, he may use physical force. I think by mouthy, you mean someone who is rude.
Yes, if a husband beats his wife, she can get a divorce. However, if she played a role in making her husband angry, then should she not do something to avoid angering people? For example, let's assume the wife was being rude to her husband on a regular basis. He snapped and hit her. In this case, the husband should not have lost her temper. The wife should not have been rude. So in this case, it's both are to blame.
Personally if I married a women who was rude/mouthy to me on a regular basis, I would divorce her and she can find another husband. The divorce will not have a significant impact on me, as I can always find another Muslim women.
I am clearly not talking about a slap across th face. People snap, that is understandable. But to beat someone black and blue? And to do it on regularly basis? No, the person who beat another human being is entirely to blame! Repeated slaps, punching and kicking is completely wrong. The prophet (pbuh) and huge argument and never has he or his companions beat their wives black and blue. There other avenue walk away and get divorce. Cosmic clearly is talking about women that are beaten. As if they don't blame themselves already she telling them to look their own behaviour rather seeking justice. If someone was beaten in the street, would we tell them to look their own behaviour or would we advise them to report it to the police?
I was looking for Islamic site I went to last year and I can't find it. A man posted and ask the scholar to help me. He punched his second wife in the stomach (once), she was pregnant after an argument. He blamed on his first wife ( for stressing out and apparently cursed him), black magic and his second wife.
You know how the scholar responded? He called his actions disgraceful for three reasons:
She was woman
She was his wife.
She was pregnant with his child.
Now, the rules are quick simple. There is no excuse to beating another human being. We are not even allowed to beat animals let alone a human. Victims ( man, woman, children, parents ) for violence in their own homes always blame themselves. There is a line, beating someone can kill them. So why would you cross that line? Especially if you can walk away? You cross it, you need to be punished! Simple
Someone said to the Prophet, "Pray to God against the idolaters and curse them." The Prophet replied, "I have been sent to show mercy and have not been sent to curse." (Muslim)
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