Domestic Violence: Why Women Endure?

format_quote Originally Posted by ardianto

Assalamualaikum.

Culture plays important role in domestic violence cases. In my place, married women are still under protection from their families, from community leaders, and from ulama. If a husband abuse the wife, the wife can report it to her family, and her family will come to help her. Maybe just warn the husband, maybe register a divorce to sharia court, maybe report this violence to police. Even in some cases the wife brothers hit the husband, literally hit.

Not only the family, the community leader and ulama can intervene this. They call the husband and give him nasiha (advice) to treat his wife nicely. Nasiha from community leader or ulama could give good effect to reduce domestic violence.

If the wife decide to divorce, she will back to her family which will fulfill she and her kids needs. So, financial fear is not a factor to prevent the wife to get divorced. In my place the popular words of request divorce is "Pulangkan aku pada orang tuaku!" (send me back to my parents!).

But in fact, not every wife who abused by the husband choose to report it to the third party, and request divorce. There are wives who choose to remain their marriage.

There are two factors that makes them choose to not divorce.

First. They still love their husband, and believe their husband will be changed to the better person who will treat them well. There were cases which the wives families tried to bring these violence cases to sharia court or police. But the wives refused it, even those wives stood on the husband side and defend them.

The second is kid factor. They choose to remain their marriage because they believe, it's better if their kids still have parents who live with them.

However, different places, different cultures. There are places where the women are not so protected like in my place. In those places, if the wives report domestic violence case to the third party, it could be considered as 'inappropriate' action. Even their families could consider this as disgrace, and maybe they would not accept those women if they back to their parents. It makes those women afraid to get divorced.

Like I have said, culture plays important roles in domestic violence cases.

The cultural factor can not be ignored. Domestic violence continuous mainly because women are not getting the support they need from their families and societies. I personally thought that a father or a mother would feel the pain of their daughter. But in most cases the father probably has the same mindset as his son-in-law, while the mother has the blame the victim mentality. I knew a girl who was being forced into marriage, an abusive one for that matter. The Pilot was her own father, and the husband to be was a cousin. There was absolutely nothing I could have done. I told her to tell a family member that was understanding, there was only one aunt that was forced to mind her own business. Her brothers turned a blind eye, and close relatives were congratulating her even when she refused. She was being physically abused, so I told her to go to her community leaders. No help at all. It was a practice that was accepted wildly and the few that were against it were told to stay out. My last advice was to call the police if he strikes you. I went as far as asking my dad if he could do something about it, but my dad didn't even speak their language for him to interfere in another cultures, families, personal affairs. His advice to her was whatever you do, do not agree to the marriage. But at the end she was forced into it and when she refused to share beds with him, he broke her fingers, and literally beat her up. She did not go to the hospital for a whole week. Her injuries were infected, and her family didn't bother to go to the hospital. At the end we told her to go to her father's house and not leave. She did, and at the end they finally had to get a divorce.

But just look at all that preventable pain inflicted on her. For what?

When people continue to behave in a certain way because their ancestors did the same thing, then the good, the bad, and the ugly all stay the same. We live at world where the internet and globalization has brought the Muslim community together and to the West every Muslim communities problem is the Muslim World's problems. Not all problems are prevalent in Muslim communities, but that does not stop the world from giving it a Muslim Face.


Divorce is highly looked down upon in some cultures, while in others it is not even thought of as an issue. My grandmother got married 4 times, twice with her second husband. Most divorced women I know were perfectly able to re-marry in 6-9 months or two years. Using highly charged emotional words

the article does not really define what is meant by "abusive." As far as I know telling her to get religious education might be present as being "abusive."

As for sexual addiction, would then she let him marry a second wife? Using the words "sexual addiction" and "suffering from", I see. How do you define sexual addiction? Has he been diagnosed by addiction? Does his sexual addiction effect his other important areas of life? If someone likes to haev sex with his wife 2 times daily, that is not really sexual addiction. Might be to the wife if she is not into that sort of thing, but then again, he should marry another, or divorce and re-marry.

Good luck to the sisters.

I doubt the sister will present a husband actually telling his wife to get Islamic education as abusive. The term abuse is used when the victim is harmed physically, psychologically, and sexually. I think everyone knows that the term implies inflicting pain and suffering on someone. Abuse has both a negative denotative and connotative meaning attached to it.

We all know what domestic violence is, focusing on defining the obvious does not change the nature of the problem.

No, I only know of domestic violence which is physical and indeed unislamic. You can measure physical violence by looking at scars and bruises and general health condition of the patient.

I am not so sure about any psychological abuse as it is not measurable and is very subjective depending on the side of story you hear. It could be severe or it could be benign. No way of knowing. We all suffer benign psychological abuse in workplace. Medical students are treated like sh** by residents and staff. Clerks are treated like crap by their bosses. We all have to endure it, if we are to succeed. Of course if the absue is so obvious, we can always complain to the ombudsperson. But most often the abuse is silent and invisible ... we know it is there, and we have to put up with it, if we are to succeed.

Actually, psychological abuse or existence of mental disorders are measured using standardized DSM-III-R. Psychologically abused women usually have mental disorders such as depression.

Anyways, such matters are trivalent and besides the point here. It's obviously clear that abuse occurs and this men have to be punished for abusing their own wives or female family members. What can community leaders and scholars do, or are they also influenced by the same culture and this problem requires outside influence.

I know the thread is about domestic violence, but I wonder if I could mention the wider scope of domestic abuse.

This can include psychological/emotional abuse, blackmail, bullying, shunning/ostracization/treating as a pariah, and also stopping the nafaqah (spending money that husband gives to wife to buy food and for household spending).

Unfortunately, sometimes this extends to being inflicted not just on the wife but on the offspring too, even if the offspring are adults themselves.

Perpetrators are not always young/middle aged. Even those in their 70's and 80's and otherwise "pious" do not seem immune from behaving like this. Their main victims are at a similar age when their health, physical and emotional, really cannot take it.

One reason as to why women endure, that I couldn't see mentioned, is that if they try to look for suitors for their children, sometimes people think that children from a broken home will not be as stable. Also, there is the cultural perception, e.g. if the husband won't divorce but behaves as above, so the wife asks for khula, the people will say she kicked a practising elderly man out, what a wicked woman she is, especially if society perceives the man as being oh so pious and sweet. If she has to go, she doesn't want to leave the only home she's ever known. And of course, if he is the only man in the house, they think it's better to have a man in the house than not at all...

May Allah guide all Muslims and ease their affairs, ameen.

I even heard men suffer from domestic violence. Some do not want to hit their wife back, otherwise she will report him to the police station and then he will get in trouble for domestic violence.

format_quote Originally Posted by Insaanah

I know the thread is about domestic violence, but I wonder if I could mention the wider scope of domestic abuse.

This can include psychological/emotional abuse, blackmail, bullying, shunning/ostracization/treating as a pariah, and also stopping the nafaqah (spending money that husband gives to wife to buy food and for household spending).

Unfortunately, sometimes this extends to being inflicted not just on the wife but on the offspring too, even if the offspring are adults themselves.

Perpetrators are not always young/middle aged. Even those in their 70's and 80's and otherwise "pious" do not seem immune from behaving like this. Their main victims are at a similar age when their health, physical and emotional, really cannot take it.

One reason as to why women endure, that I couldn't see mentioned, is that if they try to look for suitors for their children, sometimes people think that children from a broken home will not be as stable. Also, there is the cultural perception, e.g. if the husband won't divorce but behaves as above, so the wife asks for khula, the people will say she kicked a practising elderly man out, what a wicked woman she is, especially if society perceives the man as being oh so pious and sweet. If she has to go, she doesn't want to leave the only home she's ever known. And of course, if he is the only man in the house, they think it's better to have a man in the house than not at all...

May Allah guide all Muslims and ease their affairs, ameen.

Well stated sister. I honestly do think that the worst predators known to mankind are those who act piously in public, while they behave in the most cruel way at home. I think we just need to stand up for what is right more often, even if it's against our own selves, families, or friends.

Today, a sister put up a status on her page, saying "What if Muslim women could marry Non-Muslim men?" Obviously, that is insanity, but her reason was "They treat their women better". That is not true, for non-Muslim men could be as equally abusive if not more. However, there are more non-Muslims who openly criticize abuse of women, then there are Muslim men. And that creates the illusion of them treating women part.

We have to speak up, especially, Muslim men. They should be the first ones to prevent their fellow men from behaving in an un-Islamic and inhumane manner.

format_quote Originally Posted by Tragic Typos

I even heard men suffer from domestic violence. Some do not want to hit their wife back, otherwise she will report him to the police station and then he will get in trouble for domestic violence.

yup it is mostly in the form of blackmailing him to spend more on her as opposed to his siblings/his parents. or forcing him to choose between his mother or herself in terms of spending time. it depends on the type of man. if he was self-reliant and self-dependent and not needy from day 1 and made it clear to the wifey that he cant be puppeted around, chances of him being abused are low.

or in some cases, it could be in the form of not sharing the bed with him for no medical or obvious reason. or in other cases, as is common with both genders, having relationships with someone outside the marriage and committing adultery.

“I love my wife,” a Caucasian brother quietly expresses his deep desire, which he thinks will end his miserable marital situation. he is married to a Moroccan woman and has been abused throughout his married life.

His abusive relationship has brought him to the point that he is to embarrassed to seek help, but he is unwilling to get out of the marriage for only one reason: Love. He has relentless love for his wife and because of that he cannot see himself standing up to her and saying enough is enough, he knows she's fragile and does not want to lay a finger on her. If he leaves the marriage, he fears of how she may end up and who will provide care for her.

Another Brother is in a worse situation; his wife not only verbally abuses him, but also suffers a shopping addiction. he also remains in his marriage because he fears that she will take full custody of the children, leaving him lonely and dejected possibly for the rest of his life. She says that he is good for nothing, he comes back from work to find that she is busy watching loose women on TV and has no time to greet him let alone cooking him a meal after a hard days work.


Men suffer domestic violence too, and there is not even one domestic violence shelter...not even one!

Take it like a man!, and besides you are a nasty sexual addict anyway is what the media says!

format_quote Originally Posted by Tragic Typos

I even heard men suffer from domestic violence. Some do not want to hit their wife back, otherwise she will report him to the police station and then he will get in trouble for domestic violence.

That is so true, except the only difference between men and women is that he could easily divorce her and society will not stigmatize him. And more importantly, there is a huge disparity between the level of violence inflicted on women and men.

Men abuse women on a higher rate and level than women abuse men. The problem is more severe for the female gender and society really isn't doing much.

Guys, no form of abuse should be tolerated. And if you want to talk about men being abused by their wives, then by all means post a thread and we will gladly condemn it without saying "Women are abused too". That is a sad way of saying we are on equal footing when it comes to abuse and violence.

I do not see how saying "men are abused" too will change the statistics of domestic violence. This thread is mainly about women. Please stay on topic.

format_quote Originally Posted by TrueStranger

That is so true, except the only difference between men and women is that he could easily divorce her and society will not stigmatize him. And more importantly, there is a huge disparity between the level of violence inflicted on women and men.

and he can continue on feeling like **** for the rest of his life that a woman he loved and married betrayed him? you make it sound like eating a cheese cake and moving on after divorcing her. At the very least he lost his mahr money. and lost the respect in front of his family and friends and colleagues that he let a woman stab a dagger in his back.

maybe that is why deep down I do have some concerns for the bent rib of Adam.

its a problem for both genders and parroting things like "will not stimgatize him" highlights your psychosis and loss of contact with reality.

good day.

format_quote Originally Posted by CosmicPathos

maybe that is why deep down I do have some hatred for the rib of Adam.

are you a misogynist?
You'd be ok with your wife to be reading some of the posts you have here? would your mom or sisters if you have them be proud?

format_quote Originally Posted by CosmicPathos

and he can continue on feeling like **** for the rest of his life that a woman betrayed him? maybe that is why deep down I do have some hatred for the rib of Adam.

People get betrayed all the time by both genders. Just because a single female betrayed you doesn't mean that you have to take it out on the rest of us. It's completely wrong for both genders to cause unnecessary pain. I still can not see how two people that love each other could inflict long-term pain on each other.

"And among His Signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He put love and mercy between your hearts. Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." [Sûrah Rûm: 21]


May Allah put love and mercy in the hearts of every married couple. Their disunity is a reflection of the disunity of the Muslim Ummah.

format_quote Originally Posted by ßlµêßêll

are you a misogynist?
You'd be ok with your wife to be reading some of the posts you have here? would your mom or sisters if you have them be proud?

I think that when problems are no longer addressed verbally they manifest themselves in another form. Most Muslims come from societies where emotions involving relationships and family issues are not even spoken of.

format_quote Originally Posted by TrueStranger

I think that when problems are no longer addressed verbally they manifest themselves in another form. Most Muslims come from societies where emotions involving relationships and family issues are not even spoken of.

Yesterday I happened upon an anonymous post circa 2008-2009 which I believe was written by now a banned member & considering her other post on imposing an age limit for marriage (which I don't personally agree with) as one size doesn't fit all for all societies but I digress and with her last post I concluded something rather horrific took place in her life. She stands today banned and in lieu of members offering a root cause analysis to what she was feeling or thinking (mind you this is a Muslim) not a Muslim on a cusp not a kaffir looking to vilify & troll rather someone whose opinion was very much shaped by her events and whatever little condolence or help she was seeking was nipped in the bud in a most vile manner which I didn't expect at all from Muslims let alone people that I'd otherwise have tremendous respect for.
I am hurt of what transpired and I am hurt for her. I only pray Allah swt shows her aright and accompanies her as she seems to be fighting many negative forces on every front and under threat to that which is obviously most valuable to her which is her child..