The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.
1) Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this Often
Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, in order to receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew one’s intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.
2) Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in Islam
Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one’s spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood (sisterhood) of Islam, should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood (sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.
3) Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations
Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.
4) Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse
Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, “A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing.” (Muslim)
5) Be Your Mate’s Best Friend
Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse’s likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.
6) Spend Quality Time Together
It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.
7) Express Feelings Often
This is probably a very “Western” concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one’s feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The “silent treatment” has never been the remedy for anything.
8) Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness
Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.
9) Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past
It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.
10) Surprise Each Other at Times
This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.
11) Have a Sense of Humour
This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.
Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:
Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.
Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.
Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.
Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.
Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.
If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.
There seem to be presumption on this thread that I am lazy, dirty and selfish person. This is completely untrue. I am reasonable and hard –working. Take into account I did look after my baby’s father for three years. I hoisted him, bathe him, clothed him and assisted with toileting. And also done the cooking and cleaning and looked after my own child too. Therefore I am clearly not lazy as some of you may believe. I just want someone who is actually simple, responsible, reasonable and kind. I do not want to feel like a slave by cleaning my home like hotel. I never want to be at stage where I am at breaking point. I do not want to be overburden with work that is unnecessary. I also want to be able to maintain my part time job. It seems to me that would be asking too much. Yes this is a big deal to me. Sorry for the late replies.
would a husband feel respected if he finds his house, which he bought from his own money for his wife, in a mess just cuz the wife doesnt like to break sweat in maintaining it? :S
As i have mentioned before,this is not what I said,I just copy the Mufti who told the person about the rights of women in Islam.You can read my opinion here
But marriage is a relation ship of love,respect and mutual understanding.A woman need to understand that taking care of house is their responsibility and to earn money is Man's responsibility.
Islam choose easy ways for mankind but this is us,the human beings who make our life difficult by expecting so much from others.As i said before,one need to make sure the person whom he/she is going to marry,thinks the same way he/she do,or ealse,two persons of different thoughts will combine to make their life hell.
and what is this talk of saving "man's honor?" If she cant even save her room from mess, how can she save his "honor?" And in what way?
This talk of honor is mentioned in Surah Al-Nisa.It is about being loyal to your partner physically and mentally.To not get involved with the other man.
BTW,do you think honor is just to clean your room and cooking delicious food?Where you put chastity and cleanliness of heart and mind??
I have a child, so dont you think I clean? Of course I do! I just dont do it to an extent I have seen some sisters do it. And I dont want too.
I said on my post that I am clean as you go. I dont leave things to the last minutes and I expect my hubby to be the same. I simply want someone who cleans after himself. And I want someone who doesnt expect to make a meal that takes more than half an hour.
I want a simple person.
Ameen and thanks for Dua.
Sista
Theres nothing wrong with what u said. InshaAllah u'll be blessed with a simple, caring, loving husband. ameen.
Meals can be made quick, but it depends on the persons hand I think. Some people are quick cookers while others need more time. If u can make nice meals quick theres n/p. I wish I could cook as efficient & as fast as my Ummie. Bless her mashaAllah.=D
Going back on 'husband picking up after himself' ofcourse I agree. I think its about taking care of each other, imagine one day when u are tired he has to pick after u.=)
Last edited by Ansariyah; 01-13-2011 at 12:17 PM.
Learn Patience from Asiyah, Loyalty from Khadijah, Sincerity from Aisha and Steadfastness from Fatima.
I'm getting married very soon and if my wife don't cook for me, no problem, my mum will. If my wife doesn't want to iron my clothes, that's fine too, I'll get my mum to wash them and then I'll iron them myself. As for fixing my bed, again I do that, but you know where this would lead, me not wanting to sleep in that bed ever again. I can't think of any successful marriage or household where the woman doesn't maintain things.
I got no issues with men doing their own chores, but it's when women start complaining how difficult their job is that men get annoyed. Here is a quote for the OP and women out there from the Hadith.
Narrated Ibn 'Abbas:
The Prophet said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you."
I must also add here, that I have a friend who was advising me as a younger brother, he told me he allows his wife to work, but he doesn't look at her with the same love he did when they first got married, he feels that her working in the western world in a mix environment, his wife is used property. The world gets to see her and him seeing her doesn't feel special. He also said that since his wife started to work, he feels like he has no role in the marriage, like he is not even a man anymore. He comes home to an empty house, he wakes up and his wife is fast asleep as she arrives home later. It's not just the work that's the problem, it's the clashing hours, the lack of time spent together. The list is endless, he told me this cause I'm getting married and I went to him for advice. He said since his wife started working, the house hasn't be re-decorated, he hasn't been on a date with her for years and they don't have time to visit relatives.
^^That makes it sound like he just wants her to stay inside where only he can have anything to do with her, like the "property" he describes. It may not work for everyone but my mum and dad both work but still have time to visit relatives and go out together. I can't judge obviously, because I don't know the man, but it sounds he's being a bit jealous. The role of men and women in society is getting more mixed, which is a good thing, if they chose women should be able to go out and earn the money for the family and if men chose, they can give up work and look after the children (it's been on the news about an increasing number of men doing this). People should be able to do whatever they want if it works, whether it's within traditional gender roles or not.
I've just read your first post, don't get your mum to do things you can't be bothered to do yourself! I thought you said men should share in the chores, but if your clothes aren't washed you'd turn to your mum? Women and men should share the household chores, you both live in it, you both make mess. Also what if a woman has dreams and really wants to do a certain job? Should she give up that dream because the house may become untidy? Don't you think she'd get a bit depressed seeing a life of housework in front of her? Put yourself in her shoes, because in your vision of how things should be you're the man and can do whatever you like. Just because a woman is provided for and has a home (although a safe home is something to be thankful for) does not make her completely happy, we need excitement and to follow own paths too!
I think one needs to bear in mind that the husband has been out working all day and when he comes home; hungry and tired, is it fair for him to come home to a mess and fish fingers?
Ok, maybe fish fingers is an exaggeration but you get the gist.
I agree some understanding between the 2 is vital and the husband shouldn't carelessly make a mess leaving things everywhere but part of pleasing your husband includes making the home a pleasant place for him and vice versa, of course
^^That makes it sound like he just wants her to stay inside where only he can have anything to do with her, like the "property" he describes. It may not work for everyone but my mum and dad both work but still have time to visit relatives and go out together. I can't judge obviously, because I don't know the man, but it sounds he's being a bit jealous. The role of men and women in society is getting more mixed, which is a good thing, if they chose women should be able to go out and earn the money for the family and if men chose, they can give up work and look after the children (it's been on the news about an increasing number of men doing this). People should be able to do whatever they want if it works, whether it's within traditional gender roles or not.
I've just read your first post, don't get your mum to do things you can't be bothered to do yourself! I thought you said men should share in the chores, but if your clothes aren't washed you'd turn to your mum? Women and men should share the household chores, you both live in it, you both make mess. Also what if a woman has dreams and really wants to do a certain job? Should she give up that dream because the house may become untidy? Don't you think she'd get a bit depressed seeing a life of housework in front of her? Put yourself in her shoes, because in your vision of how things should be you're the man and can do whatever you like. Just because a woman is provided for and has a home (although a safe home is something to be thankful for) does not make her completely happy, we need excitement and to follow own paths too!
Firstly the man isn't jealous, he's just not happy than when he comes home from work in the evening his wife is not there, due to the different shift patterns they work, they are 3 hours off and by the time his wife does come home, it's time for him to sleep. He gets one day off in the week and even that day he has to help out his dad with their business as they need his English skills. So the point is this women likes to work, maybe she loves it, which is good at least she's happy, but sooner or later, the lack of time they spend together because of them both working different hours (they cannot be changed because both are employees and not employers) may end up pushing him away from her, it certainly sounded this way.
I've been alone without my family for periods of time (for work) and I tell you it's really depressing when you come home to an empty house, but you come home or leave in the morning even with a brief conversation with your spouse, it can make the world of difference to the relationship.
As for me not wanting to do the chores, I tend to do bits and bobs, but I'm starting to filled up with anger reading about women who just moan and moan and moan about these things. It's not doing the chores that bothers men, it's these whiny little women who go on and on about their rights. That said, my view on the entire matter has changed over the last couple of years, I discovered the Prophet PBUH did his own chores, so I will try to follow the Sunnah and do my own chores.
Firstly the man isn't jealous, he's just not happy than when he comes home from work in the evening his wife is not there, due to the different shift patterns they work, they are 3 hours off and by the time his wife does come home, it's time for him to sleep. He gets one day off in the week and even that day he has to help out his dad with their business as they need his English skills. So the point is this women likes to work, maybe she loves it, which is good at least she's happy, but sooner or later, the lack of time they spend together because of them both working different hours (they cannot be changed because both are employees and not employers) may end up pushing him away from her, it certainly sounded this way.
I've been alone without my family for periods of time (for work) and I tell you it's really depressing when you come home to an empty house, but you come home or leave in the morning even with a brief conversation with your spouse, it can make the world of difference to the relationship.
As for me not wanting to do the chores, I tend to do bits and bobs, but I'm starting to filled up with anger reading about women who just moan and moan and moan about these things. It's not doing the chores that bothers men, it's these whiny little women who go on and on about their rights. That said, my view on the entire matter has changed over the last couple of years, I discovered the Prophet PBUH did his own chores, so I will try to follow the Sunnah and do my own chores.
I can understand that both working can be difficult for a relationship, but they should look for a way around it that isn't instantly the wife must give up working. Why should it be the wife? You should think about the feelings of these "whiny little women", what do they want? Imagine a life where you had to give up your goals and look after the house every day. Doesn't the fact you don't like the idea of women not sticking to household chores make you a "whiny little man"? If women want to stay at home, and they have enough money to do so, then fair enough.
The reason I said the man sounds jealous is because he objected to having the world see his wife (?). She has to put up with the world seeing him.
I can understand that both working can be difficult for a relationship, but they should look for a way around it that isn't instantly the wife must give up working. Why should it be the wife? You should think about the feelings of these "whiny little women", what do they want? Imagine a life where you had to give up your goals and look after the house every day. Doesn't the fact you don't like the idea of women not sticking to household chores make you a "whiny little man"? If women want to stay at home, and they have enough money to do so, then fair enough.
The reason I said the man sounds jealous is because he objected to having the world see his wife (?). She has to put up with the world seeing him.
Yes they should look for a solution, but if there isn't one and usually unless you get flexible hours, or one or both of them go part time there's not much else that can be done. If one of them has to quit the job it has to be the woman, Islam states the man is the maintainer and provider. What kind of a man would he be if he sacrificed the job he had? As for men and women being whiny, I won't comment any further else people will say I'm sexist. But I'm sure you know what I'm thinking.
As for the second comment about him being jealous, it's a perfectly acceptable form of jealousy, isn't the term Gheerah? We men go to work and we have to lower our gaze, it's ordered upon us to, to avoid looking at women, so that the only woman we are allowed to look at (wives) is all the more meaningful. There's not much else to say on this except that if the woman covers herself and is trustworthy, he shouldn't, in fact no man should have any issues.
Yes they should look for a solution, but if there isn't one and usually unless you get flexible hours, or one or both of them go part time there's not much else that can be done. If one of them has to quit the job it has to be the woman, Islam states the man is the maintainer and provider. What kind of a man would he be if he sacrificed the job he had? As for men and women being whiny, I won't comment any further else people will say I'm sexist. But I'm sure you know what I'm thinking.
As for the second comment about him being jealous, it's a perfectly acceptable form of jealousy, isn't the term Gheerah? We men go to work and we have to lower our gaze, it's ordered upon us to, to avoid looking at women, so that the only woman we are allowed to look at (wives) is all the more meaningful. There's not much else to say on this except that if the woman covers herself and is trustworthy, he shouldn't, in fact no man should have any issues.
It's just that the roles women and men in life are changing, women have more rights around the world now which means they want to get out there and work and make their own hoices outside the home. It doesn't make a man any less a man if he's not the one working, as I said perceptions are changing. You may not like it but it's the way it is, things change. I'm not a complete feminist but after everything women have had to put up with through time, constantly being looked down upon, considered second class, less intelligent and the tools of men across all cultures then who can blame us for having had enough and wanting change? You may find it whining, but unfortunately it's the truth. :/
I grew up in a clean house and loving cleanness al-hamdulillah. This and I love cleaning (it's a
wonderful excercise and fun), I dislike lazy and dirty people (this trait in them), whether men or women
and this would include my future husband. I love clean and tidy hardworking people.
If my husband would come home from work or uni, I'd sure not let him return to a dirty and messy home, especially if I've been home the whole day sitting on the couch while he's been working (this would be wrong, simply).
However, as I said I dislike lazy and messy people, it would be wrong of him to walk around the house throwing his clothes & shoes or his dishes here and there and expecting me to come clean after him and put it into it's place.
The general cleaning of the house, I'd do myself, but he should do his own part, meaning clean up his own mess. Even a small child picks up his jigsaw puzzle and toys, how can a big grown-up man not?!
Cleaning and cooking is not such a big deal, I understand. Husband wife relation is based on mutual understanding and tie up with love. It is an agreement only to spend life togather but love only will make both of the parties to remain tie-up.
When my wife does all these works for me, cooks every new reciepe to amuse me, my appreciation increases towards her. Although, there is no restrictions for a wife to do all these stuff, but these are tiny small pieces of work to exhibit your affaction to your husband.
When there is nothing left but Allah that is when you find out that Allah is all you need.
i can't be arsed to breastfeed...i want a man who is able to breastfeed!.
Muslim women know your Islamic rights and stay in touch with femininity, the way Allah has created you to be.
marriage is a trade...a business...you offer something you get something that's how it should work....dont let other entities cloud your thinking, that men only want and are unconcerned about giving.
Last edited by Cabdullahi; 01-17-2011 at 09:17 PM.
you can ask him to hire you a servant several times a week who will do some of the cleaning so all the burden won't be on you. marriage is about understanding and compromise and being considerate twoard each others' needs. so while you would want him to care about what you want and not make you make the house sparkling clean everyday, you would also want him to have a nice clean house and you'd also be considerate toward his financial status and not make him spend more money than he can.
both partners should do their best to make each other as comfortable and happy as possible, not overburdening each other with something that would make them uncomfortable.
The kitchen was nice and tidy when my brother came in and just dumped a plate and cup in the sink, when I told him to wash it up up he whined that he was late and had to go out (to a football match). But I said no, there was no way he was going to leave that there and expect other people to do it. So he did it. I'm practicing for when I have a husband. Lol to be fair there are plenty of men out there who keep tidy, as I said, my dad's one of them.
The kitchen was nice and tidy when my brother came in and just dumped a plate and cup in the sink, when I told him to wash it up up he whined that he was late and had to go out (to a football match). But I said no, there was no way he was going to leave that there and expect other people to do it. So he did it. I'm practicing for when I have a husband. Lol to be fair there are plenty of men out there who keep tidy, as I said, my dad's one of them.
It was tidy and it became untidy because of one cup and one plate?
keep practicing your confrontational skills and then come here and keep us updated with your progress
The kitchen was nice and tidy when my brother came in and just dumped a plate and cup in the sink, when I told him to wash it up up he whined that he was late and had to go out (to a football match). But I said no, there was no way he was going to leave that there and expect other people to do it. So he did it. I'm practicing for when I have a husband. Lol to be fair there are plenty of men out there who keep tidy, as I said, my dad's one of them.
Cool. =D
May I ask a question? Will you, if Allah wills, share the caregiving of children with your future husband equally?
May I ask a question? Will you, if Allah wills, share the caregiving of children with your future husband equally?
Yeah, I think both parents should have an equal involvement.
Abdullahii-it will become untidy if everyone decides they can't be bothered to clean up their cup and plates (being in unveristy I know this ). But it's not really fair for someone not to do a simple task like washing up their dinner things when the other person has had to tidy the whole kitchen.
It was tidy and it became untidy because of one cup and one plate?
keep practicing your confrontational skills and then come here and keep us updated with your progress
He couldnt be bothered to clean up one cup and plate?
This is one of my pet peeves, when someone comes into a clean kitchen and makes a mess and doesn't bother to clean it up. The only people who I will let get away with that are my parents.
Salam
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). But it's not really fair for someone not to do a simple task like washing up their dinner things when the other person has had to tidy the whole kitchen.
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