The young and excited bride-and-groom-to-be; ecstatic about the upcoming wedding and marriage and the joy that it will bring. Three to six months later, reality has set in and both spouses realize that marriage is no easy task, but one that takes a great deal of effort and patience. The following are tips for both wives and husbands, to help make the task a little less daunting, and to increase the many rewards that are possible in such a marvelous and complex relationship.
1) Enter the Marriage with the Right Intention and Renew this Often
Both spouses should enter the marriage with the pure intention of pleasing Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, in order to receive His grace and blessings. The marriage itself then becomes an act of worship and one for which both spouses will be rewarded. Allah will be pleased with them and this will be the most critical element in ensuring peace, stability and happiness throughout the marital life. It is also important to realize that when an act of worship is continued over a long period of time, it becomes necessary to renew one’s intention often to remain on the correct path and to obtain the most benefit.
2) Remember that Your Spouse is also Your Brother or Sister in Islam
Too often Muslims treat other people outside the home with kindness and sincerity, but then behave in a very different manner when it comes to their own spouses. Muslims should always remember that one’s spouse is also another brother or sister in Islam and that the rights and duties that apply to the general brotherhood (sisterhood) of Islam, should also form the basis of the marital relationship. Obviously, a spouse has rights beyond these, but there should be a clear understanding of the rights of brotherhood (sisterhood) and adherence to these principles.
3) Do Not Hold Unrealistic Expectations
Before marriage, people often have unrealistic ideas about their spouse-to-be, expecting perfection in all aspects. This rarely, if ever, plays out in reality and can lead to unnecessary problems and concerns. We should recall that Allah, subhanahu wa ta’ala, created humans as imperfect beings, which means that many mistakes will be made throughout a lifetime. By turning the table and expecting imperfection, we will be pleasantly surprised and pleased when our spouse is much more than we ever hoped for. This, in turn, will lead to contentment within the marriage.
4) Emphasize the Best in Your Spouse
Since no one is endowed with all of the best qualities, emphasis should be placed on the positive qualities that a spouse possesses. Encouragement, praise, and gratitude should be expressed on a regular basis, which will strengthen these qualities and be beneficial in developing others. An attempt should be made to overlook or ignore negative characteristics, as the Prophet, sallallahu alayhe wa sallam, said, “A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing.” (Muslim)
5) Be Your Mate’s Best Friend
Try to think of what a best friend means and be one to your spouse. This may mean sharing interests, experiences, dreams, failures and upsets. It may involve understanding a spouse’s likes and dislikes and attempting to please him or her in any way possible. A best friend is also usually someone that can be confided to trusted, and relied upon. A spouse should be the kind of friend that one would want to keep throughout life.
6) Spend Quality Time Together
It is not enough to share meals, chores and small talk together. Spouses should also find time to focus on strengthening the relationship. Often couples get busy with their own separate tasks and forget about working on one of the most important elements in life. Quality time may be anything from having a quiet, profound conversation to going for a nice long nature walk, to sharing a special hobby or project. Both spouses should enjoy the particular option chosen and distractions should be kept to a minimum.
7) Express Feelings Often
This is probably a very “Western” concept and one that some people may have difficulty fulfilling, but it is important to be open and honest about one’s feelings, both positive and negative. The lines of communication should always be open and any concerns should be brought to the attention of the other spouse as soon as they arise. The rationale of this is that what begins as a simple concern may grow into a major problem if it is not addressed quickly and properly. The “silent treatment” has never been the remedy for anything.
8) Admit to Mistakes and ask for Forgiveness
Just as we ask Allah to forgive us when we make mistakes, we should also do the same with our spouses. The stronger person is the one who can admit when he or she is wrong, request pardon from the other, and work hard to improve his/her aspects that are in need of change. When a person is unwilling to do this, there will be little growth and development in the marriage.
9) Never Bring up Mistakes of the Past
It can be very hurting for another person to be reminded of past mistakes. In Islam, it is generally not recommended to dwell on the past. One may remember errors that were made so that they are not repeated, but this should not be done excessively. Certainly, as humans, we are not in the position to judge another person. Advice may be given, but not in a harmful manner.
10) Surprise Each Other at Times
This may entail bringing home a small gift or flowers, preparing a special meal, dressing up and beautifying oneself (this is not only for women), or sending a secret note in a lunchbox. A little imagination will go a long way here. The idea is to spice up the marriage and avoid getting into a dull routine that may negatively affect the marriage.
11) Have a Sense of Humour
This particular aspect can go a long way in preventing arguments and brightening the atmosphere of the home. Life is a constant stream of challenges and tests, and to approach it in a light-hearted manner will help to make the journey smoother and more enjoyable. You may also find that your spouse enjoys this characteristic and looks forward to spending time with you because of it.
Quick Tips for Discussions and Disagreements:
Begin with the intention to resolve the issue. If both spouses have this intention and plan to consult together, it is more likely that there will be a successful resolution.
Remember that it takes two to quarrel. If only one person chooses not to argue, there will be no argument. Generally, the one who is wrong does most of the talking.
Both spouses should not be angry at the same time. If one of the spouses becomes upset, it is best if the other tries to remain calm and collected.
Never yell at each other unless the house is on fire. Of course, house fires do not occur very frequently; yelling should occur at about the same rate.
Never go to sleep with an argument unsettled. This is one of the worst things that can happen in a marriage and should be avoided as much as possible. This allows hurt feelings and thoughts to linger and generally exacerbates the problem.
If one spouse needs to win, let it be your mate. Do not focus on winning yourself; this is the main reason that discussions tend to become heated.
I don’t know whether this question is answered. I did search and found some thread but it didn’t answer the question I want to ask which is Where is the line drawn when it comes to obedience towards husband? Like I don’t like to clean or cook at all, as a result I am clean as you go type of person and cook very simple and quick meals. I don’t ever want to break a sweat over household chores. But what if I married someone who wants me to break a sweat? It like every man dream to have a woman do everything for him right? But it is my nightmare. Can you disobey in that aspect and ask to pull his weight? I also work part time and I actually like my job. So if husband ask me to give it up, do I have to? Because I know for certain I would not want to. I know I should find all these out before marriage but what if the brother acting like he was completely fine with it then I married him and he is not fine with it. I just don’t want to be unhappy because I got proposed and I said no. I said no because his wanted me to cook, clean and iron his clothes. And he said he does not know how to cook or clean because he came from upbringing where his mother does everything for the father, him and his siblings. I hate to be a full on housewife. I don’t want my future hubby to be full on househusband either. I just want someone that pulls their own weight. Like He iron his own clothes and makes his pack lunch before work. Put his laundry in the basket or start the washing machine. I will make the food, make the bed and dry the clothes. I was a full housewife to my ex and hated every minute of it. I was completely unhappy and I don’t ever want to be in such circumstance again. And if i ever find myself in the same circumstance again, I would like to know my rights. So where is the line drawn?
I think this is something you would have to discuss and have an 'understanding' with your husband about.
With regards to obedience, this is something very strong with regards to the husband, but like i said, its about the understanding you both have. Men have certain roles and one of them is that he provides for his family within his means. Thats his job. Having said that Muhammed sallallahu alayhi wasallam also did household chores.
Now as womans 'role' is more the household things/to look after the family etc.
Our Lord! Verily, we have heard the call of one calling to Faith: 'Believe in your Lord,' and we have believed.
Our Lord! Forgive us our sins and expiate from us our evil deeds, and make us die (in the state of righteousness) along with Al-Abrar
I really think you should ask an Imam about this, who can give you more of a direct and correct response with the Sharia.
As far as I know their right to obedience isn't as broad as some might think it is. For instance, from what I know, Imam Malik in one of his books, he said a women is not required to cook or clean. So obviously, there is something in Islam that lead him to this opinion. So, it is not as much a broad term as some men may have it seem like.
But as far as clothes, you shouldn't be doing his clothes. The Prophet(S) did his own laundry, so if you have a man looking for a wife that will clean and iron his underwear, then that is someone who doesn't know his Prophet(S) all that well.
And there is many examples of the Sahabah and their wives where they would all divide the house work together, the burden was never left entirely on the women. So again, to reiterate, you need to talk to an Imam, and you need to read yourself so that you know your rights.
I think most men wrapped up in culture expect a "cook and clean " wife, just cos their mums do it. these are things that should be clear before you enter a marriage with someone. there is nothing wrong with asking someone to pull their weight, esp if you both work. & when children come along its hard for a woman do to everything, so the husband should be willing to help out wherever necessary. If its general chores at home, then there is no reason, why the man cant help out. If the prophet (saw) did it back then, then theres no reason why the blokes of today should think its beneath them, to help out around the house.
As far as I know their right to obedience isn't as broad as some might think it is. For instance, from what I know, Imam Malik in one of his books, he said a women is not required to cook or clean. So obviously, there is something in Islam that lead him to this opinion. So, it is not as much a broad term as some men may have it seem like.
what i can say with my limited knowledge....yes in islam there is no mandatory obligation for them to do such home works as mentioned above...
but on other hand if u see the life of Hazrat Fatma RA, Hazrat Asma Ra, and many more Suhabiyat, u will see they had done these work. rather i say, they had passed life with too much hardship that a woman of now a days cant imagine it. where there was no food for three days and Hazrat Fatma Ra had worked all the day to make cotton cloth to earn some food aloghwith house work. so what i understand is this is the matter of mutual understanding.
also what logic i observe with my limited understandig, islam want muslims dont hurts other muslim and all other being. so there was rights for every being. since hubby wife is a very close relation so in islam there is to much advise for them to take care of one an other feeling...eg
to husband, prophet PBUH said that be kind with ur wifes, and subhanAllah ALLAH SWT has said in Quran to men to be kind with ur wives. Allahoakbar !!! (Allah SWT nay jis ki safarish ki ho..agar humra boss ya father ya koi or kisi ki safarish kar day tu hum kitna khiyal rakhtay han or jis ki Allah SWT nay safarish ki ha...) and it is siad if she cant cook, clean and even dont want to feed baby, she is not obliged. its not her duty.
but on the other hand, it has been said to wives, prophet PBUH said that if some is allowed to make sajood to creation, i oder wives to make sajood to his husband. mean she had advised to obey her husband and keep him happy.
blv to mee its seems, i have been known to many property dealer. i see what they do, one party is seller and other is buyer. they first discourage seller that there are many minus in ur property and u will be v.lucky if someone buy it, but u dont worry we will try our best. then they call buyer and say, there is no match of this property, u will be lucky one buy it, even its v.difficult but dont worry, we are here and insh we will do this for u. so by this way the set a deal and got their commission and both the parties are happy and grateful to them..lol.... blv i feel same is ALLAH SWT doing, bcz ALLAH SWT wants none of human suffer, so on one hand ALLAH SWT is advocating for women and on other hand advising women to be obidient to their husbands...
to conclude, u see how much ALLAH SWT love us..we cant imagine...that y Allah SWT said deen is HIS greatest favour/nihma for human beings... bcz if there is no or weak iman and deen, we have pbms in our lives, and if we follow it, ALLAH SWt make our life happy and beautiful.
Dont u clean already? Dont u already cook? No offence but u make it seem like 'cleaning is such 'a big deal' Its really not. With or without a husband one has to clean its part of life n half of Imaan according to Islam. Breaking a sweat while u clean is also healthy, not to mention satisfying cause at the end of the day u get to enjoy being in a beautiful clean home Alhamdulilah.
In my opinion obedience really has nothing to do with cleaning, cause thats common sense its a basic human right, we dont need reminding. We should try not to attach such a negative stigma to cleaning as a wife. Anything good we do with good intentions InshaAllah Allah rewards us. I was reading the hadeeth today where rasululah (saw) says that we get rewards for even removing an obstacle from the road, its considered sadaqa MashaAllah.
Step number 1, Is making sure that the man u find is worth it. Cause no one should cater to a loser.. Who demands things arrogantly, or thinks the wifes job is only to clean after his mess. Good thing is Chauvnists/tarts can be spotted miles ahead, so no worry there necessary=)
Hope things work out alright for u InshaAllah.=) May Allah give u wats best, n distance u from all falsehood ameeeen.
I going to stick with my view. So I just need to find someone on the same level. Jsk
forgive me sister. i had tried to answer ur qst above but i think i cant make u understand, mybe bcz of my weak english.
anyway the answer as i said is its matter of mutual understanding...but what i wana advise u is...dont be lazy in life...be hardworking. rather u try to find some islamic opinoin reagrding not working of women...i suggest u should try to find aya and virtues regarding cleaning and doing our home works. as one mentioned above about cleaning.
JazakAllah
Asalaam O alaikum...any line drawn by Allah (swt) and His Prophet (saw), should be accepted wholeheartedly even if we don't like it. Submission is the key in Islam.
I would suggest pondering over this Hadith of Prophet (saw).
Imam Muslim records in his Sahih on the authority of Jabir that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said ...
“Iblees sets his throne on the water. From there, he sends out his troops to tempt mankind. The one whom he regards as closest to him is the one who causes the greatest temptation. One of them returns to him and says, I stayed with so and so and did not leave him until he did such and such,’ and he is told, ‘You have done nothing.’ Then one comes and reports, did not leave him until he separated from his wife.’ Iblees then brings him near to him and says, ‘How fine you are.“’
..The important to note here is that Shaytan does not like or considers much important what the former troop did, but he is so pleased with the latter troop, because the latter troop went and separated a man from his wife. That is most pleasing to Shaytaan, because the destruction of a family destroys the whole Ummah, or it leads towards further evils in any society. And specially if you have kids, they do not get the attention they need, and this leads towards them deviating from the right path. So we should be on guard always, specially if we're married, against any such thoughts that could create problems in our marriage life.
Prophet Muhammad (saw) also said... "Every one of you is in charge and every one will be accountable for those given in his charge....The wife is responsible for taking care of the home of her husband and his children, and she will be accountable for them." (Bukhari Hadith #2368)
Its said that in case of a necessity, the wife can go outside the house and work, but if there is no need, then they stay home and take care of the house and children. The Wife in Islam has been relieved from the burden of having the worry to earn and bring home the food to the table.
Scholars say that legally A wife need not cook for her husband and is not obligatory on her to do the house work. But since she does it because she cared, as she will be rewarded for being kind to do it even though she is not obligated to, then the husband should in turn be more kind, as he needs to repay kindness with double kindness. So if your husband does not help, then he should help you with your house work.
Prophet (saw) also said..."The best of you are those who are best in dealing with their wives and i am the best in dealing with my wives." (Tirmizi Hadith 3830)
I am sorry, i might not have given you the answer your looking for, but some important Traditions of Prophet Muhammad (saw) regarding the marital life. From what i know that Marriage is sacrifice, also it has been proven in the West through many studies that families are being torn apart because wife and husband both go outside to work, and it usually ends up in divorce because women are easy preys for strangers when working outside the house. And Allah (swt) knows best.
A few days before a man asked the same question to the local Mufti.He asked about the responsibilities of women towards their husbands.The Mufti replied to him.
"It is not the responsibility of a women to cook for her husband and for his family.Neither to do his laundry and further,man have no right on his wife's money.She can spend her money where ever she wants.The only responsibility of a women is to respect her Husband,to save his honor.Not to meet with people her husband dislikes.And to take care of children and teach them good behavior and manners".
I personally think that one should not be a burden on others and do their work them self.But marriage is a relation ship of love,respect and mutual understanding.A woman need to understand that taking care of house is their responsibility and to earn money is Man's responsibility.If two people can understand each others problems,responsibilities and respect each others wishes,than they have to marry other wise its good to live a seperate life instead of getting married and live a unhappy life
Also,what i can do for you is to pray for you,so here i am
May Allah swt give you a life according to you wish.Bless you with a man who is good,who can understand your and you will feel happy and satisfied in his company.Amen
A few days before a man asked the same question to the local Mufti.He asked about the responsibilities of women towards their husbands.The Mufti replied to him.
"It is not the responsibility of a women to cook for her husband and for his family.Neither to do his laundry and further,man have no right on his wife's money.She can spend her money where ever she wants.The only responsibility of a women is to respect her Husband,to save his honor.Not to meet with people her husband dislikes.And to take care of children and teach them good behavior and manners".
I personally think that one should not be a burden on others and do their work them self.But marriage is a relation ship of love,respect and mutual understanding.A woman need to understand that taking care of house is their responsibility and to earn money is Man's responsibility.If two people can understand each others problems,responsibilities and respect each others wishes,than they have to marry other wise its good to live a seperate life instead of getting married and live a unhappy life
Also,what i can do for you is to pray for you,so here i am
May Allah swt give you a life according to you wish.Bless you with a man who is good,who can understand your and you will feel happy and satisfied in his company.Amen
would a husband feel respected if he finds his house, which he bought from his own money for his wife, in a mess just cuz the wife doesnt like to break sweat in maintaining it? and what is this talk of saving "man's honor?" If she cant even save her room from mess, how can she save his "honor?" And in what way? :S
Help me to escape from this existence
I yearn for an answer... can you help me?
I'm drowning in a sea of abused visions and shattered dreams
In somnolent illusion... I'm paralyzed
^Well if a husband is lording it over his wife that he bought the house with his money I can understand if his wife chooses to leave it a mess.
I don't get the competition. Marriage isn't a war of the sexes it's a companionship/partnership.
Salam
Well that is a fact if he bought it from his money. Yes he shouldnt be reminding her of that but if shes not taking care of it, he has all the rights to put it into her head that she better respect his property. If she cant change her behavior then I guess its time to part ways.
Help me to escape from this existence
I yearn for an answer... can you help me?
I'm drowning in a sea of abused visions and shattered dreams
In somnolent illusion... I'm paralyzed
Well that is a fact if he bought it from his money. Yes he shouldnt be reminding her of that but if shes not taking care of it, he has all the rights to put it into her head that she better respect his property. If she cant change her behavior then I guess its time to part ways.
Maybe it would be best to part ways before his vs her property comes into play.
Salam
Maybe it would be best to part ways before his vs her property comes into play.
Salam
only if it was possible to evaluate the nature/disposition of potential wives before marrying them.
wsalam
Help me to escape from this existence
I yearn for an answer... can you help me?
I'm drowning in a sea of abused visions and shattered dreams
In somnolent illusion... I'm paralyzed
I think both husband and wife should care for the house together, I don't think it should just be the wife when the husband is making a mess too. My parents have always shared the housework. I also think if you really enjoy your job you should carry on. I think most married couples in the west work now and it doesn't necessarily mean it'll all end in divorce. When I was little my mum didn't work and she got really bored, so a woman staying at home is not always the most poisitive thing! Also pratically every woman in the west works with men (mum included) and they'll not always getting harrassed. Women and men are capable of working together on friendly terms with getting too friendly.
Dont u clean already? Dont u already cook? No offence but u make it seem like 'cleaning is such 'a big deal' Its really not. With or without a husband one has to clean its part of life n half of Imaan according to Islam. Breaking a sweat while u clean is also healthy, not to mention satisfying cause at the end of the day u get to enjoy being in a beautiful clean home Alhamdulilah.
In my opinion obedience really has nothing to do with cleaning, cause thats common sense its a basic human right, we dont need reminding. We should try not to attach such a negative stigma to cleaning as a wife. Anything good we do with good intentions InshaAllah Allah rewards us. I was reading the hadeeth today where rasululah (saw) says that we get rewards for even removing an obstacle from the road, its considered sadaqa MashaAllah.
Step number 1, Is making sure that the man u find is worth it. Cause no one should cater to a loser.. Who demands things arrogantly, or thinks the wifes job is only to clean after his mess. Good thing is Chauvnists/tarts can be spotted miles ahead, so no worry there necessary=)
Hope things work out alright for u InshaAllah.=) May Allah give u wats best, n distance u from all falsehood ameeeen.
I have a child, so dont you think I clean? Of course I do! I just dont do it to an extent I have seen some sisters do it. And I dont want too.
I said on my post that I am clean as you go. I dont leave things to the last minutes and I expect my hubby to be the same. I simply want someone who cleans after himself. And I want someone who doesnt expect to make a meal that takes more than half an hour.
would a husband feel respected if he finds his house, which he bought from his own money for his wife, in a mess just cuz the wife doesnt like to break sweat in maintaining it? and what is this talk of saving "man's honor?" If she cant even save her room from mess, how can she save his "honor?" And in what way? :S
Salam
Looks like you have not understood my thread.
Like I said I clearly do not want to be unhappy like my previous marriage or like my parent's marriage. I think I am and my child is entitled to the right at least.
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I don’t know whether this question is answered. I did search and found some thread but it didn’t answer the question I want to ask which is
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