Would you let your husband take another wife(s)?

**Ali_008** · 01-23-2013

Before I got married, my friends used to keep saying that I should have the polygyny questions done as soon as possible. Most of the times, it was brought up as a joke between us friends, but when I actually got married, I gave it a thought and asked my wife about it last Ramadaan. She instantly said no. I didn't insist anything, but I added that she shouldn't give the answer away as an impulse as what I'm asking is not something haraam, but something which Allah has permitted. She thought about it for a while, and then she said that she WOULD LET me take a second wife if I want to in the future. Although she also mentioned a couple of conditions which I found to be completely fair (but mighty expensive).

I don't want to take a second wife, but I wanted to know what my wife thought about it. Alhamdulillah, the discussion I had with her over it educated me so much more about what kind of polygyny is allowed in Islam. One of the conditions include that I should build her a house. That condition itself taught me that it is best that only the affluent class goes for multiple wives as they have the resources to maintain more than one household.

Along with that my wife added that she agreed to it because she feels that as Allah has allowed it then inshaAllah He will also provide her with the patience for dealing with it. MashaAllah I was very pleased to hear such pious words from my wife. In fact, after a few days I came to know about a hadeeth which says that when women are exposed to situations that make them jealous, and they hold fast to patience in such situations then those women are rewarded like the martyrs. I'm not sure about the authenticity of it, although I've read somewhere that it is da'eef.

As I have the green signal from my wife, I actually considered another wife, only to realize that another wife meant maintaining another household. That was enough to shoo me away as maintaining one household itself is pretty difficult in today's economy.

Sometimes, I also think that my wife would worry if I start making more money, because then I'll be able to afford another wife.

There are also situations when a fellow Muslim sister is in need, and there's no one to take care of her. Helping a helpless Muslimah opens a door of rewards, and that's another motivation behind my wife's consent. Here and there, my wife has told me that if I take a second wife, I should use that opportunity to support someone in need.

So dear sisters, would you allow your husband to take another wife?

***charisma*** · 01-24-2013

Assalamu Alaikum

Originally Posted by Qurratul Ayn

I love you so much!!! The fact you put it like that (your second part that I quoted) shows what an amazing, awesome person you are!!! O please shower this wonderful sister of mine and her family with Your blessings and mercy and may she and her family always strive on the right path and not let anything sway them from their path to please You. Please

Aww I love you too <3 Jazaki allahu khair for your kind words, may allah make worthy of them ameen.
May Allah grant you the same if not better ameen!!

Originally Posted by Qurratul Ayn

I personally haven't spoken to my husband yet about taking more than one wife and he has not said anything to me about it yet, but I should have this discussion and see what he thinks. We've had a very interesting and challenging (from my perspective) first few married years, it really was for me, but now it is going absolutely brilliantly.

You've inspired me, Sister *charisma*. I'm going to be brave.

Alhemdulilah, May allah continue to bless your marriage, and increase your love, piety, and happiness ameen!

I was the one to bring it up with my husband as well and alhemdulilah one of the things he said to me was, "I love you more because your iman allows you to accept a part of Islam that most women have a difficulty in accepting, regardless of you being married to me." It made me really happy that he said that because the way he said it made me know that my iman is the most important thing to him, which in return increased my love for him to know his love for me is not superficial.

I also think this question increases the communication between the husband and wife. It gives the wife more insight on what she should perfect in herself, or what kind of conditions would push her husband away from her, or what conditions he would allow himself to marry another wife. You can use this information as something that would make you a better wife to your husband so that he won't feel like he would need anyone else's attention, or so that you can strengthen your own personal weaknesses and help him in his. Also, I would hope that the husband would learn to feel more comfortable in sharing his personal thoughts with his wife, no matter how uncomfortable it may feel.

I wish that women would also understand that if your husband reveals to you he wants a 2nd wife, it doesn't mean he loves you less or wants to be with you less. I think the fact that he would reveal this to you and ask for your opinion means he respects and honors it, and would want you to be supportive of him, because the reality is, he does not need your permission to do it, but yet he is allowing you to have a say in it. He may even want you to choose the wife with him so that you know that you can tolerate her.

I am just trying to give a positive outlook on this, because first of all, its something allowed by Allah so we should accept it wholeheartedly, and secondly, I believe we have the choice to see things negatively or positively whether they happen or not. We women tend to worry over things that did not even happen yet! lol so why not just look at them in a positive way so that if they do happen, we are ready for them. we should trust in Allah to grant us what is best for us in this life, and to accept all challenges with a sincere heart, and to know that we are in control of our happiness. Above all, we are making our life easier to handle and pleasing Allah in the process inshallah.

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

**'Abd-al Latif** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by CosmicPathos

No speculations, really.

I look at Prophet pbuh as a mere human being with similar limitations that all human beings have except that he was not a sinner. He however did make mistakes and was not all knowledgeable.

Prophet pbuh has left behind no reason as to why did not he marry any other woman while he was married to Khadijah. To claim that it was because he had no desire for polygamy at that point is baseless accusation on Prophet. As for islamicas comment that "he was content with what Allah had written", if that is true then why did Prophet decide to stop herding sheep and take up business trip to Syria? He should have been content with sheep herding.

As for rights/obligations of marriage, do kaafirs with successful marriages fulfill all of them and hence continue to live together till death?

I don't deny anything you've said but at the same time you haven't mentioned anything that affirms otherwise.

**Ali_008** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by tearose

Would it be ok if two wives lived in different apartments in the same large house?

It depends on the wives. If they are fine with it then who are we to say anything about it, right? In most cases, it is discouraged, because such a setting might expose both/all of the wives to things which they may not want to see/hear such as intimacy between the husband and the other wives. As you see, it will only feed the jealousy, and might put the peace of the entire household at risk. Thus, it is encouraged that the wives are housed separately as it lessens the insecurity and jealousy.

Originally Posted by Cabdullahi

Ali opened a can of worms

Really? Naa, I don't think so. It's just the influence of society that we believe a thing which Allah has permitted to be a can of worms. I don't disagree with you, but feel sorry about the sorry state of our deen.

Sister *charisma* has posted some beautiful words for all the sisters who have inhibitions about this topic. Of course, it is totally normal to have a negative attitude towards anything that looks threatening, but as long as Islam is instilled not just in our hearts, but in our families as well then there is nothing to worry about.

I am finding it weird that nobody's is mentioning anything about the guy's ordeal in all this. Come on, multiple wives doesn't just mean multiple sex partners, it also means multiple responsibilities. 90% of the world population would say that they are unhappy, and the burden of responsibilities is thrusting them into the ground. Most people generally handle just one household, and claim to be dealing with the most difficult situations everyday. Think about a pious Muslim with multiple wives, that guy has twice or thrice or even four times the trouble which you're facing. He has to apply for four credit cards, and pay for them as well. He has to look after four different sets of kids. He has to make sure that four different women in all shapes and forms are content and satisfied on a daily basis. He is the shepherd of 4 different herds. The questions you'll be asked on the day of judgment just once, he'll be asked those question 4 times. He can't even think of a life without his watch and organizer.

I had once read the interview of two co-wives from Australia. Even they admitted that the one who has the most difficult time in their arrangement is the husband who has twice the trouble that regular husbands have.

**tearose** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by Ali_008

Originally Posted by tearose Would it be ok if two wives lived in different apartments in the same large house? It depends on the wives. If they are fine with it then who are we to say anything about it, right? In most cases, it is discouraged, because such a setting might expose both/all of the wives to things which they may not want to see/hear such as intimacy between the husband and the other wives. As you see, it will only feed the jealousy, and might put the peace of the entire household at risk. Thus, it is encouraged that the wives are housed separately as it lessens the insecurity and jealousy.

That makes sense, but on the other hand, it could be hard for a woman to live completely alone half the time (or two thirds or three quarters of the time). I'd like to be open to this idea in the future insha Allah but personally, I'd rather have the feeling of protection of not living alone than worry about jealousy. I'm surprised that jealousy is a bigger problem. I suppose it really depends on the personalities of the people involved, I was just wondering if it was permissible to have separate apartments in the same house, as I got the impression from some posts that it wasn't acceptable at all. I mean apartments on separate floors, not close together or anything. In some African countries, families have a kind of compound, and then have separate buildings inside it, and I've seen films where the wives had a good relationship with each other and the children all played together. Personally, I'd prefer that to living alone and my kids not knowing my husband's other kids, and me not knowing his other wives. Obviously the scholars know what they are talking about when they derive these rulings, but would it still be discouraged if that was the cultural norm?

**tearose** · 01-24-2013

oops sorry that quote didn't come out right

**~Zaria~** · 01-24-2013

Assalamu-alaikum,

JazakAllah khair for everyone sharing their opinions.

(Lets try not to get too emotional over this - theres no nikkah happening yet, so relax everyone : ) )

Originally Posted by 'Abd-al Latif

I will however say that every Muslim woman should take into account her eman and ask herself where she stands with her Lord by stubbornly refusing a sunnah. Marriage is but a means to get closer to Allah and not fulfilling just a means to fulfil lust and desire.

With all due respect akhee, I dont see how the above is justified :/

As mentioned earlier, the choice to be part of a polygamous marriage, for both a man and a woman, is an individual decision.

If a woman prefers to be in a monogomous relationship, it does not necessarily reflect on the state of her imaan.

I think we should consider the following:

1. Allah (subhanawataála) has permitted man to take up to 4 wives.
And at the same time, the quraan mentions that if one fears that he will not be able to do justice in this regard, then - marry only ONE. (in other words, it is permitted, not enforced).

Ones piety/ taqwa is not measured by his ability to take on 2/3/4 wives.
In fact, perhaps there is more piety in the one who choses 1 wife for fear of not being able to bear the responsibility adequately.

So, if we agree that a mans piety is not measured by his ability to take multiple wives......why does the same not apply for women?

If a sister rejects the idea of polygamy, despite it being decreed as lawful by Allah <-- this is a problem.
But if a sister says: I accept the concept of polygamy, but for myself, I would prefer not to be in such a situation -- does this imply a weakness in her imaan?

I honestly do not think so.

2. The wives of the prophet (sallalahu alaihi wasalam) themselves, felt jealousy at times towards each other.
And these are the 'mothers of the believers'.
In the same way that we do not question their level of imaan, by feeling as such - so too, should we not look at each other in this manner.

3. There are many reasons why a woman may prefer to remain in a monogomous marriage.
Perhaps she has had a negative experience in the past.
e.g. for myself, being from a second family that only ever saw their dad a few hours every week.....and then, never again..... and who has experienced the pain of a broken home......the pain of the first wife, second wife......and a man who is torn between two loyalties (that eventually, he had to chose one) - then no doubt, these memories linger.
Perhaps, just for this reason, she would prefer a simple, straight-forward marriage herself.

These are just some of the reasons that come to mind at present, as to why we should never judge anothers level of imaan - esp. if based only on their outward actions.
There are many sisters that I know of, who have such high levels of taqwa......but if they had to face their husbands taking another wife, they woud be in tears.

So, in the same manner that we do not (and should not, I think) - go out to every man, and insist that he marries multiple wives (because he may not be able to fulfill the great, life-long responsibility that comes with marriage).......so too, should we not insist that sisters try to 'improve on their imaans' or try to change their personalities in this regard.

For those who do wish to be part of a polygamous marriage - Alhamdulillah.

For those who do not wish to be part of a polygamous marriage (for reasons best known to them) - Alhamdulillah.
(As long as the sisters realise, that ^this decision should be taken before the nikkah (not afterwards), and that if she has not done so, then it is not valid grounds for seeking divorce in itself (as it has been made lawful by Allah) )

I think we should Just: Live and let live : )
Insha Allah

**tearose** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by ~Zaria~

(As long as the sisters realise, that ^this decision should be taken before the nikkah (not afterwards), and that if she has not done so, then it is not valid grounds for seeking divorce in itself (as it has been made lawful by Allah) )

Really important point. Would you say that the apparent variety of viewpoints on this issue means that it's something potential spouses ought to talk over when considering marriage?

**Iceee** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by tearose

I was just wondering if it was permissible to have separate apartments in the same house,

Salaam.

This should probably be the first wife's choice in my opinion. Jealousy is a concern and some wives would not want their husband and his other wife living near then. It depends from person-to-person.

**Periwinkle18** · 01-24-2013

Hmm I dont know nt married ,buh I guess I wouldn't mind buh my parents would

**~Zaria~** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by Ali_008

I am finding it weird that nobody's is mentioning anything about the guy's ordeal in all this. Come on, multiple wives doesn't just mean multiple sex partners, it also means multiple responsibilities. 90% of the world population would say that they are unhappy, and the burden of responsibilities is thrusting them into the ground. Most people generally handle just one household, and claim to be dealing with the most difficult situations everyday. Think about a pious Muslim with multiple wives, that guy has twice or thrice or even four times the trouble which you're facing. He has to apply for four credit cards, and pay for them as well. He has to look after four different sets of kids. He has to make sure that four different women in all shapes and forms are content and satisfied on a daily basis. He is the shepherd of 4 different herds. The questions you'll be asked on the day of judgment just once, he'll be asked those question 4 times. He can't even think of a life without his watch and organizer.

I had once read the interview of two co-wives from Australia. Even they admitted that the one who has the most difficult time in their arrangement is the husband who has twice the trouble that regular husbands have.

Assalamu-alaikum,

Im really impressed with your level of maturity akhee, at your young age.

May Allah (subhanawataála) grant you even more, and fill your life with barakaat for making the effort to understand and implement His beautiful deen. Ameen.

You have made a very important point - marriage (whether it is #1/2/3/4) - is a lifelong commitment, insha Allah.

And it is those who realise this from the onset, who strive their utmost to do good by all parties involved.
Those who are only in search of the next 'Barbie doll' :P , will soon enough realise that with time, superficial appearances fade (multiple pregnancies later, and the second wife too may lose her initial appeal).

At the end of the day, if we realise:

There is SO much wisdom in Allah (subhanawata'la)s decree in polygamy.
BUT, if implemented insincerely, and without taking into consideration His commands - then this very blessing, can itself be the source of broken homes and hearts.

**~Zaria~** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by tearose

Really important point. Would you say that the apparent variety of viewpoints on this issue means that it's something potential spouses ought to talk over when considering marriage?

Assalamu-alaikum ukthi,

I personally think that this would be very important, esp. if the sister involved in not desirous to be in a polygamous marriage.

In this case, insha Allah, it would be better to discuss this at the out-set......rather than later on, finding herself in such a situation, which she does not wish to be part of.

This would be the best for both parties involved insha Allah.

**CosmicPathos** · 01-24-2013

you are called mature if you agree with someone's opinion on this board.

**ardianto** · 01-24-2013

One day when I was teenager I told my friend. "I don't want follow other guys, have girlfriend for while, then change with new girlfriend, then change again. No! I just want to meet someone who love me, then I marry her and live with her until death do us part". My friend look at me and said "you are thinking like a female. That's a female's mindset"

Was my mindset about love and marriage a female's mindset?. Maybe yes, maybe not.

However, my dream about only one woman in my life was a dream that did not come true. There was a girl who I really sure would becomes my wife, but later she decided to leave me. But Alhamdulillah, immediately Allah gave me another woman who now becomes my wife.

Yes, although my wife is not the first woman in my life, she is the first woman who came to my life as a wife. I promise, she is not only the first, but also the one.

No! I will never take another wife. I don't care if people say I have a female's mindset.

**Iceee** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by ardianto

One day when I was teenager I told my friend. "I don't want follow other guys, have girlfriend for while, then change with new girlfriend, then change again. No! I just want to meet someone who love me, then I marry her and live with her until death do us part". My friend look at me and said "you are thinking like a female. That's a female's mindset"

Was my mindset about love and marriage a female's mindset?. Maybe yes, maybe not.

However, my dream about only one woman in my life was a dream that did not come true. There was a girl who I really sure would becomes my wife, but later she decided to leave me. But Alhamdulillah, immediately Allah gave me another woman who now becomes my wife.

Yes, although my wife is not the first woman in my life, she is the first woman who came to my life as a wife. I promise, she is not only the first, but also the one.

No! I will never take another wife. I don't care if people say I have a female's mindset.

Salaam.

A lot of people's mindset is:
1. Have a fun childhood
2. Graduate from College/University
3. Get a job
4. Get married
5. Have kids

For me, #6 would be to be: stay with that ONE WIFE AND ONE WIFE ONLY. Live, get olde, and die with her.

Everyone has their own life and only The Creator can judge. So I agree with you (since I'm a teen currently) but that doesn't mean I don't agree with the other posters that said the opposite. Both answers are right and this is an opinion question. Lets keep it that way.

**CosmicPathos** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by Iceee

Live, get olde, and die with her.

lololol. You are born alone. And you die alone. No "woman" dies with you. Certainly not your wife. Many times, she remarries if you die young.

I feel bad for you. But you are still a teenager. You will learn a lot in coming years about realities of life as you grow up and will develop some cynicism, inshAllah.

**tearose** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by ~Zaria~

Assalamu-alaikum ukthi,
I personally think that this would be very important, esp. if the sister involved in not desirous to be in a polygamous marriage.
In this case, insha Allah, it would be better to discuss this at the out-set......rather than later on, finding herself in such a situation, which she does not wish to be part of.

wa 3laikum as-salam,
thanks ukhti, I was thinking along similar lines, but wasn't sure what's appropriate to talk about in advance. I'd like to consider a polygamous marriage in the future insha Allah..but it depends on the circumstances and I would rather know what the other person was thinking instead of being surprised later on.

**May Ayob** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by CosmicPathos

lololol. You are born alone. And you die alone. No "woman" dies with you. Certainly not your wife. Many times, she remarries if you die young.

I feel bad for you. But you are still a teenager. You will learn a lot in coming years about realities of life as you grow up and will develop some cynicism, inshAllah.

You are truly one unique person. I assume from your post that you're a much senior member then?. If so then I profusely apologize for my bad conduct in speaking with you. I guess you really do have everything figured out in life. By the way please don't put me on the defensive I didn't mean to offend you in any way my post here.

**Iceee** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by CosmicPathos

lololol. You are born alone. And you die alone. No "woman" dies with you. Certainly not your wife. Many times, she remarries if you die young.

I feel bad for you. But you are still a teenager. You will learn a lot in coming years about realities of life as you grow up and will develop some cynicism, inshAllah.

Lol. Nice life.

Yes, I still have a lot more to learn, still young and naive here.
All I am thinking about right now is starting my job at McDonalds (training takes forever), buying myself my own car, and school.

I am still a teenager, haven't been married or in a relationship so I guess I have a lot more to learn about girls and all. I was just giving my opinion on my future Inshallah.

Of course, just like a kid dreaming to become a doctor and then choosing to be a security guard in the future, I am that kid with dreams, and I have a long way to go.

**CosmicPathos** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by May Ayob

You are truly one unique person. I assume from your post that you're a much senior member then?. If so then I profusely apologize for my bad conduct in speaking with you. I guess you really do have everything figured out in life. By the way please don't put me on the defensive I didn't mean to offend you in any way my post here.

No I am not a senior in terms of age. Just in 20s. But yea, my personal experiences and observation of human behaviors have taught me a lot and shown the ugly side of humanly existence.

I did not mean to offend either, but it just seemed you were trying to trample on my personal space so I defended in retaliation.

**CosmicPathos** · 01-24-2013

Originally Posted by Iceee

Lol. Nice life.

Yes, I still have a lot more to learn, still young and naive here.
All I am thinking about right now is starting my job at McDonalds (training takes forever), buying myself my own car, and school.

I am still a teenager, haven't been married or in a relationship so I guess I have a lot more to learn about girls and all. I was just giving my opinion on my future Inshallah.

Of course, just like a kid dreaming to become a doctor and then choosing to be a security guard in the future, I am that kid with dreams, and I have a long way to go.

Dream but also be real.

Good luck young boy.