"Paradise is at the feet of your mother"

**cottonrainbow** · 02-01-2013

assalamu alaikum!
Whew! well, I would assume that I'm in BIG trouble then....

Here's the story (it's pretty long, so please excuse):
My mother has lived with me in my current home for over 6 years. I thought it was a great idea (although friends warned me against it) since my mother (and my niece) was living with my uncle (her brother) because she had no income.

BACKGROUND:
I am the last of four offspring. My mother is divorced and I and my sister (last two offspring of four offspring) are the product of an illicit relationship (my mother and father weren't married when we were conceived), so my father is not in the picture, although I do know him. My brother is currently in prison for drug trafficking which is why he is not in the picture either. When I was fourteen, my brother got this girl pregnant, and she abandoned the baby to my mother two weeks after the baby was born. Since that time, I have helped my mother in raising my niece. Actually, many people in my family have pitched in to help try to give my niece a normal as possible life, since both of her parents weren't really around.

My mother has always raised me to be indepedent and to get an education, but no financial support ever came from her because she never really kept a job. I have always worked since I was 15 years old to help contribute to the household and to help care for my niece. When I turned 18 and graduated from highschool, I wanted to move as far away as possible, so I moved to NYC and went to college there. During this time, I met many Muslims and Hindus who had a very positive effect on my life. At almost 20, I moved back to the South to help my mother because she was struggling healthwise and financially. I did continue with school and worked to help support my mom and niece.

The strange thing about the whole thing is my mother was never happy with ANY guy that I met or introduced to her. She was always very rude to them or gave them the cold shoulder. I got married anyways and had a daughter from that marriage. It didn't work out and I was back single again and raising my daughter on my own (something I did not want). AFter going through soo much with my ex-husband, I actively sought out single Muslim men because I believe that they have more respect for family than the average single American guy. I worked on improving myself and making myself a better person, so that I would be ready when the right guy came along.

About my neice, my mother always accepted financial help for her but she raised the girl to be disrespectful to my sisters and I. Whenever we would discipline her doing wrong, my mother would intervene and say,"oh, she's just a kid."

NOW:
I am happily married to a Muslim man who is pious and he accepted my mother as his mother and my daughter as his daughter. I am currently expecting my second child. My first child is a preteen who is happy to now have a dad and excited about the new baby coming. She is an awesome and disciplined kid and she seems to like the thought of becoming a Muslimah.

HERE's THE PROBLEM:

My mother dislikes my husband (remember we all live together). She is rude to him and says that he is not good enough for me because he went through a period of unemployment and because he is foreign. She nitpicks at him and constantly complains about him. Even when he speaks to her, she does not respond. And we all live in the same house!!

My mother also complains about my daughter. SHe calls her lazy and disrespectful to her. She even once complained to my aunt that I allow my daughter to disrespect her and I believe that is untrue. I would never allow my daughter to disrespect any adult, but I do tell her that she has every right to disagree and stand up for herself if she thinks someone is doing her wrong.

Last year, my niece, whom I had helped get into college and was helping her with clothes and expenses, suddenly moved back into my home and I noticed she wasn't going to classes. I asked my mother and her about the situation

TO BE CONTINUED:

**cottonrainbow** · 02-02-2013

My mother made excuses for her as usual and told me that she came back because she needed transportation back and forth to work (huh? Okayyyy).

Sooo, I spoke with my niece and told her that as long as she is in school and trying to better herself that she is welcome at my house. I gave her rules and expectations to follow: I want her to keep her room clean and tidy; she has to be nice and cause no problems or drama in the house; she has to be a role model for my daughter (she’s always acted resentful towards my daughter); she has to help out with all household chores; and she needs to be respectful, courteous, and friendly to all adults in the house, especially my husband. When I mentioned my daughter, she replied,” Well, I have nothing to do with that girl.” I told her to pack all of her bags and leave now because if she has any ill feelings towards my daughter, then she can’t stay because my daughter is a child who cannot support her own means, while she is an adult who has a job and had an apartment. I also asked her if she was pregnant and explained to her that sex without marriage is not allowed in my house. She denied being pregnant. I asked her about why she was no longer going back and forth to school. She told me that she was taking all of her classes online this semester. I had no choice but to believe what she said was true, but I suspected she was lying to me the whole time. About 2 months later, the truth comes out: my sister calls and tells me that the school mailed her report card and she failed every class- yikes! Therefore, she was either on probation or not registered for school by the time she came to my house to live. Second issue: my mom forced her to go to the doctor (which she’d been avoiding) and behold the girl is five months pregnant! That’s why she was sleeping so much!

I told her that since she lied to me about everything, that she’s no longer welcome to stay and she should try to find a place to stay. I’m not going to kick her out on the streets, but she should try really hard to find a place to go. My mother was really upset with me because I told her that she has to go. Besides the lies and hiding things from me, she was constantly fighting with my daughter and she did not one chore that I asked her to do. She also would walk right past my husband and myself and not speak or acknowledge our presence.

By the time she was 7 months, she moved in with my sister. She didn’t even tell me that she was gone or say thank you for me allowing her to stay as long as she did stay!! My sister would call and complain to me about how she is lazy and she has no room for her to stay. All the while, at my house, my mother is being mean and trying to pick fights with myself, my husband, and my daughter. She spanked my daughter because she turned the internet phone off by accident. She constantly nitpicked at my husband about every little thing. She would complain that he is useless and doesn’t know how to do anything right. She complained to me and told me that I picked the wrong guy because she can see that he is the type of guy that needs four wives to slave for him while he puts his feet up and does nothing. She even told me that I should not have anymore children because my husband isn’t good enough.
My mother picked a fight with me because I placed a framed Ayat Al Kursi photo over the fireplace and she wanted to put Christmas decorations in that area.

A few months later, my niece’s baby is born. I purchase her a huge box of diapers for the baby. My mother takes a huge bag of my daughter’s receiving blankets that I was saving to use and she gives them all to my niece! I asked her about them when I discovered they were gone and she lied to me and told me that she’d sold them a year ago to one of the ladies at the church! I was furious with her needless to say because she gave away something that belonged to me without my permission.

PRESENT
I come home one day from work to find all this baby stuff scattered around my house. I was furious to discover that my mom moved my niece and her baby back into my house without asking permission from myself or my husband. I asked what was going on and my niece tells me that her and her child’s father got into a big fight. I was so upset that I couldn’t talk to them. The next day, I told my mother and my niece that they have a limited time to stay here and should start looking for places to stay as soon as possible. I told my mom that she cannot invite people to live on me and my hubby because she cannot support them and that it is causing many problems.

Every day, it is difficult for me to even come home because my house is a big mess, and there is tension. My niece is lazy and doesn’t help do anything around the house. My mother only cooks but everything else she complains about doing it. I am 7 months pregnant and I work every single day, inshallah alhamdulilah for Allah giving me strength. I cannot deal with them being soo lazy, disrespectful, and ungrateful.

My husband never says anything—he just eats it! He recently told me that if he knew my mother was like she is, he never would have moved down South, but instead moved me and our daughter to New York where he is from. My husband is considering taking a job in New York and moving us there after the baby is born. I would have to put the house up for lease. We really need to get away from this madness.

Am I wrong for wanting them gone? Please advise.
Do you all think Allah will punish me for wanting my mother out of the house?

**Hulk** · 02-02-2013

InshaAllah some bros/sis can give you good advice. Just keep in mind that our parents can be both a blessing and a tribulation from Allah. It's good that you teach your daughter to stand up for herself etc but it's important to teach her adab especially towards her elders. It's important to try to not make people feel bad especially our elders.

Just my thoughts on it..

**Iceee** · 02-02-2013