Second wife! The words reverberated through my brain. Why? Am I not good enough? Never! I will never accept a second wife! If you want a second wife you can go out and get one as long as you know that I will not be here when you come back! Those were my words to my husband a few years ago when he mentioned to me that he is intending to marry again a second time. It was a woman recently divorced, 4 children. She is having a hard time, he said, she don't know where the next meal is coming from or how to provide adequately for her children. "Where is their father?" I asked, "Can't he take care of his own kids? Why do you a strange man have to carry another man's burden? Surely there are other ways that you can help her out financially without having to MARRY her! I could not imagine myself in a plural marriage. Sharing my husband with another woman. Sharing his love, his smiles, his jokes with a woman other than myself. I could not fathom him holding her close and whispering loving words in her ears. It was unacceptable. An outrage. After all I have been to him. Wife, lover, mother, doctor, housekeeper. I raised 3 of his beautiful children. How can he insult me by marrying another woman as if I am not good enough. Not pretty enough. Not young enough or just plain not ENOUGH! NO! I could not accept that and I vehemently made my stance clear to him. If she walks in, I walk out! Plain and simple. If he is willing to risk our marriage, our life, our children for another woman, then he must go ahead. I will not stand for it! It all seems so many years ago now. When I thought that life would last forever and that nothing will ever change. But it did.. My husband did not get married to a second wife. After all my warnings and threats of leaving he abandoned the idea. I don't know what happened to the women and children. My guess is that they moved on to another town. He never mentioned a second wife again and I was happy with that. I managed to hang on to my husband but I didn't know that our time was running out. His last words to me were that he had a headache and is going to lie down till Esha. He never read Esha namaaz that night, because he never woke up. I was devastated by his sudden death. The man whom I have spent my life with, snatched away from me in a second. I mourned him for a long, long time. Neglecting my children and the business. Soon all went to waste and we started losing everything one by one. First the car then the shop, then the house. We moved in with my brother and his family. My 3 children and I crowded the house and my sister in law soon became annoyed by our presence. I needed to get out, to work and find a place of our own instead of living off the leftovers of others. But I had no skill. When my husband was alive we lived comfortably. I had no need to go out and work or or equip myself with a skill. Life was very difficult for me and my children and I wasn't young anymore. I missed him everyday with every beat of my heart. How could ones condition change so drastically? One day my brother told me that someone he knew is looking for a wife. He was a good person, good akhlaq and very pious. Perfect for me, but he wants me to be his second wife. It's the second time in my life that the word second wife was mentioned to me. But how different the circumstances. He came to my brothers house to see me. There was an immediate connection between us. I liked him and I liked everything about him. He told me that his first wife knows that he is intending to marry again but that she is obviously not supportive of the idea and that he doesn't know what her reaction will be when he tells her that he had found someone. His answer he said, will be dependent on her acceptance of Polygamy. I started reading Istikhara that night. I so desperately wanted it to work out. I remembered so many years ago when the life of another woman depended on my decision and what my decision was. I felt contrite, I felt that because I did not give another woman a chance, a space in my life, that Allah will punish me this time around. I repented, not once in my life did I think my action worthy of repentance because I had done nothing wrong. I only protected what was mine. Now that I am on the receiving end, I realized how wrong I was in denying another woman this PRIVILEGE of a husband. I prayed that she will accept me. He phoned me a few days later telling me that his wife is having a hard time accepting it but that she is willing to meet me. I was nervous the day of the meeting. I prayed a lot the day before and asked Allah to help me. When I met her, she was a person, a woman like me . A woman who loves her husband and fears losing him. She took my hand and with tears in her eyes said: " This is very hard for me, but I hope that we can be sisters" her words broke my heart. All I needed in these dark days was a hand reaching out to me and embracing me, giving me hope and the will to carry on.
My father passed away when I was 20. Then few years later my mother got married again. There were men who came to her, and all of them were widower or male divorced. No one who still married. My mother married a widower who was my father friend.
I also know a number of men who have second wives, and all of those second wives were unmarried when they married by those men. I am not sure if a married man interested to marry a widow with children as second wife. Frankly, seem like the story above is far from reality.
I'd like to comment that not all women are against second wives. I was actually open to this possibility.
I'd also like to agree with Ardianto's comments. It is a sad reality that, while the option of multiple wives was announced in the context of especially giving widowed women the comfort of marriage, this is not what it is used for today. Usually, the man is looking for a younger wife.
There are too, too many older divorced or widowed or new Muslim women in my community. There are many who would very much like to marry. But there are no men who will even consider them. A young, childless (or with maybe one child) woman, may find a husband (it's still not easy). But an older woman…unlikely. These women then go to desperate lengths to try to find a husband. They marry men from overseas, and sponsor them to Canada... only to be abandoned when their “good” Muslim husband arrives here. Or they marry overseas, feeling that a long-distance marriage is better than none, only to find themselves with husbands who keep needing money, or, saddest of all, husbands who just want a quick bit of fun with a foreigner and brag to their friends, and then dump her quickly afterwards. And this, after an Islamic marriage!
And the most desperate length of all, is the wondering whether she can't marry a decent non-Muslim man, because she is so sad and lonely. And some women do. And then get much blame.
But I ask you: why is it that non-Muslim men are willing to marry our women? Including older ones and taking on their children and sincerely looking after them? (As the Prophet (PBUH) did with Umm Salamah (RA) and her children?). Why are Muslim men not doing this?
O Muslim men, why are you not looking after your Muslim sisters who just want to live honourably? Especially as they ask so little...
Last edited by MuslimInshallah; 09-14-2014 at 12:45 AM.
But I ask you: why is it that non-Muslim men are willing to marry our women? Including older ones and taking on their children and sincerely looking after them? (As the Prophet (PBUH) did with Umm Salamah (RA) and her children?). Why are Muslim men not doing this?
O Muslim men, why are you not looking after your Muslim sisters who just want to live honourably? Especially as they ask so little...
Currently I am not thinking about look for new wife because I want to focus in raise my children. But if I wanted to get married again I would not marry young girl, but would marry widow or divorced woman with age that not far from me. It's because I want a woman who already has experience as a wife and mother.
But, yeah, every man is different.
By the way, the common reason why the men want to have multiple wives is because their sense of masculinity in aspect of ability to get women. And married a widow with children will not fulfill their sense of masculinity.
ive been married two years to a man i dont live with as his culture wont accept me. its hard, so very hard. recently i more or less told him to marry 2nd wife as he has kids living with him, i stressed he has to tell her, he wont when he does marry, his new wife will be with him at home, not me. she will be with him on all occasions like birthdays, days out, eid, not me even though i know his kids and love them like my own. he wont give me divorce, our nikah isnt registered so no proof for me to divorce him. if we did divorce i would be in a situation where i am middle aged, know no other muslims really, the nearest masjid or islamic centres are at least 2 hours away. although im middle aged im still 'young' if you know what i mean? i will be in a situation where i would be a divorcee forever i guess. I dont want this, i want to complete half my deen properly
ardianto i totally agree its common that men want multiple wives just to show they can 'get' women ... its so very wrong
ive been married two years to a man i dont live with as his culture wont accept me. its hard, so very hard. recently i more or less told him to marry 2nd wife as he has kids living with him, i stressed he has to tell her, he wont when he does marry, his new wife will be with him at home, not me. she will be with him on all occasions like birthdays, days out, eid, not me even though i know his kids and love them like my own. he wont give me divorce, our nikah isnt registered so no proof for me to divorce him. if we did divorce i would be in a situation where i am middle aged, know no other muslims really, the nearest masjid or islamic centres are at least 2 hours away. although im middle aged im still 'young' if you know what i mean? i will be in a situation where i would be a divorcee forever i guess. I dont want this, i want to complete half my deen properly
When I was young I had two cars. The one was my favorite which I drove it more frequent than another. Yeah, if a man had something more than one, usually he has tendency to make one as his favorite, more than the other. It will not become a problem for his cars because cars have no heart, have no feeling. But if he had more than one wife?.
The reason why there are people who say that not every man is able to be fair to his wives in polygamy is the tendency to make one of his wife become his favorite. And women are different than cars because women have heart, have feeling. I can understand the feeling of a wife if her husband closer to his another wife and neglect her.
ardianto i totally agree its common that men want multiple wives just to show they can 'get' women ... its so very wrong
When I was young the girls saw me as a guy who worth to be a partner. Of course, it made me not difficult to get a girl in that time. But I had few experiences when a girl invited me for dating. Seemed like she was 'interested' to me. But then?. She date with another guy.
These were the experiences that made me understand the feeling of a woman, if her man has another woman. It also made me realize, it's better if I have only one woman but she really loves me. If the men you are talking about had experiences like me, maybe they would understand the woman's feeling.
I married my classmate in highschool who gave me two children. We lived happily for almost 19 years until she passed away last year after struggle against breast cancer. It makes me sad, but I still grateful because my marriage ended not with divorce, and she was the only woman beside me. There was no another woman.
so sorry to hear about your wife but in shaa Allah one day you will meet again in Jannah the rest of your post was so lovely, ive rarely come across a man and very rarely heard of one with views like yours... your wife must have been a very happy woman married to such a caring and understanding man it sounds like the girl you mentioned wasnt worth pursuing, these days too many women do this, when i was growing up it was unheard of
sorry to go off topic but i have private message related to this post and im unable to reply to it until ive done 50 posts. Just to let the person know i have seen it and thank you so much JazakAllah khair, i wrote nice and chatty reply back before realising lol
As Salaam aleykum wa rahmatullah. I loved your story and Alhamdulillah it's amazing how Allah guides us in the most unexpected ways. Sorry to go off topic, I don't really know how this works..I have a bit of a problem myself that revolves around this and I wanted to know what you think. I was with a Muslim man as a girlfriend for 2 years and then I reverted to Islam, Alhamdulillah. I stopped seing him but after a while I realised that I really miss him and that I don't really want to marry someone else because it wouldn't be fair. He is a good Muslim and had a good heart Alhamdulillah. He works and looks after his family. I found out he is married already, which really hurt me, and he asked me if I wanted to be a second wife. I thought about it and I was very angry and jealous at first, but then I thought I don't want to lose him. Also he spends 9 months of every year working here so it makes sense that he desires a second wife, seeing as he was also forced into his first marriage. But he has asked his parents, and his mum and wife said yes but his dad said no, without even having met me, which is a bit strange I can't understand why. He said the reason is because he then won't have enough money to send them, which isn't true, he will just have to send them less, but it will still definitely be enough. I can't understand why he would let his greed get in the way of his sons happiness. Plus if he has been forced into a marriage and he is nine months here, he will end up doing zina, not necessarily with me, but maybe with others. I have heard only a woman needs a wali in order to make a nikah valid. Is this true? Also would it be invalid if we went against his fathers will? I don't want any rude advice, just honest plz. Jazakallah khair.
As Salaam aleykum wa rahmatullah. I loved your story and Alhamdulillah it's amazing how Allah guides us in the most unexpected ways. Sorry to go off topic, I don't really know how this works..I have a bit of a problem myself that revolves around this and I wanted to know what you think. I was with a Muslim man as a girlfriend for 2 years and then I reverted to Islam, Alhamdulillah. I stopped seing him but after a while I realised that I really miss him and that I don't really want to marry someone else because it wouldn't be fair. He is a good Muslim and had a good heart Alhamdulillah. He works and looks after his family. I found out he is married already, which really hurt me, and he asked me if I wanted to be a second wife. I thought about it and I was very angry and jealous at first, but then I thought I don't want to lose him. Also he spends 9 months of every year working here so it makes sense that he desires a second wife, seeing as he was also forced into his first marriage. But he has asked his parents, and his mum and wife said yes but his dad said no, without even having met me, which is a bit strange I can't understand why. He said the reason is because he then won't have enough money to send them, which isn't true, he will just have to send them less, but it will still definitely be enough. I can't understand why he would let his greed get in the way of his sons happiness. Plus if he has been forced into a marriage and he is nine months here, he will end up doing zina, not necessarily with me, but maybe with others. I have heard only a woman needs a wali in order to make a nikah valid. Is this true? Also would it be invalid if we went against his fathers will? I don't want any rude advice, just honest plz. Jazakallah khair.
Wa'alaikumsalam, sister.
One day my wife asked me, if I met again with my ex-girlfriend and she had been a widow or divorcee, would I back to her?. I told my wife, no, I would not back to the old story that has been closed.
I understand if you still love your ex-boyfriend. But now he already belong to another woman. Are you sure his wife agree if he take second wife?. If you are sure, then may I ask you, did you hear it directly from her, or you just hear it from your ex-boyfriend?.
Sister, have you ever imagine if you were a wife and then your husband get married again with his ex-girlfriend?. Let me tell you, in this situation then your pain would be more than a pain that a wife feel if her husband got married with new woman who was not his ex-girlfriend.
What has gone, let it gone. Open your eyes and see, how many men in the world?. What you should do now is make du'a, wish Allah send you a new man who will become the partner for your life. Then you can build a new love with your husband.
I am sorry if my advice maybe sound rude. But this is the honest advice that I can give.
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when he does marry, his new wife will be with him at home, not me. she will be with him on all occasions like birthdays, days out, eid, not me even though i know his kids and love them like my own. he wont give me divorce, our nikah isnt registered so no proof for me to divorce him. if we did divorce i would be in a situation where i am middle aged, know no other muslims really, the nearest masjid or islamic centres are at least 2 hours away. although im middle aged im still 'young' if you know what i mean? i will be in a situation where i would be a divorcee forever i guess. I dont want this, i want to complete half my deen properly 
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