Youth Marriage Obsession

[strivingobserver98]

Written by Nurul Rafhana

The obsession of marriage, particularly among the practising Muslim community, has led to several disastrous ends. People who rant of youngsters not getting married "in time" ( when they barely left teenhood) being a fitnah needs to understand the psychological and spiritual preparation one needs to have in order to have a successful marriage later on. The preparation of a man and a woman for marriage goes way beyond having a stable income and knowing how to handle the kitchen alone.

Wa ma khalaqa ddhakara kal untha.

We need to address and assess their *separate* psychological needs and spiritual stability before pushing them to get married. If we failed to do that, we end up having young Muslims who are too excited to get married without understanding the position of marriage in one's life.

At the end of the day, no spouse will own you. Each and every individual is owned by Allah SWT and our spouse is a gift from Al Wadud and a tool for us to grow hand in hand. We need to stop advocating marriage as THE sole life event that will transform us into extraordinary humans. Yes, our spouse is a crucial person in shaping who we are, provided we have an identity for ourselves.

So, create for yourself an identity. Learn the Quran, aim for distinctions, volunteer at the orphanage, learn how to change a tyre and paint, try cooking and mix up the spices just to see how they turn out, go on an adhock roadtrip with your buddies, take pictures with the lens of your heart before shoving the lens of the camera into the scene, call up your parents and have a friendly, childish chat, hear them laugh and when they are laughing their heart out capture the scene and embed it into your heart. You'll need the scene on a replay mode one day.

Planning to be a homemaker? Don't just be an ordinary mom but be an excellent one. Being a full time housewife is no less of an amazing aspiration. Learn fantastic recipes, teach your neighbours and their kids how to bake, create a small Halaqah group in your neighbourhood, take your kids out for a weekly service at the refugee centre, participate in all of your children's school activities anc cheer for them with all your hands and heart. Being a homemaker isn't just tying your hair up in a bun and lamenting life would be better as an accomplished doctor or lawyer while reluctantly getting up to cook lunch for your family.

For the guys, learn to cook and do the laundry. Take it as your responsibility instead of putting them aside for your mother to do it. Attend the Masjid for Fajr and take walks with the old uncles after the prayer. Disconnect on FB and connect with six year olds and sixty year olds. You'll learn innocence and wisdom in a way that no self confidence and motivational workshop can give you.

Marriage is beautiful and full of pleasures and pain of it's own. It conceals your blemishes but has the ability to bruise as well. It's a long journey that needs commitment when the excitement fades. Marriage is beautiful, I repeat.

But to take it as the sole purpose of life is a sign of immaturity - what greater sign than this that you aren't ready for a serious relationship?

[~ Sabr ~]

I don't think youths are obsessed about marriage. I think that there are more temptations nowadays than there were in the past, with people kissing openly, and dressing inappropriately - this makes it harder for young people to control their desires, so the solution they think is = marriage.

[noraina]

Assalamu Alaykum,

There is a lot of sense in this article, mashaAllah. I do think sometimes young people see marriage as the *only* way to prevent fitnah and control their desires - and it is much harder in today's times, and I also see some people are barely mature enough to manage their own affairs, let alone the affairs of a spouse.

However I do believe in early marriage, perhaps it is the family environment you are brought up in which affects this choice. I agree that even a woman who chooses to focus on her family should not make that the sole purpose of her life - when she has so much more to offer. For me personally, 18-21 would be a good age for marriage, if that is what Allah wills.

[Ummshareef]

Assalamu Aleykum,

There is a lot of truth in this article. I would love it if my kids were able to get married young in sha'Allah, but only if they were emotionally ready to look after a spouse and family. If not, I would rather they waited a bit and certainly would not want them to marry just as a way to satisfy their desires. If they have not developed their self control then they are not mature enough for marriage and should focus on developing the fear of Allah subhanahu wa ta'alaa that drives self-discipline first.