Assalamu alaikum to you all. I want to write about the problems I have been facing in my marriage for the past 4 years and would like to receive your advice. I feel like I am lost in life i am not happy and lately I have been getting anger attacks where I sit and cry because i am just full in my heart with everything that is happening.
I am 24 years old, at the age of 19 I got married to my cousin. I married my husband out of love and thinking of having a good life good family and good future. Everything in our lives became sudden and fast, we got engaged and did nikah in 2 weeks then after a year i became pregnant and we had to do a quick wedding ceremony. After our engagement i started a sponsorship process to bring him to my country as he was living in Europe and I am living in North America. I was doing everything by my self, waiting for everything to be fast so we can start living together and have our own family. I was patient in everything and only hoping for good. I was working studying and at the same time doing everything for our marriage and sponsorship. My husband on the other side was also working studying and saving up money for us. However everything started changing when close to our wedding and when i became pregnant. Just want to point out something thay we are cousins from father side's, my mothers nationality and culture is different and i was born in a different country and mentality and raised by my mothers side. Close to our wedding ny husband was disrespecting my culture nationality saying a lot of hurtful words. His father was very involved in our wedding planning which i never minded and was happy to see him happy as well, but one day my husband pushed me to the wall because i nicely told him why can't he stop disrespecting my nationality and culture. And i was 5 months pregnant at that time, i let things go and was thinking things will change in the beginning everybody faces difficulties. My husband then apologized for pushing me and said it will never happen. But he repeated disrespecting my culture saying bad words to me making me cry even at our wedding. After wedding I returned back, and my whole pregnancy was a big stress for me because our communication was very bad I was always crying alone at home trying to keep everything to my self and when i would call my husband and tell him how bad I feel and why everything is happening like that. He would always avoid talking about the problems by being disrespectful saying that i should be patient like a traditional women be patient stay quiet to everything and maybe then he would start behaving better. I had complications at my pregnancy i was always stressed, I was working and studying at the same time my whole pregnancy was miserable to me because i wasn't happy at all. My husband came one month before my delivery and I had few names chosen for our baby which before his reaction was normal but when he came he told me that i was nobody to choose a name for our baby I was just an air and I have no right to anything. I used to cry everyday we used to have arguments everyday because he would complain about me he was always angry about me aggressive. I delivered my baby almost a month early with so much stress then I found out that my mother in law chose a name for our child and my husband never told me that and when my baby was born they called from Europe to tell us the name we should put for our baby. I would never say no to them for choosing a name as grandparents but my husband disrespected me a lot and never told me anything honestly. My husband was with me at my delivery and he got to witness all the difficulties and effort i had to go through to deliver our baby and he never apologized he didnt congratulate me he didnt say thank me he didnt appreciate me at alll. He left when our baby was 2 weeks old. I was fed up of this kind of relationship i was expecting us to be close respecting each other standing up for each other understanding each other's feelings.
We had ones a fight where he involved his parents my parents and grandparents and started blaming me infront of everybody then his father was blaming me and siding wirh his son. At the end my husband said infront of everybody to not listen to me and not believe me because i gave birth and I became mentally sick. At that time whatever I had for him in my heart died, after all when we become parents and when everything is supposed to be happy and perfect. I just live for my child and for the sake of this marriage and patiently go through everything.
After living in Canada my husband still involved his parents from europe to our fights or problems he tells them everything. I feel that we have no privacy because they know everything what i do what i say what we both fight about or argue about he reveals the whole privacy of our marriage. My parents live in the same country as us but they don't know anything about our fights they never heard anything from me about ny husband or our fights because i always kept his reputation good in the eyes of my parents. One day my husband was talking to his mother and complaining about everything and his mother sweared at my sister where he quietly listened and didnt say anything to her that it is not good, nothing. He always involved his parents into our problems he always told them everything he always complained about me to them and every time there is an argument between me and my husband he involved his father who along with my husband would fight with me and blame me. I am just tired of this marriage and life, I am always under pressure stress and always cry. He purposely says hurtful words infront of his parents he would purposely make me angry make me cry and wait for me to burst out and tell him something then he would go and tell his father what i told him but never told him what he did to make me cry and angry. I have no privacy in my life because my husband disrespected me said a lot of hurtful words to me he has been repeating everything since the beginning of our relationship, and when i get fed up and say something to him he goes and complains to his parents he tells them word by word what i tell him, sometimes I would message him to his phone things I couldn't tell him on the phone because he avoids talking he ignores, he would even show my messages to his father. My husband has a lot of pride and ego until now he didnt make any effort to make this marriage work but instead he has been complaining and always blaming me infront of everybody. Our child is going to turn 3 soon Inshallah, and our relationship is very bad we have no emotional bond we have no attachment to each other, all the love respect everything is destroyed. I have been patient to everything that has happenned i have no one in my back to protect me and stand up for me. I am extremely tired I did everything for my husband as a young wife and mother I always did as my husband wished I cooked the way he wanted i took care of my child on my own during the times when he was away and caused me so much stress and when he and his father used to fight with me over the phone and blame me. I patiently let go of everything, but i cannot get over anything. Because He filled my heart with so much hate , pain and negativity that all my feelings are dead for him. I tried telling him that he destroyed my feelings my love I had for him he broke my trust everything. Right after he went and told his father that i told him i dont love him and then his father would deal with me again asking if i love his son or no and that his son is a man he is the boss of the family i should live and do as he wishes. I just feel that my husband is very immature guy at the age of 27 he likes followinf his father instead where he should build his own family and be independant, he always repeats his fathers words and does what he father tells him to. I respect his parents but when i would tell him to not talk about our private life to his parents dont involve them into our life our problems and solve our problems on our own he doesn't understand. I am at this point where I no longer open my self to him i keep everything to my self i talk about the things he wants to talk, because I am extremely tired and scared at the same time that again if i say something what bothers me in my heart how i am feeling he will go and tell his father who will again call and start blaming me and defending his son. I forgave my husband ones when he promised to not repeat an action that caused a fight in our relationship then he repeated it again and it still continues until now. I just dont see any love in him for me because he completely ruined my reputation infront of his parents I have no self confidence infront of anybody i feel so low and bad in heart. He likes discussing about others he mostly does that with his mother he would sit and discuss my parents living infront of me when i would tell him i dont like you discussing my parents or talking about their life style. I just feel that he doesn't care about my feelings he doesn't give importance about my feelings and my tears. I dont like sitting discussing other peoples lives, until now i have never went to my parents to invilve them in my problems or comolain about my husband, but my husband does these things. I am extremely unhappy wirh him, we have no attachment no bond at all. He told me that i should work have kids do house chores and be patient with all the difficulties in life and he has to work come home and have his peace. I dont understand what kind of life this is, i was always happy before I married him i became now very stressed very unhappy and often cry because of everything. I dont know what i should do how i should live. He ignores me he avoids talking about the problems we have in our relationship he doesn't want to change his habits that cause us to fight he doesn't want to make an effort for this marriage. I dont know what i did wrong and why he even married me if he had so much negative feelings for me.
He doesnt respect me at all like a women and his wife, he often compares his parents with mine and puts my parents down. He doesnt realize that we have a child growing up and with his bad habits he will be an example to our child. He tells me to forget my nationality not to speak in my mothers language he completely wants to change me and control me. I just dont understand what kind of love is this i dont know how am i supposed to live in such a marriage with so much disrespect and so many people being involved and so much happenned. My husband completely ruined my relationship with his parents after involving them and saying negative things about me swearing at me infront of them and disrespecting me. I have no self confidence i feel very low and worthless. I am lost in life i dont know what i did wrong that i had to experience all this. I did everything for my husband whatever he wanted i did at everything i tried to please him i just feel that he is very spoiled and immature and wasnt ready for marriage. Until this day we were not able to talk properly and solve an argument between each other, because he always ended up sharing it with his parents. One day he called to our cousin pretending to cry and be upset and went to their house and was complaining about me and blaming me for things i didnt do. And i had to go tbere with my one year old son and my father to bring him back home. I dont know i cried writting this and now i also laugh because i dont understand my husband what kind of person he is and what he wants out of his life.
I told him few times if we cannot live in respect in peace and love we should consider a divorce before we have other children and live in a messed marriage. I am at rhe point i dont know what i should say we have no love no respect in our marriage what is the point of living if everything is repeating and he constantly blames me complains about me and tells me i should like a traditional women like our grandmothers, be patient and live this life like this. And everytime we fight he tells me i will divorce you he threatens me all the time .
I am extremely stressed i have no peace and no happiness in my life i need somebodys advice. I just want to live a life where i can also be happy, experience love respect and be confident and feel my self as a woman.
Thank you
Before exhausting all other options, we should never make divorce the first option unless someone is severely in danger. There is a child involved here. So brothers and sisters please be aware of what you advise.
Sis, if your husband wanted to divorce you, he would have done so without your request. You also would have left him without a second thought if that is what you truly wanted. But you are both holding on for the hope that changes will happen. You both need to discuss things with a mediator such as an imam, counselor, or a respectable and trusted person within the family. Then, set some boundaries and voice the changes you want your husband to make in order for your marriage to work out. If your husband agrees to them, then involve the families and let them know of their boundaries as well.
Next, and I don't mean to sound blunt or anything, but you have to put your emotions aside. Be stronger for yourself and your child. Don't think that if you divorced your husband that it will bring you happiness, because divorce, in essence, is the failure of marriage. Your marriage is not perfect right now, but you both can work towards making it a lot better. In your perspective, your husband is damaging the relationship, but perhaps from his perspective there are things which he believes you are doing which are making it worse. You both come from different cultures, so there's no doubt in my mind that the cultures are clashing, however there has to be some compromise and change from both sides.
From an outsider's perspective, I think that the biggest thing that is bothering you is not having the privacy you want. You can not break your husband's relationship with his parents especially if he has been open with them like this his whole life. He's a "mama's boy" (as it's called) but showing any negativity towards his parents will only make your husband resent you. Likewise the parents will also show resistance towards accepting you because you are meddling with their relationship. Instead, you should try to get closer to his parents, without his help. Be kind towards them and tell them you want a closer relationship. Show empathy towards your husband and let him know you understand his closeness to his parents but that he shouldn't discuss everything with them because it only hurts your relationship to know that someone may still be holding a grudge over something you did years ago while you both have moved on from it. You will have to swallow your pride to get there, but it's ok. At least you can truly say you've tried your best to make the marriage work. Never think that you can change the people around you (it's hard to even change our own selves!), but rather you have to learn to adapt yourself to different types of people, personalities, characters, etc. The first few years will always be your hardest, but if you can make it work then you have the rest of your life ahead of you. Just understand that you can only be in control of your own actions, no one else's..so you have the power to change your circumstances by changing how you react to different situations.
I've already given my two cents and what I can add is that it takes two hands to clap at the end of the day. If you truly feel abused, sister, or like your rights are being taken (which it is apparent that some are) you have to put your feelings aside and take action. Playing victim and pointing fingers will never help you. If you "can't" reach an imaam, then find somebody else that is willing to get involved. Somebody who is strong enough to weed through all the finger pointing, blame shifting and drama. Perhaps a councelor of sorts. Look online for your closes islamic center or muslim community and find resources.
I'll have to respectfully disagree with showing even more empathy and allowing the violation of privacy to continue. No matter how close parents are, we shouldn't go and tattle every fine detail. I personally am VERY open with my mother in law about her son and also about myself. I chose to do it this way with her, but the level of details is totally up to me and I only share what I need to share to get advice. I don't bad mouth my husband or his family and even if I did, she wouldn't have it. His parents shouldn't tolerate it either. This man is an adult, not a baby. He is supposed to be protecting the sister, not oppressing her. If she FEELS oppressed, then she has full rights to feel that way. That's why we involve a 3rd party to weigh everything and asses the situation.
A marriage isn't always bliss, but it should never feel like an entrapment. Marriage is about self development and when either person fails to develop, the marriage will fail. So sister, you have to think about how you've allowed for things to get to this place and you have to take action if you want things to change. Like it was said before, you have the power to change how you react but zero power to change anyone else. Only you.
I dont know who can help, I live in Canada and there is no local Imam, If i go and talk to a family specialist or somebody and tell them how everything happenned they will right the way deport him and charge him with a criminal act for pushing me to the wall and threatening me when I was pregnant , I have a son who will turn 3 and I am extremely scared of making the wrong decision because everybody in my family will blame me and say that I had to stay in this marriage for my son and be patient have sabr that my husband might change and improve and understand his mistakes.
This part is not true. If you talk to a professional (such as a: social worker, marriage counselor, psychologist, doctor) who is bound by confidentiality, they will not get your husband arrested or deported - unless there are exceptional circumstances such as if your husband made clear threats to kill/harm you or your son. They might get the Child Protection Services involved IF they believe that there are reasonable grounds to suspect that your son may have been abused or neglected by your husband. But based on the story so far, it doesn't sound like this is the case. Therefore, there are no reasons for you to be scared or worried about approaching a counselor, such as a social worker or your family doctor, to start a discussion on the matter.
I think that you are at the point where it might in fact be quite beneficial for you to talk to an unbiased, professional counselor who will help you balance the pros and the cons of your current marriage situation without trying to guilt you into either hastily divorcing or staying in a non-functional marriage.
If you have a sister or brother that you are close to (or one parent who is more understanding than the other), maybe you want to start a discussion on the matter with them in private.
In the meantime, you can check out this Muslim Women helpline: https://nisahelpline.com/. The toll-free number, 1-866-315 NISA (1-866-315-6472), is accessible anywhere in North America, 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. There was an article in a Canadian newspaper on this helpline a couple years ago (https://www.thestar.com/news/gta/201...das_first.html). I don't know what this helpline is worth, but it doesn't hurt to call, does it? If you are living in Ontario and want to better understand your legal rights in Ontario/Canada and see how these laws relate to Islamic family law, you can check out this website: http://yourlegalrights.on.ca/resourc...e-muslim-women
Help is available, but you need to find out for yourself what may be helpful to your situation and what isn't. Maybe talking to your parents will not help a lot (but then, who knows? Maybe your father will be very displeased to learn about what has been going on and will talk some sense into his brother). But you don't know what helps if you don't try.
Last but not least, I sincerely wish you best of luck in resolving your situation and finding appropriate help. Do your best to stay calm and to not let your husband's bad words and emotional blackmailing affect you because the more you let it show that it affects you, the more he will continue.
Last edited by fromelsewhere; 05-15-2017 at 07:50 AM.
Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
When you create an account, we remember exactly what you've read, so you always come right back where you left off. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and share your thoughts. Sign Up
Quote
Hide
Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
Bookmarks