Many muslim women feel 'icky' about the idea of being housewives. Why

**Al-Ansariyah** · 04-17-2022

MANY MUSLIM WOMEN FEEL 'ICKY' ABOUT THE IDEA OF BEING HOUSEWIVES. WHY?
By Umm Khalid(Muslim Skeptic)

I was talking to a group of single young Muslim ladies about marriage. They were in the age range of the late twenties to early thirties.

One sister said that she was searching for both a husband and a job. She was looking for a job because she wanted “the autonomy” that came with making her own money. Even after marriage, she explained, she still wanted to make sure she was still her own person and a big part of that was making her own money from a job. Relying fully on her husband’s money even if he’s wealthy, she said, would make her “feel icky.”

I’ve heard this exact same sentiment expressed by many modern Muslim women before her, said almost verbatim. Down to the “feeling icky” part.

Why does it make Muslim women feel so icky to have the traditional gender roles in their marriage? Why is it icky that the wife dedicates herself to the family, home, and children, while the husband dedicates himself to earning money for the family?

Where did we get our fears from? When did we learn this mistrust, this suspicion, this anxiety?

I understand that it’s multi-faceted, and I want to appreciate the complexity of this situation.

It is certainly a reality that in some cases, there are in fact some Muslim men who fail to take their role as providers seriously, forcing the females in their life to fend for themselves. Some husbands and/ or fathers have dropped the ball, showing their daughters or wives or sisters through their actions that perhaps men are not to be trusted, that men don’t fulfill their obligations and don’t keep their promises. Such men have failed to meet the Islamic standards for the wali/husband/ father, and this is a problem. There are weak men, undisciplined men, incompetent men; they let their women down.

Is that the main reason, though?

Because…how often does this happen? What percentage of Muslim men are “deadbeats” in this way? Is it the majority of Muslim men? Half? A quarter? 5%?

Yet the way we women worry about this issue and sometimes talk about it, you’d think it was 99.3% of all Muslim men who fail to provide.

This particular problem of irresponsible men, while it definitely exists, is highly exaggerated in the female mind.

Because stories get told again and again, spreading until they seem more prevalent than they truly are. Women hear about other women’s experiences and extrapolate from that certain lessons and come to certain conclusions, even if it’s all simply hearsay and they’ve never seen such irresponsible men themselves.

The other factor here is liberal education-indoctrination and feminism brainwashing. Let’s just call it what it is.

The modern programming of women goes as follows: “You are on your own for the most part. Men are not to be trusted! Your husband will probably turn out to be a stingy tight-fisted miser! Or he’ll be a useless unemployed deadbeat! Or he’ll cheat on you and leave you and the kids for another woman! Or he’ll beat you and be an abusive monster! What if he ups and dies? What if you get divorced for no reason? So many bad scenarios! Better be safe and get your own job to make your own money so you can keep your independence from him and not be forced to rely on the unreliable or trust the untrustworthy. Gotta be prepared for anything. Just in case. Cuz you never know. Just saying.”

Fear mongering.

Sowing seeds of doubt, of mistrust, of insecurity.

No tawakkul on Allah, but solely on one’s own desperate efforts. We’ve forgotten the hadith about the tawakkl and rizq:

حديث عمر ، قال: سمعت رسول الله ﷺ يقول: “لو أنكم تتوكلون على الله حق توكله لرزقكم كما يرزق الطير، تغدو خماصاً وتروح بطاناً.”

“If you were to have full tawakkul on Allah the way He is due, He would provide for you the way He provides for the birds; they leave their nest hungry and return full.”

But the modern brainwashing trains women to have bad expectations from the start, to assume the worst before anything even happens.

The husband is shot down before he can even do anything.

In war, this is called a preemptive strike.

How can a marriage survive under such conditions?

The most intelligent, sensible, and effective division of labor is an exchange between the genders.
Each gender has something that the other lacks. They trade in a mutually-beneficial exchange for the benefit of both parties, the children, the family, and society.

Historically, this is how it has always worked:

Men, with their larger frames and stronger physique, have a greater capacity to work hard jobs and put in long hours, which we can call surplus labor.

Women are the only ones who can have babies, which we can call reproductive ability.

In marriage, the man offers the woman his surplus labor and she offers him her reproductive ability in a system that benefits both parties and builds a family. It’s actually a brilliant system because it accounts for each gender’s nature, God-given abilities, and temperament.

Each gender can focus fully on their respective abilities and play the role that comes most naturally.

This makes marriage smooth, seamless, complementary.

But now in these modern times, women are being fear-mongered and brainwashed into trying to fulfill BOTH roles: chasing surplus labor and reproductive ability. At the same time.

This is too much for any one person to do simultaneously and still be okay, still be rested, still be sane.

Women, you are being pressured into doing too much.

This “icky” feeling that’s been planted into your psyche hurts you. That’s external to you, implanted by feminism. Let go of it.

We as women need to pick good Muslim husbands (vetted by wali, istikhara, and consultation). And then we need to LEARN TO TRUST THEM.

And of course, the other side of the equation is that Muslim men need to live up to the Islamic standards for the wali/ husband/ father and fulfill their responsibilities toward dependants. They need to be in charge, as Allah has commanded. The great majority of Muslim men already do, mashaAllah.

Once men are firmly in their masculine role, and women let themselves rest in their feminine role without feeling “icky” about it, our marriages can thrive inshaAllah.

**xboxisdead** · 02-25-2023

Originally Posted by Pure Purple

I wanted to say this but couldn't find a proper word.

When I was working lot of women there said to me they didn't wanted to work but they don't have a choice.If anything happens to their husband they will be left alone in this world.It will not just affect their life but children's life as well.
Yes she has option to remarry but rarely someone wants to marry a divorce or widow woman with children. Even if man is divorce with kids, want her wife to keep ex husband's children at parents house and take care of his children only.
How painful for a woman this can be.

One of my school friend got married at young age.She barely passed 11th std.
Her parents were very strict, they were against getting girls high education.They cleraly said if girls get too much education she wont get a good peoposal.She was the most beautiful girl in my friend circle.She was not much interested in studying at, all she wanted to get married.She was the most girlish I can think of in my friend circle.
Huge collection of clothes bangles etc Her parents were rich.
When her marriage was arranged she was so happy as her in laws were living just opposite to her apartment.She was thinking I can meet my parents whenever I want to.
I was studying when she got married.Around after a year of her marriage I met her in a wedding of my friend.She was there too along with her in laws.We got excited.she asked me what are you doing I said studying and she said smiling it's good that you aren't married yet.I was thinking why she is saying like this .I asked her why what happened to you.She was silent .I was confuse then suddenly I realized someone standing behind me.She introduce me that she is her sister in law.I smiled for second.Then after a long pause when her sister in law move away she said oh she don't like me to talking to anyone.I was so scared felt so sad.How can be someone so controlling and why she is tolerating this.

Later on someone told me that her in laws dont allow her to meet even her parents and lot of things which I never imagined what she is going through
I never tired to contact her ever.she lives within 500m where I live but never got the chance to meet her.
If she was educated independent or parents were supportive probably she has taken divorce.But she didn't had a choice.Atleast parents should have given her share in property as they are rich.She could have decided for divorce.
Lot of probl3m comes from parents side as well for not supporting even if they can support her .

A lot of man suffer too, sacrificing their happiness for children's sake, for a wife who don't care for husband but only difference is that he is doing this to save a family , for Allah's sake.He is not scared what will happen to me if my wife leaves me as he is financially independent.
I dont much believe in feminist agenda but that's harsh reality of society. It's not a muslim women's problem rather societal issue.

I disagree with that statement. It is a Muslim women problem who is strayed from the path of Allah she is accountable and cause of the problem as well. Listening to these stories does not justify or give green light to go astray. One can say a man should lower his gaze when women go outside nude. A man can say, "What can I do? I have to go outside and all the women outside walking nude...I cannot keep lowering my gaze or I will hit my head on the pole." Here we still enforce him to be responsible and he have to take accountability. We don't say to him, it is the women's fault...we say it is your fault for looking. Am I correct or wrong here? Obviously, I am correct. Women as well parents play role here...stop blaming society. Society is like the shiatan, it is an easy pillow to box and put blame on...trying your best to deprive of yourself from any responsibilities. Both women and men are EQUALLY accountable and play ENORMOUS role to what happens around them.

Women saying that I want to freely mix and feel empowered so no man can control me or tell me what to do, that in itself is a sick woman and advise to any man to not marry them. Because if do you marry them, you and I mean it...you will be destroyed.

My issue is not women having jobs, educations, bank accounts under her name, properties, land(s), real estate, car(s), airplane or been rich. Because these are things that Allah have given her just as he given men and liberated women from the day of ignorance where they were sold as properties to be a self-independent person and not slave to anyone. My issue is women's attitude. When they feel they have an upper hand over their men or better than their men their arrogance and toxic femineity takes in effect. So many women are crossing the boundaries that Allah have put on them or restricted them from crossing. To me for these women, they are defective. Broken. And any man with sane mind should look at them like that.

**Pure Purple** · 02-26-2023

Originally Posted by xboxisdead

I disagree with that statement. It is a Muslim women problem who is strayed from the path of Allah she is accountable and cause of the problem as well. Listening to these stories does not justify or give green light to go astray. One can say a man should lower his gaze when women go outside nude. A man can say, "What can I do? I have to go outside and all the women outside walking nude...I cannot keep lowering my gaze or I will hit my head on the pole." Here we still enforce him to be responsible and he have to take accountability. We don't say to him, it is the women's fault...we say it is your fault for looking. Am I correct or wrong here? Obviously, I am correct. Women as well parents play role here...stop blaming society. Society is like the shiatan, it is an easy pillow to box and put blame on...trying your best to deprive of yourself from any responsibilities. Both women and men are EQUALLY accountable and play ENORMOUS role to what happens around them.

Women saying that I want to freely mix and feel empowered so no man can control me or tell me what to do, that in itself is a sick woman and advise to any man to not marry them. Because if do you marry them, you and I mean it...you will be destroyed.

My issue is not women having jobs, educations, bank accounts under her name, properties, land(s), real estate, car(s), airplane or been rich. Because these are things that Allah have given her just as he given men and liberated women from the day of ignorance where they were sold as properties to be a self-independent person and not slave to anyone. My issue is women's attitude. When they feel they have an upper hand over their men or better than their men their arrogance and toxic femineity takes in effect. So many women are crossing the boundaries that Allah have put on them or restricted them from crossing. To me for these women, they are defective. Broken. And any man with sane mind should look at them like that.

Where did I justify in my post that women should do whatever they want to and go nude ?
I stated their fear why they want to work.A lot of them want to work and want upper hand in everything but a lot of them have fear or have no choice but to work.Just because a woman is working dose not mean she is crossing boundaries .There are various ways that she can work within defined boundaries.
And please this is not a story of just one woman i know a lot of them.She had a dream of getting married having a family like lot of woman want to.
What I was saying women don't have security in terms of finance if her husband leaves her.No one can fulfil emotional need of her as her husband left her but financial support can help her some way to move on in life.

Your statement " To me for these women, they are defective. Broken. And any man with sane mind should look at them like that"
Yes these are broken women both emotionally financially but men with such judgemental mentality makes their life harder.

**Murid** · 02-26-2023

Originally Posted by Pure Purple

I wanted to say this but couldn't find a proper word.

When I was working lot of women there said to me they didn't wanted to work but they don't have a choice.If anything happens to their husband they will be left alone in this world.It will not just affect their life but children's life as well.
Yes she has option to remarry but rarely someone wants to marry a divorce or widow woman with children. Even if man is divorce with kids, want her wife to keep ex husband's children at parents house and take care of his children only.
How painful for a woman this can be.

One of my school friend got married at young age.She barely passed 11th std.
Her parents were very strict, they were against getting girls high education.They cleraly said if girls get too much education she wont get a good peoposal.She was the most beautiful girl in my friend circle.She was not much interested in studying at, all she wanted to get married.She was the most girlish I can think of in my friend circle.
Huge collection of clothes bangles etc Her parents were rich.
When her marriage was arranged she was so happy as her in laws were living just opposite to her apartment.She was thinking I can meet my parents whenever I want to.
I was studying when she got married.Around after a year of her marriage I met her in a wedding of my friend.She was there too along with her in laws.We got excited.she asked me what are you doing I said studying and she said smiling it's good that you aren't married yet.I was thinking why she is saying like this .I asked her why what happened to you.She was silent .I was confuse then suddenly I realized someone standing behind me.She introduce me that she is her sister in law.I smiled for second.Then after a long pause when her sister in law move away she said oh she don't like me to talking to anyone.I was so scared felt so sad.How can be someone so controlling and why she is tolerating this.

Later on someone told me that her in laws dont allow her to meet even her parents and lot of things which I never imagined what she is going through
I never tired to contact her ever.she lives within 500m where I live but never got the chance to meet her.
If she was educated independent or parents were supportive probably she has taken divorce.But she didn't had a choice.Atleast parents should have given her share in property as they are rich.She could have decided for divorce.
Lot of probl3m comes from parents side as well for not supporting even if they can support her .

A lot of man suffer too, sacrificing their happiness for children's sake, for a wife who don't care for husband but only difference is that he is doing this to save a family , for Allah's sake.He is not scared what will happen to me if my wife leaves me as he is financially independent.
I dont much believe in feminist agenda but that's harsh reality of society. It's not a muslim women's problem rather societal issue.

Salam alaykum wa rahmatullahe wa barakatuhu

Good to share your experiences here.

Some social issues in some background cultures do affect a lot healthy social interactions Islam is known for.

For example you can read tons of narrations about visiting, even the right of a guest-random one can stay at your place at least 3 days etc.

Lack of education is a real issue. Every 2 years of additional higher education opens up a lot of opportunities and the salary is at least in average twice higher.

In addition nowdays the marriage issue is sonehow without good foundations.

Muslim men need to provide a lot more.

If a child from wealthy parents gets money from them to provide for the wife, a lot can go wrong (similar to non working wife).

If the man did not get providing/working habits and attitude of a mature, providing, protecting, merciful, witty, sociable, altruistic man, a lot can go wrong with both the wife and children.

In my opinion until a man can provide for the at least seperate home and a care with some 100 000s savings, he is almost uncapable for marriage abd children.

Some can get a second job, work from home along with learning new skills, open up businisses etc.

It is also recommended to get business formal and non formal education, at least college level. Throught education you get a lot of skills and habits applicable in many different spheres of life.

Along the education the prevalence of decadence, crime and martial issues would be a lot lover.

Not of course to neglect duas/ibadah and Allahs help and izzat.

Here are some basic duas:
https://easyupload.io/m/lnr7j2

**Pure Purple** · 03-04-2023

Originally Posted by Murid

Salam alaykum wa rahmatullahe wa barakatuhu

In my opinion until a man can provide for the at least seperate home and a care with some 100 000s savings, he is almost uncapable for marriage abd children.

Along the education the prevalence of decadence, crime and martial issues would be a lot lover.

Not of course to neglect duas/ibadah and Allahs help and izzat.

Here are some basic duas:
https://easyupload.io/m/lnr7j2

With this criteria most of the man will be unamrried in their youth.By the time they will have all of this they will be old .
Money can come and go.Not everyone is well settled at the time of marriage specially if they are young but things can change ovr the years.Controlling or abusive behaviour never changes. Women have no way out of it.

**Murid** · 03-04-2023

Everything can be changed inshaAllah.

You know how Arabs changed at the time of the prophet, from slavery, from buriing alive female children, orgies, women without almost any rights into a state of best protection, care and rights of any civilisation up to nowdays.

Women have inheritance rights (despite the fact everything must be provided for them), love, care, even intimacy rights (one could go to a mifti and say my husband does not meet my criteria anymore, I do not want to live with him), you know the hadith that the best men is who is best towards women, women have juristic rights, were mufties/judges too, scholarly etc...

https://www.abuaminaelias.com/dailyh...aracter-women/

The fact is that most of the women, even with best education/religion/habits wont be happy until the materialist base needs as above won't be settled, and anyways most of the poor men do not even stand a chance for marriage.

Sometimes an older man is better as he has both, provisions and "good character, or change" you seek.

Controling/abusive behavior is mostly in poor circles and it is countered with good providence and morals Islam teaches about.

**xboxisdead** · 03-04-2023

Originally Posted by Pure Purple

With this criteria most of the man will be unamrried in their youth.By the time they will have all of this they will be old .
Money can come and go.Not everyone is well settled at the time of marriage specially if they are young but things can change ovr the years.Controlling or abusive behaviour never changes. Women have no way out of it.

I think that is a good thing that men don't marry at a young age. I think, it is best that most delay marriage for as long as possible until he is settled mentally. Until he develops the maturity, he needs to be ready for marriage and if some never by-pass the teenage in maturity then that is even a bigger reason why he should not get married at all. That is good for women too. She will not be married to a child-man. A term women love using a lot. As for women not getting married, that is not something I will lose sleep at. Women are stronger than men and they can handle living alone much easier than anymore. These women who are baren and have no children, maybe she can focus on her career, get "empowered" get educated, formulate a company, you know...be independent? As I hear that most women prefer that than being a mother and a wife, this is a great chance not to be distracted by a man...go for it...be single, independent, make your own company, or get educated and fight high end paying job. Now we have women who are happy. Isn't that good?

**Pure Purple** · 03-06-2023

Originally Posted by xboxisdead

I These women who are baren and have no children, maybe she can focus on her career, get "empowered" get educated, formulate a company, you know...be independent? As I hear that most women prefer that than being a mother and a wife

I feel useless to write here anything .Mybe I am not able to choose proper words to express my opinion as english is not my first language.

So according to you baren women shouldn't get married and have family.? she is not a human ?

Why are you generalizing that every women wants to just focus on career only ? Not every woman is like that likewise not every man is bad.
The thread was about why women feel icky about being a house wife . I've stated their fear clearly.I haven't given opinion or verdict that she should work or not.
I've stated in some situation her education can act as saviour in times of need.

No I don't think single man or woman can be happy in a long run. Everyone needs a companion whom they can share happiness and sadness.
Allah swt created men and women for each other and not to fight each other or to show who is superior.

**xboxisdead** · 03-07-2023

Originally Posted by Pure Purple

I feel useless to write here anything .Mybe I am not able to choose proper words to express my opinion as english is not my first language..

That is ok. English is not my first language either. Don't even get me started at my grammatical errors and understanding of the difference between pronoun, noun, advert, adjective, etc.

Originally Posted by Pure Purple

So according to you baren women shouldn't get married and have family.? she is not a human ?

When did I say that? I said young men should not get married and wait till they mature better, have the financial needs more set and fulfill their freedom as they will be imprisoned when they get married. They will have to do deal with wives - shivers - and her children and he have to do this and that and that and this and this and that. His entire life will be upside down. Before jumping there, enjoy your youth, your freedom, develop your personalities better, save enough money as marriage is going to drain your pocket with the demands of a wife and her children.

Originally Posted by Pure Purple

Why are you generalizing that every women wants to just focus on career only ? Not every woman is like that likewise not every man is bad.

What do you want her to do until she finds a suitor? Watch a beetle dig in the soil or count the number of lines in a brick? She will spend her time getting educated and finding a career.

Originally Posted by Pure Purple

The thread was about why women feel icky about being a house wife . I've stated their fear clearly.I haven't given opinion or verdict that she should work or not.

By default...sheer default a wife feeling icky about a housewife means by default she is either a feminist or she wants to proof to the world she is strong independent woman who can do it all, or she wants to be a career woman. Otherwise, simply put, don't get married. So your icky to be a housewife, expect the man to provide, protect, sacrifice, do the housework for you, while you polish your nails and look pretty in the window? Next thing we expect the man to child birth too. I mean why not? What stops us from going there exactly? Then what is exactly the purpose of a wife or getting married for a man. OK. So, the wife does not want to do housewife work because she feels icky. She does not want to have babies and be a mother. She does not want to please her husband. Some wives also do not want sex. Then what is the purpose of marrying such woman? Actually, any man marrying such a woman the blame all goes on him and no one else.

Originally Posted by Pure Purple

I've stated in some situation her education can act as saviour in times of need.

I am all for woman getting education. Actually, I think it is priority that all women get educated and achieve the highest degree possible, even achieve higher academy than men. I think it is great, because high achieving women in academy also make better wives and mothers. I think it is super crime to prevent girls from getting any form of education and it is commanded by Allah (subhanahu wa talaa) that all of us get educated.

Originally Posted by Pure Purple

No I don't think single man or woman can be happy in a long run. Everyone needs a companion whom they can share happiness and sadness.
Allah swt created men and women for each other and not to fight each other or to show who is superior.

Women by nature are stronger than men when it comes to being single. Women by nature can handle break up easier than men. Women by nature can handle not getting married better than men. Women by nature can handle their partner dead (natural cause) and they are widows better than men. Even women by nature can handle their children dying and or get killed or dead better than men can. A man can never stop weeping for his children, a woman will say things like, "If having a choice between saving my child or letting my child die and saving my child would mean this and that or harm this and that, she would pick having her child die." Honestly, I have a visual in my mind that if for some disease or virus dropped the entire male population to 10% left in the entire planet Earth and the remaining planet are all female, these women can move on, work, build society and live happily ever since they have no choice they move on and can move on easily. So, explain to me why would I worry if women are not finding partners or getting married when they can be fine without a partner? It is like asking me to protect the strong guy and leave the weak guy to defend himself. Not logical at all.

Besides aren't men unnecessary or am I getting this wrong? I said to my mind that if I am unnecessary then being married means all I am means of a stranger having access to my pocket. Not happening. I think I am not only the one who listens to the men been unnecessary. Boys listen to this message. Since boys listen to it, they WILL believe it. So, to these boys who believe it, simply don't get married. Now future men are even more refusing to getting married or delay marriage even more. That means one thing. More women are going to be single ever more! Let us not forget the biological factor that males by nature are more prone to diseases and die earlier than women and add to diseases, feminization of boys, weakening of the Y-chromosome and on top of that more boys delaying marriage, you will find more and more and more women been single.