How to find a spouse: tips, realties and dangers

Assalaamu alaikum,


(smile) I'm going to make a controversial statement. And then I'm going to give a little context to it. I'm hoping to open a useful discussion that may help Muslims who would like to marry. (smile) Please feel free to add your perspectives and comments.


If you're wanting to get married and you live in a country like mine (Canada), it is best to start talking to Muslims of the opposite sex that are around you. Much is said about no free-mixing between men and women, but I feel that this is not reasonable for unmarried Muslims in a society such as mine. In my country (and in quite a few others), Muslims mix with non-Muslims all the time. This may well end in Muslims marrying non-Muslims. Men feel especially free to do this, and Muslim women then face the choice of not marrying, marrying a non-Muslim man, or getting into highly risky overseas marriages.


Furthermore, the local Muslim population is drawn from around the world, and is very mobile. This means that ethnic and cultural divides can be quite large, and people often don't know each other very well. There are also new Muslims, not just many-generation Canadians, but all Canadians, including originally non-Muslim immigrants from other countries. There are many people, but little cohesive community.


In this context, it is difficult for an unmarried Muslim to find a spouse. It is also quasi-impossible to find a Wali (a real one; not just someone who turns up to your Nikkah to sign you over to a stranger), unless you have family members who are willing and able to do this for you.


You can try to ask an Imam or people around you to help connect you to a spouse in your own community. It may work, especially if you are young and attractive (for a woman) or well-placed (for a man). I would still advocate that you get to know this person by meeting them yourself and getting to know them; they are rarely well-known by the Imam or the people who recommend them. And you probably don't know the Imam or the people who are recommending the person well, either.


In this context, a person wishing to marry (especially a woman), must take the time and make the effort to get to know the other person well, and be very careful not to trust the other person and get emotionally attached before that person has proved him (or her)self.


(smile) To make my text lighter, I'm going to continue writing from a woman's perspective. However, quite a bit of what I will say will probably be a good idea for a man, too.


Meet in public, or with your friends present. If you have supportive family members who are willing and able to help you (no matter what their religious affiliation), don't be shy to draw on their help. If you have no family, try drawing on friends, especially married friends, or older people. Try to meet his colleagues at work, his friends, neighbours (if you can talk with them without his knowledge, this is best), professors, relatives (if he has any in your country)... anyone who can give you an insight into his character. Look also at the way he behaves with those around him. Don't take his word for it. Watch carefully for what he actually does. How does he treat service people (waiters, cleaners, bus drivers...), strangers who ask for directions, his friends, his relatives... you... For instance, is he courteous? Is he on time? Does he keep his word? Does he pay for meals you may have together (not just one or two, I mean consistently)? Does he give you thoughtful gifts? Does he remember things that are important for you? Some warning flags are: if you find yourself feeling guilty, sorry for him, feeling hurt a lot, if you find yourself making excuses for him to other people, or find yourself paying for things (after some ingenious excuse or another on his part). It would also be wise to verify his identity (and have his documents checked by someone knowledgeable) and check with the police in your country if he has any record with them. A medical exam would be prudent.


I very much wish that there was a better and safer way for people (especially women) to find a husband. But right now, I feel that this is the safest way to go.


Women should be very wary of men who only want an Islamic marriage. This is a good indicator that the man is only looking for his own short-term gain; he very probably does not want to be obligated to you in any way. It generally indicates that he does not consider you as his real wife. He sees you as a mistress. Or worse. Are there exceptions to this? Yes, of course. But rarely.


A legal marriage is not a guarantee of his good intentions, but it helps. Men who stand to gain by a legal marriage may do this, even if their intentions are not honourable. For instance, if it helps his residency or immigration claim, or if a woman has an income or property that he could make a claim to in the event of a divorce (under the law of the country you reside in; these men care little for Islamic law, unless they can use it to their advantage).


Still, if you marry someone in your own country, you are safer than if you marry a stranger from overseas; at least you know your country's rules better, and have some sort of social support network.


If someone recommends you someone from overseas, you are going to have to be even more wary. Tell them upfront that you expect a full set of documents from them (and acquire them early in the acquaintance): at least all the documents that the immigration department of your country would require: medical checks, identity documents, financial statements, police checks... incidentally, you may need to ask for a more complete medical than the one your country requires. For example, in Canada, only certain diseases are looked for. A more thorough screening for sexual and other transmissible diseases would be very wise. If you have to sponsor him into your country, I would strongly recommend that a woman gets her prospective husband to put money into a legal trust that she would gain access to if he leaves her to go onto welfare (this is a real risk in my country; sponsors are obligated to pay for those they sponsor), or for any other financial loss that her particular situation may place her in. Legal documents to protect a woman's property are also prudent.


Finally, many people feel obliged to go onto the internet to look for a spouse. And this is the most dangerous route of all. You know nothing about these people (except what they tell you), the internet is a very intimate setting, there are professional financial scammers, and you are exposed to a wide range of corrupt (and corrupting) persons of the worst degree, such as online rapists (they like to send messages detailing what they'd like to do to you), seducers, immigration scammers, and organized criminals.


(smile) My text is a little biased, I know. I have experience and know stories from the woman's side, but I do not know much about the men's side, though I know that there are those who scam men, too. I'm hoping that other members can post about men's experiences. And also, if the brothers have knowledge of ways that men con women, that they may post them to help their Muslim sisters know what to look for, and how to deal with these deceptions. I feel that Muslim men and women need to talk with one another more so that we can better understand the challenges that the other faces. In this fractured world of ours today, I believe that we need to try to connect with one another and try to help one another.


I also know that my position that unmarried Muslim men and women should mix and get to know one another is contentious. But having looked at the alternatives, I cannot find a better route than this, at least in the present cultural context in which I live.


May Allah, the Distressor and the Source of Good, Help us to find benefit in the difficulties that we face.

Many men know that women are easily to be deceived. Unfortunately it makes some men think they need to develop their 'deceiving skill' to make them easier to get a woman. So, do not easy to fall into a man who praise you with sweet words.

Now I must open my office. In Shaa Allah, I will be back later.

Assalamualaikum, sister MuslimInshallah

Not every woman is lucky. There are women who easily can get suitor when they want to get married, there are women who very hard to get suitor. Difficulty in getting suitor could make a woman fall into desperate situation which could make her consciously accept a man who she know that he might be would treat her badly. For some women, take a risk to live in unhappy marriage is still better than unmarried for lifetime. This is one reality that I have found among women.

We may give the women some tips, some warnings, but when they were in desperate situation they would not listen to us. Not different than we tell hungry person to not eat an unhealthy food.

What can we do to prevent the women fall into desperate situation?. Teach the boys to not judge a woman only from her beauty, then teach the girls to develop their personalities to become nice person.

As long as the men still judge a woman only from her beauty, there will always be desperate women.

There are a few girls I have "liked/wanted" & called it "love"..

1. Christian girl that I liked for 4 years, she did not like me though.I was so convinced that I will never want anyone else. After high school,I forgot about her in that way.

2. Muslim girl who never knew I liked her but she went down a dark path of drugs, she's not even mentally the same person anymore :/

3. My cousin(who has lived all her life in Palestine till recently) but..she is not as serious/open about religion, plus she does not want to marry a cousin. I have & still kinda feel, I will never like anyone like I want her. I am trying to be over her yet retain the ties of kinship.

I actually tried to change her, to make her take religion more seriously but I think it made her angry, may have come off as self-righteous. Also...we both have medical issues(me & OUR grandfather have the same medical issues), sooo....

I am not ready for marriage though, not even sure where I want to marry from.

A good mentally strong Muslim girl from America who understands what it is to live here(society, how things work..etc), someone who is intelligent...no "I hate America" mentality

or

A Muslim girl from Palestine.

I know I want someone who is

kind
good
nice
religious
beautiful
sweet
smart/intelligent
strong mentally & physically

Assalaamu alaikum Ardianto,

It is true that desperation is a problem. (curious) Don't you think that men can feel desperate too?

Still, from what I can tell, the problem is much worse in Canada for Muslim women. For instance, I know a young woman who was interested in marriage for quite a few years. But no Muslim boys ever asked her. Frankly, how could they? The nice ones wouldn't even know her (no mixing, right?). The party boy kind of Muslim is not the kind she is interested in. But nice non-Muslim boys have politely asked her for serious purposes. So guess what? She is planning marriage with a non-Muslim boy. InshAllah he will accept Islam. But there are of course no guarantees.

In this case, the young woman is obviously attractive enough. Why did no Muslim boy ask her?

Another young woman I know of found Islam recently. She wants to do everything right, so she told all the young men she knew from school that she couldn't talk with them anymore. But she would really like to marry. So what is she doing? (sigh) Going online to find a good Muslim husband. You know, many new Muslims have idealistic ideas of what Muslim men are like. They truly believe that they will be treated the way that they have read Muslim men should treat women. This poor young woman is very likely to get burnt. She has no one to defend her or advise her.

Yet another young woman is feeling desperate now she's in her 30's. Her parents made it hard for her to marry, having rather ethnocentric ideas of whom she should marry. Plus she's been obediently studying for years to become that thing coveted by many immigrant parents: a physician. You would say to her "develop your character". Well, frankly, she has. She's a nice, gentle, hardworking young woman. Quietly pretty, but wears a headscarf (and this does make it harder to marry). She's not rushing to marry, but is quietly suffering and feeling depressed. Perhaps she will never marry.

If we throw up our hands and say: well, there's nothing we can do... are we fulfilling our duties towards our Muslim brothers and sisters?

I am hoping that if we talk about some of these issues, that we may help our Muslim brothers and sisters find ways to connect, and also help protect the vulnerable. I believe that if we cannot feel in our hearts that something is wrong, then there is something wrong with our hearts. And if we can talk about the problems and offer advice, then we take our caring to the next level. And if we can take on just a little responsibility for those who Allah Causes to cross our paths, then we take our faith and our love to the highest level.

People look for industrial-type mega-solutions to problems; I believe that we need to start with ourselves, then work outwards towards those we encounter: our families, our neighbours, our communities, strangers with whom we come into contact… I cannot change all the problems of this Ummah. No one can. And yet... everyone can. We can make a difference in individual lives; and the impacts of our actions ripple outwards in ways we cannot even comprehend. It may be that a small deed… is large indeed.

I cannot help every person out there. But perhaps I can help this one… and this one… and this one… I was reading in the Qur'an about how saving a single life is like if you saved all humanity. I think we need to look at other people this way. If I can save this one person from something bad… it makes a difference. (smile) But only Allah Knows exactly what the significance of what we do, truly is. So we must try our best, and then leave it in His Hands.

But we must at least try.

May Allah, the Kind, have Mercy on those who are alone, and Protect them from the corrupt.

crimsontide06 said:

I know I want someone who is

kind
good
nice
religious
beautiful
sweet
smart/intelligent
strong mentally & physically

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We all wish the same but is there kind of person exist at all?

Are you as kind of person you are looking for? Are you all of those you want from other person? Are you perfect? If not, how do you think some other might be?

MuslimInshallah said:

Assalaamu alaikum Ardianto,

It is true ........

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Wa'alaikumsalam, sister.

You can say "don't lose hope" to a woman who start to desperate because she wants to get married but there's no man who comes to her. She will listen to you. However, if finally a man came to her and you knew that this man was not a good man, could you tell her "no!, no!, do not marry him!"?. Very possible she would angry at you because she regard you prevent her only chance to get married.

This woman might be knew that this man was not good to be a husband. But she also realize, might be accept this man was the only chance to get married because if she didn't accept this man, then there's no other man who would interested to her. Yes, this is a dilemmatic situation for her.

My previous statement actually was referring to women in this dilemmatic situation. My point was, rather than we give advice to desperate people which they would not listen to us, it's better if we do something to prevent them fall into desperate condition.

May Allah, the Kind, have Mercy on those who are alone, and Protect them from the corrupt.

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Ameen. [Smile]

crimsontide06 said:

I know I want someone who is

kind
good
nice
religious
beautiful
sweet
smart/intelligent
strong mentally & physically

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Are you sure you can get a woman like this?.

Bro, if you think you can easily get a woman like you really expect, it's because you have never felt experience which you must get a woman by your own effort. If you have ever felt experience when you must struggle to convince a woman to accept you, felt experience when you must compete with other men, felt experience when you were rejected, then you would start to be realistic through lowering your standard of expected wife.

When I was teen, all of my friend had a dream to marry beautiful woman. Now?. Mostly of them married women who are not beautiful. But they feel happy with their wives. Difficulties and failures that they felt in their struggle to get a wife made them feel grateful when finally they were accepted although their wives do not really matched with their early criteria.

You will never know the difficulty of a struggle if you never feel this struggle by yourself.

MuslimInshallah said:

I also know that my position that unmarried Muslim men and women should mix and get to know one another is contentious. But having looked at the alternatives, I cannot find a better route than this, at least in the present cultural context in which I live.

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It is better to remain single and unmarried, than to engage in sin "with a view to marriage". Allah will know those who avoided sin for his sake and had to endure hardship because of it, and kept firm and patient on it, and will reward them amply if He so wishes from His Infinite Grace.

May Allah forgive my sins.

Insaanah said:

It is better to remain single and unmarried, than to engage in sin "with a view to marriage". Allah will know those who avoided sin for his sake and had to endure hardship because of it, and kept firm and patient on it, and will reward them amply if He so wishes from His Infinite Grace.

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:wasalam:

I think what sister MuslimInshallah mean is not committing premarital relationship, but do interaction to make them understand about opposite gender.

I notice, there are brothers and sisters here who have negative image on opposite gender and do not know how to respect the opposite gender. The bad effect that will be happen is they will not treat their spouses well after they have been married. It's happen because they don't know about opposite gender except from people who 'indoctrinate' them which usually tell them about negative things like, women are materialistic, men are selfish, etc.

I myself could treat my late wife well because I have positive view on women which I got from my interaction with women such as my schoolmates, my neighbors, my friend's sisters, etc. No, no, I never did something wrong, just normal interaction. When I learned Qur'an when I was kid I always learned together with girls. In my country brothers and sisters in Islamic organizations are mixing too, they discuss together, do activities together.

But I understand if there is cultural difference between Muslims in my place and Muslims in another place.

When marrying overseas, we also should remember that some people are looking for marriage to the western countries because they are looking for a visa to moving there. They (both men and women) use marriage only as excuse for this purpose.

ardianto said:

I think what sister MuslimInshallah mean is not committing premarital relationship

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Yes, I understand that.

ardianto said:

but do interaction to make them understand about opposite gender.

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Most Muslims have opposite gender Muslims in their families who they can interact with. My understanding is that the sister is saying that Muslim men and women should mix and talk and get to know each other, if that will enable them to find a spouse. As Muslims, our conversations/interactions with non-Mahrams are meant to be limited to only what is necessary, and free mixing generally isn't allowed.

My point is, we shouldn't resort to the disallowed to achieve an objective, even if that objective happens to be an Islamic one. We should remain patient.

The problem is, though, that nowadays, mixing/talking etc has become the norm, and to suggest it shouldn't be done, comes across as ultra orthodox/strange, even though that was once the norm.

Insaanah said:

As Muslims, our conversations/interactions with non-Mahrams are meant to be limited to only what is necessary, and free mixing generally isn't allowed.

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Assalaamu alaikum Insaanah,

(mildly) My point is, that in my cultural context, it is necessary. I support the idea that men and women shouldn't socialize outside of what is needed to function after they are married. But if they are looking to get married, they need to go out and socialize. What other alternative is there? I don't know any better way to do it. Trust me, I have tried to look for other solutions; but I have not found a better one than this. If you have some ideas, please share them with us.

JazakAllah khairan my sister.

MuslimInshallah said:

Assalaamu alaikum Insaanah,

(mildly) My point is, that in my cultural context, it is necessary. I support the idea that men and women shouldn't socialize outside of what is needed to function after they are married. But if they are looking to get married, they need to go out and socialize. What other alternative is there? I don't know any better way to do it. Trust me, I have tried to look for other solutions; but I have not found a better one than this. If you have some ideas, please share them with us.

JazakAllah khairan my sister.

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You are right sister. In most of the western countries advices like "ask your parents to looking for suitable spouse to you" or "ask help from the imam" don´t work at all.

^o) Also, most of the people here (yes muslims too) can´t marry with stranger. They have to know him/her by some way before marriage (and fall in love). :statisfie

sister herb said:

You are right sister. In most of the western countries advices like "ask your parents to looking for suitable spouse to you" or "ask help from the imam" don´t work at all.

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In Indonesia guys and girls look for spouses by themselves. Indeed, not every guy or girl able to find a spouse by his/her own effort. But fortunately, other people often help them without asked. In example, when they see a man still unmarried they tell him "Bro, I know a girl. Maybe you are interested to meet her?". Many people in my place actually married those who introduced by other people.

There are people who married with those who introduced by their mothers too (fathers never involved in this affair), but not in arranged marriage.

I know, in the West Muslims are minority and their chance to choose life-partner is not as big as in Indonesia. But actually what makes them seem very difficult to find someone and get married?.

This question raised in my mind after I noticed Chinese people in Indonesia. Chinese is minority ethnic in my place which they just around 3% or maybe less. Mostly of them are non-Muslims. Usually they get married only among themselves, Chinese with Chinese. But seem like not difficult for them to find someone and get married.

Assalaamu alaikum,


(smile) I mentioned tips to help people navigate the perils of searching for a spouse. So I'd like to mention a few tips on how to spot professional financial scammers on marriage sites. As I am a woman, this is written from a woman's perspective. Still, a lot of what I say could be useful for a man, too, I think.


These sorts of scammers are perhaps the easiest to spot, actually. There is a lot of info about how to protect yourself on the internet from this sort of scammer (try googling “spot scammers” or “romance scam”). If you copy and paste their names, profile descriptions or messages to you into google, you will often find chunks of word-for-word same text on multiple sites, including sites dedicated to alerting the public about scammers. You can also check their photos. This sort of scammer is lazy. They aren't interested in spending much time writing new letters for each person they contact, so they re-use chunks of text.


These scammers often have amazing profiles, and are just blown away by your wonderfulness. (smile) They often also aren't very good at figuring out how Muslims talk and think. Ask them about the meaning of life, or what is Islam for them, and they tend to fumble. They may also choose inappropriate usernames, say Islamically inappropriate things (like: I only drink socially…), and use very warm language off the bat.


The following message was from a scammer:


Wow!! You have an incredible profile & you are stunning, gorgeous actually. I saw your profile and it caused and unusual impact, I am interested in you. You have such a beautiful profile. Have you found your lover? If you are still searching, I would like to know more about you, what motivates you? What makes your heart leap with passion? Love? Joy? I find your intelligence and beauty very exciting. Hope we can connect, have a great weekend...


Both this message, and the profile (on halfourdeen), when I copied and pasted them into google, turned up on sites warning of romance scammers. I contacted halfourdeen with my evidence immediately, and they removed this profile. (Please do get these people banned- keep the sites as safe as possible for other users... if you are not sure if they are scammers or not, just send the site administrators your intuitions or proofs- they will look into them and make whatever decisions they feel are appropriate).


Scammers may, however, claim to be recent reverts to cover their mistakes. So other warning flags are useful: do they claim to be widowers (especially losing wives in high profile accidents)? Are there inconsistencies in their stories (dates and ages may vary, for instance)? Do they travel a lot? Are their language skills inconsistent with where they claim to be from? Do the messages seem like cut-and-paste jobs? Does the person try to exchange contact information quickly? This last point is a problem with other kinds of scammers, and even with sincere men. Do resist the urge to have more direct contact with a complete stranger (especially if he sounds fabulous). Exchange as many messages as you need to feel more secure about the person contacting you. And then, if you do want to talk with someone, ask for his number. Check the area code (is it consistent with his story?), then phone him through Skype (yes, phone. That you have to pay for; like that, he won't know your number or Skype name). Have someone with you listening in. This will protect you from inappropriate directions in the conversation, and can give you moral support and feedback, as needed. Don't rush. If he is sincere and serious, he will not try to make you hurry into anything.


The following scammer was more astute than many. His first message was not traceable. He appears to have cut-and pasted a whole lot of people's comments about Islam. He also was more-or-less answering the comments that I had sent him. Note the use of the term of endearment “dear”. Scammers like to insert such terms to create a sense of intimacy and care. Remember: he is not your husband... act accordingly.


Assalaamu alaikum


Thank you for writing and the wishes , I am doing good and its has equally been busy for me over here and thanks to Allah for all is moving on well .


Well my dear friend im not talking about alcoholic just taking something like orange juice anything fruit. anyway tell me how is the wealthier in Canada hope everything is fine over there...We could be very good friends because im interested in knowing you more if you didn't mind.


I like and understand your description of a sacred union .. where in oneness both partners has important roles and responsibilities to play and each partner always


trying to be the right mate . I have been married and would say that I was never found wanting as I believe that the greatest happiness is family happiness.


My journey into Islam was a personal one, I was born a christian but grew up with no religiousness installed in me and I never understood the concept of the faith that


I was born in, however I always had belief in God but not knowing the true religion .. so I was always asking ,reading and watched lots of religious shows but the one


that bought me the most was a shows focusing on difference between Christianity and Islam. For the first time, I saw a religion that made clear sense to me, one of the


main reason why I converted to Islam was in Christianity, I found it hard how could Jesus being the son of God/God on earth, however Islam saying that Jesus was a


prophet just seemed to make perfect sense to me and the way that Muslims worship God also appealed to me and I felt I could focused on worshiping God so much better


than as a Christian.


Islam being deep in my consciousness I went on associating with Muslims learning the inside of Islamic teaching and I said my Shahada about 4 months back and I feel so


fortunate to be part of such a peaceful and respectful religion but most of allI feel so liberated though I know the journey has just begun and I want to spend the


rest of my life learning and growing deeper in faith. .


Elsie is well ,she is in grade 5 and doing really well in school . Here is my email contact : XXXXXX .. you can write me




directly or you drop me yours so we can also exchange pictures .


Thanks and take good care of yourself .


However, the next message reverted to form, and was findable on scamming alert sites:


Assalaamu alaikum


Thanks for writing and for the kind compliment and wishes , I am glad you and the kids are all doing fine and I wish you more grease to your elbow and Allah blessing for you to carry out all responsibilities.Yes my daughter is a very beautiful girl she is not living with me.she's the only princess i have known, she's my joy my shinning light my hope she mean everything to me , yes i know your age and i think you still have a chance to have another child. everything is possible, can you tell me the name of your 3 children i like to know.


Why you never tell me about your husband about your marriage life i will like to know if you don't mind is good to know everything about ourself.


All marriages are to last a lifetime but sometimes the inevitable happens. How long were you married and how long have you been on your current job ? Well i have never been to canada before i have visit United States Of America City of New York is a very beautiful placeto visit. I can see you always smile tell me do you smile everytime,You said you are getting yourself into politics tell me which of the post are you contesting for and i hope is muslim party. well in that case i will support you, do you really know so much about politics you have to know is a hard game politics can break someone's heart when he/she lose election very scared of politics anyway.


I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who is friendly,honest, caring, and trustworthy and fearing. I find very much peace and tranquility here. I`m 5`11" 190 bls with a athletic build, mentally stable, physically fit, a bunch of laughs, warm, caring,honest, a good listener, Fearing, and a positive person. I am real easy person to talk to and a loving and outgoing father. I like going to the movies, or watching movies in my room or Cabin, I like swimming, listening to music and dance to any kind of music, I sing, sailing, going bowling and also a good cook.


I am a family oriented person, love children and there is more, but it would be better for you to find some things out for yourself. It is very important for
me to build a life of stability, security, and opportunity for the special person I hope to share my thoughts, feelings, experiences,dreams and fantasies with, and to offer the best opportunities for any kind that might be included in my life, both mine and that special person children, and that is my focus at this time and I also do enjoy my job.


I want to learn about you and what makes up your heart and soul, as the friendship I want to build with you I want it to be like no other youhave ever shared in or experienced. This friendship I want to build with you will be filled with substance, quality, spirituality, love,faithfulness. Potential. Hope i didn't write much of a novel


U.K has been my place of living and work for many years as I was a direct staff of British Petroleum for over 10 years and in the last 3 yearsI have been working on Independent Contract bases and that what brought me here in UAE . I have been in UAE for a month plus under a 5 months contract but which I am hoping to finish before next month .


My Ex wife was from Hungary and I have my daughter ( Elsie) studying in a boarding International School over there and she and grand mom takes care of her when on holiday . I am very close to her and we spend as much time as I can afford from my work and we do travel around Europe when on holiday.


This scammer was more astute than many. He actually was (more or less) answering to my comments. Still, notice the introduction of a job that has him travelling in the Middle East. He casually asks about my job. Note also the use of strings of adjectives or nouns to describe himself. He is really hitting all the positive notes. I believe this is to make sure that something resonates with the victim of his scam. He is also suggesting that he is very wealthy (international boarding schools, and trips around Europe are not cheap…). And he loves children… When someone sounds this good... beware. Real people are a lot less amazing, and less good at describing themselves.


And why would someone who is such a great guy, has only one child (conveniently away) and wealthy to boot... be interested in a middle aged, child-laden person like myself?


(mildly) We are often scammed by our weaknesses. We are so lonely, and we so much want to believe that we are what the scammer says or hints that we are... and that the amazing person that the scammer pretends to be would be interested in us...


Anyway, I hope that this post helps you. I strongly encourage you, if you are taking the risk of looking for a spouse online (I would recommend that you not risk it, but given the fact that it can be very hard to find a spouse, I understand why you may try this), to read up on romance scammers. In Canada, this is the number one method that Canadians are defrauded (according to the CBC).


Be very wary. Don't be afraid to “lose” an amazing guy. Chances are very good that he isn't.


May Allah, the Victory Giver, Help us to defeat the intentions of those who mean us harm.

I cannot trust a salesman who praise me with sweet words like "You are success businessman!, people adore you!, so you need this car to maintain your high prestige!". I cannot trust a man like this because I know, this is type of man that take advantage from other people weakness, and will not hesitate to cheat.

Type of salesman that I can trust is type of man who does not praise me and does not exaggerate when he promote his product. But he allow me to observe his product and can give me information that I need.

Correlation with this topic?.

Sisters, when a man approaches you, your situation actually is not different than my situation when a salesman offer something to me.

ardianto said:

Sisters, when a man approaches you, your situation actually is not different than my situation when a salesman offer something to me.

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And this goes also same to brothers. We can see marriage as the trade agreement. Of my mind it is something what marriage shouldn´t be. In my case, as western woman, I could guarantee free visa to someone to Europe and what I get is husband whose might not care about me at all but only use me as a step to the "better life".

:embarrass I have met some this kind of brothers already. When some brother from overseas ask me to marry next time, how I can know he isn´t similar? How I can be sure that all brothers aren´t similar like those I have met?

imsad