I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful,
and I want a wife who is more beautiful. What is the right thing to do?.
Praise be to Allaah.
One of the important reasons for which Islam has prescribed marriage is to achieve chastity and to protect oneself and prevent one from looking at haraam things. In order to achieve that, Islam encourages looking at the fiancée before getting married to her, as that will ensure that love and affection will be generated between them, and will create a happy family, based on love, affection and respect, and neither spouse will be tempted to do something other than that which Allaah has permitted. Hence beauty is one of the attributes which one is encouraged to seek and pay attention to.
It says in Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat, which is a Hanbali book (2/621):
It is also Sunnah to choose a beautiful woman, because it is gives a greater sense of transquillity and is more likely to help him lower his gaze and love her more. Hence Islam prescribes looking (at one's fiancée) before marriage.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: It was said: O Messenger of Allaah, which of women is best? He said: “The one who, when he looks at her he feels happy, when he tells her to do something she obeys him, and she does not go against his wishes with regard to herself or his wealth.” Narrated by Ahmad (2/251); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (1838). End quote.
Some scholars regard it as mustahabb, if a man wants to propose marriage to a woman, to start by asking about her beauty first, then about her religious commitment. That is because it is known that people seek beauty first and foremost.
Imam al-Bahooti said in Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat (2/621):
He should not ask about her religious commitment until he has been told good things about her beauty. Ahmad said: If a man wants to propose marriage to a woman, he should ask about her beauty first, and if good things are said, he should ask about her religious commitment, and if good things are said, he should marry her. If he does not hear good things about her religious commitment, then he will have rejected her because of her religious commitment. He should not ask about her religious commitment first, then if good things are said, the he asks about her beauty, then if he does not hear anything good, he rejects her because of beauty and not because of religious commitment. End quote.
What is blameworthy is when a man seeks beauty and forgets about character and religious commitment ‒ which form the foundation of happiness and righteousness. As this is how most people are, the hadeeth urges them to look for one who is religiously committed and of good character, to stop people focussing on outward appearances and ignoring inward qualities.
It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the
Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Women may be married for four things: their wealth, their lineage, their beauty and their religious commitment. Choose the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” Narrated by al-Bukhaari (4802) and Muslim (1466). Al-Nawawi said in Sharh Muslim (10/52):
The correct view concerning the meaning of this hadeeth is that the Prophet (peace
and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was speaking of what people usually do, which is that they look for these four characteristics, the last of which in their view is religious commitment, but you who are rightly guided should choose the one who is religiously committed. End quote
The view that it is mustahabb to seek beauty in one’s intended wife does not mean that dazzling beauty is essential, and that a young man should imagine the image of a girl who is one of the most beautiful women in the world and spend his whole life pursuing the image that he wants, because in most cases he will not find her, she may be weak in religious commitment and character.
Rather what is meant by beauty is the kind of beauty by means of which a man will keep
himself chaste and avoid haraam things, and he will refrain from looking at other women. The definition of that beauty will vary from one person to another, and what matters is the opinion of the one who is proposing marriage.
Our advice to you is not to propose marriage to any girl unless you know that she is of
the level of beauty that you are happy with, so that it will not be a matter of initial keenness after which you get fed up or start looking for something new, which will lead to a difficult series of problems in married life.
Whatever the case, the matter of religious commitment should take precedence over
everything else. With this balanced approach and balanced way of thinking, you can build a happy family life, in sha Allaah. I ask Allaah to help you and decree good for you.
See also the answer to question no. and Allaah knows best.
Re: I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful
Bro there is nothing wrong with you wanting to feel attracted to a woman before marrying her. If you dont feel anything for her then there is less pleasure in the marriage.
However attraction doesnt neccessarily develop instantly...sometimes it takes a few meetings before you start noticing something that is pleasing to you about this person. I think liking someone is dependent on their personality and how they come across. If after having met her a few times you are still not satisfied then by all means do not marry her. However if her piety is what made you propose in the first place then it is possible you will start liking her because of it.
In any case be realistic about yourself and what you can live with. In my experience I have found people grow on you as long as they have the essential personality and qualities that you find attractive and important in a future spouse. If they have these then they will be attractive to you. If they dont then even a gorgeous person will appear dull to you after a while. Trust me it has happened!
I had a proposal that was very nice looking but did not do anything for me because he didnt have the traits I was looking for. On the other hand I know someone who is married to a brother who is not good looking at all but such a lovely guy, I can understand exactly what she sees in him.
Choosing a marriage partner is difficult. You need to be honest and practical and realistic. If you are not Brad Pitt, dont look for Angelina Jolie.
Look for piety and look for someone that is pleasing to you. I am sure you can get both!
Re: I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful
As the sister said, there is nothing wrong with wanting a beautiful wife, but remember, beauty is different things to different people. Some guy may not think a woman is beautiful and another guy might think she is lovely. Ask yourself this question: do you really want to be with someone you can't stand to look at? I think most people would say that no, they don't. There is nothing wrong with that. It is much more fulfilling in the end if you are attracted to your wife. Not that I know from personal experience since I am not married, but it just makes sense when you think about it.
Re: I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful
format_quote Originally Posted by Salahudeen
I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful,
and I want a wife who is more beautiful. What is the right thing to do?.
It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: It was said: O Messenger of Allaah, which of women is best? He said: “The one who, when he looks at her he feels happy, when he tells her to do something she obeys him, and she does not go against his wishes with regard to herself or his wealth.” Narrated by Ahmad (2/251); classed as hasan by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah (1838). End quote.
Actually, Rasulullah (saw) was talking about women who have inner beauty. So, if you propose marriage to a religious woman but not physically beauty, and then you change your mind, want to leave her and looking for woman who has physical beauty, it's means you misunderstand this hadith.
But I understand if you don't know yet what inner beauty is. Only experienced men who can see woman's inner beauty.
Re: I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful
Attraction is important. Marriage is suppose to be for life so it's only fair to be with someone whom we can look at for that long. But that doesn't mean that's all that matters! The person should have a personality, stimulate your mind. Have a beautiful character, be kind etc.
But only Allah knows wats good for u, so making dua that Allah blesses us with wat is the best for us, is the best we can do I guess.
Learn Patience from Asiyah, Loyalty from Khadijah, Sincerity from Aisha and Steadfastness from Fatima.
Re: I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful
This reminds me of an old song by The Coasters:
"If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife.
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you.
A pretty woman makes her husband look small,
And very often causes his downfall.
As soon as he marries her, then she starts,
To do the things that will break his heart."
But, seriously, beauty is only skin deep, and a good character is essential long after the external beauty vanishes.
Re: I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful
Do you know ? I was a handsome guy when I was young. My problem in love matter was not "how to get a girl" but " how to avoid girls who try to approach me". But that's not easy, some girls had hearts that too easy to be broken.
But that was in the past, now I am not a heart breaker anymore, but .......... just a fat man
Not different than some beautiful girls that I knew in the past but now have turned into fat women. Obesity is frequently happen to married people.
My question to brothers, if your beautiful wife turn into fat woman, would you still love her ?.
Re: I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful
ppl get beautiful with circumstances so a person who isn't beautiful before marriage may actually start looking more beautiful after marriage because of the new life, happiness, etc. i've seen that ppl who weren't so beautfiul seem to be the most beautiful after they get married. additionally, the sister may grow on you after some time, so you'll like her appearance more than anyone else.
finally, do the istikhara and if its the right thing to do, then the marriage will happen and you'll be happy with the results. may Allah bring out the best.
Re: I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful
format_quote Originally Posted by Salahudeen
I proposed marriage to a girl who is very religious but she is not beautiful, and I want a wife who is more beautiful. What is the right thing to do?.
Just think about it. How can you guarantee yourself that any beautiful girl would also be very religious? Good character is the best. If the girl is religios, Insha Allah she will be the best wife for you. Ameen.
Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
When you create an account, we remember exactly what you've read, so you always come right back where you left off. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and share your thoughts. Sign Up
Hide
Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
Bookmarks