Question for Western Muslims who Followed Conservative Paths to Marriage...

**Tyrion** · 01-20-2012

So, I was thinking... For those of you that grew up or spent most of your lives in western countries (Or who grew up on communities heavily influenced by western culture), how was the marriage process for you? I'm asking this to those of you who went about marriage in a really conservative way, without really ever getting to "know" your future husband/wife until shortly before or after the marriage. Was it as insanely awkward as it sounds? Is it difficult to get over the awkwardness and develop a romantic relationship, considering that you (as Muslims) have had very little exposure to relationships between members of the opposite sex? I'm just really curious.

**Tyrion** · 01-26-2012

Originally Posted by TalibahMuslimah

I personally don't agree with what cosmicpathos and tyroin have said regarding bringing up that issue. I agree with Tragic..it is not something you can 'just go about asking'. And if that's something you're going to ask a sister in the first meeting (which some people will just have and base their decision on whether to agree marrying that person or not) OR a few meetings or whatever -it's not an issue that a sister is exactly going to be find comfortable to be asked or even answer for that matter.

I don't agree with Cosmic's way of asking the question as it comes off as incredibly rude, and you obviously wouldn't be bringing this up the first few times you meet in most cases. But you can't deny that its an important question that needs to be asked before a marriage commitment is made. Adults should be able to have serious conversations about things like this without being rude or being offended, and like I've said before, when two adults get together to talk about marriage, this is something they should expect to talk about. I don't care if you feel like its a bit personal, the fact is two people are trying to get married. If ever there was a time for personal questions, it would be then. The alternative is some poor guy/girl marrying someone with a shady but secret past, only to wake up one morning with an incurable disease on a very unpleasant place. Lets be realistic here.

On that note though, I'd appreciate it if we could try and step away from this and go back to the main topic... We seem to have gotten really caught up with this STD issue.

**joyous fairy** · 01-26-2012

Originally Posted by CosmicPathos

What a blinded view of people of Pakistan. Pakistanis, at least the ones living in urban centers, which themselves are much older than the cities of UK, are much more sophisticated, depending on education level, social status and their religiosity.

Marrying relatives and cousins? You seem to be just repeating the stereotype. It is all about what people prefer. If partner of preference happens to be one's cousin, so be it. Moreover, many Pakistanis from UK actually go to Pakistan to find rishtas.

Read my post again please! I did say I was speaking about village people.

And the cousins/relatives thing, that is what I have seen in most of the Pakistani people, the ones I have met so that is my view based on what I have seen.

**CosmicPathos** · 01-26-2012

Originally Posted by TalibahMuslimah

I personally don't agree with what cosmicpathos and tyroin have said regarding bringing up that issue. I agree with Tragic..it is not something you can 'just go about asking'. And if that's something you're going to ask a sister in the first meeting (which some people will just have and base their decision on whether to agree marrying that person or not) OR a few meetings or whatever -it's not an issue that a sister is exactly going to be find comfortable to be asked or even answer for that matter.

I do not see how my question is rude, it is not insulting or judgmental but very respectful. Yes it is direct and surgically sharp. But if someone takes offense with being open and concise and straight, it is actually not my problem to deal with. If you guys did not find the approach useful, fair enough, I did not take offense, as you can develop your own way to ask the question which you might find "less rude". Whatever floats one's boat.

The fact remains though, Islam has allowed us to ask the person we are marrying if he/she is virgin. If that then why not about the past.

**ardianto** · 01-27-2012

Originally Posted by CosmicPathos

I do not see any rudeness in it. Rather a yearning for truth, even if it hurts someone. I've been hurt many a times too by some questions that ppl asked of me, its a cycle that should keep on repeating.

I see a rudeness. Maybe because I live in Eastern.

Bro, that's suitable only for those who familiar with free sex. But if you propose a marriage to a Muslim girl you should avoid talk about STD.

**ardianto** · 01-27-2012

Originally Posted by Tragic Typos

Salaam,

Well I'll share my first experience, since I already shared it to other members...very recently. O___o

I'm not married but I was about to get engaged,. My parents were eager to get me married, so I was introduced to this girl. It was extremely bizarre and very awkward. My face was so red and I tried my best not to burst out laughing. It didn't help that she was giggling. Most of the time, I didn't look at her, too shy.

I didn't knew nothing about her, except that she wants to work at a hospital and her educational background.

I found the entire process extremely embarrassing and tiring.

Oh and I would have behaved like this throughout the wedding. I'm too shy.

She was giggling?. That's good, bro, she likes you. If she dislike you she would not giggling.

Awkward and embarrassed in that situation is normal. Later when you start to familiar with her you will not feel awkward and embarrassed again. Even in the future, the time when you felt awkward and embarrassed would become a beautiful memory for you and your wife.

**GuestFellow** · 01-27-2012

Originally Posted by CosmicPathos

wsalam,
then their loss. I am not dying to marry them. If someone cannot accept this much skepticism and the quest for the truth that can affect my future life, they do not deserve to marry me. I look at it that way.

Depends on how you define loss.

Originally Posted by Tyrion

I don't agree with Cosmic's way of asking the question as it comes off as incredibly rude,

Salaam,

How would you do it then? It is likely it will come across as rude, even if you don't mean it.
There are many people that got married and didn't end up with a partner who has STDs.

If you want to ask the question, go ahead lol.

Originally Posted by ardianto

She was giggling?. That's good, bro, she likes you. If she dislike you she would not giggling.

Awkward and embarrassed in that situation is normal. Later when you start to familiar with her you will not feel awkward and embarrassed again. Even in the future, the time when you felt awkward and embarrassed would become a beautiful memory for you and your wife.

Salaam,

Yeah. o_o

Though we are not getting married because I said no.

**Rhubarb Tart** · 01-27-2012

lol

People are not using their common sense. STD questions should be asked AFTER both parties agree to marry each other. BOTH should go to the clinic and get FULL health check not just for STD.

Trust me; no one wants to wake up having HIV or Chlamydia.

And some people do change but might not know they have caught something from their past…..just saying.

There are people that know they have HIV, but don’t tell anyone. This does not only happen to people who sleep around but one woman who was tearful because her HUSBAND passed HIV knowing full well he had it. He is in jail.

Some of these STDs can do damage if undetected and some are permanent but is manageable (HIV).

It up to people to turn a blind eye but i managed to ask

**GuestFellow** · 01-27-2012

Originally Posted by sweet106

People are not using their common sense. STD questions should be asked AFTER both parties agree to marry each other. BOTH should go to the clinic and get FULL health check not just for STD.

I declare sweet106 the champion of this thread. I agree with you.

**CosmicPathos** · 01-27-2012

Originally Posted by Tragic Typos

I declare sweet106 the champion of this thread. I agree with you.

so lets say the person is found to have HIV, chlamydia, syphillis, past history of bacterial vaginosis and pelvic inflammatory disease, hpv etc, after they have agreed to marry, then what?

**Tyrion** · 01-27-2012

Originally Posted by Tragic Typos

I declare sweet106 the champion of this thread. I agree with you.

I think its preferable to ask these questions right before agreeing to marry, instead of after... If the other person happens to have an STD, it'll be worse if you find out AFTER you agree. I have no idea why you suddenly seem to support her view, when we're both essentially saying this is a question that needs to be asked to potential marriage partners... And that was what you had an issue with... Asking it after you agree to marry wouldn't exactly make it less awkward.. Instead, it could potentially make it a much more difficult situation. Once again, start being a little realistic.

Now, lets move on.

**GuestFellow** · 01-27-2012

Originally Posted by CosmicPathos

so lets say the person is found to have HIV, chlamydia, syphillis, past history of bacterial vaginosis and pelvic inflammatory disease, hpv etc, after they have agreed to marry, then what?

Salaam,

You don't get married. It is as simple as that. End it and move on.

**GuestFellow** · 01-27-2012

Originally Posted by Tyrion

I think its preferable to ask these questions right before agreeing to marry, instead of after... If the other person happens to have an STD, it'll be worse if you find out AFTER you agree. I have no idea why you suddenly seem to support her view, when we're both essentially saying this is a question that needs to be asked to potential marriage partners... And that was what you had an issue with... Asking it after you agree to marry wouldn't exactly make it less awkward.. Instead, it could potentially make it a much more difficult situation. Once again, start being a little realistic.
.

Salaam,

Are you upset that I agree with her?

I was looking at the situation that would benefit me. I would find it more comfortable to raise the issue after agreeing to get married if I think it is necessarily. Also I like how sister sweet106 worded her post too.

Originally Posted by sweet106

STD questions should be asked AFTER both parties agree to marry each other. BOTH should go to the clinic and get FULL health check not just for STD.

I agree that a full health check should take place after both sides agree to get married if I think it is necessarily.