I will be his second wife

format_quote Originally Posted by Umm♥Layth

I appreciate your advice brother, however, I haven't said anything wrong. I was actually going to address your post, but decided not to. When a person is firm in their decision, you shouldn't be the cause of second guessing, especially when it is something as delicate as this. The sister obviously came here in conflict and needed clarification and she got the clarifications she needed.

Do you have experience in marriage and broken homes? Probably not.

Why is it that when somebody brings their (not so pleasant) experience to the table, they are considered bitter or assumed to have grudges . Does Allah not give us all experiences so that we may gain wisdom and share with others? What is the point of any of it if we allow other to make the same (or worse) mistakes without at least advising?

I'm sure there's a hadith about this. Something along the lines of "a person who repeats the same mistakes as his brother is a donkey". Maybe I am mistaken or it is a proverb, but my point is, we all have experiences to share so that others can learn. It is up to each individual to decide for themselves and weight their pros and cons.

I'm not responsible for her decisions, I am responsible for the information I share and only that. Bystanders are also responsible for their lack of action you know

Contrary to popular belief, some of us who go through hardship actually heal, LEARN and come out a better person than they were before, Alhamdullilah Believe me when I tell you, I'm not a bitter hag who thinks ill of all men. I was blessed with so much more in a husband that I had ever though of asking for in my second marriage, Alhamdullilah. I regret nothing in my past (except sins of course) and I'm grateful for my experiences. I won't sugarcoat the truth and the possibilities though. I feel that my community failed me, grown women with more experience failed me in advising me before marriage. I won't do that to another sister OR brother.

If a brother came here with a similar dilemma, I would also help him question his situation so that he may gain clarity.

and Allah knows best!

Sister, there is experience and there is assumptions. Experience is beneficial, assumptions are not. For example, if you have experience, you can use certain questions to quickly show the real intention of some people. However, your feelings, are PROHIBITED to be brought in with a advice which are assumptions. As Islamic Judges, cannot judge when they bring their own feelings in it. A advice or judgement is based on rationality and logic.

You said this "When a person is firm in their decision, you shouldn't be the cause of second guessing". What you said is wrong on so many levels. What i have said is sister, you have said X, are you 100% sure of it? Do you have all the arguments why you have chosen X as your choice? She said yes and gave HER arguments. This makes her also more sure of HER decision. While now regarding this comment of yours, it seems you wanted her to get rid of him instead. THAT IS NOT YOUR decision to make. We here on this forum, give advice, we do not choose for people. This is EXACTLY why i typed that comment knowing that sister to not be influenced or maybe manipulated to choose one decision while it may NOT be her decision. Let's say if this sister would have indeed taken this advice because you somehow manipulated her to do so. Afterwards realizing that it wasn't really what she wanted it. She maybe later on hate Muslims because of such "lousy" advice and ruining her life. But if she was aware of all of it, with very firm argumentation why she would leave him, makes it thus the more strong decision and make her a stronger and wise and intelligent woman.

Everything in the current society worldwide has become corrupted, YET we are NOT permitted to assume things.

You mix up many things. Making the same mistake is one thing, but i am MORE than sure that you and i still do not know every detail. Yet you sound as if you do, because you have experienced a bit SIMILAR situation based on the few things this sister has said.

I indeed have no marriage experience that for sure, but i am also not influenced by negative feelings regarding of a marriage experience. It is just how you look at things. Often we get tunnel vision, while simple answers and questions are given by the most inexperienced people. Like a child saying "mom/dad why is X like that?" You and i maybe never even realizing that indeed something we have done for years, but looking at it from another perspective might seem odd. So do not brush me off because i have no marriage experience, rather judge what i say and teach me how contradictory it is what i am saying.

Peace

Btw, i not having any hard feeling and i hope you also don't towards me ..as i am just a Simple_Person with a simple mind and a simple argument.

format_quote Originally Posted by Simple_Person

Sister, there is experience and there is assumptions. Experience is beneficial, assumptions are not. For example, if you have experience, you can use certain questions to quickly show the real intention of some people.

I did exactly this. I provided my experience and asked questions. Go back and read my posts. At no point did I say "This brother is 100% without a doubt doint XYZ." No. I provided plausible explanations.

However, your feelings, are PROHIBITED to be brought in with a advice which are assumptions. As Islamic Judges, cannot judge when they bring their own feelings in it. A advice or judgement is based on rationality and logic.

Speaking of assumptions, I do believe you are assuming that emotions were used while advising here when in fact they were not. I have no feelings on this matter. It does anger me to see injustice and I do what I can to prevent it, but ultimately, I am not related to our sister Semira or her boyfriend. I'm simply an outsider looking in. In no way, shape, or form did I make this about myself.

She maybe later on hate Muslims because of such "lousy" advice and ruining her life. But if she was aware of all of it, with very firm argumentation why she would leave him, makes it thus the more strong decision and make her a stronger and wise and intelligent woman.

You have no control over what she does or doesn't think and people don't NEED to argue about their decisions. Most people live their lives in limbo, unable to make firm decisions in life because they don't trust Allah or themselves. People around them don't help when they are questioning their decisions. I understand where you are coming from though.

Oh and if you care to make muslims look their best, don't argue about petty things lol. You are entitled to give your advice and I'm entitled to give my advice also. We don't see life through the same lens and it is GOOD that a person get different perspectives.

Everything in the current society worldwide has become corrupted, YET we are NOT permitted to assume things.

Sorry, this doesn't make sense. This is a moot point anyway because at no point was I assuming anything. This has been a constant accusation on this thread and it seems to me that those making these accusations have some sort of emotion invested in this subject.

i am MORE than sure that you and i still do not know every detail. Yet you sound as if you do, because you have experienced a bit SIMILAR situation based on the few things this sister has said.

Again, I never made her situation about me. We only advised her based on the information she provided and as she provided more, our advice changed.

I indeed have no marriage experience that for sure, but i am also not influenced by negative feelings regarding of a marriage experience. It is just how you look at things. Often we get tunnel vision, while simple answers and questions are given by the most inexperienced people.

I understand what you are saying, but you have to have some level of respect for your elders and people with more and/or different experience than your own. I certainly do not have tunnel vision. I'm actually a councelor in real life, and it is part of my profession to provide different angles and points of view

So do not brush me off because i have no marriage experience, rather judge what i say and teach me how contradictory it is what i am saying.

Nobody is brushing you off. I asked that question for two purposes. 1) To be sure I'm not making false assumptions. 2) So you can reflect on what you are advising and your experience on the matter. This IS relevant, believe it or not.

This is similar to giving parental advise when a person has no children and then when it is their turn to be parents, they end up eating their words and choking on them lol. Most of us have been there

Let's stay humble. No hard feelings.

Asalaam Aleikum.

format_quote Originally Posted by Umm♥Layth

I did exactly this. I provided my experience and asked questions. Go back and read my posts. At no point did I say "This brother is 100% without a doubt doint XYZ." No. I provided plausible explanations.



Speaking of assumptions, I do believe you are assuming that emotions were used while advising here when in fact they were not. I have no feelings on this matter. It does anger me to see injustice and I do what I can to prevent it, but ultimately, I am not related to our sister Semira or her boyfriend. I'm simply an outsider looking in. In no way, shape, or form did I make this about myself.



You have no control over what she does or doesn't think and people don't NEED to argue about their decisions. Most people live their lives in limbo, unable to make firm decisions in life because they don't trust Allah or themselves. People around them don't help when they are questioning their decisions. I understand where you are coming from though.

Oh and if you care to make muslims look their best, don't argue about petty things lol. You are entitled to give your advice and I'm entitled to give my advice also. We don't see life through the same lens and it is GOOD that a person get different perspectives.


Sorry, this doesn't make sense. This is a moot point anyway because at no point was I assuming anything. This has been a constant accusation on this thread and it seems to me that those making these accusations have some sort of emotion invested in this subject.



Again, I never made her situation about me. We only advised her based on the information she provided and as she provided more, our advice changed.



I understand what you are saying, but you have to have some level of respect for your elders and people with more and/or different experience than your own. I certainly do not have tunnel vision. I'm actually a councelor in real life, and it is part of my profession to provide different angles and points of view



Nobody is brushing you off. I asked that question for two purposes. 1) To be sure I'm not making false assumptions. 2) So you can reflect on what you are advising and your experience on the matter. This IS relevant, believe it or not.

This is similar to giving parental advise when a person has no children and then when it is their turn to be parents, they end up eating their words and choking on them lol. Most of us have been there

Let's stay humble. No hard feelings.

Asalaam Aleikum.

You did not get my point. But i leave this discussion like this.

wa alaikum salam wa rahmatullah

format_quote Originally Posted by Umm♥Layth

.

Sister, our conversation has stayed on my mind since yesterday and i have the feeling that i somehow have done injustice to you or hurt your feelings in someway.

I apologize and please forgive me as it wasn't intended like that. I sometimes say things that are seen as blunt because i often go straight to point and forget the emotional part of it as this still exist.

Again, please forgive me as i did not intended as something negative.

format_quote Originally Posted by Simple_Person

Sister, our conversation has stayed on my mind since yesterday and i have the feeling that i somehow have done injustice to you or hurt your feelings in someway.

I apologize and please forgive me as it wasn't intended like that. I sometimes say things that are seen as blunt because i often go straight to point and forget the emotional part of it as this still exist.

Again, please forgive me as i did not intended as something negative.

I also ask your that you forgive me if I offended you in any way. Don't worry, I'm fine! Alhamdullilah. Text is difficult as it shows no emotion or body language. I know you mean well

format_quote Originally Posted by Umm♥Layth

I also ask your that you forgive me if I offended you in any way. Don't worry, I'm fine! Alhamdullilah. Text is difficult as it shows no emotion or body language. I know you mean well

i hope truly that you can do what you were doing before. As your comments often contain valuable information and wisdom. And no, you have not offended me and if you feel like you have, know that i already have forgiven you .

Jazakallahu khairan, for your time and effort.

As-salamu alaikum.

He is asking you to be his mistress and nothing more.

format_quote Originally Posted by MuslimInshallah

Assalaamu alaikum everyone,


(smile) This is an important discussion, and I congratulate everyone who has given their input on this topic. I have therefore made this a "gems thread". I also will be "repping" people, but as I do not want to re-read the whole thread and try to figure out which is the best post by each person (and honestly, there are a lot of really good posts), I'll just go systematically from the beginning (in case you were wondering why I chose a particular post).


May God, the Generous, Reward you all for your sincere efforts to tackle this question.

Sister, i am kind of green behind the ears about many things done on the forum..like "gems" and this whole "repping" system. However your post to me is very confusing. Are you saying that you will decide what is the best post that answers this topic?

Btw, is there any way that i can hide my reputation, Rep power AND Likes (received).

She said "best post by each person" meaning, which post she will rep us from. For example, I if I made 20 posts in this thread, she will not rep me on all 20, rather on my best couple of posts. Make sense?

Also, there is a wisdom behind the rep power. It encourages posted to make quality posts and not focus on post count. Quality posts are very useful and important for good discussions.

I hope this helps!

format_quote Originally Posted by Simple_Person

Sister, i am kind of green behind the ears about many things done on the forum..like "gems" and this whole "repping" system. However your post to me is very confusing. Are you saying that you will decide what is the best post that answers this topic?

Btw, is there any way that i can hide my reputation, Rep power AND Likes (received).

I don't know what either terms mean either
Please explain sister

Jazak'Allahu Khairan Khateeran

format_quote Originally Posted by Umm♥Layth

She said "best post by each person" meaning, which post she will rep us from. For example, I if I made 20 posts in this thread, she will not rep me on all 20, rather on my best couple of posts. Make sense?

Also, there is a wisdom behind the rep power. It encourages posted to make quality posts and not focus on post count. Quality posts are very useful and important for good discussions.

I hope this helps!

Then it would be useful to also be able to hide my amount of posts . I am just a Simple_Person who wants to stay simple. As you for example stated "to make quality posts" which from my perspective more looks like a trap for sheytan to use. As we often will try to post such great quality posts so people can say "ma'sha'Allah what a wise/smart person, that he/she gained so many reputation points or this rep power". I know i am a strange Simple_Person, but what counts for me is that the individual i advice can by him/herself judge the comment i made beneficial or not. I do not want whole community to see what achievement i have made so far.

I am by the way not saying for everybody to hide those things, but being able to disable it if you want to. As i myself see FOR MYSELF more harm than benefit in it.

format_quote Originally Posted by Simple_Person

Then it would be useful to also be able to hide my amount of posts . I am just a Simple_Person who wants to stay simple. As you for example stated "to make quality posts" which from my perspective more looks like a trap for sheytan to use. As we often will try to post such great quality posts so people can say "ma'sha'Allah what a wise/smart person, that he/she gained so many reputation points or this rep power". I know i am a strange Simple_Person, but what counts for me is that the individual i advice can by him/herself judge the comment i made beneficial or not. I do not want whole community to see what achievement i have made so far.

I am by the way not saying for everybody to hide those things, but being able to disable it if you want to. As i myself see FOR MYSELF more harm than benefit in it.

I understand your perspective and I don't think people make good posts for the sake of reputation. Shaytaan can use any door he wants if the person leaves it open. The amount of influence shaytaan has on each individual is in their own hands.

I was simply explaining it from a forum moderation point of view. As a member, I would much rather see posts that are beneficial than to see empty posts with emojis and 2-3 words. That's just my opinion as somebody who has frequented different forums for 12 years.

Hope this was helpful

UPDATE:

So after I talked with an imam and with my... man, and listening to advices from here I have decided to back down from the whole situation.

The man in question refused to accept my decision, not that he didn't agree but he didn't want to let me go. (as in he doesn't want to lose me)

So he told his family and wife about his intentions and about me.
His family accepted somehow, except his mother who thinks me being christian and marrying him is haram and i'm a sinner and *dirty*. Which I know it's not!(haram)
His wife... is threatening to kill herself or leaving and taking the children away and doesn't really speak with him anymore even though they live in the same household.

I am still sustaining my decision and waiting to see what happens though... having small small second thoughts.
I'm posting this in the idea that maybe it will generate more answers and some day will be helpful for someone in my situation.

Subhan'Allah great advice from sister Umm Layth.

Best advice comes from an empathic perspective.

May Allah swt guide you in the right way hun.

When your out of this situation you will be relieved. Right now it's too overwhelming to think straight.