Calling someone whos not ur son "my son""

[AnonymousPoster]

Salams

My sis is married to a revert brother n they are happily married hamdulilah. Here's the problem. The bro has been going to an islamic forum, during his stay there he met a 50 year old muslim woman. Apparently he use to visit that forum be4 he met my sis. The woman first starts calling herself "his mother". I thought even that was awful to say, because he's a MAN, shes a WOMAN, they are not related, what on earth makes her "his mom"?

A few months after my sis got married she introduced me to the forum. I started posting there and I got to know the muslimah too, she once pmed me and said "that she wonders wat my "brother in law" looks like. That she never met him, but that she dreamt about him. I thought that was dodgy but jst didnt tell my sis. Now things started proceed that she even calls him on his cell fone. "sends him islamic books".

He can buy books if he wants?..He never said buy and send books to me. There are many Muslim Men in his community that he knows. Who can help him in matters of deen.

He's 26 so he's not really 12 u kno. He keeps getting fone calls from that woman "who also lives in a arab country". she use to help him on the forum with arabic etc, but broters and siters isnt it weird that shes calling him? She knows that he's married. If she is truly as righteous as she is, and wants to only help out, doesnt she understand that shes not suppose to have this relationship with a married man?

My Brotha in law, didnt ask her to call him. He thinks its ok for her call and check on him like that. Just cause she's 50?

On several occasions she also advised him to "move" in the country she resides in (Muslim country). She talked him into it. Due to Allahs decrees he can't go. But he did consider going, he even said "even if my wife doesnt want to go, I will go to learn arabic".

My sister wasn't happy about this. She's also a new Muslimah to Islam, but she doesn''t understand why this woman is in her husbands life.

Is this behaviour considered normal?

 

[bewildred]

Hmmmmmm, icky....icky.....

Why don't you advise your in-law in a very subtle way? I hate these kinds of situations. Very uncomfy situation for your sister.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I think this is a question of trust, and definition of roles in a so-called relationship --
When my dad gets a phone call from a woman and my mom is the one who picks up the phone, she automatically transfers it over to him no questions asked.
Or my dad will leave notes saying if Miss so and so calls, tell her this, this and that. None of us interfere with his work and no one assumes a 'relationship' with a woman.

my sister in law on the other hand, will interrogate every woman that calls the house, she goes through my brothers pockets and his emails.. now we all find that very insulting, as my bro is very religious, very kind to everyone and is in fact a part time imam to one of the mosques here.. she makes life with him impossible and all of us by proxy, I remember working for his company one summer and there was a sister there who didn't have paper work to stay in the country, her own cousin wouldn't help her, my brother would buy food for me every day and this sister for breakfast and during lunch, because he knew she couldn't afford it and was having a hard time, one time I mentioned it to my sister in law and she had a heart attack, she was like a tornado in the house, to the point where even my dad got involved.. her actions were appalling and not at all charitable and completely incongruous to the situation . Plus I think jealousy is the most despicable trait a woman can adorn herself with.
My brother helped my sister in law get an education, he put her kaffira mother in a nursing home and kept at her to convert, when her own son knew she had a stroke and didn't even call and ambulance, he has written the house in her name, so basically he could be out on the streets should she end up with one of her fits, he helped financially her loser kaffir brother who didn't even take his mother to the hospital when she had her stroke but was cashing her govt checks. And yet she ceases every opportunity to act irrationally. and we are all miserable because of it.

I am not saying the brother in this situation is rational and your sister is irrational.. if there is 'TRUST' in their relationship to begin with, then she really shouldn't be alarmed. He might just be acting brotherly to an elderly woman who needs it, it doesn't translate to something sinister going on.

If there is no trust this early on in the relationship then neither of them will be comfortable and life will be very difficult. Talking with a woman doesn't translate to 'relationship' half of society are women and they are not meant to be segregated and kept aloof.. Prophet Mohammed SAW used to work for his first wife before they were married!

 

[AnonymousPoster]

thanks annonymous, but I think ur sister in law and our situation i'm afraid is as different as day and night. My sister is not paranoid, nor is she jealous tho she has every right to question this. Honestly, who wouldn't?

This is not normal. Can my sister meet a 50 year old man online and would it be accepted if she recieved fone calls from him? No way wud that be tolerated. This is NOT about work as u tried to put it. It's not like we're talking about two people here who bump into each other at work. If it was just that I wouldn't it be writting about it. This is a woman whos on the internet who calls a man who is not her mahram.

Yes, people do sometimes have to work along side the opposite sex ofcourse, but thats what you cannot avoid. This however is very different, it can be avoided. This woman is not working with him, if she wants to give dawah, why can't she give dawah to women? There are alot of women who need dawah from women. And Allah will reward her for that.

He might just be acting brotherly to an elderly woman who needs it, it doesn't translate to something sinister going on.

So u see that this is about her and not him. Well thats the problem right there, she has no right to need him. She should seek other company, the company of her family and maybe sisters in Islam and not establish a relationship with a married man.

My sister and her husband are happily married. My Brother in law, is a good man mashaAllah. There is no trust issue between them. The problem here is this woman who calls him, whom he never met, who wants to always check on him?

He even told her "I dont think that my wife likes it that you call me"? You would think that would make her stop calling for good, well 1 year later she's still calling him.

One time she told me (while she was praising my BIL) that if she had a sister "she would hook my brother law with her sister (if she had one she said)", if she really considers herself like his mom (which she isn't) why wud she want him for her sister? Why couldn't she say something like "for my daughter", the fact that she would consider him for her sis shows that she would want him for herself too, right?. Allahu Allam.

Anyway, I care about my sister and her husband. I don't want to backbite this Muslimah, I needed advice.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I understand your frustrations, and am starting to see things from your perspective. I hope it works out for you and your sister insha Allah.
I don't personally see anything wrong with your sister speaking with a fifty year old man or exchanging emails. Just depends on the subject matter and the type of 'relationship' and if everyone knows about it.

I get forwards from my dad's friend who runs a newspaper and is active in anti-Israeli protests, and when he calls home and I pick up, I ask him how he is, and how his work is faring before handing the phone to my dad. I call him uncle and he is in his sixties, but you are right I am not married and he doesn't ask me to move places, which is very peculiar.

I guess what I am trying to say is, the more your frustrated with the situation the worst it will get. People have a way of doing exactly opposite of what you ask of them. Or getting angry, when you ask them to honor their vows.

I have a devious plan, which you are free to bin. But how about you suggest they take a mini vacation just the two of them some place seculded in the mountains or a log cabin; a sort of honey moon if their time is permitting in a place where there are no phones or faxes. That way there will be no hold of them and if that woman calls no one will pick. Meanwhile your sister might look into changing the phone number at home so when they do get back, that lady won't be able to get a hold of them. Also make the number unlisted.

I do hope it works out for you, and sorry for any misunderstanding.

 

[Amatullah_]

If your B-in-law knows its bothering your sis...all he has to do is ignore the 'old' lady! Dont answer her calls. Avoid her in the forum, etc. Simple as that. Besides its wrong for him to be keeping contact with the 'old' lady anyway.

He has to make a stop if she (the 'old' lady) doesnt.

 

[Snowflake]

asalam alaikum,

firstly if you give your phone number out to someone, you dont have to ask them to call, you've already given them the right to call you

secondly, as inappropriate as it seems, there could be an innocent side to it.. perhaps the lady did/does have motherly feelings or some other psychological need to feel needed.. Allahu alim.. truth is no one knows what someone else is about unless you get to know them..

only your B.I.L can stop the calls. It take minutes to change one's phone number or put on a block.. perhaps you could casually mention this next time the topic pops up. Saying ' "I dont think that my wife likes it that you call me"? could just be taken as that he has no problem with her calling,, only his wife does

he needs to be a bit more blunt and say, 'I'd like you to stop calling me'..
or as I said before change/block numbers

 

[youngsister]

Being 50 is not that old...this situation is so weird and i really feel for your sister in law i be fuming!

Why did he give her his number? He shouldnt have done that lets turn it around if his wife was the one who had a man contacting her he wouldnt be pleased would he?

He should cut all contacts, there are many other forums he can go to.

 

[Rabiya_M]

Walaykum salaam,

You have to advise your brother in law, tell him to fear Allah and stop talking to her for the sake of Allah and for the sake of your sister. Just because someone calls you mother, she doesn't become one.

In Islam, it is forbidden to follow the footsteps of shaytaan. Everything that could lead person to fall into haraam things is also haraam.

“O you who believe! Follow not the footsteps of Shaytaan.” [al-Noor 24:21].

I don't see any reason for him to talk to her, even if there are no emotions/desires involved. May Allah swt guide him to the right path, the path of righteous, Ameen.

Wallahu ta'ala alaam.

 

[Grace Seeker]

My sister wasn't happy about this. She's also a new Muslimah to Islam, but she doesn''t understand why this woman is in her husbands life.

First, I'm going to say that I think you may have a good read on this particular woman. I think that most of the other posters have hit the most important points above. So I will not repeat them. But since you asked why this woman might be in your brother-in-law's life, I will try to address that. To answer why a 50+ year old might be in the life of a 20+ year old of the opposite gender when they are not biologically related I will share my own story.


I am 52 years old. My wife and I have a couple of grown children, and a grown fosterson. One day we moved and my work provided me a big house with 4 bedrooms to live in. It felt like a waste of space on just the two of us, and we missed having children in the house. So we checked out international exchange programs and began hosting students. We have now hosted 5 students. They became a part of our lives. For a year we were their defacto mom and dad. Even after our students returned home to their natural families, we maintained relationships and were still called "Mom" and "Dad" by them. And we consider them to be our sons and daughters just as surely as those that we raised. As a result, though they are now 19, 20, 23, 24, & 25 years of age, one with a daughter of his own, they still have us 50-year old types involved in their lives (and they in ours). Indeed, this very day I called my 24 year old daughter in Istanbul to wish her a happy Eid. And early this year had another come to spend the summer with us. As I said, though there is no blood relationships between us, we still consider ourselves truly family. One of our sons even introduced us to his biological mother: "Mom, Dad, this is my mother." And she greeted us very warmly because she knew what we had meant to her son.

Now, I know what you have described regarding your brother-in-law and this older woman isn't the same. And while I agree that it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, it may be that there is a reasonable explanation behind it. However, you (or really your sister) is going to have to look. She should not get upset. She should just ask her husband to explain to her the significance of this other person in his life. Either he will be able to, or he will not. And that will pretty much settle whether or not it should continue or (more likely) be ended.

I see it like this. If this other woman is just another "mom" to him, then wouldn't he want his wife to have every bit as good of a relationship with his "mom" as he does? If it is really a mutually supportive nurturing relationship built around righteous values, honor, respect, a desire for the best for the other person, then this would quite naturally include the woman that your brother-in-law has chosen to be his life-long partner, his wife (your sister). If there is no room for your sister in this relationship, then even if the relationship was with your brother-in-law's natural mother it wouldn't be healthy and I would be telling your sister and brother-in-law to seek counseling.

So, your sister needs to be brought in as an equal player in this other relationship. And if either of them (your brother-in-law or this older woman) isn't interested in that, then it really isn't the relationship they say it is. In that case your sister should call it for what it is, cheating on his relationship with her. They may not see it that way because they may have fooled themselves into thinking that it is just about friendship. Doesn't matter. No other woman should come between a man and his wife. (In my mind, not even his natural mother.)

But if they do include your sister, she just may find that there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about. And in that case, you just need to be happy for them, that they have a more extended family than you thought. And your sister will have the blessing of another person in her life that should be there for her should she need the extra support -- because in time we all do.

 

[maryam87]

in my opinon it sounds like she is lonely and probably has no kids? or they dont see her? i dont personally think she views him as her son, cause then why doesnt she share the same relationship with ur sister? (as Grace seeker suggested)
either ways its haram for her to keep callin him, whatever the age difference is.

 

[AmarFaisal]

You know the base of all this is just one thing:

How can the brother in law give someone else in his life (in this case a 50 yr old women, not related, never met) more importance than his wife (whom he's going to spend the rest of his life with).

Sometimes, men find it very difficult to say "no" , becoz they want to be kind to everyone.

They should realise one thing, "You can't keep every1 happy, So choose whom u want to and can keep happy"

Personal Experience:

My husband, being very nice n sweet to others, used to drop this non muslim, co-worker to office. She used to wear all those kinds of non muslim clothes, used to sit with him in front seat, used to accompany him to business dinners and also had relationships with every other man.

SO I tell my husband quit it. My husband promises, as faithful n sweet he is, to quit it. Behind my back he continues it. He lies to me, he destroys our relationship, for wht?

Just that he can not say no to this woman, he is just too kind n sweet to do that!!!

My solution: first I emotionally challenge him, I say if u love me, u quit it now. Result: He doesn't, but goes to sleep.

Second, I take his phone, call this women n talk to her. I say I am extremely uncomfortable abt this all. Sorry my husband n me don't want this to continue. She says alright. Hangs up!

Upto this day, My husband n she meet n say hello at work, she's also very helpful but that's it.

When I meet her at work or at a mall. We say Hi, n everything, but atleast the pick n drop n accompanying eachother to dinner etc has stopped!

As a wife, ur sis has to take the big step, ur brother in law is just being nice as he is to everyone!

 

[youngsister]

SO I tell my husband quit it. My husband promises, as faithful n sweet he is, to quit it. Behind my back he continues it. He lies to me, he destroys our relationship, for wht?

Just that he can not say no to this woman, he is just too kind n sweet to do that!!!

Being nice and sweet is one thing but as muslim we need to fear Allah swt and his punishments, if it what the other way round what would he do?

Subxanallah i am glad things changed through.