need fiance (not finance) advice! quick!

:sl:

First of all you are not getting played, people please stop saying that. If anything she is playing with her own soul. You could always direct her with good knowledge, and speak to her not as your fiancé but as a fellow Muslimah. Due to our perceptions and ignorance we don’t see all our faults clearly all the time. We all know that a mistake that is not acknowledged is a mistake dwelled upon, and one can’t acknowledge their mistakes when they do not have the correct knowledge. This sister clearly doesn’t have enough understanding about God. Most people say God is All-Knowing and All-Seeing, but Walahi most people are unable to comprehend what All-Knowing, All-Seeing meanings, and I am one of them. It is essential to know that God is aware of your actions, because a person becomes more conscious about their actions and words. There will be a sense of shame, as if the heavens are witnessing all that you are doing wrong, and what could be worse than that.

Just know that if you spend more time with her, she won’t “have” the time to hang around with them. She would not be hanging around with guys or mixing with them if she knew that such behavior was unacceptable by you from the beginning, and something tells me that you knew just how social she was. It is not like she started intermixing with men after you two got engaged.

It is like those men who marry a sister that doesn’t wear the hijab, and she didn’t wore it when they met, but after they get married the brother all the sudden wants her to wear the hijab. I wonder if it is for him or for God or does he become more God conscious after marriage, either ways you get what you see nothing less nothing wrong.

And there are some of us who learn from our faults, we don’t learn from people. She might be one of them. Give her something to dwell on. Your rage will not change her mind, but your words might. And be patient and see if you could spot some of the mistakes you have made that made her believe that her behavior is acceptable.
 
:sl:
Brother reading that made me angry i cant even begin to understand what you going through this must drive you crazy..

You say that you want to marry her and have children with this woman but do you seriously want somebody like that to be the mother of your children?

Your not even married yet and you are going through this drama.

Make dua to Allah swt to give you a pious muslimah, you need to move on.

People don't get shot for being ignorant they get enlightened.
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That type of mentality is what leads to honor killing.
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True stranger i dont think he actually meant that they deserve to die, just a figure of speech.
 
:sl: What was your reason for wanting to marry her? Was it for deen (probably not, 'cause she doesn't seem like she practises!), her looks (maybe), her lineage (possibly), or her wealth (possibly)? You need to talk to her and tell her where you're coming from, tell her that what she's doing is haraam, and that free-mixing in Islaam is haraam! It's not that your jealous, well maybe you are, but it's that you're so overly irked by the way that she thinks it's completely normal to go out with a group of guys and girls and then get unexpectedly kissed by one of them. :blind: I'm honestly so awe-struck by that! How is that in any way normal, whether you practise Islaam or not!? Clearly she isn't telling the truth, whether she will admit to it or not. Something fishy's going on and in order to clear all of it up you've gotta talk to her inshaaAllaah, try to inspire her to practise Islaam and since you both haven't gotten Islaamically married maybe you should stay away from eachother unless a mahram is present? Because if you do contact her, or are with her, without her mahram present than your whole ''jealousy'' issue would be quite hypocritical, no?

Basically, what I'm trying to say is, take time out for yourself and try to evaluate why you want to marry her. List some points on what you look for in a marriage and list the things she has inshaaAllaah. Then try to have a good talk with her and explain to her where you're coming from and though what she does may seem ''normal'' to her, it's haraam and that she should cease to do it immediately.

Always remember bro, that you're (inshaaAllaah) getting married for the sake of Allaah.

:w:
 
Wow, thank you for all of your replies and support.

Here is the thing about this girl. She is actually a very sweet girl and her family is amazing. Among the girls I have known, she is of the more pious. She has very strong faith in Allah swt.

If I were to make a comment about her practicing or not, then I would say that she is not any less practicing than me. In fact, it is kind of good because we both work on our deen together and talk about it a lot.

But see, she was raised like a normal American girl, +Islam. Does that make sense? She was told to pray and told to do all of these things, but she was allowed to go out and stuff. I was too, so I can't fault her for that.

In my history, before I was Muslim, I was terrible to girls and had no respect for them, so maybe it is coming back around to me.

I talked to her parents before I went out with her, and the first night we went out, I told her that I was going to marry her. I told her what I expected of a wife and that by doing this I am trying to advance my deen and bring myself closer to Allah swt.

But you see, she is still young too. She is almost 5 years younger than me. I don't go out with friends so often and I avoid women like the plague:blind:.

She is not able to understand the significance of not mixing even though she got randomly kissed... She has always had lots of friends, even boys, and her father let them in his house! I am not going to say that I disagree with him or anything because he is a very pious man and has taught me a good deal of what I know about our religion. His kids didn't get into drugs and although they intermix and went to parties and whatnot, I don't think they were ever sexual or anything like that.

And if they were not the most perfect children, going to these places and trying to be popular in their schools, then they were pretty close! A lot closer than my parents had me.



I am confident that if we work on things, then she will be a most wonderful wife. I think that these posts have helped me a lot by giving me the actual Islamic sources to go to when I talk to her about this stuff.

I still get this strange vibe about this kiss thing (naturally), but she tells me that it was the guy who kissed her when she was complaining about me to him. (I got mad at her that night because she went and did something completely against my wishes.) She said she thinks he just thought it was the opportune time to make a move. Whatever, I have to trust her and give her the excuses.:enough!:



And about the time thing. I live in a different city right now. I drive to see her at my old school every weekend when my new professional school lets out. That is a lot of the problem is that I just have to hear about it on the phone during the week "oh I'm going out for coffee with some friends." or "Oh we are going to this iftar with some people."

Most of the time she is with her brother, but he is not always there now and she gets lonely in like 3 seconds.






----I asked this older Paki guy what he thinks about the situation because he doesn't know her. He said that I shouldn't make such a big deal out of things. He said if she is being honest with me and telling me these things, then she is not trying to hide anything. He said I should be patient with her and try to make a good guess about her niyyat. Honestly, in my heart, I believe she has good intentions.

I'm just so fed up with her putting herself in situations that seem so precarious. I think that is warranted from these past situations, and I just want her to do that for me; to stay away from these guys. Maybe to start dressing more modestly?? But these are religious decisions and I can't force them on her.:X
 
I think there's a typo in your first post:

Recently, she told me that this other convert guy drove her home, and honestly the thought of her in the car with this boy ALONE just makes me want to pull out my hair.
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I believe you meant "her hair". I hope you did.

I don't think you should use your 'overly jealous-ness' as an excuse. Tell her that you dislike what she does as Islam is against it. If she doesn't like you preaching, then she ought to poop in her pants and lose herself in it. Urgh.

Because a husband is the support in a family, and the dude who takes the rest of the members forward. If she isn't happy with you trying to guide her, she's a loser.
 
:sl: Are you dating this sister?

If so, how can you be mad at her for going out with other guys when she's doing something haraam with you (by dating)?

And if not, then inshaaAllaah use the Islamic resources provided by some of the members of this forum. Try to reason with her and tell her the importance of fostering a halal realtionship and building trust. :)

To me it seems like you're the one who's more into this relationship than she is, and if that's the case then maybe you shouldn't marry her.
 
Güven said:
engaging doesnt mean married :)

:w:
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:sl: Exactly. :)

Unless they had a nikkah done, then they're not married, and if they're not married and he sees her without her mahram then they're relationship is not halal.

That's why she probably thinks it's okay for her to do the things that she does. And if you asked her to refrain from free-mixing then she might just think you're being hypocritical.
 
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Liúyú de Lian said:
I think there's a typo in your first post:



I believe you meant "her hair". I hope you did.
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No I think that is what people say in England, I think other places too. It's kinda meanto show how mad/crazy you got.

Anyhow, Brother who started the thread, in the good old chant of the college caffeteria, when a group of guys are speaking about the girl that one of them should seperate stom, I say unto you;


She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go.....She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go...Ohhhhhhhhhh, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta, Gotta Go.​

If you cant feel like you can trust her now then why get into it, I mean, if she had indicated that she was going to change then maybe there would have been hope, but she is saying you have to change and trust her more, well sorry buddy, but anyone driving my lady in a car alone and the lady accepting it, you kno what?

She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go.....She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go...Ohhhhhhhhhh, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta, Gotta Go.​

Anyone getting kissed by exs or class mates they ask to get together with, you know what happens to them? You see the girl,

She's Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go.....She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go...Ohhhhhhhhhh, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta, Gotta Go.​

And Allah knows best, pray istikhara dude.

P>S> Maybe I think you should give her brother some advice to give to her concerning this matter before you break up, just tellhim to tell her, look at the end of the day its your life and hell and heaven are the two options, you playing around is not going to help you.
 
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OMG dude!!!??????????????? i'm saying this in the nicest way possible!
Forget about her and just focus on your deen and future. Honestly if she isn't on your level of being mentally/physically/emotionally/spiritually ready to become for religious then she is just going to slow you down.
i was in your position and it seams as if she likes your friend and he likes her too..
my Islamic teacher once gave me advice it went like this..
she said "sometimes you have to give something good, up, for the sake of Allah. & in return you will get something better."
now i don't know if it is true or not but it worked for me and when i left a guy i was dating alone i found out (FROM OTHER PEOPLE) he wasn't serious and committed to me. Plus if you leave her and she is the one for you Allah will bring her back to you! :)
Inshallah Allah will guide you and you will be happy
Ameen!
 
:sl:

One of the rights a child has upon the father is the right to be provided with a good mother, i.e. that the father has chosen as a wife a good Muslimah. Your future children have a right upon you now that you choose for them a proper mother who will teach them the religion, who will raise them up upon Islaam and will take good care of them. After all, she will inevitably be the one that spends the most time with your children, therefore she needs to be the one that can set the best example and be the best role model for them. So I say, please choose wisely and make your decision with an understanding of the future. May Allaah make it easy for you.
 
not in the intention of ruining anything and whatnot, but dude...
I would personally be out of the relationship the moment i heard of the 'unexpected' kiss. if she allows herself to be in situations that that sort of thing happens, then...

brother, there are many more muslim girls out there that would be much better for you than this one, unless of course you truly think someone who was raised 'that way' could be made to change their ways.
 
Al Habeshi said:
She's Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go.....She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go...Ohhhhhhhhhh, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta Go, She Gotta, Gotta Go.​
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She's Gotta Go, She's Gotta Go :D

....it was really catchy :hiding:

but in all honesty, love and seriousness oh akhee fil islaam (bro in islam)


its not about the "what can be" or "what the future may hold" its about "WHAT SHE IS RIGHT NOW" its about "AM I SINNING RIGHT NOW?" , check yourself NOW, dont check what you can be in 20 years of hard work!

and right now... shes someone you should be losing, coz ur hearts so bruising...


i wish you the best dear bro, if i was there, i'd give you a punch on the shoulder, a slap on the back, raise your chin bro cause Allah rewards those who sacrifice for his sake


may Allah guide us all :)
 
ahh akhi man dat woz too long for me to read, but ul be ari,

Couples have gud n bad tyms, ders always gna be tyms wen ur unhapy wiv eachova,

U needa sit dwn n chat wif er dou, bout the whole male frnds fings.
 
Ameena* said:
That's why she probably thinks it's okay for her to do the things that she does. And if you asked her to refrain from free-mixing then she might just think you're being hypocritical.
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She thinks it's OK because its what she is used to doing, and (an educated guess) within her own circle of friends and, indeed, culture in a narrow sense at least it is OK and perfectly normal with none of the sinister moral overtones I've seen suggested.

If you ask her to refrain from 'free-mixing' she will, in all likelihood, tell you to get stuffed. For any marriage to work you have to accept who someone is, not some sort of ideal you would like them to be. And vice versa or course. I'm not saying her attitudes and behaviour won't change at all, particularly if she loves you and wants to be what you want, but ultimately you will need to think very carefully about how compatible you both are, preferably before you get married.
 

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