marriage advice

[AnonymousPoster]

salam alaikum
This is my story, i have been married for 16 yrs with 3 kids. From the last year my hubby was on internet chatting with girls, when i asked him he said he wanted to marry again. I was naturally quiet upset and i didnt like the fact he used to sit till middle of night chatting with them. but then it didnt work out and so he came back to me.He had an operation done and was wheelchair bound for 8 mnths in which i looked after him in everyway i could not to mention looking after kids his mum and doing part time job. I was managing my own expense also. Anyway he stareted getting better, what i didnt know he was back on internet chatting in night since he sterted to sleep downstairs since his operation.Then all of sudden he started to say back in march that he will never come to me. I was quiet shocked and thought he must b depressed. Even then i looked after him by taking him to hospital appointments, giving him his special diet helping him with his treatment in anyway i could.
I tried my best to help him, by that time he could drive and he used to b out every other day. I was happy that atlest he was going out. Then i found in july he had got married and kept quiet all the while, i was dumb found ,i felt so used.Here i was looking fter him and this what he done behind my back. I confronted him and then he sterted saying he love me more now. So i said if u loved me u would have come to me irrespective of the fact u got married or not. y u kept me in suspense 7 mnths now. u have not kept me or left me. even now he doesnt bother about my feelings. He continues to sleep downstairs an then goes and visit his other one.
I cannot understand y he is doing this.even after this i still love him but he seem more intersted in his other life. He is religious himself but when i asked if he ever wants to come to me, he says yes but doesnt bother.He still got slight prob with his legs but i feel so used. all he wants is his service from me.
I feel so depressed after all this and Allah knows how i carry on with my work.What i wnt to know can he cruelly separete me like this and get married again just to put me in agony.
One of the reason he has kept me is cause of kids perhaps.But y keep me like this?pls advice I donot have any one frm my side who can talk.

 

[youngsister]

Subxanallah sister i cant even begin to understand what you must be feeling, dont feel used just think of all the good deeds you would have gotten isha allah for helping him.

He is religious but yet chats to girls online..subxanallah

He shouldnt have gotten married without telling you and at this point of his life he should be grateful for what you done, many women would leave him as soon as they found he was chatting to other girls let alone stick with him through his illness.

Islamically he should treat you both equally and that doesnt seem to be the case, sister you need to look at your life and think whether this is what you want, being depressed and crying over a man?

I am not saying you should divorce him but you need to have a serious talk otherwise you would just end up hating him in your heart for what he is doing and you be more and more depressed, life is too short to be spend crying and being upset.

Pray istakarah and see what the outcome is all i am saying is that you dont have to go through this, you as a muslim woman deserve much better

 

[Ushae]

Sister I really feel for you...

It seems you have nothing but cared and protected this man, yet he shuns you and mistreats you VERY badly. Despite having given him 3 children (who I'm sure are wonderful) and a lifetime of happiness and loyalty.

If what I read was accurate he did not even get your permission to marry again ? He should have. What he has done is haram, in every sense of the word. He should have had your full approval before undertaking anything like this. And from the sounds of it, he is simply thrill seeking, most likely with a younger more attractive woman (women?). I think the first thing you need to is do your BEST to salvage the relationship and try to make things better. Talk to him seriously and make sure he knows how upset you are, more importantly explain to him WHY you are upset so he understands where your grief is coming from. Most people are ignorant and expect their partners to somehow psychically read their minds and understand them. You have to communicate !!

Try your best, perhaps bring your elders into this ? Having a third party usually helps.

 

[Zahida]

Sister what can i say to you, my huband has done the same. I understand how you feel. I have been through hell and back, ranted and raved at him talked to him lovingly buut achieved nothing. I think sister in the end i realised that even though my husband took a second wife he carried on having affairs and seeing other women. What you must think about is that he is Answerable to Allah. Let him continue to do as he does like me you will find that you cannot change him unless he changes himself. Allah is watching. Just be patient and continue with your life learn to live for the beautiful gifts Allah has given you, your children. You will see InshAllah as i am also waiting that men like this will be punished. I know how you are feeling trust me for two years i was depressed and taking medicine and i didn't want to live slowly, slowly sister Allah will give you patience, and you must remember Allah is watching and your husband will be punished accordingly. A woman/wife in Islam is to be treated with respect/love at all times. Please if you want to talk you can contact me. I will be there for you. Take care of yourself.:bump:

salam alaikum
This is my story, i have been married for 16 yrs with 3 kids. From the last year my hubby was on internet chatting with girls, when i asked him he said he wanted to marry again. I was naturally quiet upset and i didnt like the fact he used to sit till middle of night chatting with them. but then it didnt work out and so he came back to me.He had an operation done and was wheelchair bound for 8 mnths in which i looked after him in everyway i could not to mention looking after kids his mum and doing part time job. I was managing my own expense also. Anyway he stareted getting better, what i didnt know he was back on internet chatting in night since he sterted to sleep downstairs since his operation.Then all of sudden he started to say back in march that he will never come to me. I was quiet shocked and thought he must b depressed. Even then i looked after him by taking him to hospital appointments, giving him his special diet helping him with his treatment in anyway i could.
I tried my best to help him, by that time he could drive and he used to b out every other day. I was happy that atlest he was going out. Then i found in july he had got married and kept quiet all the while, i was dumb found ,i felt so used.Here i was looking fter him and this what he done behind my back. I confronted him and then he sterted saying he love me more now. So i said if u loved me u would have come to me irrespective of the fact u got married or not. y u kept me in suspense 7 mnths now. u have not kept me or left me. even now he doesnt bother about my feelings. He continues to sleep downstairs an then goes and visit his other one.
I cannot understand y he is doing this.even after this i still love him but he seem more intersted in his other life. He is religious himself but when i asked if he ever wants to come to me, he says yes but doesnt bother.He still got slight prob with his legs but i feel so used. all he wants is his service from me.
I feel so depressed after all this and Allah knows how i carry on with my work.What i wnt to know can he cruelly separete me like this and get married again just to put me in agony.
One of the reason he has kept me is cause of kids perhaps.But y keep me like this?pls advice I donot have any one frm my side who can talk.

 

[Ushae]

BUMP!

I feel that more people need to read and give their opinions on this. This is a serious matter, the sister has asked for help, we should give it!

 

[AnonymousPoster]

i dont know if this is right but isnt he supposed to ask u if he can remarry?? i thought that was the custom but he is not doing his dutties as a husband. chatting online with woman, is that even halal?? pff. Sister, Allah is just, so inshallah he will get what he deserves. stay stronge

 

[Hamayun]

He is not allowed to marry without your permission. May Allah reward you for your patience and devotion to a man who doesn't deserve it.

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

Reading through your post made me really upset, especially because you stated he is religious, and it makes so mad that it's the guys with the religious image who do stuff like this.

I know this might seem like I'm kicking my sister while she's down, and that is not my intent. But it's not true what some have said, he doesn't have to ask for permission to get a second wife. That is something Allah has already allowed on him, and unless it was stipulated differently in the marriage contract he can get a second wife. However, the ulama have said that obviously the better route to go is to tell the first wife and seek to make her happy, which he did not do and nor has he sought to even treat them equally. And what he did by chatting with girls, continuously using you, and not giving a thought about your feelings and all that you've done for him as a wife and the mother of his children is disgusting.

And I don't know where you live, but is it against the law to marry again?

I'd take this to the imaam if I were you. Try to focus on your kids, because they need at least one of their parents to be the role model in their life. And make lots of dua that Allah pulls you through this, because He has the power to and He will if you turn to Him.

May Allah grant you the strength to overcome this pain and suffering you are enduring and may He reward you for all that you have patiently done for this man. Ameen.

 

[syilla]

:salamext:

i'm trying to find the best solution regarding this matter...for one of my friends.

What is the best way to deal with this problem? It is just not fair for a woman to be sabr all the time without taking any productive measures.

Please post some of the hadeeths or ayaah...relating the wife rights on her husband.

Is it true...that eventhough the wife is bruising inside because of the husbands doing (unislamically) the wife has no rights to give naseehah or ask for divorce? i'm sure not... please help me to refute.

i just hate the way most of the husbands here in my country treating their wives. i really want to tell them that they are wrong and the wives has the right to put an end to their husbands habits.

thanks in advance...

 

[AnonymousPoster]

salaam
Thanks everyone for the reply . As regarding the repair of marriage its become irrepareable since he has mentioned many times in the past that im a burden on him, he has never loved me for all these years but i was just an obligation on him. So basicall y he was buying time so as soon he gets the chance he will take it. Meanwhile i put my trust around him all these years. He was constantly telling me since last year that i need to let go of him.I struggled hard and found part time job , since he had never given me the freedom to work before so naturally it was difficult, also i stay with my inlaws who had there usual bits of putting me down. My friends always think that i was too much of doormat for evryone.
I want to move out but it is so dificult, im very shy and homely person. but im forced to think this. He also makes me feel that my life is over and i should concentrate on making money so i can do what i want. As if money will give me happiness. When i said i want to leave he changed his tune and said no i do love u .....blah blah. pls dont leave. but how can i trust him????
After all this years he was not truthfull so how can i trust him.
sis zahida im so sad u r in same situation, may Allah help u and people like us.
i dont know how to contact u. mayb u can contact me
take care and keep me in dua
salaam

 

[islamirama]

A man is allowed to marry and take more than one wife. He does not need permission by anyone unless otherwise stipulated in the marriage contract. But any man can't take another wife, there are preconditions that need to be met, guidelines that need to be followed and what not. If he can support more than wife financially, allocate sufficient time to each wife, emotionally and mentality sound/mature to take another wife, and can fulfill his obligations to both then he can take another wife.

The problem that you are suffering from stems from neglect of some of these rules and guidelines, namely neglect of the duty to divide one's time fairly among wives. The man is obliged to share his time, night and day, equally among his wives. It is not permissible for him to spend more time with one of them, unless one of them willingly gives up her time as a favour to the other. Otherwise it is not permitted at all. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):



“and live with them honourably”
[al-Nisa’ 4:19]

Favouring one of the wives does not come under the heading of living with them honourably. There follow some of the comments of the scholars which will explain this further.


​

Al-Shaafa’i (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: The Sunnah of the Messenger of Allaah and the view of most of the Muslim scholars indicate that the man must divide his time, night and day, among his wives, and must do so fairly.
Al-Umm, 5/158.



And he said:

I do not know of any differing opinion concerning the fact that a man must share his time equally among his wives.​

Al-Umm, 5/280.



Al-Baghawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:
If a man has more than one wife, he must share his time among them equally, if they are free woman [i.e., not slaves], whether they are Muslims or women of the people of the Book [Jewish or Christian]… If he fails to share his time among them equally, then he has disobeyed Allaah and has to make up the time for the wife whom he has wronged. It was narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives and inclines more towards one of them, he will come on the Day of Resurrection with half of his body leaning.” (Narrated by Abu Dawood, 2/242; al-Tirmidhi, 3/447; al-Nasaa’i, 7/64; Ibn Maajah, 1/633. classed as saheeh by Ibn Hajar in Buloogh al-Maraam, 3/310 and by al-Albaani in Irwa’ al-Ghaleel, 7/80).



What is meant by this inclining has to do with actions; he will not be brought to account for his heart being more inclined (towards one of his wives), if he treats them equally with regard to the division of his time. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“You will never be able to do perfect justice between wives even if it is your ardent desire, so do not incline too much to one of them”​

[al-Nisa’ 4:129]

What this means is that you will never be able to do perfect justice as far as what is in the heart is concerned, so do not incline too much towards one of them, i.e., do not follow your whims and desires in your actions.​

Sharh al-Sunnah, 9/150-151.



Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah said:
He is obliged to treat both wives equally according to the consensus of the Muslims. In the four Sunans it is narrated from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Whoever has two wives…” So he is obliged to divide his time equally. If he stays overnight with one for one or two or three nights, then he must stay overnight with the other for the same amount of time, and he should not favour one of them in the division of his time.
Majmoo’ al-Fataawa, 32/269.



Ibn Qudaamah said:
We do not know of any different opinion among the scholars with regard to the obligation to share one's time equally among co-wives. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):



“and live with them honourably”
[al-Nisa’ 4:19]



And there can be no honourable treatment when one is more inclined towards one of them.
Al-Mughni, 8/138.

Based on this, what your husband is doing by not dividing his time equally is a great sin in the sight of Allaah. Allaah does not like wrongdoing or oppression, and he does not like those who do wrong. The fact that he thinks it is permissible for him to go on the day allotted to you to his other wife is a mistaken notion.


​

Shaykh Mansoor al-Bahooti said:



“It is haraam for him to enter upon the one whose turn it is not, at night except in case of necessity, and during the day except if there is some need.



Al-Rawd al-Maraaba’ Sharh Zaad al-Mustanqa’, 6/449.



http://islamqa.com/en/ref/20455

As for him withholding your right and not coming to you, this is haraam as well.

What should be done when a husband withholds his wife’s rights in bed?

When a husband deprives his wife of the right to intercourse, the scholars call this eelaa’. Eelaa’ means the vow of the husband who is able to have intercourse never to have intercourse with his wife, or not to have intercourse with her for more than four months. The evidence for that is the aayah (interpretation of the meaning):



“Those who take an oath not to have sexual relation with their wives must wait for four months, then if they return (change their idea in this period), verily, Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful[al-Baqarah 2:226]

It was narrated that Ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be pleased with him) used to say concerning eelaa’: “If the period of eelaa’ expires, then the husband has either to retain his wife in a handsome manner or to divorce her as Allaah has ordered” (al-Bukhaari, al-Talaaq, 4881)


​

Eelaa’ is forbidden in Islam because it is a vow not to do something that is obligatory. It is in effect a vow not to have intercourse with one's wife, either never again or for a period that exceeds four months; or else it means vowing that if one’s wife does not do a certain obligatory action or does a certain haraam action, he will not have intercourse with her. The fuqahaa’ also said that the one who does not have intercourse with his wife for more than four months without swearing an oath, in order to harm her and without having a valid excuse, also comes under the category of eelaa’.

​

The ruling on this matter is: that if he has intercourse with his wife during that period, then he has “returned”, because “returning” in this context means intercourse and in this manner the woman has attained what she is entitled to from him. If he refuses to have intercourse after the stated time limit has expired, then the judge should order him to divorce her if his wife requests that. If he refuses to have intercourse and he refuses to divorce her, then the judge should issue a divorce and annul the marriage.
And Allaah knows best.



http://islamqa.com/en/ref/9021

If a wife is not getting her rights in any manner (intimacy, financial, emotional, etc) then she might be able to separate from her husband. It is best to check with a scholar/alim on this inshallah. In the mean time, please read this:

What are the rights of the husband and what are the rights of the wife?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

salaam
I know what ur talking about eela and i asked him but he said no, he will never divorce me (I think its for the kids anyway) . So basically im supposed to continue like this. Last year actually he was saying to me that the Prophet(saw) didnt wnt to go to his wife sawdah and she said to him do not divorce me and i will give up my night to aisha. I do not understand this pls correct me if im wrong. As for maintenence he cannot mainten her so he spends like two nights with her and comes back in day. i feel really sick. is this correct? and after all this he claims that he loves me too. when all this time he had hurt me with his hurtfull behaviour and words.
feel like a chewing gumimsad
pls pray for me.

 

[Afraa]

Dear Sis,

I am very saddened to hear that you are going through this. Inshallah in due time he will get what he deserves because your a precious gift and he shouldn't take you for granted. Sister I would suggest that you do keep working until you can support yourself and your children. You shouldn't punish yourself because of him, he is the one that chose to go down that path. I would suggest that you get your own place. Why do you have to put up with him and his parents when clearlity all the do is bring misery to you.

I pray for you and i will keep you in my dua's. Inshallah everything will be okay if you have pateince and i hope the best for you and your children.

 

[piXie]

salaam
I know what ur talking about eela and i asked him but he said no, he will never divorce me (I think its for the kids anyway) . So basically im supposed to continue like this. Last year actually he was saying to me that the Prophet(saw) didnt wnt to go to his wife sawdah and she said to him do not divorce me and i will give up my night to aisha. I do not understand this pls correct me if im wrong. As for maintenence he cannot mainten her so he spends like two nights with her and comes back in day. i feel really sick. is this correct? and after all this he claims that he loves me too. when all this time he had hurt me with his hurtfull behaviour and words.
feel like a chewing gumimsad
pls pray for me.

:wasalamex

He said that? Misquoting the situation of the Prophet :arabic5: and Hadrat Sawdah (R.A) in order to justify his oppression? SubhanAllaah, their situation was completely different.

The Prophet :arabic5: was finding it difficult to give Hadrat Sawdah (R.A) her conjugal rights because she was getting old. He feared that he wouldn't be able to be equal with her and his other wives. Therefore, he wanted to free her. But she said don't divorce me, and I'll give my turn to Hadrat A'isha (R.A). She preferred that over a divorce, she chose that, because she wanted the rank of being a Prophets wife.

read this here

Don't allow ur husband to manipulate you like this and make u feel guilty and confused and broken. I've seen men like this. Who use religion and twist it to satisfy their whims and desires. wish I could knock their teeth out.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

salaam
Thanks for the information, the fact that he never loved me for all these years and he was pretty much forcefull in convincing me about that. When i showed him all the letters he wrote to me after marriage he said to look carefully in that its only formality. So if i was not compatible with me y he carried on??? imsad
And now he does u turn and tells me that he does love me. how can i trust him.
I have no peace, trust, love in this marriage. Im soooooo scared to b alone on my own and he knows that very well. I feel like a coward that i cant walk away I love my babies so much and i dont want them to suffer.
But im getting sick and wake up in nights asking Allah to take meway from this.
only he can give me the courage to fight this. ameen
pls brothers and sisters keep me in ur prayers.
:enough!:

 

[piXie]

:salamext:

Things any better? :-\ You are in our du'aas inshaAllaah.

 

[syilla]

:salamext:

Don't allow ur husband to manipulate you like this and make u feel guilty and confused and broken. I've seen men like this. Who use religion and twist it to satisfy their whims and desires. wish I could knock their teeth out.

i agree with this... you need to get out of this situation. you should think of yourself first and foremost. Remember don't let yourself feeling misreable...but your hubby is having fun and enjoying his life. Is no use to be sad all the times. Takes some productive measures and try your best to solve it. Please don't let it solve by itself...

You deserve to be content and happy... so try to find ways so that you will not stuck with this situation. If you have close family...try to discuss with them...with your friends. or tell his best friend to advise him in the best manners. just remember you have rights too.

p/s:- your baby will be happy if you're happy

 

[nms]

salam alaikum
This is my story, i have been married for 16 yrs with 3 kids. From the last year my hubby was on internet chatting with girls, when i asked him he said he wanted to marry again. I was naturally quiet upset and i didnt like the fact he used to sit till middle of night chatting with them. but then it didnt work out and so he came back to me.He had an operation done and was wheelchair bound for 8 mnths in which i looked after him in everyway i could not to mention looking after kids his mum and doing part time job. I was managing my own expense also. Anyway he stareted getting better, what i didnt know he was back on internet chatting in night since he sterted to sleep downstairs since his operation.Then all of sudden he started to say back in march that he will never come to me. I was quiet shocked and thought he must b depressed. Even then i looked after him by taking him to hospital appointments, giving him his special diet helping him with his treatment in anyway i could.
I tried my best to help him, by that time he could drive and he used to b out every other day. I was happy that atlest he was going out. Then i found in july he had got married and kept quiet all the while, i was dumb found ,i felt so used.Here i was looking fter him and this what he done behind my back. I confronted him and then he sterted saying he love me more now. So i said if u loved me u would have come to me irrespective of the fact u got married or not. y u kept me in suspense 7 mnths now. u have not kept me or left me. even now he doesnt bother about my feelings. He continues to sleep downstairs an then goes and visit his other one.
I cannot understand y he is doing this.even after this i still love him but he seem more intersted in his other life. He is religious himself but when i asked if he ever wants to come to me, he says yes but doesnt bother.He still got slight prob with his legs but i feel so used. all he wants is his service from me.
I feel so depressed after all this and Allah knows how i carry on with my work.What i wnt to know can he cruelly separete me like this and get married again just to put me in agony.
One of the reason he has kept me is cause of kids perhaps.But y keep me like this?pls advice I donot have any one frm my side who can talk.

Oh God. i am so sorry for your pain. I dont even know what to say. i want to say tell him to leave you for good, but on the other hand i know that you have kids and you love him. i am so sad for you, i swear i have tears in my eyes. maybe you should try telling him you want to end it because you would have never expect that your husband would do this to you?.. i dont know what more i could say.

 

[Dawud_uk]

salam alaikum
This is my story, i have been married for 16 yrs with 3 kids. From the last year my hubby was on internet chatting with girls, when i asked him he said he wanted to marry again. I was naturally quiet upset and i didnt like the fact he used to sit till middle of night chatting with them. but then it didnt work out and so he came back to me.He had an operation done and was wheelchair bound for 8 mnths in which i looked after him in everyway i could not to mention looking after kids his mum and doing part time job. I was managing my own expense also. Anyway he stareted getting better, what i didnt know he was back on internet chatting in night since he sterted to sleep downstairs since his operation.Then all of sudden he started to say back in march that he will never come to me. I was quiet shocked and thought he must b depressed. Even then i looked after him by taking him to hospital appointments, giving him his special diet helping him with his treatment in anyway i could.
I tried my best to help him, by that time he could drive and he used to b out every other day. I was happy that atlest he was going out. Then i found in july he had got married and kept quiet all the while, i was dumb found ,i felt so used.Here i was looking fter him and this what he done behind my back. I confronted him and then he sterted saying he love me more now. So i said if u loved me u would have come to me irrespective of the fact u got married or not. y u kept me in suspense 7 mnths now. u have not kept me or left me. even now he doesnt bother about my feelings. He continues to sleep downstairs an then goes and visit his other one.
I cannot understand y he is doing this.even after this i still love him but he seem more intersted in his other life. He is religious himself but when i asked if he ever wants to come to me, he says yes but doesnt bother.He still got slight prob with his legs but i feel so used. all he wants is his service from me.
I feel so depressed after all this and Allah knows how i carry on with my work.What i wnt to know can he cruelly separete me like this and get married again just to put me in agony.
One of the reason he has kept me is cause of kids perhaps.But y keep me like this?pls advice I donot have any one frm my side who can talk.

ukti,

if he was religious he would not be up all night chatting to girls would he?

he might pray and fast, and maybe keep a beard and read Quran but if he is sinning like this then he needs to fear Allah and repent, make tawbah.

regarding what he is doing with you this is a serious sin, we are told that some of the people will come on the day of judgement with one side hanging down (like someone who has had a stroke), and this will be because they used to treat their wives unequally.

so it is a serious sin with a penalty not only in this life but the next,

i remember one brother i knew whose 2nd wife complained of his ill treatment and not seeing her anywhere near as much as the 1st, he denied everything but then he had a stroke and now half his face is paralysed, hanging down on one side, subhanallah.

you should tell him to fear Allah, get strong brothers like the imam and local ulema to advice him of your rights and the punishment if he should continue.