Doubts over marriage

[AnonymousPoster]

Just signed up here as I need a place to vent this. Don't want to go to the family or my fiance just yet. I just wanted to rant and hear from other people. Any comments you guys can give would be appreciated. I'll try to keep it brief by writing my problem out in bullets:

- After 28 years I finally decided to get married
- Flew back to "the old country" to find a bride from my town
- Given a list of people that fit what I was looking (I know this sounds like **** but that is how it is)
- I fell in love with one as she met them all bar one (she was a relative)
- Decided to overlook the relative thing as I really liked her (as much as one can after only really meeting her days before)

Heres the problem; fast forward 5 months later and we talk for hours most days on the phone or msn. Everything was great until she let this slip

- She was secretly in love with someone else before me; her family didn't even know (she says it was only talking - they were never alone together and he never touched her. Not sure how long they were in love)
- She heard that I was coming to town so she got scared (not sure why)
- She calls the guy and tells him to come before me to ask for her
- Family doesn't like the guy so they don't agree
- A few days later she hears that I want to sit with her; she starts to cry (I asked her why but she doesn't know)
- We sat and talked and I asked her family for her hand in marriage
- She had doubt and at first didn't want to (she told me this later on) but because I was a relative she agreed to give it a chance

Now everything I posted above I just found out about this past month and, in all honesty, it's eating me up inside. One of my biggest fears was marrying someone that didn't want me, i.e. she was pressured by her family.

I really don't know what to do. I know she loves me know and she swears that she no longer loves the other guy at all and doesn't talk to him. I have no reason to doubt her to be honest but I have a hard time believing someone can stop loving someone else just like that. Especially when it wasn't her decision to stop loving him.

I am really close to calling it all off because I just hate how this marriage has started.

FYI, I am flying to stay with her for 3 weeks starting next week. I am not sure if I should tell her what I am feeling or if I should just be quiet and observe.

Thanks for reading all that and ny comments you can give would be appreciated.

 

[- Qatada -]

:salamext:


1) Do istikharah prayer. Its really important.

http://www.islam-qa.com/en/search/istikhaarah/AllWords/t,q,a
http://makedua.com/display_dua.php?sectionid=26


2) Remember, don't jump into it. Maybe give it more time to think about. Remember, a person who loses someone else in love - they can fall in love with another during that same time period if they are willing to, especially since they feel so emotional, and especially if they find that person they want within you.

Its likely that she never went far with that guy, Allah knows best. But since it was just speech, she never really tasted true and pure love. So even if you were to get married to her, it may be that you two can really work insha Allah because there will be more than 'just speech' between you two. The biggest sign for this is because she says that she is willing to go ahead with the marriage. Someone in deep love can't imagine life without the other, and thinks sooo far before being prepared to say what she said in that scenario [i.e. that shes willing to go ahead with it.]



3) If you believe that it will eat you up inside and cause pain, frustration, regret and even threats in the future, then don't go ahead with it. Since your not at a deep level right now, she will even get over the past guy, and you won't feel like you're 'doing her a favour' by getting married. I.e. there won't be no 'strings attached' at the beginning of the marriage already. If you're both prepared for a clean slate, forgetting the past [which insha Allah wont be as bad since she never went far with the guy at a physical level, and from the looks of it - even a love level (she probably just thought it was love)], then if its something you both think can work - then go for it. But if you have deep regrets, then forget about it, otherwise you're causing unneeded pain for her, and even yourself in the future.



Read this;
http://www.islamicboard.com/health-...ur-friend-gets-heart-broken-9.html#post741314
http://www.islamicboard.com/health-...ur-friend-gets-heart-broken-7.html#post713985

Go on the posts, articles which are related to marriage. They're near the end of the articles, but may be relevant to your situation insha Allah.



You seem like a confident brother with a positive personality, so insha Allah you will make the right decisions. You're even willing to forgive as is seen through your personality masha Allah, so may Allah bless you in what He guides you to (through the istikhaarah prayer.)

 

[mastercosmos]

Brother, thank you very much for the advice. I will perform that Salat al-Istikharah and Inshallah I will be guided to the right path.

I have decided what I will do next week when I travel to stay with her and her family for three weeks. I hope you and the other Brothers and Sisters of this community can let me know if I am following a wise path.


I have decided that I will say nothing for the first week. She already knows it bothered me to learn this but she does not know how much it has bothered me. I will not say anything the first week with her and her family with the hope that I can feel more at ease with her. Hopefully the love, trust, and respect I had for her before I learned of this will return. I have not seen her face to face for 5 months so I do not want to bombard her with questions and put her on the defensive. I would like her to feel at ease with me. I would like to sense her love for me and I would like her to sense how much I love her.

Actually, I do not think she has wronged me in any way. This occured before me, and, if I believe what she has said, she has not done anything wrong since being with me. She has stated she loves me a number of times and I am the only one in her heart. In my heart I believe her but my brain wants more information.

She has been very open with me. She could have hid this from me but decided not to. I respect her for that and love her more for it. But I still can't shake away the doubt I have. I fear that she is lying to herself and may still feel love for this other guy as she is not the one who ended it. I fear that this will always hang over us if I do not say something. Which leads me to my plan for the second week.


On the second week I will ask her to explain the story in more detail. I would like to hear everything that happened between her and him, between her and her family, and within herself when I asked for her hand in marriage. I would like to hear the full story face to face. Maybe when I first heard it I misunderstood something or maybe I am applying my western thoughts to something much more simple. At least that is what I hope.

I also plan to tell her everything about my life just so she feels at ease. I haven't done anything haram or wrong in terms of sinning but I would like her to know about me. I want it to seem like this is our opportunity to share more personal information about each other.

I am not sure if this is the right thing to do. I know most women do not like to expose themselves so openly, especially to something so personal. However, I feel that I must know this as I will be her husband. Whether knowing this will put me at ease I do not know. Allah hu A'llem. But I feel that if I don't do this then I will always have doubt. And if I always have doubt then I can not go through with this marriage.


Once we explain our sides then we can decide what to do next. If I feel pain and doubt then I will end it. But if I feel she truely loves me and the feelings I had for her previously return than we can stay together. I plan to ask her for her hand in marriage again. This time just me and her. I will give her the option to end it on her own and we can tell both families that it was mutual. If she says she wants to marry me even after I gave her the chance to leave than I hope that that finally removes all of my doubt.

I pray that Allah will guide us to the right path. Otherwise the third week will be like living in personal hell.


I hope some of the sisters on this board can comment as to whether this is a wise plan. Being a man I tend to think in a certain way. I feel this is a very straight approach but I fear she may take offence to this. What do you think Sistersm? Is this a wise approach?


Sorry for writing such a long post and thank you for reading it all the way through. In the end I think what ever happens is what was ment to happen. This is Allah's divine plan. I just hope what I wrote above is part of that plan.

 

[ayisha]

I think what you have planned is the right way to go about it but just remember past is past and it will always be that way. I can understand that it’s difficult to know that there has been someone else in her life but right now it’s you and no-one else. Never let passed ruin something that can be so special. Love is such a beautiful thing and if she makes you her life and her world, is a good loving wife and has said she wants to marry you then that must show you something. I think your right in going there and talking about everything and just clear everything in passed now and then leave it there. Ask whatever questions you need to ask and then you both make a decision, insha-allah you decide to go ahead with it and are very happy together. People make mistakes in their life’s, but you can learn so much from them, that’s such a beautiful thing as-well. Also when you talk to her, make her feel comfortable so she can talk about everything properly. She is with you now, not with anyone else. I have only recently been guided to islam and Allah has helped me so much. I have read a number of books and majority talk of past, not to fight with it and give into that anxiety because it serves no purpose. Everything happens for a reason, if you find happiness with her, if she is good, religious then why shouldn’t she be given a chance …

 

[YusufNoor]

Just signed up here as I need a place to vent this. Don't want to go to the family or my fiance just yet. I just wanted to rant and hear from other people. Any comments you guys can give would be appreciated. I'll try to keep it brief by writing my problem out in bullets:

- After 28 years I finally decided to get married
- Flew back to "the old country" to find a bride from my town
- Given a list of people that fit what I was looking (I know this sounds like **** but that is how it is)
- I fell in love with one as she met them all bar one (she was a relative)
- Decided to overlook the relative thing as I really liked her (as much as one can after only really meeting her days before)

Heres the problem; fast forward 5 months later and we talk for hours most days on the phone or msn. Everything was great until she let this slip


Akhi, this doesn't seem like a "slip" i'll wager that she thought long and hard about it and decided to be truthful with you because she has feelings for you!

- She was secretly in love with someone else before me; her family didn't even know (she says it was only talking - they were never alone together and he never touched her. Not sure how long they were in love)
- She heard that I was coming to town so she got scared (not sure why)
- She calls the guy and tells him to come before me to ask for her
- Family doesn't like the guy so they don't agree
- A few days later she hears that I want to sit with her; she starts to cry (I asked her why but she doesn't know)
- We sat and talked and I asked her family for her hand in marriage
- She had doubt and at first didn't want to (she told me this later on) but because I was a relative she agreed to give it a chance

Now everything I posted above I just found out about this past month and, in all honesty, it's eating me up inside. One of my biggest fears was marrying someone that didn't want me, i.e. she was pressured by her family.

if she was only going to marry you because she was being pressured by family, she wouldn't have told you...

I really don't know what to do. I know she loves me know and she swears that she no longer loves the other guy at all and doesn't talk to him. I have no reason to doubt her to be honest but I have a hard time believing someone can stop loving someone else just like that. Especially when it wasn't her decision to stop loving him.

I am really close to calling it all off because I just hate how this marriage has started.

Muslim men, because they lack experience with women, sometimes act like the biggest drama queens. IMHO, you should love her MORE because she decided to take you into her confidence!

FYI, I am flying to stay with her for 3 weeks starting next week. I am not sure if I should tell her what I am feeling or if I should just be quiet and observe.

can i reach through and slap you!

Thanks for reading all that and ny comments you can give would be appreciated.

Akhi,

don't blow a good thing here. as long as her "religion" is in good shape, don't sweat the small stuff!

here's what happens if you tell her EVERYTHING that you're feeling: she figures out how insecure and jealous you are and either SHE calls off the marriage OR she decides that it's better NOT to tell you her feelings/secrets!

either way, providing she is pious, you lose!

don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. she "liked" some other guy, BIG DEAL!

to me, it sounds like she loves you and that she cares about you and that she felt that it was important to be honest with you. how is that a bad thing???????????

you don't need Istikara for this, you just need a knock upside the head! :thumbs_up

seriously Akhi, relax, chill out and contemplate...

it's all good, In Sha'a Allah!

 

[ayisha]

i agree

 

[mastercosmos]

I can definitely see how it comes off looking like I am acting like a Drama Queen. There are times during the day where I think to myself this is stupid, you are over-reacting.

It's not that she "loved" someone before me that bothers me it's more of the fact that she loved them the same time she said yes to me. I guess I am insecure about that and would probably say that I am a drama queen here. But I want this marriage to start on a strong footing and I am not sure that it has. I have seen quite a few friends get married to someone they did not want only to see their marriage fail or for them to remain in misery. I don't want that to happen here. I want the best for both myself and her. Which is why I would like to put it out in the open and here her side of it.

Again, thanks for listening and all the advice. It is very helpful to hear other people's take on an issue.

 

[Zahida]

Children brought up in Pakistan are very different to the children brought up here...............

As i see it she was with this guy.............. family did not approve.
You came along ............. family approved. She had to let this other guy go because she saw that it would not work.

Don't feel insecure, infact you should feel flattered that she has told you before anyone else got the chance to............. she obviously loves you to have confided this to you and did not keep it to herself.
Her reasons for telling you only she knows and as you are about to marry her you should ask her why she told you this.....

As with above pray Istikhaara.......................
Secondly love her more than anything so she forgets about the other guy, and don't let your insecurities lead to your failure.

I hope all will be ok good luck.:thumbs_up

I can definitely see how it comes off looking like I am acting like a Drama Queen. There are times during the day where I think to myself this is stupid, you are over-reacting.

It's not that she "loved" someone before me that bothers me it's more of the fact that she loved them the same time she said yes to me. I guess I am insecure about that and would probably say that I am a drama queen here. But I want this marriage to start on a strong footing and I am not sure that it has. I have seen quite a few friends get married to someone they did not want only to see their marriage fail or for them to remain in misery. I don't want that to happen here. I want the best for both myself and her. Which is why I would like to put it out in the open and here her side of it.

Again, thanks for listening and all the advice. It is very helpful to hear other people's take on an issue.

 

[YusufNoor]

I can definitely see how it comes off looking like I am acting like a Drama Queen. There are times during the day where I think to myself this is stupid, you are over-reacting.

Akhi, it's OK to have those feelings! the drama part comes in what you decide to do!

It's not that she "loved" someone before me that bothers me it's more of the fact that she loved them the same time she said yes to me. I guess I am insecure about that and would probably say that I am a drama queen here.

the "separation of sexes" can leave one without "experience" in certain matters, it's only human.

But I want this marriage to start on a strong footing and I am not sure that it has. I have seen quite a few friends get married to someone they did not want only to see their marriage fail or for them to remain in misery. I don't want that to happen here. I want the best for both myself and her. Which is why I would like to put it out in the open and here her side of it.

i'm sure "from her point of view", you've already heard "her side of it!"

Again, thanks for listening and all the advice. It is very helpful to hear other people's take on an issue.

here's a slightly different take:

After 28 years I finally decided to get married

OK, pray Istikara

Fly back to "the old country" to find a bride from my town

pray Istikara

Given a list of people that fit what I was looking

:blind:

I fell in love with one as she met them all bar one
- Decided to overlook the relative thing as I really liked her

pray Istikar

get the picture?

as for the situation now, what EXACTLY are you seeking guidance on? by that i mean are you going to "frame the question" in a positive or negative light? makes a HUGE difference!

here's my take [based on the little i've read here, but with tons of experience with woman compared to most]:

you did all that you did and went home to find a wife. there's this woman who IS ALREADY in love with someone [or at least she thinks that she is!] because of that, she freaks on learning that you are coming home. she "jumps the gun" and has the guy come propose. the family says NO! (SOME PEOPLE might see this as the decree of Allah[swt]!)

now, the family then requests that she sits with you, don't forget that she IS AFRAID of this meeting! does she "bail out" or runaway or stall? NO, she does what her parents requested! TAQWAH perhaps???

now, not only does she sit with you, she eventually, DESPITE HER DOUBTS, agrees to the marriage! to me, that means that she sat with you, she had an open mind and an open heart! this shows that she has IMAN, either in following her parents request OR just plain trusting in Allah[swt]!!!

FURTHER, she starts to trust you completely and starts confiding in you! NOW YOU WANT TO PERFORM ISTIKARA?
imsad

Akhi, you are BOTH very inexperienced in relationships. THUS you will have feelings of insecurity, so will she!

IF Allah[swt] has decreed that this be your wife, then she is a GIFT from Allah[swt]! TREAT HER AS SUCH!

don't play any games! especially "head games!"

relax, chill a bit, have some tea!

let her know, that you freaked at little[AT FIRST] when she "opened up" to you. maybe, she will have a way to ease your concerns and then, In Sha'a Allah, you will see the truth!

and thanks for reading my response Brother! i'm 50, but have only been a Muslim for just under 3 years. HOWEVER, due to assibiyyah and jahillyah, what and how i've seen Muslim brothers treat their women borders on insanity and criminality at times!

here are some good lectures an Muslim woman and Nikkah:

Muslim Women! Are they Oppressed?
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/Vol1.html#Part8

Nikah + Justice & Mans Ungrateful Attitude
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/Vol1.html#Part12

Nikah Advices + The Muslim Ummah
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/Vol2.html#Part3

and this one's just great:
Abdud Dunyaa (Slave of the World)
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/Vol2.html#Part8

this series is VERY BENEFICIAL [around 5 hours long]:

Social Conduct - Ramadaan 1425 (2004)
http://www.nazirakoob.com/menk/SocialConduct.html

here's the general download site:

http://www.muftimenk.co.za/Downloads.html

May Allah[swt] guide you and make it easy on you!
AMEEN!



Yusuf

 

[mastercosmos]

Brother Yusuf, you have been very helpful, as well as everyone else how has provided advice. I am confident in how I should approach this.

I guess what I am trying to achieve is to re-establish that belief in myself that she is with me because she wants to be and not because her family wants her to be. I want to feel that her love is genuine. Obviously she did not know me before getting engaged so I never expected her be in love with me from the beginning but I just want to know that she does love me now and wants to be with me on her own. And that she no longer has feelings for the other person. That is probably what bothers me the most. The sense that she may doubt her decision or regret marrying me because she wasn''t the one who said no to the other guy. Again this is an insecurity in myself that I must deal with but sometimes it's hard not projecting my insecurity on to her.

I am far away from her while this other guy is still there right near her so there is that fear. I trust her but one never truly knows. I feel that it's better to bring up the conversation now then to never bring it up at all. Obviously I won't question her trust and love but I want to just hear her tell the story to me. She has already said that she will tell me the backstory so I know she is willing to open up.

I leaving to fly there shortly so inshalllah we will be guided to the right path and our conversation will help to build a strong foundation to our marriage. Again I think everyone who has commented.

 

[mastercosmos]

I also think the fact that I grew up in America and in a western culture makes this kind of worse. I keep applying what I have seen and experienced with American girls to her. That just makes the matter worse.

I made the mistake of asking her if she ever kissed him or did things physical and she got really upset. I didn't ask it crudely. I asked more along the lines of did they ever hold hands and do other things together. She got really upset. Spent a number of days after apologizing for that.

In a sad way though it was re-assuring to see her get upset about that as it helps fill in some of the blanks as to how she thinks and what her character is. Obviously there are better ways to do this but when you are not thinking clearly sometimes stupid questions come out. That's why I made this thread so that I can clear my mind and approach it differently.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

:salamext:


It might be better to get this side of things over with [i.e. asking questions] if you feel the unknown will overpower you after the marriage.