Age Window in Marriage

[Yanal]

Because it looks bad if there is a big age difference. People will talk behind your backs which will give them hell.

 

[Banu_Hashim]

I think the younger the sister, the bigger deal it is about age?

Is that a fair trend to put forward?

 

[Banu_Hashim]

Because it looks bad if there is a big age difference. People will talk behind your backs which will give them hell.

How big do you mean? My dad is 6 years older than my mum... which is, you could say, a considerable gap. I think it was just a more accepted thing back then than it is today... dunno why.

 

[Faith.]

I get the reasoning..but it doesn't really make sense to me. What happens when you consider a brother and he's good, mature, pious and all things desirable, only to find out he's like 3 years younger? Would you loose that feeling of being protected?

Hmm...Well if the brother was all those above and only 3 years younger, then id re-think it
but if there was a big age differance, say 10 years then I think I would lose the feeling of feeling protected.
I don't really understand it either, I think its just something that sisters would just prefer

 

[Nájlá]

Can you tell me as a sister how exactly would you define maturity in a brother?

His brains to be able to know when something is appropriate and when it is not.

he's gotta be way mature than the women.

But really if u have fallen in love with someone no matter how old he is. younger or older than u. u would still want that person no matter what....

 

[~Taalibah~]

I would prefer the brother to be same age or older, and thats just a preference.
If the brother is pious, compatible, mature and what all i'm looking for and anything between 3 years younger or 5 years older max ,i'd consider.
Maturity and compatibility i think are main aspects when considering partners older or younger. The man i think has to be more 'mature' than the woman as such.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

I think the younger the sister, the bigger deal it is about age?

Is that a fair trend to put forward?

Generally, I'd say it is. There are always exceptions. I personally think that if a sister makes her decision based on only age, then that itself shows that she lacks maturity.

Hmm...Well if the brother was all those above and only 3 years younger, then id re-think it
but if there was a big age differance, say 10 years then I think I would lose the feeling of feeling protected.
I don't really understand it either, I think its just something that sisters would just prefer

I agree that 10 years younger is probably too much, especially in our time.

His brains to be able to know when something is appropriate and when it is not.

he's gotta be way mature than the women.

Is that really it? Just knowing what's appropriate and what isn't? That really doesn't come with age as much as it does with the environment a person grows up in. I was expecting something along the lines of patience, being able to deal with womanly issues, not stubborn, open to compromising etc.

But really if u have fallen in love with someone no matter how old he is. younger or older than u. u would still want that person no matter what....

Well of course, I agree with that.

 

[Yanal]

But not for the money. I read in a newspaper that a 36 year old married a billion dollar 86 year old. The husband died after 6 months and the women was free to marry anyone & got the money as well.

 

[Nájlá]

Is that really it? Just knowing what's appropriate and what isn't? That really doesn't come with age as much as it does with the environment a person grows up in. I was expecting something along the lines of patience, being able to deal with womanly issues, not stubborn, open to compromising etc.

Nope not really. Theres more but i didnt really wanted to mention them here in main. nvm. all those are included.
but heres some list again.

When he truly knows the difference between right and wrong without having to be told,to be able to deal with children, to be albe to spend his money and things needed. i.e not waste it, someone who would/could take responsiblity, to be able to like a man in front of everyone including his wife 1.e not someone who would listen to his wife with watever she wants lol.,knowing what's appropriate and what isn't,patience, being able to deal with womanly issues, not stubborn, open to compromising,

list could go on.

 

[جوري]

I get the reasoning..but it doesn't really make sense to me. What happens when you consider a brother and he's good, mature, pious and all things desirable, only to find out he's like 3 years younger? Would you loose that feeling of being protected?

I think there is a psychological barrier that you can't really cross with simple logic.. It is an emotional thing and emotions aren't rational.. Someone might indeed appear to you as perfection but I guess as you say, he can be no more than a 'brother'
I know this might seem a little sick to you, but it is well documented in psychology --women often subconsciously seek someone with great semblance to their father, especially so if they are fond of him... given that patriarchal figures are naturally old by virtue of who they are.. it is hard to make that transference to a younger person and 'love' if we are strictly Freudian is indeed no more than a transference .. It is a need that is well beyond piety, or fertility or financial stability.. it is basically an emotional need.. and like wise an intuitive desire to fulfill it -- so when you proposition someone and you appear to everyone and even to that person as the ideal mate.. your spouse to be on some subconscious level is basing her judgment on something rather visceral -- I hope that makes sense insha'Allah?

I am sorry to have stolen the sister's thunder..

 

[Zahida]

I agree with your mum what a wonderfull and wise woman. Having five brothers and being surrounded by males throughout my life i agree. My husband is four months younger than me. He will be forty soon, but i would say generally[ that it is better for the man to be older..........................QUOTE=Banu_Hashim;1072371]Ah, OK. Generally it's said brothers mature later later than sisters. And when I say "generally" I mean my mum. [/QUOTE]

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

Nopes, I wouldn't marry a brother younger than me. If I were to, he'd have had to really have impressed me to do it... I don't totally mind marrying somebody the same age as me who's just a few months younger though. Preferably any guy older than me, and maximum 6 or 7 years. Ideally I would've liked 2 years older, but that's always been cuz I'm surrounded by everybody 6+ years older than me, and I'd just like somebody closer to my age. lol.

I don't really believe that brothers mature later than girl, but more that cultures often let them slack off and not mature at the same rate, while girls are often drummed into the fact that they have a role in life and they better not loose sight of that role or else they'll be single for the rest of their lives. That said, by the time my brothers were like 17, they were way mature, and acted like they were in their mid 20s at times. They still goofed around, and still do today, but they knew their place and when to prank around and when to be serious...

I think the idea of marrying a guy older based on the maturity thing is more that he has to be able to handle the responsibilities that come with marriage. He might know more how to treat his wife, help out around the house occasionally, not depend on his parents much, etc... Age is often equated with maturity, which I know is not necessarily true.

And there's the security issue. But I guess that's psychological, not that I exactly agree with Freud's theory.

 

[Intisar]

Honestly I could never see myself with a man younger than me, not even by a year. I noticed that men don't develop maturity as fast as women, and I just wouldn't feel comfortable marrying a brother younger than me.

*Prepares to be hit by a rash of Khadija (RA) and Muhammad (SAWS) comparisons*

Personally, I could marry a brother that's up to 10 years older than me. I'd actually be to my advantage because then he'd probably have a career/stable job, a good income, and ready for a child. Would that ever happen? Allaahu 'alim. But I wouldn't just drop my things, get married to him, and pop out a few kids. That's why inshaa'Allaah I'd lean towards a brother who's a bit older than me, and is close to finishing, or is finished with his/her education.

Now people can say that ''age ain't nothing but a number'', but honestly, it does count. Some people have different values due to growing up in a different decade, and they may clash once y'all are married.

 

[yasin ibn Ahmad]

I can marry someone born in btwn 1980-90.That means I can go upto 5 years older spouse.Because it is like we are the same generation. We were born in to similar world.

 

[glo]

This reply is not entirely serious, and certainly not Islamic, but my husband once told me that the limit for age difference in a relationship should be half the age +7 years.

For example:
If the older partner is 20, the other should be no younger than 17.
If the older partner is 40, the other should be no younger than 27.
If the older partner is 60, the other should be no younger than 37.

Although this is only made up, it makes a certain amount of sense.
When we are young, a few years can make a lot of difference in terms of maturity.
As we get older that age gap widens.
So in terms of mathematical formulas this may not be such a bad guideline.

Of course much depends on the individuals in question, their outlook on life, their level of maturity etc ...

peace

 

[Muzzy]

I don't think I could. Because the courage you need to tell your parents that makes me shiver because for instance: if the sisters 4 years bigger and your in grade 8 ages in grade 12.

 

[syilla]

:salamext:

I'm married and my hubby is a year younger than me. Eventhough i could say he loves to joke and play around but when comes to decision making he impressed me. I learnt alot from him... But i still look much younger than him

Of course i didn't choose to want a younger hubby but it does has its own benefits. So now my family is the type loves to joke around and be cheerful all day. I learnt that being emotional (well...i'm just a woman) doesn't really help me much. Though sometimes i'm emotional when wanting my hubby's attention hehe.

 

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Nope not really. Theres more but i didnt really wanted to mention them here in main. nvm. all those are included.
but heres some list again.

When he truly knows the difference between right and wrong without having to be told,to be able to deal with children, to be albe to spend his money and things needed. i.e not waste it, someone who would/could take responsiblity, to be able to like a man in front of everyone including his wife 1.e not someone who would listen to his wife with watever she wants lol.,knowing what's appropriate and what isn't,patience, being able to deal with womanly issues, not stubborn, open to compromising,

list could go on.

All of this are qualities that come to a man based on how he's grown up. If a male grew up carefree and had a relaxed childhood, he'll mature later. If he grew up amongst adults and was always with people older than him, these qualities start becoming innate in him from a young age. Secondly, a man that has all those qualities and more is probably rare, every person has short comings. You need to be able to figure out which shortcoming you're able to compromise on and which ones you cannot. So if a man is older than you, but is low in a couple areas, would you marry him? If yes, why not someone lacking in the same areas, but a little younger?

On another point, from what I've noticed women mature no faster than men. If both are coming from an Islamic background, pious and active on the dawah scene and all, then pretty much they're on the same level, even if they're a few years apart [+/- 5 years]. This is because they've had their personalities shaped by Islamic education and involvement in the community where they've interacted with all sorts of people. This adds to their maturity.

I think there is a psychological barrier that you can't really cross with simple logic.. It is an emotional thing and emotions aren't rational.. Someone might indeed appear to you as perfection but I guess as you say, he can be no more than a 'brother'
I know this might seem a little sick to you, but it is well documented in psychology --women often subconsciously seek someone with great semblance to their father, especially so if they are fond of him... given that patriarchal figures are naturally old by virtue of who they are.. it is hard to make that transference to a younger person and 'love' if we are strictly Freudian is indeed no more than a transference .. It is a need that is well beyond piety, or fertility or financial stability.. it is basically an emotional need.. and like wise an intuitive desire to fulfill it -- so when you proposition someone and you appear to everyone and even to that person as the ideal mate.. your spouse to be on some subconscious level is basing her judgment on something rather visceral -- I hope that makes sense insha'Allah?

I am sorry to have stolen the sister's thunder..

I've heard of this before but not in so much detail. I've also heard that men tend to look for someone who has great semblance to their mother. I mean it does explain quite a bit but not entirely convincing. I'm probably going to do more research into it.

Nopes, I wouldn't marry a brother younger than me. If I were to, he'd have had to really have impressed me to do it... I don't totally mind marrying somebody the same age as me who's just a few months younger though. Preferably any guy older than me, and maximum 6 or 7 years. Ideally I would've liked 2 years older, but that's always been cuz I'm surrounded by everybody 6+ years older than me, and I'd just like somebody closer to my age. lol.

That's another point I had in mind, that we tend to have preferences for age based on those around us. Just to play devil's advocate, what is the difference if someone is a few months younger as opposed to say 2 years younger? Why consider the former and not the latter? How would he impress you?

I'm trying to figure out how you all think, so no pressure on answering the questions if you don't want to! But any input is greatly appreciated.

I don't really believe that brothers mature later than girl, but more that cultures often let them slack off and not mature at the same rate, while girls are often drummed into the fact that they have a role in life and they better not loose sight of that role or else they'll be single for the rest of their lives. That said, by the time my brothers were like 17, they were way mature, and acted like they were in their mid 20s at times. They still goofed around, and still do today, but they knew their place and when to prank around and when to be serious...

I think the idea of marrying a guy older based on the maturity thing is more that he has to be able to handle the responsibilities that come with marriage. He might know more how to treat his wife, help out around the house occasionally, not depend on his parents much, etc... Age is often equated with maturity, which I know is not necessarily true.

And there's the security issue. But I guess that's psychological, not that I exactly agree with Freud's theory.

Jazakillah Khayr for your input. Cultures play a role - to the best of my knowledge, desi culture sort of frowns on marriages where the man is younger than the woman. But as a person whose grown up in the West with minimal influence from the culture back home, I've noticed that people in similar situations as myself tend not to care that much about age as they do about other factors. Plus, I guess it has to do with what each party is seeking from the spouse. Women as mentioned above want a man that's patient, understanding, and can handle responsibility. Men want a woman that they can have more than just intimacy with - they're looking for intellectual stimulation and companionship. So I guess each figures that the opposite party will have those desired qualities when they're a certain age, rather then seeing it as a case-by-case issue.

Honestly I could never see myself with a man younger than me, not even by a year. I noticed that men don't develop maturity as fast as women, and I just wouldn't feel comfortable marrying a brother younger than me.

*Prepares to be hit by a rash of Khadija (RA) and Muhammad (SAWS) comparisons*

You're entitled to how you feel. But question is, how many men have you actually seen to be able to accuratly make that statement that they mature slower than women?

Personally, I could marry a brother that's up to 10 years older than me. I'd actually be to my advantage because then he'd probably have a career/stable job, a good income, and ready for a child. Would that ever happen? Allaahu 'alim. But I wouldn't just drop my things, get married to him, and pop out a few kids. That's why inshaa'Allaah I'd lean towards a brother who's a bit older than me, and is close to finishing, or is finished with his/her education.

Now people can say that ''age ain't nothing but a number'', but honestly, it does count. Some people have different values due to growing up in a different decade, and they may clash once y'all are married.

I believe age counts only in terms of life experience. Someone older [by like 5+ years] will have more experience in life. Yet I believe that someone 3-4 years older is not that different from you.

This reply is not entirely serious, and certainly not Islamic, but my husband once told me that the limit for age difference in a relationship should be half the age +7 years.

For example:
If the older partner is 20, the other should be no younger than 17.
If the older partner is 40, the other should be no younger than 27.
If the older partner is 60, the other should be no younger than 37.

Although this is only made up, it makes a certain amount of sense.
When we are young, a few years can make a lot of difference in terms of maturity.
As we get older that age gap widens.
So in terms of mathematical formulas this may not be such a bad guideline.

Of course much depends on the individuals in question, their outlook on life, their level of maturity etc ...

peace

That's actually a really interesting theory, I like it. I agree that when a person is young [personally define it as <20] then age plays a role in one's decisions. But once they get older than 20, or around that age they've been through many phases in life and over there they're developing a new sense of perspective that is a result of growth that'll enable them to see more than just age. Because at that point they're mature enough to realize what marriage is and what it requires. So for a girl who's 25, at that point in time, she might not mind marrying a man who's 22. I'm saying this generally, there are always exceptions.

I don't think I could. Because the courage you need to tell your parents that makes me shiver because for instance: if the sisters 4 years bigger and your in grade 8 ages in grade 12.

You'll get there bro, don't worry. Courage will come

:salamext:

I'm married and my hubby is a year younger than me. Even though i could say he loves to joke and play around but when comes to decision making he impressed me. I learnt alot from him... But i still look much younger than him

Of course i didn't choose to want a younger hubby but it does has its own benefits. So now my family is the type loves to joke around and be cheerful all day. I learnt that being emotional (well...i'm just a woman) doesn't really help me much. Though sometimes i'm emotional when wanting my hubby's attention hehe.

:wasalamex

That's awesome Masha'Allaah. Were you originally planning on someone older? What made you say yes to someone younger? How did he convince you?

 

[syilla]

That's awesome Masha'Allaah. Were you originally planning on someone older? What made you say yes to someone younger? How did he convince you?

He impressed me by doing athan at the office everyday. :embarrass
and when i told this to my cousin...she said; "you like him because he did athan????? :zip:"

well...you can just say its taqdeer. :embarrass

 

[Cabdullahi]

mashallah the decision to marry an older person is an unanimous decision amongst our sisters some even said they'd prefer a person 20years their senior...